BS's: Confronting the OW/OM

[Goodbye]

I was curious after reading a few stories on the OW/OM section of BS's having their WS go with them to "confront" their affair partner. Often, it seems, they have their WS "break up" or tell the AP that there will be NC during this meeting. I assume this is so the BS will be confident that the affair has ended, as he/she has witness the OW/OM being told by the WS that it is over.

 

How many have done this? If so, what was the experience? If you did not, is this something you would have considered doing?

[Journee]

I actually was under the impression that this latest OW and I were going to confront him together. After meeting with her, about ten minutes before my H was supposed to walk out of his job ,she sent her husband over to tell me that she was "just too upset and that they were going to go on home". I was fine with that because honestly I didn't need a stranger there. That's what she was/is to me ,a stranger. I didn't trust anything that she said that I could not verify and the same for my H. He was a stranger to me too at that moment.

 

Now looking back on that I'm curious what would had happened if she would had stayed. I guess we would had just humiliated ourselves because honestly I think we were all embarrassed. I was six months pregnant and could hardly take the dramatics as it was lol

 

No, this is not something I wanted to do or would do. What does it prove? How quickly someone can turn on another? No, I wasn't interested in that. She had only known of his existence for 8 weeks ,there wasn't much to say really. She had already lied to me during our meeting and took back claims all in the same breath. I was exhausted as it was 6 in the morning and I had been up all night going through phone bills and checking his voice mails. OH, and throwing up and talking to my best girlfriend on the phone. It was a long night. I was exhausted from the conversation that she and I had as she was darn near manic the whole time. I was exhausted from this being my third go around with his cheating. She was just another face. My sights were on him. I just wanted answers not for him to declare his love for me to a woman he had just had sex with two days prior lol Yep, some love

[yellowmaverick]

I did not confront her and would never have considered it. There would not have been any point. I mean, what could I possibly say to someone who was so desperate for attention that she was willing to dump her kids and pay hundreds of dollars to fly someplace to have sex with a married man? What could I possibly say to someone who stalked me and my children after d-day because she was outraged when my H dumped her? I hardly think that anything I could have said would have gotten through her layers of craziness. I let the restraining order do the talking.

[Spark1111]

I couldn't even get her to return three friendly phone calls so forget about her having any sort of courage for a sit down.

 

I did not care if he went NC or not as I has thrown him out to actually, authentically be with his soulmate.

 

No one was more confused than I when it turned out to be the last thing he wanted.

 

it's how I wound up at LS. Everything I thought I knew or believed about affairs was untrue, in my case.

 

And, after DDay, he and maybe she, still thought I was too stupid to care enough to snoop their texts, calls, and emails.

 

initially, I KNEW his attempts to reconcile was strictly damage control and protecting their azzes from consequences. He wanted the facade of happy family and her on the side. She, unfortunately, really wanted a future with him and believed all his future faking.

 

So rather than be a patsy to be played, I set him free and wished them well.

 

happily reconciled today going on 6 years.

 

Did that answer your question?

 

Oh, one time I asked him IF he would be willing to meet her with me. He looked like he would rather have holes drilled into his head, but said, yes, if that would help me heal.

 

never pursued it.

[2sure]

My husband had a bunch of OW, and I spoke to most to most of them. It wasn't to confront , it was to inform. Had I had any unanswered questions, I think it would have been reasonable to ask.

 

I think sometimes when a BS "confronts" OW with WS or not...it is often to say more like "I'm here, I'm on board, I know what's going on, I'm participating now"

[Spark1111]

I was curious after reading a few stories on the OW/OM section of BS's having their WS go with them to "confront" their affair partner. Often, it seems, they have their WS "break up" or tell the AP that there will be NC during this meeting. I assume this is so the BS will be confident that the affair has ended, as he/she has witness the OW/OM being told by the WS that it is over.

 

How many have done this? If so, what was the experience? If you did not, is this something you would have considered doing?

 

In all honesty my fWS could have said the sky was blue and I would have gone outside to VERIFY it.

 

So, had I wanted to force a break up, I would NOT have believed it either.

 

More likely, I would have wanted to observe them together and to discern if I was still being lied to and WHERE OH WHERE the truth lied in THEIR answers to my questions.

 

That's the beauty of the triangle, pitting two sides against a third. If all three meet, well then all three get to stop the lying and decide for THEMSELVES where the truth lies.

 

BUT, if you want to REMAIN in denial, I would advise against it. It would definitely be a bubble buster.

[Furious]

I was curious after reading a few stories on the OW/OM section of BS's having their WS go with them to "confront" their affair partner. Often, it seems, they have their WS "break up" or tell the AP that there will be NC during this meeting. I assume this is so the BS will be confident that the affair has ended, as he/she has witness the OW/OM being told by the WS that it is over.

 

How many have done this? If so, what was the experience? If you did not, is this something you would have considered doing?

 

This was something I did not consider doing.

 

I just wanted out from a triangle I did not sign up for. I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. If anything, I encouraged him to go to her. I trusted that they both sucked and I wasn't in the mood to listen to bulls**t.

[whatatangledweb]

No, I didn't nor would I have gone to see her. I had no desire to speak to her and I didn't want to hear anything from her.

[velvette]

I was curious after reading a few stories on the OW/OM section of BS's having their WS go with them to "confront" their affair partner. Often, it seems, they have their WS "break up" or tell the AP that there will be NC during this meeting. I assume this is so the BS will be confident that the affair has ended, as he/she has witness the OW/OM being told by the WS that it is over.

 

How many have done this? If so, what was the experience? If you did not, is this something you would have considered doing?

 

No........he had already ended the A before I decided to R with him. Even if he hadn't, I cant imagine doing that.

 

OW was meaningless to me. I never gave her a second thought.........until she started harassing me. After a bit of that , I did confront her and we ultimately had our lawyer send her a cease and desist letter after H sent her a NC letter. But, I never felt the need to have H confront her with me or vice versa.

 

If it weren't for her harassment, I would never have spoken with her. I had all their emails, texts etc and it was over. There was nothing she could tell me that made any difference to me.

[PhoenixRise]

My husband had a bunch of OW, and I spoke to most to most of them. It wasn't to confront , it was to inform. Had I had any unanswered questions, I think it would have been reasonable to ask.

 

I think sometimes when a BS "confronts" OW with WS or not...it is often to say more like "I'm here, I'm on board, I know what's going on, I'm participating now"

 

 

I think this is key. I never confronted the FOW in person since she was long distance (i would have if she had been local), but I did speak to her on the phone on more than one occasion.

 

Our first call was my confirmation of the affair and getting details that my H had minimized. After that, although there were other phone calls, there wasn't a whole lot of info that she could give me that I wasn't capable of getting for myself.

 

It was important to me for FOW and FWH to know for sure that PhoenixRise was an active agent in her life and that I had every intention of conducting myself going forward in ways that were to MY benefit. Whatever I decided was to my benefit.

 

She was very offended that I didn't just let her keep thinking of me as a non-entity

[ComingInHot]

I did everything w/dignity, honesty and grace when dealing w/exOW. It let her know that I was above her actions and behaviors as well as My H's.

 

I would have "blown" the whole thing aboveΔΔ if I or WH& I had "confronted" her... I would have hurt her.

......now that wouldn't have served me well at all so I knew My limits, my goals and stayed w/in them.

 

So ya, No face to face w/exOW*

[dichotomy]

If you did not, is this something you would have considered doing?

 

Sort of yes - I wish there was some confrontation.

 

Because OM was far away in her old home town, an in person confrontation would have been difficult to obtain. However I do often wish my wife had issued via email or phone (with me present) some definitive Mea culpa and your a scum bag. This would have been to both OM and her old best girlfriend who supported the relationship. Instead she simply went silent- and no response - this lead to years of both still trying to reach out and restart things - because they did not understand why she did not return calls or emails.

 

But honestly my wife at the time was not healthy enough - or out of the fog- to do anything buy ignore and avoid. It took so much therapy after wards for her to be in place to do any kind of "Mea Culpa" and by then they had stopped contacting her. But I take some comfort if they ever did come out of the blue again - she would confront and let me in on it. In fact sometimes I wish they would try to restart things so I could experience her dealing with them. But it had to be all her doing the confronting - standing up for herself and me.- I just wanted to experience her standing up for herself, being accountable, and validating me as the love of her life.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I was curious after reading a few stories on the OW/OM section of BS's having their WS go with them to "confront" their affair partner. Often, it seems, they have their WS "break up" or tell the AP that there will be NC during this meeting. I assume this is so the BS will be confident that the affair has ended, as he/she has witness the OW/OM being told by the WS that it is over.

 

How many have done this? If so, what was the experience? If you did not, is this something you would have considered doing?

 

I asked my wife to handwrite a "no contact" and give it to me. She asked, "what do you want me to write?", I told her what to write, and she did it. I should preface this by saying I told my wife if she didn't want to do it, she shouldn't, and that was completely her choice, but that she also must understand, it was her choice to cheat, and it is MY choice whether or not I want to stay married.

 

Anyway, the reason I had her write it, BY HAND, and give it to me for mailing was NOT to end contact. I expected contact to end, right then and there, with no contact ever again, whether or not there was some stupid letter. I wanted to see how willingly she wrote the letter, and how willing she was to throw other man under the bus, and this was just one more way for me to gauge how willing she was to re-commit to the marriage. I did mail the letter certified mail to the other man, and a separate copy to his wife. I wanted to see if he would contact my wife after receiving the letter, and after his wife receiving the letter, and more importantly, whether or not my wife would respond to such contact.

[rumbleseat]

I would never, ever confront BS, I would never respond if she tried to confront me. And I certainly wouldn't stalk her online or in person. All OW are not nut cases. Sorry, they just aren't.

 

 

I don't think it's a matter of being a "nut case" . If an ow loved the mm, then there is every possibility she will be very hurt when the affair is over and all the truths that have been kept hidden from her are revealed (or him, in the case of an om ) . Someone who is in a great deal of emotional pain, especially when the end seems to come "out of the blue" and with mo warning, may lash out or act in ways that are totally out of character.

 

Of course, there are some ow and on who really do have some mental health issues and a bs and ws would be well advised to seek help when dealing with someone in that situation.

Edited November 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spotme]

 

I would never, ever confront BS, I would never respond if she tried to confront me. And I certainly wouldn't stalk her online or in person. All OW are not nut cases. Sorry, they just aren't.

 

I did have H call her in front of me (I did not try to listen to her end, but it was quiet in the room and she said very little, so I heard her anyway). The reason I had him call her in front of me was that I wanted to make sure that he was totally clear about the no contact by any means, that he didn't try to soften it up in a way that left things unclear. It was not about confronting her.

 

Otherwise, I had no interest in confronting the OW/former fake friend/non-nut job because I already knew the pertinent information. She made a deliberate and on-going decision to pursue him (discussed in emails and NOT excusing H for his actions, just saying what I know about her) and she rationalized why it was ok despite the damage to me and our daughter (or H for that matter), that again was in emails, she did not regret the affair after DDay (email, personal convo with H, and public facebook posting), and she was willing to take him back if R failed (personal convo and Facebook posting). I don't know if those last 2 things are still true more than a year down the road, obviously. So what would be left to say to that? I obviously felt very differently about the whole situation and hearing all of that personally would have just infuriated me further. I was also quite well aware that she's not terribly empathetic, so I didn't want her to see my pain and dismiss it - that also would have been infuriating.

Edited November 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Confusion_Reigns]

I was curious after reading a few stories on the OW/OM section of BS's having their WS go with them to "confront" their affair partner. Often, it seems, they have their WS "break up" or tell the AP that there will be NC during this meeting. I assume this is so the BS will be confident that the affair has ended, as he/she has witness the OW/OM being told by the WS that it is over.

 

How many have done this? If so, what was the experience? If you did not, is this something you would have considered doing?

 

When I was a bs, no, I’d never do anything like that. I never even thought of doing anything like that. I was bs before I found any of these infidelity sites so I never even heard of anything like that happening.

 

This is what happened. My H confessed to me with her present. We had all been drinking and it was a wild a crazy time for months afterward. I went ballistic but not on her. She denied-denied-denied and asked him why he was lying. If you ask me they’re all damned lucky I am who I am cuz that had the potential to be a very-very bad situation. As it was I left and went home and…well, I’m sure we all know what physically happened within my body due to the stress of it all.

 

Anyway, I handle my own stuff. She harassed me so I handled that myself. I don’t need him to do or say anything in this regard. She’s had a hard life and, unfortunately, she only understands things in that context. So I had to be hard with her for her to understand to that she needed to leave me and mine alone. Not talking about my husband as ‘mine’ I’m referring to my children. I figured that H’s a grown man who makes his own decisions. I can’t *make* him do anything. If this is what he wants then that’s that.

 

Of course I did not ‘go quietly’ as I had a family and my children to think of. So when he came to visit me I didn’t tell him to leave. When he called me I wouldn’t hang up on him. When he came to find me (if I wasn’t home) I didn’t evade him. She didn’t much care for all of that and would call me telling ME to leave him alone. Pfft. He’s a grown man and he’s doing what he wants to do…besides, and this I kinda regret for myself but not for my children…I didn’t want her to be in my kids lives like that.

 

When H asked to come home, well, that’s when things with her started to get even crazier. I was not part of their relationship so I felt like it was up to him to end that, the only thing I told him was to end it properly with her. By this time I had found the infidelity sites and didn’t want her to have false hope from him….but like I said I wasn’t my place to do that for him and I’m not about to tell him how to do it…that’s all his to deal with. I don’t believe he ever did talk to her about ending things with her and reconciling with me. She became a huge pain in my life. Really, it was up to him to make this stop. I figured he brought her into our lives and he needed to get her out of our lives. Nope, I wasn’t about to tell him how to do that.

 

The way I see it is that I have to trust him, I don’t need to trust her. To me it seems kinda desperate to demand this as a BS, and, sorry if this is going to sound awful…it seems like this move doesn’t come from a good place inside of the BS….like it’s feeding a negative need within them. I’m not really sure how to say this correctly. If I couldn’t trust him in this most profound way then I highly doubt I’d ever be able to trust him.

 

I think if this was a long term affair on his part everything would have played out much differently. This was a very short lived secret affair (like two weeks, and yes I believe this) that was cut short and turned into a legitimate open relationship. They were together for about 8 mo’s….she held on for a long time afterwards…and even now I think she would still jump at the chance to be with him…not that I think she’s trying that but just what I think.

 

I don’t hold much animosity towards her anymore. I think the bad feelings I have now are just remnants from the past. When I see her around I don’t get that ugly feeling anymore. However, with him I still get that ugly feeling…but that’s about so much more than this relationship he had with this particular woman.

Edited October 25, 2013 by Confusion_Reigns

[Snowflower]

 

I would never, ever confront BS, I would never respond if she tried to confront me. And I certainly wouldn't stalk her online or in person. All OW are not nut cases. Sorry, they just aren't.

 

I didn't have a crazy OW in my situation. Thankfully, once my H told her it was over, she pretty much left him alone. There were a few attempts at contact in those early months. He told me about them.

 

She never tried to contact me. Personally, I think she was too chicken**** to do so. I never tried to contact her either. I didn't know her, so what was the point?

 

She did try to resume regular contact with my H last year...nearly 4 years after the affair had ended. It was weird. Why, after all that time?

Edited November 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[goodyblue]

I didn't have a crazy OW in my situation. Thankfully, once my H told her it was over, she pretty much left him alone. There were a few attempts at contact in those early months. He told me about them.

 

She never tried to contact me. Personally, I think she was too chicken**** to do so. I never tried to contact her either. I didn't know her, so what was the point?

 

She did try to resume regular contact with my H last year...nearly 4 years after the affair had ended. It was weird. Why, after all that time?

 

 

Snow, I've no idea. I think it's absolutely crazy to try and reconnect with someone after it's over in ANY relationship. Get over it, move on. I hope your H put a stop to it straight away.

 

I know not every OW is considered crazy, stalkerish, whatever, but you must admit, we do hear A LOT about how they are. I think a lot are less crazy than people think. We're all just people trying to live. Life is not easy.

[underwater2010]

In my case the affair was over before well before DDay. I did call MOW right away and let her know that she should talk to her husband before I did. Then I dug for more information.

 

I had their address and was going to drop of the information with one of my girlfriends. But I found his cell before I had to use that option. Looking back this is a good thing, because I am not sure if I could have controlled myself had I seen her in person. In fact, I probably would have died laughing after seeing an updated picture of her.

 

Now if the affair had not been over, then I probably would have kicked him out on his butt and waited to see the fallout. But I am one of the lucky few that did not have to make a rash decision or put up with their "sadness" of killing their affair.

[dichotomy]

I am not sure what Crazy OW/OM means….., but in my case, I don't think OM was crazy at all - but simply a womanizer, a player, who had a very high opinion of himself, and a low opinion on the sanctity of marriage. He also frankly understood or thought (justifiably at the time) my wife shared these two views (he is hot, marriage is not). So the calls/games continued for a while after she broke off contact on her end.

 

I guess thats really kind of what I wanted in the confrontation way back then - her confronting herself in front of him, to let him know she changed and felt and believed in something different now. But problem was - she did not come to that view until much later. Crazy? My wife's views were crazy back then - thats what bothered me and what I wanted confronted- not the OM's moral or mental state.

[Fredflintstone]

After about 8 weeks and me constantly cross examining my ws I eventually felt I needed to meet up and ask questions. He knew who I was, my wife turned up even though I tried to go on my own and I asked questions. I wish I did it alot earlier when my wife suggested it, everything was more or less as she said bar a few minor details. Afterwards my wife said she wished I did it earlier, it has helped but I'm by no means happy as a result. I would say it was a positive outcome for me though.

[Journee]

 

I would never, ever confront BS, I would never respond if she tried to confront me. And I certainly wouldn't stalk her online or in person. All OW are not nut cases. Sorry, they just aren't.

 

Well, I can only speak for my post but I certainly didn't state that I was stalked or that OW was crazy. A bit manic but it was a stressful situation. One OW did take it too far and was outright harassing me. That's just the truth. Another OW just wanted to move on and I believe was misled by H. She was rude but not much else to say. All very different. Same pain for me.

 

All OW are not a part of some monolithic brigade and neither are BS. There is also a difference in aggressive confrontation and seeking answers. The former seems to be what many picture happening. Even if all APs don't act out in harassing ways , some do. Even if it's only true for one person. It is still a truth. Not labeling entire groups of people.

Edited November 1, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Fredflintstone]

Meh.

 

Those two chuckle-heads already had their 'story' rehearsed long before you ever got to him.

 

I wouldn't believe anything he said. He was already coached.

 

My wife told me that if she didn't tell me everything she knew that if I found something out in a year or ten that it would end us. I know probably all the important details, to me anyway, why would they need to get their story straight. The guilt she has shown and the health issues she is going through, some life threatening as a result, why would she go through that if she could just walk away. I might still walk myself yet if I end up not being able to get over it. You've made me feel abit paranoid now.

[Janesays]

I never did. But mostly because I just didn't care enough to. We were getting divorced, so what was the point? If I had, the only thing I could possibly think to say is, "Good luck with him. You'll need it."

 

I remember my friends asking, "But Jane! You don't even know what she looks like! Aren't you curious?!?!"

 

No. Not even a little bit.

 

Then again, I've never been curious about the men who collect my trash, either. And that's all the OW was to me....the poor girl who got stuck with my discarded trash.

[yellowmaverick]

I wonder how many of the BS who told WS to call OW [as it is he who was basically the one who caused all the damage and the lies] would have liked a phone call from him telling you how the marriage was over in front of OW. I cannot imagine any OW making them do that. It is the most cruel act imaginable on either end and totally cowardly. Yes, you can get him to end it, telling someone over the phone in a mean and cruel way is gutless and means nothing, except to show what a scumbag the MM MW is. No prizes for that one. UGH

 

Seriously?? There is no comparison between a spouse and a mistress. The mistress knew that she was a side piece going in. Yes, the MM acted like a scumbag, as you say, but so did the mistress.