Question about a friend

[HazelBlue]

Just for the record, I do actually mean a friend, not me. I know how these things sound.

Also, sorry if this was the wrong forum. I looked around and this seems the best way.

 

I was talking to my friend about the behavior of her long time boyfriend and I frankly think he is lying to her. She is quite young and a single mother and as I understand has had a hard life and not the best examples set for her in childhood. She told me he was quite a bit older, but not his age. She both said she thinks he is lying and that it doesn't make sense and thinks he couldn't ever do that that she hated that she suspected him, within the course of the same conversation. She says that if he is married that she'd want to tell his wife because she never intended to be party to cheating, but if he's not she doesn't want to do something to betray his trust and lose him forever, and doesn't want to bother the wife if she really requested not to be bothered.

 

Highlights as I remember them.

- been together for 3.5 years... some off time in there, though never out of contact and not much

- both claim separation instead of legally divorced when they met but he's met her ex (and his committed relationship partner) and children and friends, she has not met anyone from his life.

-He showed her copies of the divorce paperwork when they started dating at her request

- his children live with his ex in state A, she lives in state B where he worked for a while, he now works in state C. He legally lives with ex at A, but lived with her in B until he worked in state C and still pays the rent where she lives. None of these states are anywhere close to each other.

- he visits her once every 4-6 weeks for a day at this point which is significantly less than in the past. He says he is visiting the children, and staying in the basement of ex's house during that time frame.

-When she broke up with him, he came all in with how much he loved her and went out of his way to spend time with her and bought her everything he even thought she wanted. This is apparently how he behaved in the beginning, with lots of love letters and commitments. She thinks he acts more distant if she starts asking about marriage or kids or meeting his family but then said she could be imagining it.

-When she asked about meeting his kids he said his ex forbade it, and when she asked about speaking to the ex directly that she said she never wanted to hear from his girlfriend and was disgusted by the idea

-For the first couple of years he would say he loved her at any point even when visiting kids and while she could hear them in the background and would always answer the phone. Now he calls her back when he's alone.

-He got very angry about her sending a birthday present to the residence in state A when he was there because "it's not my house" He did originally share the address there with her.

-She did accuse him of still being married at one point because things didn't make sense, and he said that's ridiculous - if he was married and they almost never have sex anymore why wouldn't he save his money and ditch her when he started working in state C, and asked if she really thought he was so pathetic and such an ******* as to behave in that way. She asked if he would mind if she sent a letter or phoned up his ex wife and he said to do whatever she wants "If you don't trust me after everything"

-Her friends who have met him apparently assure her he's definitely not the type to have an affair and that he clearly is deeply in love with her. I've not met him.

-He apparently is fiercely private and doesn't want anybody to know anything about him. She was hesitant to share details because "it's really important to him"

 

She said more, but it was mainly along the lines of how much he put up with and how much better he is to her than any other guy has ever been.

 

I think he's clearly married and possibly has other girlfriends as well.

I was considering contacting this supposed ex wife myself. It may be my friend will never talk to me again, but it may be that I save her of wasting more of her life wanting to believe the good in somebody lying to her.

I brought up the idea and she sounded like she wanted it, then said no, that jealousy is bad and she doesn't want to behave like she's young and needy. She was crying and has been seeming more and more depressed, and clearly blames herself for not trusting him.

 

Any thoughts on what I should say to her and whether I should contact this woman who might possibly being lied to along with my friend?

[whichwayisup]

I think your friend should end it with him. She doesn't trust him and isn't included in many parts of his life, not meeting any of his family or friends after 3.5 years IS a HUGE red flag.

 

She's better off alone.

 

Please do not get involved and take matters into your hands. It's not your life to mess with and as you said if your friend found out, she'd be pissed at you for interfering. Advise her, be there for her, support her, tell her what you think but don't go get involved in this. It's not your place to.

[HazelBlue]

I think your friend should end it with him. She doesn't trust him and isn't included in many parts of his life, not meeting any of his family or friends after 3.5 years IS a HUGE red flag.

 

She's better off alone.

 

Please do not get involved and take matters into your hands. It's not your life to mess with and as you said if your friend found out, she'd be pissed at you for interfering. Advise her, be there for her, support her, tell her what you think but don't go get involved in this. It's not your place to.

 

I suppose you're right.

She doesn't want to because she wants to trust him despite the red flags though. She said if he had been cheating, she'd want his wife to know and she'd want to know. She sounded aghast at the possibility.

 

She's not going to just leave him without a reason, though. I tried that, and she said she loved him and her daughter loves him and she can't just destroy it because it's not perfect. That's when she said she had to trust him. I'm more convinced that he is lying to her than she is, and I don't want her to waste years or find out with an accidental pregnancy or when she's vulnerable, not to mention the other family being hurt.

[Solcita2]

And what about hiring a PI? If he's indeed still involved with his ex the PI would be able to get pics... and if there's another woman in state C also...

 

I was involved and met the kids of my ex while he was married (I thought he was separated and never married at all... I resigned my job to move out of my country to be with him when a friend of him came to me and told me the truth... because my ex did introduce me to a lot of people...)... so... I do believe you can be fooled...