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wifes past affair


grumblebum

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here goes me and my have been married for 8 yrs but were dating for several yrs before about 12 yrs ago my partner went out to a work party and hooked up with another man from work she confessed the next morning.

she told me what happened at the time she was very remorseful and honest in detail about what they did.

she said it only happened that night.

aproxx 4 months ago while having an arguement she confessed that they were seeing each other for about a month before that night out.

it has been a hard road since then convincing her that she has created present hurt and not past but she willingly accepts that now .

 

my wife believes that she only brought a lie into our marriage and didnt tell me all the details.

 

i on the otherhand believe she brought cheating/affair into our marriage .

 

we are trying to repair our marriage but this subject is causing much tension and everytime i seem to be taking two steps forward and this subject comes up all the hurt comes to the surface and its ten steps back.

 

please can i have some feedback on this subject

 

was a lie brought into our marriage

or

was cheating/affair brought into our marriage

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So she did cheat (sexually) on you - but you were "dating" then and not married? Was this guy some random guy?

 

How serious were you at the time she was screwing the other guy? I mean had you just started dating for a few months, or had you been exclusive for a year or two? or engaged or talking marriage or maybe living together. How old were you both then?

 

Can we get a better picture of you two back when this cheating happened?

Edited by dichotomy
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Could you please clarify; what do you mean by "hooked up" and "were seeing each other" - which activities are we talking about, and did you know about any of them?

 

Also; I don't quite get the timeline - did she have sex with him, and you said, "OK, I forgive you", and now she admits to "seeing each other" which upsets you - is that correct understood?

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whe had been together since 1995 it happened in 2001 we were living together and had 2 children due to an injury i was a stay home dad

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Okay you had kids, and were living together. As far as I am concerned same as married whether you were legally or not.

 

She had an affair. You "forgave" her then and continued onwards.

 

It is very rare for a cheating partner to reveal all details of their affair. Yet to give your "wife" some credit at the time - she did confess on her own to you (rare thing and worthy). She just wanted to minimize the pain.

 

This guy was at work - how long did she continue to work with him - did she break contact with him after this or change jobs?

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sadly i begged her to tell me and she slowly divulged the infomation over 2 days and apparently they stopped the affair after the work party as they spoke at work about it a couple of days later but continued to work together 4 6 months until she left also he was married as well so it only ever happened at work and on the night out

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sadly i begged her to tell me and she slowly divulged the infomation over 2 days and apparently they stopped the affair after the work party as they spoke at work about it a couple of days later but continued to work together 4 6 months until she left also he was married as well so it only ever happened at work and on the night out

 

 

I doubt that you got the whole truth. You need to schedule a polygraph. WW may complain that she told all. You tell then there is no problem to have her confirm that there is no more to tell.

 

What usually happens is the night before or on the car ride to the test the WW tells more. Then tells you cancel the test there is no need now. Most likely it just is some trickle truth and she has not told you all.

 

It would appear that the did it more then once. You also need you DNA test your kids.

 

You need the book Surviving An Affair for you and your WW to learn the skills needed to recover your marriage.

 

After the poly and WW has told you all that happened with the affair there is no longer a need to talk about the affair. To continue to do so will only keep the affair thoughts alive and a constant reminder.

 

So once all questions have been answer then you need to stop the affair talk. Get the book, poly, DNA. Then you will heal from this.

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sadly i begged her to tell me and she slowly divulged the infomation over 2 days and apparently they stopped the affair after the work party as they spoke at work about it a couple of days later but continued to work together 4 6 months until she left also he was married as well so it only ever happened at work and on the night out

Trickle truth strikes again! I very much doubt that you truly "forgave" her for the ONS she confessed back then, although you were willing to accept it to the point you could live together and raise your kids. That's not the same as forgiveness, and she doesn't get a pass now just because you pretty much let her skate back then. And now she throws the truth about her affair into your face during an argument just to hurt you? That's my guess as to why she told you now. She's still lying and holding back so prepare yourself for more details to trickle out.

 

You shouldn't be hung up on technicalities like "was it really cheating" because after 6 years and 2 kids what she did is called infidelity. It's common in these kinds of stories that the wife will hold on to some excuse for her behavior because it is so hard to admit - even to themselves - that they did such a selfish, hurtful, careless thing. You must get her to take responsibility for her cheating and call a spade a spade. If she is able to get to that point I think she will be quite remorseful and the two of you will be ready to try to reconcile your relationship. But first things first: she must accept responsibility for cheating and stop the bul|sh*t excuses.

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Scott Thomas

You may test your children to verify that you are their biological father. Additionally, you'll need a complete version (the truth) of all the events that occurred during the affair. The polygraph shall serve two purposes:

 

1. You shall discover the truth pertaining to the events that occurred when she cheated.

2. You may verify if she cheated once or has continued doing so after you married.

 

The question that particularly astonishes me is why she continued to deceive you for TWELVE years and finally 'blurted it out' during a verbal disagreement.

 

Furthermore, you'll have to ask her why she had no problem tricking you while she stood at the alter and promised to love and cherish you . While it seems that she did love you enough to confess before you married, her 'downplaying' the entire incident is a cause for concern . It is very likely that she has not been honest with you and is still hiding some details.

 

I would applaud her honesty in confessing and do believe she loves you/ feels remorseful. However, the 'trickle truth' in this situation needs to end. She has to understand the pain you are feeling. Do keep in mind that:

 

A. 12 years have passed so the affair is pretty much history in her eyes. This is the thought-process most wayward spouses adopt.

B. You just discovered some new information and for you, the affair is still fresh, almost as if it occurred last week. She needs to understand this and has to act to mitigate the betrayal you are feeling.

 

My intuition is that she had no idea about the damage trickle truth does and was naive enough to believe 'what he doesn't know will not hurt him'. Ask her to join this forum and read the threads posted by betrayed spouses.

 

After the polygraph and DNA tests, seek professional help- ask her to attend personal counselling and start searching for a good marriage counsellor as soon as possible. Unless you two act effectively, your marriage will not survive. She needs to take responsibility for the trickle truth and you may need to work on forgiving her, especially if she has not cheated after you married and has been a good wife.

 

In this case, and with the current information at hand, I believe the marriage should be, and can be salvaged.

 

 

PS. She brought the affair, compounded by deception, into your marriage.

Edited by Scott Thomas
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no matter what i say to her in regards to the 12 yr lie she says that she just didnt tell me all of the details and only sees it that way .

i see it that she cheated on me /had the affair in the present and brought it into our marriage am i wrong for thinking like that because i only knew of the ons at the time it happened.

i also lost my temper and contacted the other person threating to inform his wife of the affair if he did not tell me the truth and there stories didnt match he informed me that it happened on more occasions than she did and i did inform his wife at a later date .

my behavior at the time probably wasnt the best .

 

we seem to be at breaking point now as she said that even if i was right she would still not think she did nothing more than not tell me all the details .

everytime i ask her she swears she has told me the whole truth but i am not so convinced how do i get her to willingly tell the truth without a poly test

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Scott Thomas
no matter what i say to her in regards to the 12 yr lie she says that she just didnt tell me all of the details and only sees it that way .

i see it that she cheated on me /had the affair in the present and brought it into our marriage am i wrong for thinking like that because i only knew of the ons at the time it happened.

i also lost my temper and contacted the other person threating to inform his wife of the affair if he did not tell me the truth and there stories didnt match he informed me that it happened on more occasions than she did and i did inform his wife at a later date .

my behavior at the time probably wasnt the best .

 

we seem to be at breaking point now as she said that even if i was right she would still not think she did nothing more than not tell me all the details .

everytime i ask her she swears she has told me the whole truth but i am not so convinced how do i get her to willingly tell the truth without a poly test

 

Ask her to post her story in the infidelity section in Loveshack/Marriage Builders and see the response she gets from betrayed spouses.

Additionally, go online and read a few books. Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley and 'When Good people have Affairs' by Mira Kirshenbaum, His Needs Her Needs, Recovering from an Affair etc are good examples. Read them with your wife. Tell her you can not move forward without a polygraph test and need it to work on your marriage. Start marriage counselling with a certified counsellors who has dealt with infidelity asap.

While I understand that you are feeling betrayed and deceived, 12 years is a long time and from her corner, it seems that you are acting slightly unreasonably. However, tell her that you love her and need her to take certain steps to work on your marriage. If there was ever a case where I would recommend that the poster try reconciling, this would be it. Do not display any signs of overt aggression; sit down with her and say that you understand she's scared of divulging further information because this could lead to a divorce. Tell her that you love her and forgave her 12 years ago but need her to step up and play her part in resolving the issues in your marriage.

 

Good Luck!

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whenever i have calmly asked her if she has told the whole truth she gets very defencive and tells me she has been completly honest thats what is confusing i could understand if we were arguing which usually end up happening after iask her but not while we are calmly talking but she admits that if i didnt beg her to tell me the truth she probaly still wouldnt have admitted it

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If you are going to do this it should be with the goal of becoming closer a couple, not as an interrogation to determine who its holier. one does not have to ask to know that she put up with plenty of your crap over the years and at this point these questions, if you are worthy to go there, should be asked in love with the full understanding that there will be no repercussions but only an increase in love no matter what secrets she trusts you with. By your actions you are creating an environment where its a risk to talk about the weather. You need a ton of ic and mc man. go to the gym and get some self confidence.

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For your wife this happened 12 years ago.

 

For you it happened yesterday, because she cheated on you and lied about it.

 

How would she feel if the roles were reversed?

 

Is she willing to bring another female home for you to have a threesome?

 

Where is her remorse for cheating and lying to you about it? Doesn't she know that in your mind games that she had sex with him everywhere, and multiple times?

 

If she will not give you a diary of the affair and a timeline of the affair, she is still lying to you. Her AP told you that they had relations more than once.

 

What has been the consequences of the affair? Has she told her family and your family? She spent so much time and effort to have the affair with the love of her life, what wonderful thing has she done for you, her husband?

 

She broke her vows to you. She is not remorseful.

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Seeing how you're all passing judgement on me, I feel that you should know more of the story.

 

My husband actually had a sexual affair with 3 other women. 2 prior to my affair & 1 after.

I did not have sex with anyone else, the dude got 2 blow jobs. Yeah - my self esteem was next to zero.

 

I kept the extra details to myself as a supposed safe guard. I felt that if he cheated on me again, I could tell myself "it's OK, I did bad **** too, so what he does can't hurt me so much".

 

I ended up telling husband the rest of the details after he begged to know if there was anything else to know about what happened 12 years ago.

 

Yes, I'm bad for keeping that extra bit secret. I am deeply remorseful & I say so constantly.

 

Funny thing is, I don't know anything about my husbands affairs because he "can't remember".

 

Funny that.

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Seeing how you're all passing judgement on me, I feel that you should know more of the story.

 

My husband actually had a sexual affair with 3 other women. 2 prior to my affair & 1 after.

I did not have sex with anyone else, the dude got 2 blow jobs. Yeah - my self esteem was next to zero.

 

I kept the extra details to myself as a supposed safe guard. I felt that if he cheated on me again, I could tell myself "it's OK, I did bad **** too, so what he does can't hurt me so much".

 

I ended up telling husband the rest of the details after he begged to know if there was anything else to know about what happened 12 years ago.

 

Yes, I'm bad for keeping that extra bit secret. I am deeply remorseful & I say so constantly.

 

Funny thing is, I don't know anything about my husbands affairs because he "can't remember".

 

Funny that.

 

 

It certainly adds an interesting twist to the story.

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Seeing how you're all passing judgement on me, I feel that you should know more of the story.

 

Funny that.

 

I think you're alright mum!

 

Jonah

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The OM would have no reason to lie to you that they had sex on numerous times and it would not make sense that they just did it once. I strongly suggest that you get paternity tests on your children. It is absolutely staggering how many wifes have gotten pregnant by their OM and passed it off as their husbands.

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How do you get your wife to take a polygraph. You tell her that this is a deal breaker for you if she refuses and this tells you that the OM was correct when he told you that she had sex with him numerous times.

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The OM would have no reason to lie to you that they had sex on numerous times and it would not make sense that they just did it once. I strongly suggest that you get paternity tests on your children. It is absolutely staggering how many wifes have gotten pregnant by their OM and passed it off as their husbands.

 

 

OM have no reason to tell the truth. OM could of buried the truth so deep he could not instantly recall over the phone so he threw some thing out there that he thought was close to the truth.

 

OM have been known to exaggerate and embellish only to be able to better rub the affair in the BH's face.

 

Threatening the OM if you do not tell the truth you will tell the OMW does not phase the OM because no matter what he tells the BH he has no idea what the BH will do after the phone is hung up.

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Seeing how you're all passing judgement on me, I feel that you should know more of the story.

 

My husband actually had a sexual affair with 3 other women. 2 prior to my affair & 1 after.

I did not have sex with anyone else, the dude got 2 blow jobs. Yeah - my self esteem was next to zero.

 

I kept the extra details to myself as a supposed safe guard. I felt that if he cheated on me again, I could tell myself "it's OK, I did bad **** too, so what he does can't hurt me so much".

 

I ended up telling husband the rest of the details after he begged to know if there was anything else to know about what happened 12 years ago.

 

Yes, I'm bad for keeping that extra bit secret. I am deeply remorseful & I say so constantly.

 

Funny thing is, I don't know anything about my husbands affairs because he "can't remember".

 

Funny that.

 

 

Time for the OP to go get a poly at the same time as well.

 

 

As to the WW. Many WH's just because they rode other men's wives does not mean that the WH is ok with other men riding their wife.

 

The nerve. So WH's just do not know how to play nice and share.

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Scott Thomas
Seeing how you're all passing judgement on me, I feel that you should know more of the story.

 

My husband actually had a sexual affair with 3 other women. 2 prior to my affair & 1 after.

I did not have sex with anyone else, the dude got 2 blow jobs. Yeah - my self esteem was next to zero.

 

I kept the extra details to myself as a supposed safe guard. I felt that if he cheated on me again, I could tell myself "it's OK, I did bad **** too, so what he does can't hurt me so much".

 

I ended up telling husband the rest of the details after he begged to know if there was anything else to know about what happened 12 years ago.

 

Yes, I'm bad for keeping that extra bit secret. I am deeply remorseful & I say so constantly.

 

Funny thing is, I don't know anything about my husbands affairs because he "can't remember".

 

Funny that.

 

I am basing my post on the assumption that you are grumblebum's wife and that you have posted an accurate version of these incidents.

 

 

Dear Grumblebum,

 

If there is a mirror near you, walk over and reflect on what you see.

You are worried about two instances of oral sex while you had 2 affair before and one affair after your wife's indiscretion and can not recall any details when your wife asks you?

 

Do you have a different rules for yourself and a much harsher, unjustified and misplaced set of principles that your wife must adhere to?

 

To the posters who are rattling about the wife: her actions seem small compared to what he has done. A woman with a decent self-esteem would have walked away from Grumblebum ages ago.

 

Grumblebum. You cheated twice while you two were in a relationship. She had her revenge fling when she performed oral sex on the OM. You cheated again after you were married. You have posted on the forum, complaining about your wife and gave us the assumption that she was 100% responsible for the problems in your marriage while you had a completely flawless record.

 

I'm sorry my dear man, but my sympathies lie with your wife. My 1st post was based on the information you had provided. As it appears, that information was incomplete, speculative and bordering on a 'choose-as-you-desire' decision.

 

It is time you both came clean about your affairs. A polygraph may resolve this. Proceed with a DNA test if you want to.

 

Grubmlebum, your fears regarding your wife's affair, while not irrational, are over-shadowed by your own affairs.

 

 

 

There's his side of the story.

There's her side of the story.

And then there's the truth!

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