Just found out my husb had an EA at work

[MovingPast]

We've been married for 30 years, 2 children, 1 grandson. For the first 5 years, he worked out of state and I took care of everything. When he came back home to work he turned distant. We bonded over all of the children" activities, then they moved out and things fell apart, it's now ten years later and I have just found out that he was having and EA with a woman at work. I lost my phone and got his to call mine and saw the message from her "call me when you get off work, I miss you" When I first asked him about it, he became defensive, but the more questions I asked, the more he admitted and admitted that it was wrong. He swears there was nothing physical.

 

At first he was adamant about keeping the friendship but the more I realized had happened ( he had lied several times about going to her house to workout) I knew that I couldn't send him off every day to someone that he had lied to me about. Normally, I would tell you that my husband would never dare lie to me, he just doesn't lie and for him to lie to be with this woman has hurt me more than anything. It has taken my trust away. Anyway, today he says that he doesn't have a problem doing whatever I need to heal and that he knows and understands. I guess what I need for him to say, it's no problem she's nothing, no big deal. But what he said what he would do whatever it takes. He has to work with this woman, they direct different departments that depend on each other, so there is no way to completely cut contact .

 

Will this work? How do I build back trust in a guy that never lied to me in 30 years?

 

I'm at such a loss

Thanks for listening

[Goodbye]

You may get more advice on the infidelity section. Good luck to you.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I'm going to take a shot at this because I am both a FOW and a BS. You didn't mention how long this "EA" was, but I would bet anything that it is not just an EA - it is more than likely physical. When I confronted my husband regarding his affair, he did the exact same thing but I had texts that led one to believe something different. Not solid proof, but it was enough. The fact that he was at her house "working out" is a huge red flag.

 

When I was in my affair, we had been married just under 30 years and it was just over 30 years when my husband had his, so we are similar in that way - length of marriage.

 

I am not going to say it can't work and you won't recover your marriage if he still works with her and sees her daily because I don't know if that's true or not. What I can tell you is that it will be extremely difficult. I know in my situation, if I had to see my XMM regularly it would be very hard. Although it was (and sometimes still is) extremely painful and hard to walk through that no contact, it is needed if you are going to reconcile and that is a point your husband is going to have to get - loud and clear. It is highly unlikely that you will ever trust him as long as he sees her day in and day out.

 

You need to ask more questions. I am sorry you are going through this.

[SidLyon]

Sorry you are in this position. It was similar for me.

 

First of all you need to accept that it is most likely that the affair was physical (ie sexual) as well as emotional.

 

Your WH seems to want to reconcile but initially many try to keep the relationship going with the OW and continue to lie to their BWs about this (often called a false reconciliation).

 

If your WH has expressed the wish to stay with you and do anything to help you heal, and you agree (at least at this stage) then the first step is total honesty on his part about everything which includes giving you a detailed time line, especially how long it's been going on and honesty about all the lies he's been telling you. If he's sincere then he should understand that you will have lots of questions and be willing to answer them all, he shouldn't be doing any rug-sweeping or attempting to get you to "get over it" any time soon. He should also go "no contact" (NC) with the OW.

 

Posters on this forum have different ideas about this, but my personal view is that an e-mail or letter to the OW is best. This needs to do no more than tell the OW that his BW has discovered the affair, that he loves his wife, wants to stay married and wants no further contact with her. If they work together and have to have contact at work then the only exception to this will be necessary work-related contact from then on, and there should be no personal/private contact. Any contact with the OW must be conveyed to you as BW.

 

He should give up to you all passwords to phones computers, laptops and "secret" email accounts etc and allow you to read everything. If he's already deleted everything or tries to delete things before you view them then obviously there's a lot more been going on.

 

Counseling is almost a must and I recommend the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass for both of you. Do as much reading as you can especially about the typical behaviour of a WH after a d-day.

 

If he doesn't agree to this and more, then you don't have a genuinely remorseful spouse, and in my view continuing to attempt a reconciliation will result in more betrayal of you.

 

There is a lot more but at this stage you will manage just one step at a time. You don't have to make final/binding decisions immediately.

 

If the OW has a BH then in my view you need to work out how to expose this to her BH.

[James-London]

I do not know your financial situation or his professional obligations, but I would insist he leaves his job. It sounds like he has a senior role and people depend upon him. All the better!! If he needs to lose his job, career and professional reputation to keep you, then so be it. Its up to you if you push him that far, but I would.... I don't agree with contacting the OW.

 

One idea is to get him to call the OW, put her on speaker phone with you in the room. You should carefully script the conversation they will need to have in advance and do not give him any warning about this. Things in the conversation will start coming out if he sticks to the script you give him.... Remember you have only 1 shot at this.... otherwise, there are the usual methods of looking at his utility records and bank transactions etc.

[AlwaysGrowing]

MovingPast, I am sorry that you are here.

 

Unfortunately, this "call me when you get off work, I miss you" is very telling in that it is more than an EA. How often do you tell your friends that you see everyday that "I miss you". Going to her house to workout is a guise.

 

Its very rare for a person to self incriminate, they will lie, lie, lie, lie, and blame you for not believing them, when they have already been caught lying.

 

I would suggest to investigate more. Try to get texts back. Put a voice recorder in his vehicle.

 

Again, sorry that you are here.

[ChooseTruth]

He should at least get a transfer or change jobs I think. He needs to go no contact(NC) with this woman. It's one of the most basic requirements to recover from something like this. You deserve that peace of mind, he needs to be removed from the temptation.

[MovingPast]

After I've learned a few more facts and had more of those emotional moments. I've know this man for 31 years and he is a horrible liar. Every time he lied to me about staying after work, but actually working out at her house. I could tell he was lying. I could tell it by the facial expression he makes when he lies. He had no evidence or knew I had evidence that he had been to her home, when I asked, he said yes he did, that they worked out. I could tell by his expressions that he was telling the truth. He looked me straight in the eyes and swore to me he had never touched her inappropriately.

 

What I believe is it was an EA that was headed down a slippery slope towards an affair. When he spoke to her about me seeing the text and that he wanted all communication off except for what is needed at work, ,,, her question to him was, no more working out? Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but she knew he lied to me about going to her house and what she was asking is "are we going to continue our secret part of the relationship, and just not do anything she could see .... or a clean break. He told her a clean break. She was upset and left work the rest of the say. I have spoken to him on it adnausium and he swears on our childrens lives that he'll do whatever I need for us to move on. They have known each other for work a few years, just this pass month did he add a text plan to his phone so she could text him... a plan he didn't mention to me. He does know I will check the phone records and anything else I want to look at.

 

He has promised me no communication with her except what is necessary at work.

 

I think he was ushered into this by her, she started telling her sob story to him, eliciting sympathy and she was looking and trying to make an emotional bond. He did tell her of our martial problem, (which maddens me to NO END!)

He fell right into the trap of a divorced woman looking for her next husb.

 

 

I can't see what they do at work, it's a wharehouse, I can't just show up and walk back there.

 

I've love this man for 30 years and most of that time he's been truthful, loyal and an excellent father

 

I don't know what to think about this, I would never in a million years believe he would do something inappropriate that would jeopardize us.

 

He made these choices and now I don't know what to do about them.

[ChooseTruth]

...

I think he was ushered into this by her, she started telling her sob story to him, eliciting sympathy and she was looking and trying to make an emotional bond. He did tell her of our martial problem, (which maddens me to NO END!)

He fell right into the trap of a divorced woman looking for her next husb.

 

Might be partially true, but remember that he is responsible for his own actions. Your relationship is not with her, it's with him. That's one person to worry about vs how many other women in this world?

I can't see what they do at work, it's a wharehouse, I can't just show up and walk back there.

 

I've love this man for 30 years and most of that time he's been truthful, loyal and an excellent father

 

I don't know what to think about this, I would never in a million years believe he would do something inappropriate that would jeopardize us.

 

He made these choices and now I don't know what to do about them.

You're right, this situation is unacceptable. I stick to what I said in my last post.

[SidLyon]

Hmm I think you need to prepare for the fact that it was full blown affair. My WH also said that it had not become physical, and initially I believed him for similar reasons that you give.

 

There is no way she would be that upset and he would be giving her an affair phone (yes that's what we call them here), just for a friend with who he "worked out". "Working out" is probably an expression they use for the physical part of their affair. In my WH's case it was called "going to lunch".

 

If your WH is willing to do anything it takes then the first step is complete honesty where you sit down and he tells you everything. It sounds as though you may not get that though...

 

Maybe suggest a polygraph. Good luck.

[velvette]

Hmm I think you need to prepare for the fact that it was full blown affair. My WH also said that it had not become physical, and initially I believed him for similar reasons that you give.

 

There is no way she would be that upset and he would be giving her an affair phone (yes that's what we call them here), just for a friend with who he "worked out". "Working out" is probably an expression they use for the physical part of their affair. In my WH's case it was called "going to lunch".

 

If your WH is willing to do anything it takes then the first step is complete honesty where you sit down and he tells you everything. It sounds as though you may not get that though...

 

Maybe suggest a polygraph. Good luck.

 

I agree. Private eye and polygraph are the quickest routes to the truth.

 

BTW swearing on your childrens lives means nothing. They.will.say.anything. Next he will be swearing on his mothers life or soul. My H said the same thing when he broke NC.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Gently.

 

Your husband of 30 years knows how to lie. He has been lying for how long? He looked you in the eye each time.

 

I understand that you want to believe that it wasn't physical, I truly do. To know that someone that you loved and cared for could hurt you so profoundly, so intentionally is unfathomable in your view of your relationship. I hope you are correct.

 

Realistically? Once the emotional bond is made, its a done deal that the sex follows in most cases. The "i miss yous", the new text plan, wanting to stay connected behind your back,the length of the deception, point to the physical already to have happened.

[MovingPast]

You're absolutely correct, it IS his fault and as far as I'm concerned, she should be able to dance naked on his desk ... with him just asking her to get down and not mess up his paperwork. HE is Absolutely in the wrong. She also made bad choices, however HE is the one that I have a commitment with.

 

He's looking for a different department to work in, where he will have less contact with her, he has promised not lunches sitting together, no private talks, no meeting and walking out of the building together... everything except when it is absolutely necessary to reach her about work. There hasn't been a text or a call either way since then.

 

He also wants to start back to church.

 

He comes home every day and some days I'm alright then someday, I've had things running thru my head all day. Questions I come up with, questions I want answers to. He either doesn't know the answers, or he won't admit to them. I'm not sure which.

 

I want to believe him, however he lied to me for the first time in 30 years over this

 

Am I making too much of it, is it something that I caught in time (3wks)

Am I being a fool thinking that

Is it much more to him, eventho I'm not seeing that.

 

I don't know....

[ChooseTruth]

You're absolutely correct, it IS his fault and as far as I'm concerned, she should be able to dance naked on his desk ... with him just asking her to get down and not mess up his paperwork. HE is Absolutely in the wrong. She also made bad choices, however HE is the one that I have a commitment with.

Love this

He's looking for a different department to work in, where he will have less contact with her, he has promised not lunches sitting together, no private talks, no meeting and walking out of the building together... everything except when it is absolutely necessary to reach her about work. There hasn't been a text or a call either way since then.

 

He also wants to start back to church.

 

Better, but he should have NO contact with her imo.

He comes home every day and some days I'm alright then someday, I've had things running thru my head all day. Questions I come up with, questions I want answers to. He either doesn't know the answers, or he won't admit to them. I'm not sure which.

 

I want to believe him, however he lied to me for the first time in 30 years over this

 

Am I making too much of it, is it something that I caught in time (3wks)

Am I being a fool thinking that

Is it much more to him, eventho I'm not seeing that.

 

I don't know....

This really worries me...cheaters are known for lying and minimizing everything until they absolutely have to reveal each little piece. They think they are "sparing you the details" but really they are trying to spare themselves of humiliation and consequences. By giving you "trickle truth" they destroy trust beyond repair. "I don't remember" is a GIANT red flag. I got that when I asked my ex about directions to a hotel that I found. Man I was stupid... Of course it was part of the A. She tried to tell me it had been only 1 time. It had been 4 months with hotels and everything. I would keep your eyes WIDE OPEN. Check online phone records, internet history, emails, use a voice record if you need to, GPS devices, hire a PI. Maybe not all those things..but find the truth if he won't give...or just leave because if you can't get truth out of him, what's the point? I'd bet my kidneys that he's lying from what you describe.

 

Make it clear that you need to know he can tell the truth even when it's hard. This is his opportunity to restore trust with difficult truth. Lies will destroy trust further and once you have all the truth via your own means, it's almost impossible for him to proove himself. "I didn't cheat today" is virtually meaningless even if it is true. It doesn't reveal much character the way a full confession does.

[2sunny]

You're absolutely correct, it IS his fault and as far as I'm concerned, she should be able to dance naked on his desk ... with him just asking her to get down and not mess up his paperwork. HE is Absolutely in the wrong. She also made bad choices, however HE is the one that I have a commitment with.

 

He's looking for a different department to work in, where he will have less contact with her, he has promised not lunches sitting together, no private talks, no meeting and walking out of the building together... everything except when it is absolutely necessary to reach her about work. There hasn't been a text or a call either way since then.

 

He also wants to start back to church.

 

He comes home every day and some days I'm alright then someday, I've had things running thru my head all day. Questions I come up with, questions I want answers to. He either doesn't know the answers, or he won't admit to them. I'm not sure which.

 

I want to believe him, however he lied to me for the first time in 30 years over this

 

Am I making too much of it, is it something that I caught in time (3wks)

Am I being a fool thinking that

Is it much more to him, eventho I'm not seeing that.

 

I don't know....

 

Caught in time? Probably not.

 

Yes, you are foolish to think anything he tells you now is any form of honesty. He's given his evidence that he is capable of lying. And he's also capable of being sneaky - he added a text plan for a reason - and he didn't tell you. He is capable of lying more than you CHOOSE to think.

 

Yes, it's more to him - he was willing to risk 31 years for her.

 

You better get real and begin thinking he had sex with her. Not that the emotional bond isn't bad enough. He's betrayed you, your M by giving intimate facts about YOUR MARRIAGE to someone else!

 

 

He's willing to do ANYTHING? Then he better quit that job TODAY! And if he wouldn't - I'd pack his bags and cut him off from all money access!

 

He has code words set up with her! Working out? Come on! That means "can we have sex now?" Don't be his fool!

 

He knows the answers to your questions - he's further lying by leaving out his truth! Stop believing his sneaky ways!

It ISNT the first time he has lied! It's the first time he got caught!

[ladydesigner]

(((MovingPast))) I'm sorry you find yourself here. Please make sure you are looking after yourself and eating and sleeping. If your health begins to suffer at all or you start to feel depressed please see a doctor. You are just discovering what is most likely the tip of the iceberg.

 

Unfortunately many of us were told the same thing, that it was an EA. My WH swore on mine and our kids lives. I had NO IDEA my WH could lie to my face like that.

 

Do your own investigating like the others have said and do not disclose to your WH how you get the info. I believe that there is more to the story and please make sure that there is NC. They tend to break NC in the beginning of R or sometimes you may experience what is called false reconciliation when they take the A underground.

 

Either way I would sit and watch and listen like a hawk.

[MovingPast]

For the first time ever, he has allowed me to set down, ask, cry and wonder about everything that went on, without negating my feelings, he's answered everything I asked, there were some "whys" that he said he didn't know the answer to. He just says he needed someone to talk to and I asked why wasn't it me he needed to talk to, I'm suppose to be the one and he said he didn't know.

 

I have also told him that I'm not sure how much worse it would be even if he had slept with her, I already feel betrayed, humiliated, worthless and I have no idea if I can ever have trust in me again.

 

I told him I'd do whatever I need to try to get through this with him, but I'd have to have honesty from him AND I'll check the phone records, the bank records, receipts and I might show up at work to see who he walks out with. I might even show up to eat lunch a few days. And I'll do these things until I feel I can trust him, and he agreed I have every right to. He Offered to put a tracking device on his truck,, I said Naw If I was gonna have one of those I'd have it surgically inserted somewhere painful... I suppose I have no choice but to check up on everything I can.

 

 

I don't know that it would be tougher getting over a physical affair. Dealing with the betrayal, humiliation, pain and suffering over just him lying....

 

The best hope we have on his job front is for him getting another department. He has too much time with this company to leave, we're older and we count on the benefits. He has been checking into jobs in different depts.

[2sunny]

God, you're easy.

 

Have him take a polygraph.

 

You need his truth.

 

Being the police won't make him faithful - I hope you seek counseling. You seem weak and timid - like you're afraid - and at the mercy of him.

 

Please seek help to find strength. Please.

 

Read my prior post - you act like you don't want to face the possibility of what's real.

 

And you certainly don't know what consequences look like.

 

Read a few books on infidelity - your H has cheated - EA and/or PA.

 

You need to educate yourself.

 

He ALLOWED you to ask questions? Sheez, are you kidding me? What a gem of a guy, NOT!!!

Edited October 5, 2013 by 2sunny

[Snowflower]

I agree...you are letting him off way too easy.

 

Pretty much I think you have to assume it was a physical affair as well as an emotional one for him. Quite honestly, you have no way of ever knowing that it wasn't physical for him. There will also be no way for your H to prove-if he decides finally to have a sense of honesty-that it was NOT physical. Even the OW cannot confirm that for you because she could lie, deny, cover-up what went on between them.

 

So, you will have to come to grips with the fact that they probably had sex.

 

Please tell him that since you have no way of knowing otherwise, that you will assume that he and the OW did have sex and that you are going to consider what to do next with the physical part being your reality.

 

I would then tell him to leave while you figure this out for yourself. Please do not tie yourself up in knots in the meantime trying to figure out if 1. whether or not it was physical and 2. whether it being physical makes it somehow worse.

 

It is all bad. Please keep that in mind. Now, go pack his suitcase and hand it to him. Regardless of what happens, he will respect you a lot more for standing up for yourself.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

There is no question in my mind it was physical. And believe me that unless he is out of that job, he will wait until things die down and it will go underground again. This is what happened to us. Bs finds out and confronts, we all three meet, she doesn't want anyone to know - even my husband - she "trusts" us. He says he will be "straight and narrow" and two night later he is at my house and we a practicing music. It wasn't two weeks later and we were back "in it" again. The attraction and pull was too strong and we had already crossed the line.

 

There is no way he is telling you everything. Hell, when I confronted my husband about his affair it was "we're just friends" and then the blame shifted to me because I was emotionally unavailable. Then when I showed him the texts I found that were revealing, he admitted sex. Then when I asked when it became physical it was "recently" and then when pressed it had been 9 months earlier. Then it was only on Tuesdays and still he maintains only at the office after hours. Then when pressed it became "some Saturdays".

 

You cannot trust - he is covering his rear end. I did it, so did my husband, my xmom did it - he will not reveal everything.

 

If you really want the truth you may have to polygraph him. He is now very aware and will be doubly careful. You will not know if they talk or run into each other - he just won't tell you. My husbands xow came into the office in January of this year and called him and they had a "three minute" conversation. I was not told about it until almost three months later. He didn't want to upset me and it didn't mean anything. I told him I would rather know. Then he said "you wouldn't tell me if xom called". I said I absolutely would. And he does know every time that I have seen him in the past few years.

 

Guaranteed he is in damage control right now. I'm sorry to tell you but this is how it works.

Edited October 5, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

[2sunny]

Have you gotten copies of ALL of their words from their text records?

 

Get them! Look over what they said to one another - there's no denying words transcribed between them.

 

You need to dig for evidence - get busy!

 

"Working out" refers to sex! I know a gal that used to say " let's get Ice cream" when she wanted to ask her MM to come have sex! Pay attention!

Edited October 5, 2013 by 2sunny

[SidLyon]

Have you gotten copies of ALL of their words from their text records?

 

Get them! Look over what they said to one another - there's no denying words transcribed between them.

 

You need to dig for evidence - get busy!

 

"Working out" refers to sex! I know a gal that used to say " let's get Ice cream" when she wanted to ask her MM to come have sex! Pay attention!

 

As I already said my WH and the OW called it "going to lunch". If they happened to be really, really going to lunch they called it a "civilized lunch".

[2sunny]

Please stop lying about your H and his being honest for 30 years!

 

He was willing to deceive you on many levels... That is called lying.

 

 

The fact that he didn't intend to let her go willingly shows proof that she meant ALOT to HIM! That's usually because it's more than a friend! He was willing to hurt YOU to stay "friends" with HER!

[MovingPast]

Hi all, I just wanted to post an update to my situation. It's been almost a month since I first found the text. I have read all the replies to my post and have listened to all of your advice and I thank each of you.

 

I do remember someone saying I sounded timid. Hmm, I might not be representing myself in my complete colors here, I've tried to be pleasant here, however, trust me, my "redneck side" has come out plenty of times during this last month, including the night I first found the text , my husb was in the shower at the time and I yanked the door open, pulled his 6"2 inch 220lb body out, shoved the phone in his face backed him across the bathroom against the vanity growling "who is **** and why the **** does she miss you!".

 

Since I first found that text I have followed the advice given here and I've checked everything, phone records, deleted texts, work time sheets and payroll records, bank account records, credit card records, I've gone through every nook and crany in this house, in his vehicle and anywhere else I thought something might be hidden. I found nothing suspicious. During the time they were communicating on the phone (Aug 29th to Sept 24th) there were 4 phone calls, all of less than a minute. The texts were all either "see you tomorrow" or 4 of them were "will be at the gym at such and such time". I have also showed up at his work in a friends vehicle several times and watched to see if he walked out with her or talked to her in the parking lot. He did not. All calls and texts stopped between them on the 24th of Sept.

 

Whatever did happen between them was inappropriate, I don't know if he slept with her, the truth is, I will never know and I have no power over that. What I do have power over is how the future proceeds. During the last month, he and I have talked more than ever and I have laid the law down. I don't trust him, that's his fault, he has agreed and it seems to me he's making an effort to change that. He now texts me when he gets off work and during the day at work. (I know that must sound ridiculously small but he's never done it b/4, I didn't ask him to do it and I consider it a "STEP" not a cure) He has also started seeking me out when he gets home from work, he use to just walk by me, never say a word. Now he makes sure to find me, hug and kiss me and ask me how my day was. (Another Step) Generally, I feel things have been better between us.

 

Time will tell, I suppose. I will not let my guard down, I will check and question anything I care to. I won't stay with someone that is going to continue to lie to me, 30 years of marriage or not. He is extremely lucky that I didn't toss his hiney out of here when I first found the texts. If I ever find out that he isn't walking the straight and narrow.... then he's gonna need the help of a greater power to get him out of that one! I have let him know in no uncertain terms, this is his one chance... screw it up and he's gone.

[2sunny]

Are you certain he doesn't have a pay as you go phone now?

 

Also, start counseling. You need him finding out WHY he even allowed her to become so close that it harmed the marriage. He needs to learn more about what was missing so much that he was willing to risk his M to you.

 

And the M needs work - leave it the same and it's only a matter of time until he goes looking for another gal that excites him.

 

 

I'm not sure he's had consequences - a slap on the hand is what you think is going to work?

 

You two need some professional guidance to face the problem of WHY he chose to hurt you/the marriage.

 

And you think if he isn't privately with her - that means he no longer thinks of her/cares for her? Come on - there are big gaping cracks in your M - and your not acknowledging how to fix them.

 

The major work is on your H - but forgiving so easily isn't the answer - I can assure you - it will happen again left unaddressed.

Edited October 20, 2013 by 2sunny