another day, another trigger

[katielee]

The first text I saw between hubby and his first AP was something about running, and how you can eat whatever you want if you’ve worked out… so Saturday we’re at a work picnic and he asks a coworker something about her running and I trigger terribly. And then on the way home I ask him if he has a hard on for this woman, who looks like his 2nd AP, only with a much larger butt.

He says no.. I cry a little and then figure it’s not worth it. I’m tired of this crap. I figure in my head, eff it, you make a **** ton of money, are good in bed and are too afraid to divorce me. I guess this is good enough for me. But really, it’s not. And really, what happened shouldn’t be this big of a deal this far out. Maybe I just want to throw a fit over little things. On Sunday the other AP's son was in the sports section of the newspaper. Another trigger....

Would this bother anyone else? I’m tired.

[SCAATY]

Twenty seven years out and I still trigger.

[katielee]

Jesus, SCATTY. worth it for staying?

[SCAATY]

Rug swept when first happened.

 

Counseling this summer brings it all back. Very fresh and raw! Now dealing with it in a big way.

 

Yes. Our lives together have been, and are, worth it. Not regretting my decision to stay.

 

However, reconciliation is not for the weak.

 

SCAATY

[harrybrown]

Do you tell your spouse about the triggers?

 

Is your spouse open with you? Did your spouse affirm their love for you when you triggered?

[katielee]

I told him about the first one. Not the second.

Yes triggers upset me. I'm tired of dealing with them. I trigger every day. Most aren't even mentioned.

The Saturday one hit me hard. If he can't handle me occasionally getting enotional and angry about it he should leave.

[katielee]

Ha coolit, he does the same thing to me. I think, ok he's scared, I need to reassure him. And so I do.

I will be angry for as long as i need to. I don't believe forgiveness is essential for reconciliation. As of now, I can't forgive his second affair. I don't often mention it but...

He just mentored a trigger if his that could have been prevented had I thought it out. I hugged him and he was very mature about it and said it wasn't going to ruin his night,

I said I triggered Sunday but being bit was in the newspaper and he can't control it, I didn't mention it. There is nothing he could do. Kinda like seeing the OW. Nothing he can do. I just wish there was, had it not happened I wouldn't be triggering.

But saying something that trigger each otherr, that we can work on...

[AlwaysGrowing]

A trigger is not the same as holding the affair over your spouses head. Katie had no more control over the newspaper than her husband does. Doesn't change the fact that as she was reading the newspaper...there it is...slapping her aside the face. Katie recognized that he doesn't have control over the newspaper and not mentioning it, doesnt change the fact that as something as innocuous as reading the newspaper....BOOM...there is the OW. How can one expect someone NOT to be affected by that? To expect that to me is insensitive. Also, if he started the affair with running...of course one would be sensitive if he started asking yet ANOTHER woman about running. It is to be expected.

 

If you have never suffered trauma, then you do not know..how the body reacts when similar circumstances arise. It is visceral. It is about protecting SELF. And it is normal. It is a protection mechanism...to keep us safe from similar events.

 

She is not sitting there 24-7...saying..hey you had an affair..you jerk. Which I agree is not conducive to R. What Katie is saying.....hey triggers suck...does anyone else agree?

 

Forgiving, acceptance...has nothing to do with still feeling pain.

 

 

Would you, if you put someone in a wheelchair...5 years out...tell them to stop whining about not being able to walk? Of course not. You would always understand that they paid a price...for your poor choices..and it is for life.

[2sunny]

we have to come up with three things we like about each other, three things we dislike, three things we'd like to change, what a successful marriage looks like...

 

I came up with 6 things - and could have done more - that I like about him. and the other stuff too.

 

it's just that, I was talking to someone who said she was taking back her life and not letting something like triggers or seeing the OW bother her. She was going to face it and move forward. This floors me.

 

What I do when I see the OW: become furious at my husband for putting me in a position where I have to be the bigger person. I have had to walk by her in at the pool, she was in a bikini, and hold my head high. All the while I'm thinking, you got me hubby, you got me good.

 

I'm not a bigger person. I'm an angry person.

 

Ask your counselor to help you - to stop handing all these people and circumstances (triggers even) ALL YOUR POWER.

 

Living in anger isn't living - it's hell.

 

If you find you can't change and forgive - you'd be better off on your own. But do the work first on yourself. Offering your angry self to the am won't help the reconciliation.

 

If you need more assurance and compassion for your feelings - then tell your H what you need.

[AlwaysGrowing]

A trigger is not about anger....it is about PAIN.

 

Big difference.

 

Katie has every right not to forgive her husbands second affair. It is her path. Not mine, not yours...hers.

 

I can not fully understand...how it must have felt to actually pull him off of the OW. So, I won't pretend to. I only know..that as hard as I try to fully understand...my anger gets in the way. Katie actually LIVED it. It really happened...and it must have been horrific.

 

There are things that happened to me as a child..will still...send warning bells to my body....hair...anxiety...DEFCON1...alert...alert...alert. It is disarming. And it is crazy making. However...it is real. And its my internal protection telling me that something is up about a situation or a person. And it is right. Either a similar situation or person did hurt me...or the situation or person in front of me will. The body doesn't always know the difference. Neither do we. Talking it out...brings resolution. Either way.

[hollyhillcourt]

Katie - you are giving OW waaaay too much power. I'm sure you know this but if not, just a reminder.....

 

She has no power. You do.

[SarahJames]

Yes, triggers were leaving us both exhausted-not so much the trigger but the conversations that followed-the rehashing-now when I trigger I say "rabbit hole" because thats exactly what its like-falling down a rabbit hole into a conversation or argument that gets us no place- when I say Rabbit Hole he does my favorite thing-kisses my neck and says thank you for this second chance, I love you- if we are in a place where the above is not possible I give him a rabbit ears sign and he squeezes my hand three times for I love you. We do the same when he triggers but I just say " I am still here, we are going to be OK. I love you"-

 

that might be the cutest thing I've ever heard

[katielee]

thanks for all your replies...

 

I'm not sure what you mean coolit - if I forgive I will no longer trigger? Not gonna happen. I will forever "bring things up" that upset me.

 

Let me explain what it's like for me to see the OW for those of you who think I give them too much power - and I 've talked extensively about this at my IC. I can't just flip a switch and make it go away... I grew up in a mountain state. Every time I saw a big black furry thing my heart would race and I would think "bear!" and get the flight /fight reaction. I now live in the midwest where there are NO bears. I still get the same reaction when I see a big black furry dog. There is no way to talk myself out of it. It happens before I can logically think, "no katielee, you are safe, that is just a dog." The SAME thing happens when I see the OW - there is a physical reaction I can't control and this is because I was traumatized. Believe me, I would love for this not to happen and maybe it will, in time, but I need to be patient with myself. I especially need to protect myself from further trauma, and that is what is happening here. I don't know when to yell UNCLE! when is it enough so that I can't handle it anymore? I don't know. I can tell you 1.5 years of therapy and simply saying I'm not going to let it bother me anymore hasn't worked.

 

forgiveness - perhaps our definitions are different. To me forgiveness is understanding how a person got to the place where they chose that action.I get his first one -I still trigger and I will be angry on occasion, but I will never understand how he could do that to me twice. To me that would be saying to him, it's ok that you abused me. otherwise, what is forgiveness then? Not thinking about it? Moving on? If that's the case, we're doing that. albeit on the normal rollercoaster that everyone is on.

 

He's being great now. Wrote me a love letter last night. I'm not bitter. I handle myself pretty well. But I have SO MUCH to get over. And what I'm saying as I write all these posts is that I don't know how I can do it. I can live in a "good enough" marriage but it seems as if I'm settling.

 

Really folks, would you stay in this marriage?

[velvette]

thanks for all your replies...

 

I'm not sure what you mean coolit - if I forgive I will no longer trigger? Not gonna happen. I will forever "bring things up" that upset me.

 

Let me explain what it's like for me to see the OW for those of you who think I give them too much power - and I 've talked extensively about this at my IC. I can't just flip a switch and make it go away... I grew up in a mountain state. Every time I saw a big black furry thing my heart would race and I would think "bear!" and get the flight /fight reaction. I now live in the midwest where there are NO bears. I still get the same reaction when I see a big black furry dog. There is no way to talk myself out of it. It happens before I can logically think, "no katielee, you are safe, that is just a dog." The SAME thing happens when I see the OW - there is a physical reaction I can't control and this is because I was traumatized. Believe me, I would love for this not to happen and maybe it will, in time, but I need to be patient with myself. I especially need to protect myself from further trauma, and that is what is happening here. I don't know when to yell UNCLE! when is it enough so that I can't handle it anymore? I don't know. I can tell you 1.5 years of therapy and simply saying I'm not going to let it bother me anymore hasn't worked.

 

forgiveness - perhaps our definitions are different. To me forgiveness is understanding how a person got to the place where they chose that action.I get his first one -I still trigger and I will be angry on occasion, but I will never understand how he could do that to me twice. To me that would be saying to him, it's ok that you abused me. otherwise, what is forgiveness then? Not thinking about it? Moving on? If that's the case, we're doing that. albeit on the normal rollercoaster that everyone is on.

 

He's being great now. Wrote me a love letter last night. I'm not bitter. I handle myself pretty well. But I have SO MUCH to get over. And what I'm saying as I write all these posts is that I don't know how I can do it. I can live in a "good enough" marriage but it seems as if I'm settling.

 

Really folks, would you stay in this marriage?

 

Maybe a different therapist or different type therapy is in order?

 

Someone who specializes in PTSD.........EMDR? Hypnosis?

[2sunny]

No, I wouldn't stay - when I read SECOND other woman I shook my head and said "unbelievable". TWO that you KNOW about?

[katielee]

Maybe a different therapist or different type therapy is in order?

 

Someone who specializes in PTSD.........EMDR? Hypnosis?

 

I've had several sessons of EMDR, and we specifically targeted what I saw, among other things.

 

That was my second therapist. My first one - we were doing pretty well together and then she said, "I'm so sorry this happened, I'm so sorry he did this to you, but it's time to move on." So, I guess I was just supposed to put it all in the past and forget it. I don't know why people think I that it's as simple as a choice without any further issues... n

[velvette]

I've had several sessons of EMDR, and we specifically targeted what I saw, among other things.

 

That was my second therapist. My first one - we were doing pretty well together and then she said, "I'm so sorry this happened, I'm so sorry he did this to you, but it's time to move on." So, I guess I was just supposed to put it all in the past and forget it. I don't know why people think I that it's as simple as a choice without any further issues... n

 

As to whether or not I would stay, I think you are the only one who can say that with the totality of your knowledge of your M.

 

If you don't know then, I would say you are stuck. Which is ok, but not a great or happy place to be.

 

Are you stuck because you are afraid to leave or because you are afraid to stay and fully reembrace your M?

 

As for the triggers, I understand you cant stop them, but you can make choices about how to deal with them. So, maybe experimenting with some different approaches would give you more power over them.

 

Is the EMDR helping at all?

[katielee]

because you are afraid to stay and fully reembrace your M?

 

 

 

Is the EMDR helping at all?

 

yep, not afraid to leave but afraid to stay and jump in with both feet.

 

yes, EMDR is helping... what i saw doesn't give me as much anxiety as before.

[velvette]

yep, not afraid to leave but afraid to stay and jump in with both feet.

 

yes, EMDR is helping... what i saw doesn't give me as much anxiety as before.

 

Glad the emdr is helping.

 

Can you be specific about what you are afraid of......here if you want...or at least with yourself?

[samsungxoxo]

If I recalled clearly didn't you want to divorce him when you caught him with the 2nd OW???

 

That would be too much for me to handle. It's one thing to know you got cheated on but to actually walk into it is not only traumatizing but self-destructive. The fact that it was the second time he cheated makes it even more justify to file for divorce.

 

But if you still want to work it out through all that, which I don't understand why then he has to be showing absolute remorse and become an open book from for whatever time it takes you to heal. Has he been doing that??

[katielee]

yes he is being great... now.

but there has been a lot of damage done that I don't know can be overcome.

for instance, I'm very hesitant because there was no confession. And I found out everything myself or say I could find it out. So you can see I'm no where near determining if I'm safe enough to stay. It will take a while.

And that is also why I am adamant that there be no more trauma in my life. The betrayals have been enough. I shouldn't ever have to see the women my husband was with.. Although triggers are unavoidable, they should be as minimal as possible.

[samsungxoxo]

She cheated too? If that's the case then I suppose her husband can also check on her stuff?

 

Now it seems like a super dysfunctional marriage. I agree that they should divorce and start new with someone else. There is too much to work out.

[katielee]

As should your husband. You cheated on him, he cheated on you, and now you don't know if you can get past it.

 

Have you very seriously considered divorce so the both of you can start anew with someone else in the future?

 

yep that is correct. I am not sure if I can get past it, although I'm trying. He is sure he wants to stay together.

 

I'm guessing we both would bring the same mistrust to a new relationship. Yes, I've considered it. We have been together for 28 years, have 4 grown children. lots to consider. My therapist told me to weigh the pros and cons of staying and going. So that's what it comes down to? And if I decide to stay that means never feeling bad or angry about what happened. I can't do that.

[katielee]

her husband can also check on her stuff?

 

There is too much to work out.

 

checking on stuff? This has never been an issue of mine. And he is transparent too...

 

there is a lot to work out. Trying to determine if I can do it. Just chucking it all and starting over doesn't seem healthy either.

[samsungxoxo]

checking on stuff? This has never been an issue of mine. And he is transparent too...

Yeah but don't you want to be free of all that??

there is a lot to work out. Trying to determine if I can do it. Just chucking it all and starting over doesn't seem healthy either.

Then you're a brave woman. I'd rather start new than go through all that hell. There is something wrong with starting all over with someone different. You wouldn't have to worry about the ''What if it he cheats again'' nor deal with the visuals.