When the WS is also your abuser...

[threelaurels]

How are you supposed to cope?

 

I come here looking for insight and support, but all I find is roundabout victim blaming and people who harp on and on about the things the BS did to contribute to the destruction of the marriage. I feel minimized and, on bad days, victimized all over again by the thing's people say on here sometimes. I force myself to read these things anyway because I know these are the types of things people say about victims all the time. I have to desensitize myself to them somehow.

 

I wonder if these generalizations hurt so much because, deep down, I feel like there are things I did to contribute to my victimization. I set up the circumstances that led to it. I knew it would happen, and I still didn't leave. I didn't tell anyone. I could have stopped it. I'm a complete ****ing idiot

 

My therapist thinks I fixate on the infidelity in my relationship because it's easier to deal with than the sexual assault, but it's not. I just feel like it's the salt in the wound that I let him hit me, **** me, and do whatever he wanted to me and he still cheated on me anyway. I am a profoundly ****ed up person.

 

I really can't stop crying long enough to write much more. None of this probably makes any sense. I just want to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this. I loved him so much, and I just wanted him to love me too.

 

I wonder how many OW are convinced the BW is a monster when her, in reality, husband goes home and hits her every night. Probably more than people think because cheating is a form of abuse.

 

Why can't people understand that?

[katielee]

 

cheating is a form of abuse.

 

Why can't people understand that?

 

SO. VERY. TRUE. it's emotional abuse... manipulating and controlling a person is abusing them.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sometimes its just acknowledgement. Its someone else saying that you are not crazy, that it did happen, just as you said it did.

 

Its more difficult to trust ourselves when the abuse happens behind closed doors, and our abuser blames us when it happens, after it happens and like you have posted...often tells us its coming.

 

I have read that victims of abuse are volunteers after the first time. I have a hard time with that. I was a victim of abuse. EACH.TIME.

 

What I did learn, was that I was not an advocate for ME. I didn't have my own back. I had poor coping skills at that time, due to FOO. I never learned to self advocate. That is what I took away from that experience. Not that "everything happens for a reason", or "karma" or any other such bull. Only, that I had to get serious with learning how to be whole. I changed the course I was on. I did not want to be a statistic. I wish that everyone learned that through a loving family childhood.

 

Those that "harp" often have the same attitudes, demeanor that remind me of my tormentors oh so clearly. I try to keep that in mind. It makes it easier to dismiss them.

[drifter777]

Are you sure you are not confusing this forum with some other one? Since I've been here I find LS to be heavily tilted toward support and sound feedback to a BS. I think we are tough on the WS, but I think that's appropriate since they usually don't appreciate the extent of the damage their cheating has done. Anyway, as a BS you will always find a lot of support here.

[Furious]

How are you supposed to cope?

 

I come here looking for insight and support, but all I find is roundabout victim blaming and people who harp on and on about the things the BS did to contribute to the destruction of the marriage. I feel minimized and, on bad days, victimized all over again by the thing's people say on here sometimes. I force myself to read these things anyway because I know these are the types of things people say about victims all the time. I have to desensitize myself to them somehow.

 

I wonder if these generalizations hurt so much because, deep down, I feel like there are things I did to contribute to my victimization. I set up the circumstances that led to it. I knew it would happen, and I still didn't leave. I didn't tell anyone. I could have stopped it. I'm a complete ****ing idiot

 

My therapist thinks I fixate on the infidelity in my relationship because it's easier to deal with than the sexual assault, but it's not. I just feel like it's the salt in the wound that I let him hit me, **** me, and do whatever he wanted to me and he still cheated on me anyway. I am a profoundly ****ed up person.

 

I really can't stop crying long enough to write much more. None of this probably makes any sense. I just want to know that I'm not the only one who has gone through this. I loved him so much, and I just wanted him to love me too.

 

I wonder how many OW are convinced the BW is a monster when her, in reality, husband goes home and hits her every night. Probably more than people think because cheating is a form of abuse.

 

Why can't people understand that?

 

 

It's sounds like your ex was a sick person who gradually minimized you and little by little you lost your way. These abusers are attracted to kind and loving people.

 

I'm so sorry for what you went through. You did not sign up for abuse and are in no way are responsible for it.

 

I admire you, and think you're one of smartest and most eloquent people here.

[yellowmaverick]

Why can't people understand that?

 

I am so sorry for your pain, Laurels.

 

Some people can't "get it" because they do not have a moral compass. Their sense of right and wrong is so skewed that they can't see beyond their own wants. These people will NEVER get it - they are just missing that "sensitivity chip". I get the sense that you want to see the good in folks, you WANT to believe that "deep down", they have great character. The fact is, some people just don't, and all of the wishful thinking in the world is not going to change that. This was the single most difficult factor for me to come to terms with in regards to my WH.

 

Focus on YOU, laurels. You don't deserve an abusive partner. You can't change him. For YOUR sake, get yourself out of this abusive relationship.

 

(((laurels)))

[rumbleseat]

I always find the double standard sad. When a mp doesn't leave for his ap, he is scum, the lowest of the low, etc., yet if he cheats his wife (or it's a wife cheating on her husband) there are plenty of reason given to tacitly explain why. The affair apologists come out in droves.

 

Many consider cheating to be a form of abuse, and I can't think of any other situation she someone would feel the the person being abused somehow deserved it.

[ladydesigner]

I wonder if these generalizations hurt so much because, deep down, I feel like there are things I did to contribute to my victimization. I set up the circumstances that led to it. I knew it would happen, and I still didn't leave. I didn't tell anyone. I could have stopped it. I'm a complete ****ing idiot

 

My therapist thinks I fixate on the infidelity in my relationship because it's easier to deal with than the sexual assault, but it's not. I just feel like it's the salt in the wound that I let him hit me, **** me, and do whatever he wanted to me and he still cheated on me anyway. I am a profoundly ****ed up person.

 

 

I understand you, in fact I started a thread similar to this the other day, but I feel what I was reaching for was what you tried to say here. I often trigger for the same reasons (and it is usually from the 'other' side) that I feel like I was victimized not only by my WH but by the MOW too. It doesn't help that I have been victimized my whole life (molested at 6, gang raped at 16, beat up and raped by an ex boyfriend). So I completely identify with your post.

 

In therapy today I discussed my last hurdle, why do I feel like a weak person for staying with someone who had more than one A and that treated me with such disregard? She knows where we are and we are in a really good spot right now in R and our healing so I couldn't figure out why it was bothering me so much. She told me why not look at it as courageous. I had never thought of it that way.

[jlola]

I always find the double standard sad. When a mp doesn't leave for his ap, he is scum, the lowest of the low, etc., yet if he cheats his wife (or it's a wife cheating on her husband) there are plenty of reason given to tacitly explain why. The affair apologists come out in droves.

 

Many consider cheating to be a form of abuse, and I can't think of any other situation she someone would feel the the person being abused somehow deserved it.

 

I used to be asahmed to tell anyone about the physical abuse my father put us through. WHY? Because many people would act like WE must have done something horribly wrong to get the "beating". I mean it must be something real bad right? You are lying that you did not do anything really bad. To him bad meant spilling milk,accusing you of loking at him the wrong way, not having a perfectly clean room, greeting his friends in an inappropriate way(got sort of confusing who we were to kiss on the cheek or who we were to shake hands with, getting hurt. Ridiculous reasons.

 

What I realize is what people focus on grows. If they focus on negative, they get very resentful,which is what my father was. Meanwhile, my mother focused on positives we had and we were all happy with her. Same situation One focusing on negative since all had to be perfect(taker). Another focusing on positives since she realized we are humans and make errors(giver).

 

Then of course the victimizer has to exaggerate everything you did to make it legit for his behavior. Also, he has to minimize his behavior so everyone sees him as the "victim". Poor you, such horrible ungrateful children. After all the love,affection and attention you give, this is what you get! Messes with your mind!!!

 

I brought up in another post that when Jesse james Cheated on Sandra Bullock , he tried to use the low self esteem and I felt neglected excuse.

 

So Kat Von D (new girlfriend)set out like most OW, to prove Sandra Bullock MUST have done something wrong to make him cheat,because people do not just cheat. So she went on to be the perfect girlfriend. She gave him validation,Lots and lots of sex, gave him plenty of attention, defended him and then .........BOOM! He cheated on her with 11 women. She finally understood ,blaming the victim and not looking into the character of the cheater was one huge lesson!

[janedoe67]

People who glibly say "after the first time you're a volunteer" have obviously never been in an abusive cycle.

 

Then again, I haven't either, but I have enough brain cells and compassion to know that not only is that a crappy thing to say to someone, it usually isn't as simple as that.

 

When I was in school we actually had a class in manners/tact/graciousness/etc. I think a lot of people on the internet missed that class.

[rumbleseat]

I always find the double standard sad. When a mp doesn't leave for his ap, he is scum, the lowest of the low, etc., yet if he cheats his wife (or it's a wife cheating on her husband) there are plenty of reason given to tacitly explain why. The affair apologists come out in droves.

 

Many consider cheating to be a form of abuse, and I can't think of any other situation she someone would feel the the person being abused somehow deserved it.

 

I meant to say "where" not "she"

[threelaurels]

Thanks for the responses. I was having a bad day, and I just really needed to let it all out. It has been over two years since I left him, but sometimes there are moment when it hits me and the pain feels fresh again.

 

Those that "harp" often have the same attitudes, demeanor that remind me of my tormentors oh so clearly. I try to keep that in mind. It makes it easier to dismiss them.

 

I agree. The things people post online don't normally phase me, but every once in a while it gets under my skin. I just need to remember that I am here looking for support and also to support others, and the people here who go out of their way to provoke others are probably very miserable in their own lives.

 

Being spiteful and constantly consumed with such hatred are coping mechanisms, albeit very poor ones. Their opinions are not the majority, and my guess is that they are here to, in their own way, make themselves feel better about themselves and their lives. It's really not surprising that their negative energy has driven their real life support system far, far away.

 

Are you sure you are not confusing this forum with some other one? Since I've been here I find LS to be heavily tilted toward support and sound feedback to a BS.

 

Unfortunately, no. While most of the negative energy tends to stay concentrated on the OW/OM forum, it sometimes spills over here too.

 

And my two cents is that I think the abuser almost always is the cheater. Because they have no respect for their spouse an because usually the abused is to scared and beaten down to ever consider embarking on an A. Heck, they are too scared to even leave.

 

I actually cheated as a way to leave the abusive relationship, which, in some ways, makes me no better than him. I don't think my situation was the norm in many ways, however. While I understand that people define emotional abuse and neglect in many ways, the justifications of the WS and often the AP always seem to come back to things most reasonable people would not classify as abuse when the context in which the actions were done is considered.

 

I admire you, and think you're one of smartest and most eloquent people here.

 

Thank you! It means a lot

 

Some people can't "get it" because they do not have a moral compass. Their sense of right and wrong is so skewed that they can't see beyond their own wants. These people will NEVER get it - they are just missing that "sensitivity chip". I get the sense that you want to see the good in folks, you WANT to believe that "deep down", they have great character. The fact is, some people just don't, and all of the wishful thinking in the world is not going to change that. This was the single most difficult factor for me to come to terms with in regards to my WH.

 

Focus on YOU, laurels. You don't deserve an abusive partner. You can't change him. For YOUR sake, get yourself out of this abusive relationship.

 

I have been out of the relationship for over 2 years now, but, unfortunately, these kinds of things have effects that tend to last a very long time. I want to believe that everyone is inherently good and that we are all capable of understanding and empathy, but I have learned that this is not the case. The best thing I can do for myself is to cut these types of people out of my life and keep trying to be the type of person I want others to be

[waterwoman]

So sorry laurel xx

 

Cheating is abuse. The kind of abuse that hits you in your most tender place - your trust and self-esteem. I am sorry you also suffered such awful physical abuse as well.

[threelaurels]

Your case isn't typical.

 

If you go to the OW/OM board, most of them are not getting it on with physically abusive men, just cake eaters.

 

Cheating is abuse, it's just that the cheaters don't realize the full destruction they are bringing about. They are thinking for themselves.. something the BS takes longer to do when in a state of shock.

 

Hope you're doing better.

 

I would never have imagined that he was abusive. He was above average in terms of looks but otherwise was very ordinary in most respects, albeit being a bit of a "bad boy" in some respects. He came from a good family. I had broken up with a boyfriend a few months ago who also cheated on me, and I was all giggles and smiles when he flirted with me and gave me attention.

 

He was great to me at first, and it wasn't like he just hit me one day out of the blue. It was a slow and cruel downward spiral. He introduced me to drugs, and I became hooked on the feeling of having all my problems just magically fade away. At first, drugs were a way to put life on hold, but they eventually became my outlet for dealing with what he put me through. Leaving him would have been leaving the drugs, so I stayed while it just got worse and worse.

 

How are OW going to know if their MM is abusive to the BS, either physically or emotionally? The OW in my situation did not know. She couldn't have known. Not even my family or many of my friends knew. Just like affairs are secrets, abuse victims often go out of their way to hide the abuse and keep others from knowing.

 

When I discovered the cheating, he was already beginning to the same thing to the OW. He had already convinced her to try drugs like he did with me. He had already lied to her (mostly about our relationship), and he had already begun to mold himself into the ideal man in her eyes.

 

Cheaters and cake eaters are just like him in many ways. They tell little lies and paves the way for even bigger ones. Small forms manipulation are stepping stones for bigger ones. By the time MM start to show their true colors, the OW is already so hooked that she can't bring herself to leave.

 

People who cannot tell right from wrong are not the problem. It's people who know something is wrong and do it anyway because it benefits themselves who are the problem. It is a very human tendency but also very destructive.

[PoopHappens]

How are you supposed to cope?

 

Probably more than people think because cheating is a form of abuse.

 

Why can't people understand that?

 

My wife said things to me after her affair started that I never thought possible. I knew her well with nearly 30 years together under all sorts of circumstances, yet there it was abuse pure and simple.