I am CD's BS, and this is my story.

[Compulsive Musician]

I am compulsive dancer's husband. Here is my story. It is, at times, somewhat explicit. I am unfamiliar with the candor of the board, so sorry in advance (if necessary).

 

I met my wife in our teenage years, but I wanted nothing to do with her. She was hyper and annoying. Flighty. Later, in my first year of college, we had substantial conversations and became close friends and a relationship soon followed. It's been almost 10 years.

 

My wife is the only woman I've ever had any sexual encounter with. I never felt this was an issue (historically).

 

Our affair begins (I would say) with years of on and off conversation regarding open relationships. Now, I want to stress that we talked about them intellectually. The same way we discuss "What if we were vegan" or "What if

we'd attended the same college", "What if we moved to another country". I figure there's a chance that over a lifetime that we may want to experience sex with other people. Maybe. Years down the road. But nothing more. I didn't believe there was any ambiguity to this.

 

My wife has always been flirty. She grew up neglected and has some strong validation issues (particularly with men). I've always thought my wife had the capacity to cheat, but our years together seemed to suggest that our relationship was strong and respectful enough that she could conduct herself appropriately.

 

Enter last year.

 

My wife and I have another set of discussions about what hypothetical partners we would choose. I didn't really have anyone in mind. She did. She mentions my best friend of 15 years (we'll call him Douche). At the time

(because it was hypothetical and I didn't really think it needed a thorough examination), I thought "he'd be perfect. No STDs, trustworthy and honorable guy, long history with him, and he's easy to work with as a person".

 

Unfortunately, my wife mentions this to Douche in casual conversation. She swears it was an accident. I believe it was a happy accident.

 

I hate this. I'm very uncomfortable and disappointed that our private conversation is going to add social stress where it is utterly unnecessary.

 

Worse yet, Douche tells my wife he'd love to sleep with her (shock), and she basically tells him "That's great! We can start as soon as we can convince my husband to agree to it!" This is paraphrased. But this is what Douche took away from the conversation.

 

Now I have to do damage control before it gets out of hand. I meet with Douche privately and discuss WITH NO UNCERTAINTY that what Steph and I discuss is a private conversation. That we've discussed it intellectually. That if anything were to EVER happen, it would be years down the road. He's determined to try and sway me. I am confident and comfortable in my approach. He regales me with stories about how sex starved his relationship is (independently verified multiple times to not be true, I found out later). I even tell him at one point:

 

"I know this will not bring you joy, nor will it quell the flutterings/excitment of what was anticipated to be a new dynamic to your lives. It is, unfortunately for you, also not a negotiation. This still is, and shall

remain, a private conversation between two married people. Nothing more than a thought experiment, mis-interpreted and supercharged with hormones."

 

Totally ambiguous, right?

 

 

Compulsive is PISSED. She makes me feel like **** for 'being so selfish' and not 'letting her be free'. She feels like she's 'living in a cage, watching the world outside go by'. She makes me feel like I'm an awful, inconsiderate husband.

 

It is August.

 

Sometime soon, my wife and Douche decide they need to 'get physically more comfortable' since they're going to 'be having sex eventually'. I am not privvy to this arrangement (obviously) and am played for a fool for MONTHS while they (literally) dick around. Douche somehow maintains it's only a matter of time before I 'come around' to the idea.

 

Now, I was a fool for trusting them. I allowed her to visit him, (he's a social recluse, techy loser type that lives with his parents) because I assume that

 

1) They are decent people

 

2) I've known them for years, very personally, with an anticipated understanding of their ethics and morality.

 

3) They'll be under supervision anyways

 

I start to get jealous of the fact she's working on projects with him, and beat myself up over it for having such little faith in my best friend and wife. At one point, Compulsive asked me if she wanted me to stop going over there, and I stupidly said "My hangups are my own. I don't need to feel jealous." I have a naively hopeful view of how people can coexist in this world (at this point).

 

My wife spends her days upset about being underemployed, incessantly sending dirty texts back and forth at all hours of the day with Douche, some days spending all day just reading and masturbating. Escaping. She's

depressed, and doesn't possess the tools to pull herself out of it. I didn't really understand that at the time.

 

Douche is a relaxing escape from what she considers a failure of a life. Her only mark of success, as she considered it, was her marriage (ironic). He talks SO dirty to her. Douche is a pretty good candidate for the term 'sex addict'. He masturbates multiple times daily, is obsessed with porn, and notes women only by their physical features (and has no real restrictions for age preference. Period.) He texts my wife things she's never heard before from me. She's thrilled. I'm unaware that I've been reduced to a function in her life. I'm the love she knows she can have when she doesn't want Douche. I am an ignorant commodity for their f**k games.

 

And games do they play. They used Douche's girlfriend as a sex toy in a variety of ways. It's noteworthy that Douche promised Compulsive that his gf gave a complete stamp of approval.

 

It is late November.

 

My wife is pulling away. Now, I don't see it this way at the time, I only sense that things are a little different. I find myself missing her more. However, Compulsive begins to badger me into open relationship discussions. She wants me to consider them. Really think about trying it out, find some candidates. After weeks of this, I finally agree that "Ok, 3 times. We'll try it 3 times, and see."

 

Compulsive tells Douche the news. I'm sure they threw a f**k party. lol. She urges Douche to speak with me (btw, they've been having sex for a little while at this point) to somehow 'legitimize' what they're doing. Not tell me, mind you, just to have 3 'conscious free' passes I guess, that they presumably could then have ignored perpetually until she got pregnant)

 

She has Douche come over to take advantage of the situation. He doesn't want to. Over the course of the conversation, he looks me straight in the eyes and makes me a series of promises. I find out later he managed to break almost every single one of them (hell, in retrospect maybe it was a checklist). I am nervous, insecure and have weak delivery. I don't really want to have this conversation. Douche freaks out a little. (Now it's worth noting, not enough to stop f**king my wife)

 

There is a girl I've know for a little while, who is conveniently available at the time. I'm not notably attracted to her or interested in her. I find her naked before me, and I start to feel guilty. My heart is not remotely in this. She leans against me, and she doesn't smell or feel like Compulsive. It's all wrong. I don't want to be here. We follow through, somewhat (I finger her to orgasm). It is entirely procedural, and probably pretty awkward for her (in retrospect). I still feel powerfully ashamed of this moment of my life.

 

I come home, and tell my wife immediately. I feel terrible. I'm upset and disappointed in myself. I feel simultaneously completely responsible AND somehow tricked into this scenario. I tell my wife that we just can't do this. She's not happy. I even make a point of getting her some art supplies as an extended 'Sorry', because I felt bad. She sighs and tells me it's ok. That she won't do it then. (Guys, I know what you're thinking. It's where I was at at the time.)

 

I start to ask questions about what she does over at Douche's place. She tells me lame complacent things that I foolishly believe.

 

It Christmas season.

 

My wife is very distant. She's constantly checking her phone. I just want to be in contact with her. I want to always be touching her. We go to her family's Christmas celebration, and on the way home, I'm sick of her being on her phone all the time.

 

I wake up at 4 in the morning to find my wife texting Douche. It is at this time I decide it might behoove me to snoop a bit.

 

Now, I wrestle with this for a few weeks before I actually do it. Privacy is an important value to me. My jealousy and insecurity get the better of my moral compass, and I grab her phone while she's in the shower and check her gmail. I see an erotic story they're co-writing. I ask her about it through the shower door, trying my damndest to stay calm. She, of course, lies to me about its existence. It is not long after that while she's sleeping, I go through her iPhone in its entirety.

 

I find some very uncomfortable but vague texts about 'Whatsapp' and it's deletion because someone is nervous and freaked out because I was asking questions. "We should take a break and just let this all blow over, then

we'll meet up again and decide what to do".

 

I'm freaking out. My wife foolishly emailed herself a copy of their transcripts. Dumb. But I'm grateful. I don't read it, I just grab everything and email it to myself from her phone. I can check it all later. I have everything she could hope to delete already from every single account of any kind I'm ever aware of her using. I'm new to snooping, but DAMN am I thorough.

 

I wake her ass up from a dead sleep to ask about the texts. I give her the chance to tell me. 3 times. She tries to play it off like it's nothing. Each time. "I don't know why you're freaking out". lol

[Compulsive Musician]

DDay

 

It's the morning of Tuesday, January 29th, 2013. Just days after my wife's last bareback ride with her lover (that last weekend was fun, I'm sure).

 

I check that transcript. Because I apparently love inflicting intense emotional pain on myself. It's a complete ledger of all their messages from early August to the end of October. It because abundantly clear what's been going on. Their 'conversations' carry on mostly like this. Compulsive rambles, often fraught with approval seeking language. Douche responds with short, quick words. Compulsive starts talking sexy, he's all in again. Topic leaves sex, he's socially disinterested again. He encourages her to do take risks and do dangerous things (like getting herself off while driving down the interstate... Compulsive doesn't multitask for s**t. So this is legitimately dangerous. lol). But he doesn't care. She not a person. She's a tool. It infuriates me that he would EVER be so careless with her. She loves it, and it hurts me. I feel like such a stupid tool.

 

The industry I work in leaves me with fairly regular encounters with women who would like to spend some time with me. I have -always- looked at these an opportunity to prove who I was. With each turn down, I was re-affirming my love and commitment to Compulsive. Not to say I was never tempted, but I -never- did. This was an added level of frustration, given that I've, to date, only -ever- slept with Compulsive.

 

I have a panic attack. It can't be true. No way. He tells her ever degrading, erotic, 'woman as a f**kdoll' type of thing you could hope for from a male sex addict. She loves it. Now, it's worth noting, I have never received this type of attention from my wife. Ever. And here I read about all their fantasies. How they use Douche's gf.

 

All these things. My mind implodes. This can't be real. I call Douche on the phone and ask him directly. He confirms. I tell him if he ever had any shred of respect for the friendship we once had, he better get his ass over here and explain himself. He makes me promise I won't hit him. I agree. Whatever it takes. I need to talk to him in person. I need to read him.

 

I hang up the phone and throw up. This can't be true. Why?!?! Why?!? Why? How? A million thoughts rush through my head. I don't know what to feel. Every emotion is firing at once, and I NEED information.

 

My wife soon thereafter confirms the depths of her selfish depravity via texts I'd sent her. I pace the house, waiting for Douche to show up. I try to find the strength in myself to not immediately destroy the life that is about to walk into my house. I tell myself it won't get me answers. I won't learn anything. I'll get arrested (I would -destroy- him physically), and what's worse, what if I get in a rage and kill him? What do I do then?

 

To his credit, he showed up. I found him cowering by his truck in my driveway before I ordered him inside to explain himself. I grill him for everything he's got. I need to before SHE gets home. He lies about every aspect of it, (other than saying that it 'somehow' happened. That he was a 'victim of hormones' and 'biology is hard to handle', he would 'never do this again', 'it's just too stressful'.)

 

Compulsive shows up soon thereafter. I have them in the same room. I grill them. I scream at them. I pull out every single socially and emotionally destructive weapon my mind has every conceived of. I am wrath and I feel

incredibly powerful. I have -never- been an aggressive or mean person. This is new and I hate how good my rage feels. Compulsive looks straight at me with a 'well this is how it is' edge in her voice and tells me "I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry that this hurts you, but I am NOT sorry I had sex with him".

 

I lose it.

 

I want every part of my body to explode with anger simultaneously. I punch (and leave a surprising dent in) our steel front door. My hand never fully heals from this. 4-5 hours pass. I exhaust myself.

 

I tell Douche before he leaves that he's got 24 hours before I tell his GF everything in full detail. I don't give a **** what he does. He begs me not to tell his family. I agreed at the time. He askes if months later he and I can meet and talk some more, after some space has been had. I agree, with civility.

 

I call his g/f that day, tell her and ask if she wants me to send her the transcripts (she said yes). She's destroyed. She can barely speak through the tears. She relays to me that Douche has been bullying her to tears over the topic of an open relationship for months and that she's never been comfortable with it. That he's always complained about their sex life, and that he makes her feel like she's a failure at sex. I apologize for Compulsive and Douche's disgusting existence. We don't know what to say after a certain point, and we end the conversation. We haven't spoken to one another since.

 

I tell EVERYONE. I find out that our marriage was viewed as a strong standard for good marriage. This is a lie.

 

Our marriage is over. It failed. This disgustingly selfish woman and my former best friend has ruined everything. Everyone needs to know so they understand that our relationship is NOT a good standard. Do NOT conduct yourselves as we do.

 

I want 24 hour social awareness on my wife and that POS Douche. I don't know how to discern 'justice' in this scenario. Let society decide, I figure. Maybe I'm off the mark. I know I'm incredibly emotional, and that's all that dominates me for the day.

 

I plummet facefirst into endless void of depression. Now, I've never been depressed before. This is something new. I stop eating. I stop caring. I just want to crawl into a hole and wake up 5 years from now. I sleep for hours sometimes, and experience endless nights of nightmares that deprive me of sleep other times. I've never felt this way before, I don't know what to do, and ultimately, I'm too numb to care. I spend hours on a small couch downstairs in the dark.

[Compulsive Musician]

Aftermath

 

 

Compulsive and I have a series of conversations. She speaks with friends who help her question her logic. She begins to see the error of her ways, in small pieces. The depths of how peculiar her thinking had become. She begins to understand many things she was oblivious to before. We have -many- things we need to talk about. I get every single possible detail out of her I can think of.

 

I make her read the transcript to me. Out loud. Its punishment. Unfair? It didn't matter to me at the time.

 

I hate her. I love her. I'm angry at her, I just want to lick my wounds. I start having suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life.

 

Some good friends talk some sense in to me. Self reflection yields the reality of emotional codependency issues I had allowed myself to develop.

 

I trigger thousands of times a day. Items, expressions, places, people... 15 years of history has become a villainous poison in my mind. It. infects. everything.

 

Enter the summertime. I've been processing everything at full speed for every waking moment (and trust me, there are a LOT of those courtesy of countless nightmares). My pain and self loathing turns into anger. It'shard to control sometimes. One night, I take a sledge to Compulsive's iPhone (after making sure she had another phone to replace it with, first). It helps, actually. I hated that thing.

 

It's July.

 

Douche and I's meeting is coming soon. I text him to set up a time, and he responds with completely unexpected and unmerited snarky response. It sends me off. What f**king right does he have?! I've never hated someone so

completely in my life. I want to smash his head in with my bare hands. I want him to suffer. I want every dark and damaging thought I can muster to manifest in every cell in his body.

 

This brings us to Compulsive's post about 'BS wants to declare war on AP' that was shut down for further comment.

 

Ultimately, I don't meet with Douche. I decided I might actually do something that would derail what handful of things that are going RIGHT in my life. A powerful mantra I repeat to myself is that giving into animalistic behavior, irreverent of societal and personal expectation is what created this whole problem. And I will be a hypocrite at best if I follow the same path. I works. It almost doesn't. Several times.

 

It's been a long journey. We're still together. It doesn't end with all smiles and rainbows, but it ends better than it started off.

 

We've been very honest with each other every step of the way. I still struggle with the desire to rain down retribution on Douche, and I still argue with myself every day if I should stay with Compulsive. So far, I usually come back to yes.

 

It seems like it will likely stay a yes. I welcome any and all questions. I do this because Compulsive has told me that some BSs stick around the boards to provide help and perspective for these boards. The very least that can be done is to take a horribly selfish scenario and turn it into a tool to (hopefully) help others. So here we are. It's a pleasure to finally meet all of you, unfortunate as the context may be.

[todreaminblue]

I think it is incredibly brave for both for you to be on this board at the same time.....i was a betrayed partner i say was because its over for me......i am friends with my ex......phone only

 

 

its going to be hard for you and compulsive .....more than anything.........i would love to read success for both of you ...that you both find peace together ....however hard it gets........this story made me extremely sad actually.....sometimes i just want to hear adn just know there is the happy ending coming up......i know life and love isnt like that...crap........getting upset..i am such a sook..i wish the best for both of you..i truly do....please keep hope alive...hugs to you both....im out..deb

[Zenstudent]

Welcome CM, and thanks for a long detailed story. It's good, and bad of course, that you're here. I always find it more educating and enlightning when both parties are on board. SO I look forward to read your contributions.

 

What you just did isn't easy at all, and I was very touched by the story, I could literally feel your emotions as you described them - maybe because I've been in a pair of shoes similar to yours. Especially the part about questioning the marriage on a daily basis got to me - I do the exact same thing.

 

Personally I'm very glad that CD post on this forum, she appears open and honest about herself - and with your side of the story, it hardly gets any better to learn from.

 

I wish you both the best on your path as individuals and as a couple. Take care.

[harrybrown]

Did your wife ever tell you how sorry she was for what she did?

 

How has she made you feel like you are not her backup plan and she loves you more than her affair partner? Has she ever cheated before and has she gone to counseling to find a way to never cheat again?

 

I hated trying to reconcile and then having her cheat on me again.

[BetrayedH]

It's a remarkable thing isn't it, CM? Like you (and many, many other BSs), I didn't see my wife's infidelity coming. You're on that rollercoaster of emotions. It's a side of life that I never expected. Now I joke that I have a PhD in Infidelity. I'm a year post-divorce and about 2 1/2 years post Dday. I found this site when I suspected my wife's affair and never left. Hmm. They say that acceptance is the last stage of grief and I tend to believe them.

 

Much like Deb, I hope for a positive outcome for you and CD. I've seen a remarkable number of successfully reconciled couples. I spend the majority of my time here trying to help walk a path towards it. It turns out that it's a very narrow one with landmines on both sides. I think the absolute key is havng a truly remorseful wayward spouse. Mine was not. After 8 months of trying to reconcile, I found she was still lying straight to my face. Much like you describe yourself, I was always mild-mannered but I lost it. I spent 15 hours in an orange jumpsuit; I don't recommend it. Please keep your cool and reclaim the mild-mannered man that you once were. I feel that I have returned to the man I was before. It's a powerful feeling to take back control of myself. I never really should have changed who I was because I never really did anything wrong. It's nice to be back to myself. I may be less naive about infidelity than I was before but I will not let what my wife did permanently and fundamentally change who I am. I liked that guy. Do your best to cut yourself a break.

 

As for Douche, I hope you find a way to just cut him out of your life. I totally get your anger. But the best bet for you is to no longer let him influence your life. Make him irrelevant. A life lived well will be your best revenge. Any revenge more than that is just you drinking a poison in hopes that he will die.

 

As for your wife, I'm hesitant to say much. The reality is that I see a truly remorseful wayward wife (and I have a fairly good eye at spotting those that aren't) and I hope (for the sake of both of you) that you can find it in you to reconcile. I suppose I am in some way living vicariously thru others that have the opportunity that evaded me. I have also seen that divorce is not a magic cure-all.

 

But I was also a BS and so I also identify a lot with your angst. I was fortunate to not have to suffer a double-betrayal. That's a lot to stomach. The fact is that you have a right not to decide. You can also decide to cut your losses. Or you can decide to rebuild. Your wife made the decisions before and now it's your turn; you hold the power now. What will you do with it? What part of you will make that decision?

[Steadfast]

Five years post it's easy for me to say punt and leave this relationship. I do realize the emotions early on see that as the least desirable option. Quite a bit of water passed under the bridge before I could ask myself if *this* was the kind of life I wanted. It must be said that unlike you, my wife did nothing more than hint for a recon, but she wanted me 'in her life'. It seems your wife wants that too, even if she sees no problem asking if others find certain phases of the process so annoying. NG. IMO.

 

The whole affair is so twisted and graphic. The actions of all involved suggest severe issues that simply 'getting along' cannot cure. The innocence of your marriage hasn't been destroyed, its been pulverized. Now, the details of it have been made public. Not necessarily a bad thing, but how can you expect anything but a wide range of opinion or advice?

 

Can you two live in trust and unity after this blatant, sexual free for all? There are things you must decide on your own before bringing her needs and desires into the process. Remember that she placed her wants before your feelings, and frankly, continues to do so here on this forum. Her 'compulsiveness' is displayed, IMO, as a non-negotiable factor. No thanks.

 

Does the good outweigh the bad? Can you both grow separately and as a couple? These are questions that must be answered. My advice? Aim high.

[atreides]

I could not stop reading your story, i love the way you presented it and candor. I have also read your wife's version as well. You sir deserve a medal and much more.

 

 

Unfortunately, my wife mentions this to Douche in casual conversation. She swears it was an accident. I believe it was a happy accident.

 

Oh hell no, was that an accident!

 

 

Compulsive is PISSED. She makes me feel like **** for 'being so selfish' and not 'letting her be free'. She feels like she's 'living in a cage, watching the world outside go by'. She makes me feel like I'm an awful, inconsiderate husband.

 

Via the context of it, if that were me, ooooooh man, open door and D papers in hand, see ya.

 

"I don't know why you're freaking out". lol

 

Why is it women get away with that crap, guys always come up with "oh uh that's just my uh.... my uh... coworker, she needs help" but women "stop freaking out!"

 

Compulsive looks straight at me with a 'well this is how it is' edge in her voice and tells me "I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry that this hurts you, but I am NOT sorry I had sex with him".

 

OH F**king to Hell NO! That is dropkick material right there. Holy sh**... wheew..... you must love the living **** out of CD. Me... I don't think my emotions are strong enough for forgiveness in that context no matter how many years together and i have 3 kids. I can turn things off like a switch, call it evil if you will. I still .... I try to put myself in your situation to answer credibly... I think both of you are very brave to come and tell your story and invite us into your home... But you version paints a very different picture for me now after reading all your wife's posts.

 

.... wow... you deserve a medal... and regarding her last post on "Why won't she do things with me she did with OM?", well i was honest with that one, you can read it. I am truly amazed at your power of forgiveness and since it is very clear your love is that strong to endure that... best of luck in a full R.

Edited October 10, 2013 by atreides

[Bryanp]

Reading your story is so very sad. Your wife has humiliated, lied to your face and degraded you and your marriage in the worst possible way and bullied you to justify her horrible actions. You deserve more than to have settle for this. I wish you luck.

[troubadour]

Compulsive looks straight at me with a 'well this is how it is' edge in her voice and tells me "I'm sorry I lied to you, I'm sorry that this hurts you, but I am NOT sorry I had sex with him".

.

 

 

This is pure malice.... words fail me!

[road]

I had a long post but it got lost.

 

You should of never had the open marriage, threesome talk.

 

You had several opportunities to end things before they started.

 

You had the chance to defriend the OM before the affair started.

 

You failed to mate protect your wife

 

You made it easy for her to become a WW.

 

Women do not need help to become a WW.

 

What your WW did whether you where weak does not matter because she chose to do so.

 

She chose to cheat of her own accord. You just made it easier then many BH.

 

So what is your point?

 

Why are you here?

 

Do you plan on recovering your marriage?

[road]

What kind of person tries to bully their spouse into an open marriage?

 

As lots of WW's before her she wanted to hide her affair by having an open marriage.

[road]

This is pure malice.... words fail me!

 

 

This is not showing a lack of feelings for the BH here. All WW's do this they always hide their affairs. Many hide their affairs in the open as this one tried to do.

 

Her affair is no worse then all the other affairs here.

 

This BH planted the seed for an affair to happen. He reaped what he sowed. There were countless opportunities for him to of prevented this affair from starting.

 

He failed at every chance.

[BetrayedH]

This is not showing a lack of feelings for the BH here. All WW's do this they always hide their affairs. Many hide their affairs in the open as this one tried to do.

 

Her affair is no worse then all the other affairs here.

 

This BH planted the seed for an affair to happen. He reaped what he sowed. There were countless opportunities for him to of prevented this affair from starting.

 

He failed at every chance.

 

She's not a three year old. She's an adult. She can own her choices to lie. He chose to have an open conversation about a subject most people just avoid (which doesn't work either, I might add). He gave her a "no" answer that she didn't accept. That was her choice and for what it's worth, it seems to be one she is owning.

[katielee]

CD, I say this with all seriousness and no, this is not knee-jerk. You need to divorce her.

 

agreed..

 

and it's not up to you to protect the marriage. It's up to each person to guard their OWN heart...

[BetrayedH]

CD, I say this with all seriousness and no, this is not knee-jerk. You need to divorce her.

 

She needs to divorce "him," perhaps? Or did you mean that he needs to divorce her?

[LBlanc]

This is not showing a lack of feelings for the BH here. All WW's do this they always hide their affairs. Many hide their affairs in the open as this one tried to do.

 

Her affair is no worse then all the other affairs here.

 

This BH planted the seed for an affair to happen. He reaped what he sowed. There were countless opportunities for him to of prevented this affair from starting.

He failed at every chance.

 

TBH, i didn't get that from his post. CM seems to have made quite clear to CD and the Douche that the open marriage thing was purely hypothetical. See below...

 

....

 

Our affair begins (I would say) with years of on and off conversation regarding open relationships. Now, I want to stress that we talked about them intellectually. The same way we discuss "What if we were vegan" or "What if we'd attended the same college", "What if we moved to another country". I figure there's a chance that over a lifetime that we may want to experience sex with other people. Maybe. Years down the road. But nothing more. I didn't believe there was any ambiguity to this.

 

...

 

Enter last year.

 

My wife and I have another set of discussions about what hypothetical partners we would choose. I didn't really have anyone in mind. She did. She mentions my best friend of 15 years (we'll call him Douche). At the time (because it was hypothetical and I didn't really think it needed a thorough examination), I thought "he'd be perfect. No STDs, trustworthy and honorable guy, long history with him, and he's easy to work with as a person".

 

Unfortunately, my wife mentions this to Douche in casual conversation. She swears it was an accident. I believe it was a happy accident.

 

I hate this. I'm very uncomfortable and disappointed that our private conversation is going to add social stress where it is utterly unnecessary.

 

Worse yet, Douche tells my wife he'd love to sleep with her (shock), and she basically tells him "That's great! We can start as soon as we can convince my husband to agree to it!" This is paraphrased. But this is what Douche took away from the conversation.

 

Now I have to do damage control before it gets out of hand. I meet with Douche privately and discuss WITH NO UNCERTAINTY that what Steph and I discuss is a private conversation. That we've discussed it intellectually. That if anything were to EVER happen, it would be years down the road. He's determined to try and sway me. I am confident and comfortable in my approach. He regales me with stories about how sex starved his relationship is (independently verified multiple times to not be true, I found out later). I even tell him at one point:

 

"I know this will not bring you joy, nor will it quell the flutterings/excitment of what was anticipated to be a new dynamic to your lives. It is, unfortunately for you, also not a negotiation. This still is, and shall remain, a private conversation between two married people. Nothing more than a thought experiment, mis-interpreted and supercharged with hormones."

 

Totally ambiguous, right?

 

....

 

It seemed to me that CD would have had her A regardless of the prior discussion on the open M...

 

 

....

 

My wife and I have another set of discussions about what hypothetical partners we would choose. I didn't really have anyone in mind. She did. She mentions my best friend of 15 years (we'll call him Douche)....

 

Unfortunately, my wife mentions this to Douche in casual conversation. She swears it was an accident. I believe it was a happy accident.

 

...

Compulsive is PISSED. She makes me feel like **** for 'being so selfish' and not 'letting her be free'. She feels like she's 'living in a cage, watching the world outside go by'. She makes me feel like I'm an awful, inconsiderate husband.

 

....

Edited October 10, 2013 by LBlanc
clarity

[aliveagain]

I understand your anger and there is no easy way through this. It's hard to hear things about the woman you love that are not only degrading to her but by her actions doing them, degrading and humiliating to you. Your former friend is just another person that came into your life and passed through it, he has no obligation to you, he is forever now part of your past. Your wife on the other hand does, this is what hurts the most. What you are going through is going to take a lot of help, professional help, don't try and do it on your own. It is hard to explain your hurt to your wayward spouse until they feel the pain for themselves, they just want to survive it so everything is back to normal. It just doesn't work that way, the infidelity and deceit required to pull it off for as long as they did changed your relationship, it will never, ever be the same.

 

Time to become selfish, think about what is best for you. You are no longer her protector and confidant, she replaced you with O/M for that position. She's grown up and is more than capable of making decisions for herself. It will take you years to recover from infidelity, are you prepared to do it with her or do you want a future that only includes you? These are decisions you need to make without others influencing you. If you have no children your decision may be easier. If you have decided on reconciliation that set the ground rules before you start the process so there is no misunderstanding. The goal is a relationship of trust, you need to feel safe and loved and if you can't you need to be strong enough to do what is best for you. Infidelity is so unfair, if you can't accept the imbalance the affair has caused your marriage you will never reconcile.

[tinktronik]

Well according to CD, they had discussed an open marriage before. Perhaps it was hypothetical to CM, but not CD.

 

Either way, you don't open the door for one spouse to think they have a green light. If a significant other of mine brought up, even hypothetically, the idea of a 3some, I'd tell her to leave and don't come back.

 

I happen to think it's fairly normal to have hypothetical scenarios come up in conversations between spouses. It sounds from what CM has to say that it was made abundantly clear that 3-some was off the table, and as his wife was already screwing around she pushed and pushed it to try to justify her past and present actions, a smoke screen for her not really feeling guilty, a justification. Really CM after reading your post and then going through CD's posts on here I would say that unless you really want everything to be all about her, her wants, her needs, her impulsiveness with you under her shoe you need to divorce her and move on. There is just too much attention seeking and justifying for herself and completely obliviousness of you as a person with needs and feelings. There's not enough responsibility on her part. You are a valid person CM. You are justified to feel the way you do. You shouldn't have to pry things from her. You deserve better.

[LBlanc]

Well according to CD, they had discussed an open marriage before. Perhaps it was hypothetical to CM, but not CD.

 

Either way, you don't open the door for one spouse to think they have a green light. If a significant other of mine brought up, even hypothetically, the idea of a 3some, I'd tell her to leave and don't come back.

 

one of perennial advice given to have a healthy marriage is open and honest communication. I assumed this covers all hypothetical situations. My only point is that i don't think CM was in anyway wrong or at fault for discussing the open M...besides he did made it clear that that was not happening anytime in the near future. If CD was in some way mature, she should have respected that

[harrybrown]

Has your wife ever changed her mind about having sex with the OM, that she was now not glad she had sex with OM?

 

Did you ask her how she would feel if you had said that to her with the OW right there?

 

I thought it was important for private conservations between H & W to remain private and never shared with anyone, least of all the OM!

[Compulsive Musician]

Such diversity among the posts! Very cool.

 

 

harrybrown

 

My wife tells me daily that she was in an incredibly healthy spot. She is perpetually seeking ways to make it up to me. She comes to loveshack to vent (I've read every one of her posts in the last 24 hours), and I get a kick out of seeing her handle the responses.

 

She is seeking counseling. The affair has served as a strong wake-up call, and she's in a place where she openly accepts that she has things she -must- change in herself, if she's going to be in a relationship with -anyone-

 

 

BetrayedH

 

I have limited fortunate in that there has been absolutely no trickle-truth. There's been no dodging anything, and there's been no hesitation on anything.

 

Compulsive has been effortless to work with, in this regard, since mid February.

 

Douche is cut from my life. 15 years of friendship is a very intertwining thing (as anyone who has experienced a BF death will attest to how many reminders daily life can give you).

 

Honestly, the thing that kept me from doing less than socially acceptable thing is my position as a role model for a number of young individuals. Once I started to think how THEY would react, how they would perceive a life is to be lived... it took a tremendous amount of anger out of my sail.

 

If I want society to be better, I have to hold it to a certain standard, and LIVE by it. Period. I try to stay committed to that daily.

 

 

Steadfast

 

I don't know. I wish I knew the future. I can only play the odds, and gauge what life might be on either side of the coin.

 

You know, the bitch of it is, that through this very intense year of R, my wife has undeniably shifted many of her default mannerisms.. in a lot of ways, I literally have the wife I've always wanted now. It's an extra mix of 'dammit' that I simply cannot just enjoy it.

 

 

atreides

 

lol, yea Compulsive was speaking from a very f**ked up place. After the first round of talking to people later that day, she was incredibly sorry she could have ever said that.

 

 

Ah road.

 

You've had a rough go of it. I do not accept, nor do I feel as though I should accept responsibility for my wife's actions.

 

I did not 'make' her have the divorce. A handful of posted agree that by ever discussing the topic, that it is an unavoidable path to reality.

 

Much like robbing a bank in GTA will plant the idea in my mind, and then I'll go do it in real life, right?

 

I disagree in a fundamental way. CD and I talk. About everything. Everywhere. Ever. It's been one of the beautiful things about her over the years. The problem here came when she STOPPED honestly talking to me. I just never quit. And I still haven't. And I don't see the forecast changing.

 

I'm on here because there is nothing 'fated' about any of this. We are two adults who have no obligations outside of personal choice to explore life together. I'm here to receive anonymous council and provide perspective and context for the poor bastards who feel lost in the dark. The same reason, I would bet, ANY (most?) of you other BSs stay on here.

 

And, to a degree, I feel like I should put in some time on here. LS has been a -very- good thing for my wife. She's learned some tools and insights that simply were not in social and emotional lexicon because of many of you. Many of you have planted very positive seeds for growth in her, and for that, I thank you.

 

I also disagree that I failed at every chance. My mistake was loving and trusting people with blind faith. A mistake, I see now (and one I won't repeat). But of all reasons to f**k up, this is far from a bad one. I regret nothing in this regard.

 

 

 

 

We can all divorce each other. At once. Make the legal system some more money (I hear it could use it right now. lol)

 

 

aliveagain

 

The affair has forced me to re-evaluate every aspect of my existence. Things I thought I had figured out, views on what human beings can achieve together, who I was, what I wanted out of life. I -have- become selfish. But it would be irresponsible at best to pull 'my wife screwed up' as the only lessons to be learned. As we've talked this year, we've discovered a number of issues that we both need to work on.

 

A marriage is a partnership that hinges on trust, I agree. I do feel safe and loved. In a lot of ways, I do for the first time in my life.

 

 

Harrybrown

 

Absolutely. She continues to apologize daily, through action and word.

 

My thoughts (as much as a blur as they were at the time) went like this:

 

Grill OM individually, wife gets home, grill her.

I needed her to have such a strong reference of what a POS this guy was even on the 'caught red handed' end. She needed to see what she traded her entire life for. And the response (overlaps and discrepancies alike) provided immense depth into both of them. I'm very very glad I did this.

[Compulsive Musician]

I do not know if our marriage will last. Honestly, worrying about it is a moot point. I have chosen to keep Compulsive in my life. The mechanics of how and why are more important (to me) than the forecast they give.

 

We revisited our marriage to square one. We married early and now, with an older perspective, we can more accurately gauge what we want out of life. What we want out of a marriage and what we want out of ourselves. I wish we'd thought of doing this pre-affair.

 

I love Compulsive. I also believe love is a choice. I choose to love Compulsive.

 

I am a fairly cynical person by default, I have been waiting perpetually for my wife to f**k up, lie to me, feel sorry for herself, make excuses, etc.

 

I expect it.

 

And yet, I have not received it in any regard since early February.

 

There is no dispute she did not have realistic/healthy views on many things. Not the least of which, an intense level of self-absorption.

 

These things do no change overnight (much as I'd like them to). The most I can ask for (in any practical terms) is for her to take all this as a lesson. She made choices, and the fallout was well above and beyond anything she remotely imagined. Her own emotional and social ineptitude has been displayed to her, en masse.

 

The important thing to address are not thoughts that ultimately lead to "I wish this hadn't happened". Instead it is "where do you go from here?"

 

She has -years- of personal work ahead of her. As long as she stays on that path, I will continue to choose to stay with her. I need a commitment to the future, not the past.

[aliveagain]

CM, no one wins in infidelity. Even if CD had your blessing to bang O/M to her hearts content, you by doing so helped them in their betrayal of O/M's wife, she is an innocent victim. By knowing about their affair and withholding the information from his betrayed spouse, you become their accomplice by association. So even if you would have been ok with your wife becoming his mistress, there would still have been a victim. The man was not a true friend, they conspired together to manipulate you until they got what they both wanted. You are doing the right thing by focusing on you and your happiness. Please, do not bring children into your world at this time, things are complicated enough.