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My kids won't speak to me because of my affair


LostMother

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I had an affair 3 years ago and my husband found through the other man’s wife. I am 42 and we were married for 17 years. We had a total of 3 kids together. It was a terrible mistake and I paid for it by losing my marriage

 

My son's are 19 and 20 now and they refuse to talk or see me since it happened.My ex had custody of both of them but we live in different countries now. I've done everything I could to show them how sorry I am but I can't get through to them. I live alone and I've depressed for over a the years. Not being able to see them has left a terrible ache in my heart, and if I could give up my left arm,leg, anything just for them to acknowledge me again and have some sort ofrelationship I would do it.

 

Is there anything I can possibly do at this point? I don't know if life is worth living with my children hating me. And yes, I know what I did was wrong so please don't pile it on me anymore, I've paid the highest price possible and lost everything. All I want is to be a mother to my sons again

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underwater2010
I had an affair 3 years ago and my husband found through the other man’s wife. I am 42 and we were married for 17 years. We had a total of 3 kids together. It was a terrible mistake and I paid for it by losing my marriage

 

My son's are 19 and 20 now and they refuse to talk or see me since it happened.My ex had custody of both of them but we live in different countries now. I've done everything I could to show them how sorry I am but I can't get through to them. I live alone and I've depressed for over a the years. Not being able to see them has left a terrible ache in my heart, and if I could give up my left arm,leg, anything just for them to acknowledge me again and have some sort ofrelationship I would do it.

 

Is there anything I can possibly do at this point? I don't know if life is worth living with my children hating me. And yes, I know what I did was wrong so please don't pile it on me anymore, I've paid the highest price possible and lost everything. All I want is to be a mother to my sons again

Have you tried apologizing for letting THEM down? Because as horrible as it is, what you to their father doesn't hold a candle to the fact that you didn't consider how this would effect them. But you know that now.

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Have you tried apologizing for letting THEM down? Because as horrible as it is, what you to their father doesn't hold a candle to the fact that you didn't consider how this would effect them. But you know that now.

 

]Have tried to apologize many times over 3 years, I have written them letters, emails. Nothing seems to work I can't get through to them.

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My son found texts on my phone.....really shameful texts. I tried apologizing and it didn't make a difference. All I could do was just live with integrity and show love. Eventually that was what broke through. Do they live with their father now? That could be exacerbating the problem. Though I can understand why your xBH would be hurt and angry for a long time, but if he is still using your sons to work out his own grief by spinning this out to them after 3 years, that could be part of the problem.

 

I am so very sorry,

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Unfortunately, kids really suffer when a parent engages in an affair. They often consider an affair a betrayal of them as well as the BS. They resent the damage done to the marriage and the family. They resent how a parent's selfish actions affected the child's life so negatively. All you can do is give it time at this point. Give them time. Their perception of you has been forever changed and damaged, but in time, they may be willing to resume a relationship with you on their terms. It may take a good while. The adult children I know who had a parent that was unfaithful behaved in much the same way that you described. One young man, a friend of my son, refused to talk to his unfaithful father for years after the affair was uncovered. After years, he is starting to allow contact from his father in a small way, but the son is still suffering, angry and resentful that the father destroyed his family. My nephews, after finding out about their dad's infidelity, of course lost respect for him and didn't want much contact with him. They have since become adults, moved out of state and have very little contact with him. He comes to see them once a year. It's very sad. That family is fragmented across the country. Many children go on to have psychological trauma for years after they've discovered a parent's infidelity. Some of my clients who have been in this situation where their parent had been unfaithful are still suffering and trying to cope with their feelings about it decades after the fact.

 

So I suggest you try to understand your children's feelings, and why they are taking this so hard. To them, it is like a betrayal of them, not just your spouse. Their family was destroyed, and they hold you accountable. All you can do is give them some space and understanding. Forgiveness will come on their terms and their timeline, not yours, if it is to come at all. Don't pester them, but it may be a good idea to send them a letter letting them know that you made a terrible mistake by being unfaithful, how much you wish you could undo it, and that you hope, in time, they will be willing to forgive you. That's all you can do, I'm afraid.

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Have you had any face to face time. I mean in person to apologize.

 

I haven’t had any face to face time with them in almost 3years. I did see my youngest and I tried to speak to him at family event. I backed him to a corner and begged him to speak to me. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well

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yellowmaverick

LM - I am sorry for your situation, but I am glad that you were brave enough to tell your story. There are several cheaters on these forums who need to hear this reality.

 

I have four children who were all teens when d-day hit more than two years ago. They were devastated. Our daughters have told him that he will never walk them down the aisle when they get married. Our children love him very much, but they have lost their respect and admiration for him. They are all slowly finding their way again, but it has been a VERY tough two years for them. My heart breaks for all of them.

 

All you can do is keep apologizing and don't put the blame on anyone but yourself. They will resent you further if you blame their father for your choices.

 

I wish you well.

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This is a really sad story. How is your communication with your ex-husband? You need to get him on your side if possible to get your children to communicate with you. Did you try to recover with your ex-husband? Hopefully the affair never occurred in your home because that would make it almost impossible for your husband. The bottom line is that you need to communicate with your ex and see if he can get them to communicate with you. Good luck.

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underwater2010
I haven’t had any face to face time with them in almost 3years. I did see my youngest and I tried to speak to him at family event. I backed him to a corner and begged him to speak to me. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well

I am at a loss then. My only advice is to keep sending stuff (keep copies in case they are being intercepted) and wait till they decide that they are ready to talk. I can only imagine your pain.

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My son found texts on my phone.....really shameful texts. I tried apologizing and it didn't make a difference. All I could do was just live with integrity and show love. Eventually that was what broke through. Do they live with their father now? That could be exacerbating the problem. Though I can understand why your xBH would be hurt and angry for a long time, but if he is still using your sons to work out his own grief by spinning this out to them after 3 years, that could be part of the problem.

 

I am so very sorry,

 

My children and husband found out through emails I sent to other man too. His wife sent them to the 4 of them

 

As of now they do not live with their father. My ExH is here in the states, he lives in another state. My oldest as of now is in Italy and my youngest son is back in Argentina. My husband has tried to fix the relationship between us it got to the point where it was causing him to damage his own relationshipwith them. He decided not to interfere any longer

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This is a really sad story. How is your communication with your ex-husband? You need to get him on your side if possible to get your children to communicate with you. Did you try to recover with your ex-husband? Hopefully the affair never occurred in your home because that would make it almost impossible for your husband. The bottom line is that you need to communicate with your ex and see if he can get them to communicate with you. Good luck.

 

My ExH are still friends and still see each other in secret.I did try to save my marriage, my husband didn’t want to. My Ex did try to help it was causing him to damage his own relationship with them.

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They blame you for the destruction of the family. Nothing you can do to change that at this time, they are still grieving. They can hate you and love you at the same time, you will always be their mother. In time they will see your hurt but only when they are ready to. Only time will help your situation.

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I wish I had some words of encouragement. This is a really bad spot you found yourself in.

 

The only thing I can suggest is keep writing, keep emailing. Even if you don't get a response, keep doing it. Tell them your sorry about everything. BUT also tell them about what you've been doing and how things are where you live. Keep them updated with your life.

 

The thing you have to remember, you didn't just cheat on your husband, you cheated on them too. They're going to need time. They are extremely angry because their world fell apart 3 years ago. The family that they knew was destroyed. They don't know how to establish a new relationship with you. Because it is new. The home they once had is gone, it's never coming back. So, they're going to have some resentment over it.

 

Keep writing and keep emailing them. Send them birthday cards or birthday presents. Christmas cards and Christmas presents. Be prepared to see those presents again. They may send them back as return to sender. That's going to hurt, but expect it. And keep sending them. Never waiver.

 

Then, perhaps, one day, you're going to get a response...out of the blue. Something that you never expected. Just don't give up on trying to reconnect with your kids.

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My son's are 19 and 20 now and they refuse to talk or see me since it happened.My ex had custody of both of them but we live in different countries now.

 

Why do you live in different countries? Can you move to be closer to them?

 

Is it possible that your letters are intercepted by your ex-husband?

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When you say that you see your husband in private, does that mean you are intimate? If yes, is it a possibility to revive the marriage?

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I had an affair 3 years ago and my husband found through the other man’s wife. I am 42 and we were married for 17 years. We had a total of 3 kids together. It was a terrible mistake and I paid for it by losing my marriage

 

My son's are 19 and 20 now and they refuse to talk or see me since it happened.My ex had custody of both of them but we live in different countries now. I've done everything I could to show them how sorry I am but I can't get through to them. I live alone and I've depressed for over a the years. Not being able to see them has left a terrible ache in my heart, and if I could give up my left arm,leg, anything just for them to acknowledge me again and have some sort ofrelationship I would do it.

 

Is there anything I can possibly do at this point? I don't know if life is worth living with my children hating me. And yes, I know what I did was wrong so please don't pile it on me anymore, I've paid the highest price possible and lost everything. All I want is to be a mother to my sons again

 

Why don't you have custody of them? Affairs don't factor into divorce like they used to.

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Why do you live in different countries? Can you move to be closer to them?

 

Is it possible that your letters are intercepted by your ex-husband?

 

We are originally from Argentina. My daughter and ExH at the time wanted to move America. My daughter wanted to attend school her and ExH wanted to continue his playing career here. My sons wanted to follow in their father’s footsteps. My oldest as of now is playing in Italy and youngest is playing back in Argentina

 

The letters are not being intercepted by anyone

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Why don't you have custody of them? Affairs don't factor into divorce like they used to.

 

The divorce did not take place here in the states. The laws in Argentina work very differently than they do here. My oldest by time of the was of the divorce already consider an adult and my youngest was given the choice.

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When you say that you see your husband in private, does that mean you are intimate? If yes, is it a possibility to revive the marriage?

 

Yes we are still intimate with each other. I don’t ever see us together again. As we are now it the closest we will ever be it hurts but having him part time is better than not having a lot all.

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The divorce did not take place here in the states. The laws in Argentina work very differently than they do here. My oldest by time of the was of the divorce already consider an adult and my youngest was given the choice.

 

Okay, I understand.

 

Can you sum up the biggest differences in divorce processes between USA and Argentina?

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Oh you poor thing:(

 

H's affair hurt me deeply but I would cope with it a million times over in preference to losing my kids. I guess the only answer is time, patience and consistency.Young adults can be the most inflexible, unforgiving humans on the planet. More life may knock the hard corners off them a little.

 

Good luck x

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AlwaysGrowing

By what you have written it seems like for now, the betrayal is still too much for them to deal with.

 

Keep trying to reach out, keep living your life with integrity and just be there when they are ready. One day, they will be able to "see' you as their Mother again.

 

 

So glad you shared your story here, too often the children get marginalized during an affair, that no damage is being done to them. People could not be more wrong.

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ClemsonTigers

They'll eventually come around. They're still too young and emotionally immature to understand adult matters. But one day they will.

 

Hang in there kiddo. Time will eventually heal this wound.

 

 

I actually find the natural indignation and offence taken by this woman's children to be rather refreshing and think the minimizing tendencies of "adults" with regard to adultery to be the real immature stance. The way you wrote that it sounds like you want to whisper to the kids "hey, everybody does it...it's not that big a deal and when you grow up you'll understand" to which I say, "Baloney". Adultery is wrong and it's not something one needs to be "emotionally mature to understand" as OK or acceptable (because, shucks... **** happens) at any level.

 

In other words, the moral outrage of children is RIGHT.

 

 

Take heart that maybe you actually raised your children right such that they know the difference between right and wrong behavior and they distance them selves from persons doing wrong by them and their (presumably) loyal father. Time may indeed heal these wounds. Stay consistent and persistent. Offer apologies all the way around (to their father, the boys AND the OM's wife). If they are leading decent lives of morality themselves then be happy for them and await their forgiveness. You are not entitled to it, it is a gift they are (and should be encouraged) to give on their own timetable. Have patience.

 

If they are living hypocritical lives of sexual and moral perversion than, perhaps, I'd encourage you to be more forceful and intrusive. The sin of adultery is no more sinful than the sins of fortification.

 

Having unmarried sex with their father (whom they likely see as the potential victim of more of your "abuse") sounds like it could be exacerbating the sticky situation.

 

I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

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Ok. I don't have great news for you.

 

I'm a BS who read some emails (actually pretty tame) that my WH sent to his first emotional affair partner. Thankfully I never saw the stuff between him and his PA AP. Those words are seared into my brain. It's now been over a year and I can still see them. If your children read what you wrote to your AP, it will likely stay with them forever. It will have done immense emotional harm to them. It's very different 'knowing' THAT someone you love has had an affair, to knowing WHAT they said during it, directly from their emails.

 

I think that her sending them to your children was cruel and damaging...but it was your damage that she was inflicting on them as well as her own pain.

 

Trouble is, you can't unsee what you have seen. Your children cannot unknow what they know. It will take a very long time to believe that you have changed and they will need to see consistent behaviour from you that puts them first, not you. You getting all emotional and pleading with them...to them it will look as if it's all about you, how you feel, how you want them to like you, not to help them, but to help you feel better. All of that reinforces their negative view of you.

 

What they need is a mum who thinks of them first. Who sends cards not asking for forgiveness (it'll look like it's all about you), but sending love. But not asking for a response (it'll feel like emotional blackmail and,again, as if it's all about you), not expecting anything back - showing real unconditional love that doesn't need a response. If you can do that then gradually, over the years,they may feel safe enough to trust you again

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