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Just found out my husband has one night stand


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I've been doing a lot of soul-searching since I found out and strangely I've turned to internet forums to see what other people have felt or did when this happened to them.

 

I have been with my husband for 9 years. We got married over a year ago. However recently I found out he had a one night stand with a stranger on a lads weekend away. This was a little over 2 years ago. I have always had my suspicions about that weekend away and finally got him to admit the truth (albeit with alcohol involved). He admitted they had oral sex and he slept the night with her on a communal camping site but denies having full sex (which I find really hard to believe. Of course he is going to say that?). I am just devastated and don't know what to do. He has been unfaithful 3 times before (kissing) over the years but we managed to move on from it. About 5 years ago (the night before we emmigrated together to live in Australia for a while), he cheated and kissed another woman. We argued, I cried etc. but warned him he was on his last chance. Now I find myself here. I feel like I can never ever trust him. He swears that it will never happen again now that we are married, but how can I ever believe that? I would always be suspicious, paranoid, worried that it would happen again and could never trust him out on his own on nights out etc. I have told him I am considering just cutting my losses and leaving the marriage and he becomes very upset. He says it was a massive mistake and that he wants to be with me forever. How can I ever move forward though? Sorry for all the questions....I guess I'm just "writing aloud" here. Have you ever been in this situation? What was your outcome/experience?

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Once my ex kissed another man. 7 years later she got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. She miscarried a week later, we ended up divorcing. Now we coparent our 11 year old daughter.

 

That's my experience. My take is if you have no kids, run. He doesn't sound very truthful or loyal when things get rough.

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ClemsonTigers
I've been doing a lot of soul-searching since I found out and strangely I've turned to internet forums to see what other people have felt or did when this happened to them.

 

I have been with my husband for 9 years. We got married over a year ago. However recently I found out he had a one night stand with a stranger on a lads weekend away. This was a little over 2 years ago. I have always had my suspicions about that weekend away and finally got him to admit the truth (albeit with alcohol involved). He admitted they had oral sex and he slept the night with her on a communal camping site but denies having full sex (which I find really hard to believe. Of course he is going to say that?). I am just devastated and don't know what to do. He has been unfaithful 3 times before (kissing) over the years but we managed to move on from it. About 5 years ago (the night before we emmigrated together to live in Australia for a while), he cheated and kissed another woman. We argued, I cried etc. but warned him he was on his last chance. Now I find myself here. I feel like I can never ever trust him. He swears that it will never happen again now that we are married, but how can I ever believe that? I would always be suspicious, paranoid, worried that it would happen again and could never trust him out on his own on nights out etc. I have told him I am considering just cutting my losses and leaving the marriage and he becomes very upset. He says it was a massive mistake and that he wants to be with me forever. How can I ever move forward though? Sorry for all the questions....I guess I'm just "writing aloud" here. Have you ever been in this situation? What was your outcome/experience?

 

 

If you choose to stay married to this man, the solution is NOT to trust him. He's proven himself completely untrustworthy. His "Lads Weekend" was a terrible idea and being away from you overnight and/or in the company of any other women at any time is simple unacceptable. You should likely find a way to make a living working together. You drive to and from work together. All of your free time is together. His "lads" aren't friends of your marriage so they need to go to. I've had some couples in these situations where I have approved the husband having the "lads" over to play poker in YOUR house but his right to outside friends that keep secrets from you are over. You should never be asked again to trust him out of your sight.

 

That's just the beginning...once he agrees, you can possibly rebuild from there.

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ClemsonTigers
Once my ex kissed another man. 7 years later she got pregnant and didn't know who the father was. She miscarried a week later, we ended up divorcing. Now we coparent our 11 year old daughter.

 

That's my experience. My take is if you have no kids, run. He doesn't sound very truthful or loyal when things get rough.

 

 

Very good point...I just put this timeline together. You've only been married a year...but the "cheating" event took place a year or so before that. So you weren't married at that point in time but you are now. It's not adultery we are talking about here but a huge lie. Were these "lads" at your wedding?

 

I'd have you seek marriage counseling and hope you found a good counselor that can cut through your husband's crap and get to the bottom of things. There's no way I can tell you on line whether your husband is sincere or not.

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Sorry to hear about your situation ChooseTruth. Thing is we did have a baby girl 9 months ago but unfortunately she passed away. That has created something betwen us that can never be forgotton. This is also why I'm so torn about this decision.

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Thanks ClemsonTigers for reading my post. I do worry about living a life like that though. I didn't sign up for a married life of constant paranoia etc. I'm not the kind of person who could do that...I think. I have always given him freedom to do his own thing, which is reciprocated to me also. Is the fact that trust is gone, means there is now a fatal "fault line" in the whole marriage?

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They are his team mates from his rugby club. It was a rugby club tournament held over a weekend. He tells that not all of them know, but I know they must. I feel so embarrassed. He told me in the morning, one of them woke him up to tell him to get up and out of the tent (I don't know that guy).

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Has he shown any remorse? What is he doing to help you heal?

 

Has he given you his passwords? Has he given you the details about the affair(one night stand) ? Has he stopped all contact with this other person?

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Yes he has shown remorse. He has cried etc. and insists it will never happen again now that we are married, but this all just means nothing to me now. He also accepted a Facebook friend request from her after the event. He did give me the gory details at my insistence, but I still feel he is holding the full story from me. He spent the night with her, kissing, oral sex.... I feel that surely if this level of intimacy happened, then why not go the full way with her. Gosh, I never imaginged being here.

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Thanks ClemsonTigers for reading my post. I do worry about living a life like that though. I didn't sign up for a married life of constant paranoia etc. I'm not the kind of person who could do that...I think. I have always given him freedom to do his own thing, which is reciprocated to me also. Is the fact that trust is gone, means there is now a fatal "fault line" in the whole marriage?

 

It's very hard to make a marriage work without trust. I tried. I wish I had had better warning before we had our daughter. Not that I would take my daughter back, I just wish she had a mother that I could stay with and trust.

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He has not been in touch with her since....or so he claims. I have seen his Facebook account messages and there is nothing there to suggest otherwise. Although, the delete button is a very readily-available tool.

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It's very hard to make a marriage work without trust. I tried. I wish I had had better warning before we had our daughter. Not that I would take my daughter back, I just wish she had a mother that I could stay with and trust.

 

Trust.....it is the core solid foundation of any relationship. You can have companionship, friendship, be soulmates, similar senses of humour etc. but without that vital element of trust, surely all the rest is irrelevant?

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GorillaTheater
Sorry to hear about your situation ChooseTruth. Thing is we did have a baby girl 9 months ago but unfortunately she passed away. That has created something betwen us that can never be forgotton. This is also why I'm so torn about this decision.

 

I'm very sorry, Jojo. It must be very overwhelming to have this other business coming at you, too.

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I'm very sorry, Jojo. It must be very overwhelming to have this other business coming at you, too.

 

I'm truly sorry for her situation too. Her OP asked for other people's experiences/outcomes so there's mine.

 

Trust.....it is the core solid foundation of any relationship. You can have companionship, friendship, be soulmates, similar senses of humour etc. but without that vital element of trust, surely all the rest is irrelevant?

Yes, unfortunately most of it does become irrelevant. The more compatible otherwise, probably the more painful. I was just thinking this morning how compatible we were, except for the integrity part...and sadly it ended up being a deal breaker in the long run.

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So he kissed some gals many years ago while you were dating? or living together?

 

And about a year before you got married (you were enagaged maybe or living together??) he had a ONS that you just found out about?

 

Thats tough. He seems to have shown some sort of patern here and this is most concerning. He has self control issues.

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I'm truly sorry for her situation too. Her OP asked for other people's experiences/outcomes so there's mine.

 

 

Yes, unfortunately most of it does become irrelevant. The more compatible otherwise, probably the more painful. I was just thinking this morning how compatible we were, except for the integrity part...and sadly it ended up being a deal breaker in the long run.

 

The only thing he can keep saying is that until this was disclosed, we were best friends, soulmates etc. and that he still feels the same way about me. I don't feel like that anymore for him. He classifies it as once-off event and has "boxed" it away accordingly. However, for me it's not the same....for me it has rocked the foundations of the entire relationship. *Sigh*

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ClemsonTigers
It's very hard to make a marriage work without trust. I tried. I wish I had had better warning before we had our daughter. Not that I would take my daughter back, I just wish she had a mother that I could stay with and trust.

 

 

How old are you guys? You had a nine year relationship prior to marriage. It's quite likely he cheated the entire time. Certainly it's possible he's ready and willing to stop not that he's officially married but does he have the ability to stop. That's where "not trusting" or more or less, rebuilding trust from the ground up needs to occur.

 

Again...he hasn't cheated since you married...so you should try to find a lifestyle that will allow that to continue. First step is him coming clean about everything. Where there's one cheat...there's always more. Don't actually get a polygraph but act like you've got one scheduled for next week on ______ and that he better fess up to everything or he'll fail the test and you'll be done. I've read it's a great way to get to the truth and rebuilding trust needs to start at the foundation of truth.

 

In 5-10 years of living an open and interconnected lifestyle where he just doesn't spend the night apart from you EVER, perhaps, you'd have rebuilt trust enough that you feel a little more comfortable. Until then...YOU are his accountability partner helping him overcome a weakness he has revealed to you.

 

It might be tough to see this today...but this may be an opportunity to fix things in your new marriage BEFORE anything more drastic happens.

 

I also think he should quit rugby. He's a married man now and running around with single guys, sleeping in tents, in mixed company, without his wife is not how a husband should be behaving. You don't have to be his baby sitter. Actually, if he is resistant at all I think you should divorce him and never look back. He should want your help to save him from doing things he claims he doesn't ever want to do again because it would hurt you. If he truly doesn't want to hurt you again..he needs to commit to living an interconnected life with you and allow you full access to his life. This is reciprocal...he is your accountability partner too. Your comment that you wanted the freedom to be with your friends too signals to me that maybe neither of you are ready to be married. Marriage is about making a life together versus sharing two very separate yet parallel individual lives. YMMV

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So he kissed some gals many years ago while you were dating? or living together?

 

And about a year before you got married (you were enagaged maybe or living together??) he had a ONS that you just found out about?

 

Thats tough. He seems to have shown some sort of patern here and this is most concerning. He has self control issues.

 

Thanks Dichotomy for reading my dilemma. All of these episodes have happened while we were living together. We got enagaged 3 months after it happened (but I wasn't aware of it then). Actually, you have put it very succinctly, thank-you. He does have self-control issues. People end up in all sorts of sitatuions in their lives, including situations where you are being propositioned by another person for some amorous liaisons. Of course faithful partners/spouses will always know not to cross the line. However, I seem to have ended up married to one of these people who is unaware of that "line". I really wish I knew this before I married him.

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Many of us here believe in second chances. We don't all believe, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

 

However, this man has cheated on you four times in 9 years. And he's been keeping a huge lie from you the entire time you've been married. I'm not sure what would convince you he's learned anything.

 

You have a short-term marriage to a serial cheater and no kids. Cut your losses. Start your second life.

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How old are you guys? You had a nine year relationship prior to marriage. It's quite likely he cheated the entire time. Certainly it's possible he's ready and willing to stop not that he's officially married but does he have the ability to stop. That's where "not trusting" or more or less, rebuilding trust from the ground up needs to occur.

 

Again...he hasn't cheated since you married...so you should try to find a lifestyle that will allow that to continue. First step is him coming clean about everything. Where there's one cheat...there's always more. Don't actually get a polygraph but act like you've got one scheduled for next week on ______ and that he better fess up to everything or he'll fail the test and you'll be done. I've read it's a great way to get to the truth and rebuilding trust needs to start at the foundation of truth.

 

In 5-10 years of living an open and interconnected lifestyle where he just doesn't spend the night apart from you EVER, perhaps, you'd have rebuilt trust enough that you feel a little more comfortable. Until then...YOU are his accountability partner helping him overcome a weakness he has revealed to you.

 

It might be tough to see this today...but this may be an opportunity to fix things in your new marriage BEFORE anything more drastic happens.

 

I also think he should quit rugby. He's a married man now and running around with single guys, sleeping in tents, in mixed company, without his wife is not how a husband should be behaving. You don't have to be his baby sitter. Actually, if he is resistant at all I think you should divorce him and never look back. He should want your help to save him from doing things he claims he doesn't ever want to do again because it would hurt you. If he truly doesn't want to hurt you again..he needs to commit to living an interconnected life with you and allow you full access to his life. This is reciprocal...he is your accountability partner too. Your comment that you wanted the freedom to be with your friends too signals to me that maybe neither of you are ready to be married. Marriage is about making a life together versus sharing two very separate yet parallel individual lives. YMMV

 

Thanks for your response ClemsonTigers. I'm 32 and he is 31. We met in our early 20's. I agree, it is quite likely he cheated, at any given opportunity (and the inclusion of alcohol). That is a very good idea, thank-you. I am going to propose the polygraph idea to him and just see his level of acceptance/reluctance to that. There are still question marks over mysterious disappearances until 6am on 2 nights out in the past. He has never disclosed any confessions about them, but given his track record, I do suspect the worse. We don't live separate lives with regards to socialising. We intermingle every aspect of our lives. However, the only part of our lives that is never intermingled, is rugby. It's purely a male domain at the club and nights out and events related to it, I choose not to be involved. I didn't want to be the only partner who insisted on going on the lads rugby weekend away. I think the polygraph suggestion you gave me could yield some results....no matter what it revealed. At least I could get a full and frank insight to what/whom I have married.

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Thanks for your response ClemsonTigers. I'm 32 and he is 31. We met in our early 20's. I agree, it is quite likely he cheated, at any given opportunity (and the inclusion of alcohol). That is a very good idea, thank-you. I am going to propose the polygraph idea to him and just see his level of acceptance/reluctance to that. There are still question marks over mysterious disappearances until 6am on 2 nights out in the past. He has never disclosed any confessions about them, but given his track record, I do suspect the worse. We don't live separate lives with regards to socialising. We intermingle every aspect of our lives. However, the only part of our lives that is never intermingled, is rugby. It's purely a male domain at the club and nights out and events related to it, I choose not to be involved. I didn't want to be the only partner who insisted on going on the lads rugby weekend away. I think the polygraph suggestion you gave me could yield some results....no matter what it revealed. At least I could get a full and frank insight to what/whom I have married.

It is very common for cheaters to only admit to whatever has already been exposed. This destroys trust even more, making R almost impossible. Sometimes WSs confess first, and answer questions fully and honestly. Those marriages have a much better chance of working out.

 

I would keep my eyes open. It took me 4 months after my ex's initial "confession" to discover the real depths of the affair, I had only seen the tip of the iceburg before that.

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ClemsonTigers

You demand the truth not because you want to punish him further. He's already in the outhouse about as far as one can go. Instead...you push for ALL the truth because frankly you can't rebuild anything if he is keeping any secrets from you whatsoever. Truly there's nothing he can tell you that can make it any worse than it already is...so the absolute truth...followed up by a polygraph (threat but he doesn't know that) where's he'll be asked simply whether he's told the entire truth and whether there are any other girls that he has cheated with that he hasn't told you about. You really need to sell the polygraph as it appears my further reading on the subject indicates that often the final truths come out as they get ready and drive to the polygraph appointment.

 

So wive's and girlfriend's aren't allowed but loose single women are???? He can either quit or commit to never traveling with these guys again or you are contacting all their girlfriends and wives and telling them your story.

 

Your husband has an obvious and apparent issue with impulse control. Perhaps over time he can demonstrate he's got things under control but for 5-10 years (not months) he needs to let you hold him accountable (and vice versa as you may now be weaker as far as wanting to even the score and have yourself a little extra something)

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I'd have a difficult time understanding that every time I kissed him - I'd realize that his mouth has been on her @ussy!

 

I'd also have a hard time realizing that every time I looked at his penis - realizing he's been inside her - and/or her mouth.

 

I highly doubt her didn't have intercourse with her.

 

How far will he take his lies? Demand a polygraph and find out!

 

But history shows - he isn't trustworthy. And without trusting him - what is your foundation for your relationship?

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