Found out my husband has been cheating. Preparing for divorce but so torn apart..

[Latte]

Dear Loveshack people, I am not in a very sound state of mind right now so I hope this is the correct forum in which I am writing my first post.

 

I am a 29 year old married mother of a 4 year old girl and son along the way (I am eight months along now). I come here to this anonymous board because I am my wits end and I could use some advice and support; my parents know of what happened but I am frankly too embarrassed to tell people that I know...I hope you understand this embarrassment??

 

I have found out my husband has been having an affair with a fellow younger classmate (he is a little older than me but in school to finish his studies). A classmate that I know. A classmate that he brought over to our house for meals, tea, hw, what not. A classmate who sat on my sofa and ate my food, played with my child, helped me shop. A fellow woman who gained my complete trust and I thought I had made a wonderful friend.

 

I am someone that when I trust, I trust completely with my heart soul and mind. And this is how I was with my husband. No checking the phone, no questioning who he was out with or where he was, I trusted him and I thought we had the most wonderful marriage, physically and emotionally.

And I never had reason to mistrust him..

 

But several months ago, I started to feel that "something is wrong" twinge. It wasn't as if anything had changed between my husband and I, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was feeling so..strange. I brushed it off at first to maybe hormones due to the pregnancy but that weird feeling wouldn't leave me alone. And I am not someone who is irrational or anything like that so I trusted my gut was telling me something..so I started to be more on alert about my husband.

 

First, the phone bill was higher than the usual. I mean that could happen, but again, that nagging feeling. I kept an eye on further bills. Then a notice in the mail about an unfamiliar Citibank account being opened. Now the alarm bells started to ring. Of course I confronted my husband "what is this?" He answered that he had a "friend" who was having financial problems and he had opened an account for "him" and gave "him" a card to help "him" but didn't tell me because he thought I would worry. By this time my instincts were screaming but I so did not want to acknowledge them. I was scared to.

 

I was getting very upset. But I tried to remain calm and not let him know I had caught on to something. This was so hard, but I tried my damndest (I would take aimless walks around the park with my daughter just to regain my composure).

 

I went and got a more detailed list of my husband's phone records (luckily this was easier than I thought) and noticed the same cell number being dialed over and over. For hours and hours. Every single day for the past three, four months. HER number. I made photocopies and I also made photocopies of the bank account and the address. By this time I couldn't handle this alone and notified my parents and sent them the photocopies and explained my suspicions. My parents were shaken but told me to stay calm and that they would help me.

 

My parents decided to help me hire a PI to really get the evidence, since what we had now could just be brushed off as suspicions.

 

The PI confirmed everything. Pictures, recordings, address on the bank account was hers, card, hers, phone number belonged to address on bank account. Trysts at her place when they were supposed to be at school, the list goes on and on.

 

I know my personality more than anything and I know I will not be able to live with this man again. When I trust I trust. When that gets abused, I go in the exact opposite direction and my heart is closed forever. I am preparing for a divorce and hopefully I will have enough evidence to bring him down and where I live there is a law against the Other Woman/Man when there has been sexual consensual intercourse with the cheating person. I intend to sue her too. After the PI, I did confront them both and they are both saying it "just happened" it made him feel good, she couldn't help herself, sorry oh so sorry. Oh and though I was pregnant my husband and I were still having active sex but he told her we weren't sleeping together or talking much. We were doing both. Lies. All lies.

 

I am in so much pain. And I try not to feel it for there is my son who will be born in two months and I try to eat and sleep and think good thoughts for his sake but the fact remains. This is killing me inside. He's going to be born without a dad by his side and I feel pain thinking of what my little girl has to go through...but I'd rather be a good and devoted mom than keep the family unit facade and be dying inside, which will eventually rub off on my children.

 

Please I can use some support. Any advice. Am I being too rash on this. Do I need to give this some time. I want to kill them both. I want to publicly humiliate them on Facebook. I want to publicize my entire divorce proceedings so they can be seen as the scum they are. But will that make me feel better in the long run? Is it worth it? And sometimes I just can't help but blame myself. Why did he cheat? How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me?

 

Thank you for reading this, I am sorry it got so long but I just needed to write this somewhere.

 

Audrey

[Journee]

First of all, you did nothing to " make" him cheat. That is his decision to own.

 

I too was pregnant when I learned of my H's affair. Do take good care of yourself. Try to eat and rest when you can. I know your mind is swirling and those things are easier said than done.

 

What kind of ways is your husband showing that he is remorseful? I am off the opinion that it takes a special kind of @$$ to cheat on a pregnant woman. Has your husband continued contact with this woman? Is he wanting to reconcile?

 

It's especially disturbing that he brought that person into your home. I'm so very sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you kept your head on straight in order to gather indisputable evidence. I am not one for mass exposure so cannot give you advice on that. Especially if you choose to reconcile.

 

You do not have to make any concrete decisions if you are not ready. It's hard work to reconcile after this depth of betrayal. That blind trust is forever gone for most. If your H is truly remorseful and wants to work on your marriage he needs to be %100 no contact with this woman. You also need to be tested for STDs ASAP. Some diseases can be very dangerous for baby.

 

Most of all I hope you can take a break for you and just be good to yourself during the last few weeks of your pregnancy. Drink plenty of water if you cannot eat. I went into preterm labor from stress and not consuming enough water.

 

I wish you the best during this crazy ride. Keep posting and stay strong.

[Darren Steez]

Dear Loveshack people, I am not in a very sound state of mind right now so I hope this is the correct forum in which I am writing my first post.

 

I am a 29 year old married mother of a 4 year old girl and son along the way (I am eight months along now). I come here to this anonymous board because I am my wits end and I could use some advice and support; my parents know of what happened but I am frankly too embarrassed to tell people that I know...I hope you understand this embarrassment??

 

I have found out my husband has been having an affair with a fellow younger classmate (he is a little older than me but in school to finish his studies). A classmate that I know. A classmate that he brought over to our house for meals, tea, hw, what not. A classmate who sat on my sofa and ate my food, played with my child, helped me shop. A fellow woman who gained my complete trust and I thought I had made a wonderful friend.

 

I am someone that when I trust, I trust completely with my heart soul and mind. And this is how I was with my husband. No checking the phone, no questioning who he was out with or where he was, I trusted him and I thought we had the most wonderful marriage, physically and emotionally.

And I never had reason to mistrust him..

 

But several months ago, I started to feel that "something is wrong" twinge. It wasn't as if anything had changed between my husband and I, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was feeling so..strange. I brushed it off at first to maybe hormones due to the pregnancy but that weird feeling wouldn't leave me alone. And I am not someone who is irrational or anything like that so I trusted my gut was telling me something..so I started to be more on alert about my husband.

 

First, the phone bill was higher than the usual. I mean that could happen, but again, that nagging feeling. I kept an eye on further bills. Then a notice in the mail about an unfamiliar Citibank account being opened. Now the alarm bells started to ring. Of course I confronted my husband "what is this?" He answered that he had a "friend" who was having financial problems and he had opened an account for "him" and gave "him" a card to help "him" but didn't tell me because he thought I would worry. By this time my instincts were screaming but I so did not want to acknowledge them. I was scared to.

 

I was getting very upset. But I tried to remain calm and not let him know I had caught on to something. This was so hard, but I tried my damndest (I would take aimless walks around the park with my daughter just to regain my composure).

 

I went and got a more detailed list of my husband's phone records (luckily this was easier than I thought) and noticed the same cell number being dialed over and over. For hours and hours. Every single day for the past three, four months. HER number. I made photocopies and I also made photocopies of the bank account and the address. By this time I couldn't handle this alone and notified my parents and sent them the photocopies and explained my suspicions. My parents were shaken but told me to stay calm and that they would help me.

 

My parents decided to help me hire a PI to really get the evidence, since what we had now could just be brushed off as suspicions.

 

The PI confirmed everything. Pictures, recordings, address on the bank account was hers, card, hers, phone number belonged to address on bank account. Trysts at her place when they were supposed to be at school, the list goes on and on.

 

I know my personality more than anything and I know I will not be able to live with this man again. When I trust I trust. When that gets abused, I go in the exact opposite direction and my heart is closed forever. I am preparing for a divorce and hopefully I will have enough evidence to bring him down and where I live there is a law against the Other Woman/Man when there has been sexual consensual intercourse with the cheating person. I intend to sue her too. After the PI, I did confront them both and they are both saying it "just happened" it made him feel good, she couldn't help herself, sorry oh so sorry. Oh and though I was pregnant my husband and I were still having active sex but he told her we weren't sleeping together or talking much. We were doing both. Lies. All lies.

 

I am in so much pain. And I try not to feel it for there is my son who will be born in two months and I try to eat and sleep and think good thoughts for his sake but the fact remains. This is killing me inside. He's going to be born without a dad by his side and I feel pain thinking of what my little girl has to go through...but I'd rather be a good and devoted mom than keep the family unit facade and be dying inside, which will eventually rub off on my children.

 

Please I can use some support. Any advice. Am I being too rash on this. Do I need to give this some time. I want to kill them both. I want to publicly humiliate them on Facebook. I want to publicize my entire divorce proceedings so they can be seen as the scum they are. But will that make me feel better in the long run? Is it worth it? And sometimes I just can't help but blame myself. Why did he cheat? How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me?

 

Thank you for reading this, I am sorry it got so long but I just needed to write this somewhere.

 

Audrey

 

Some may say give it time before you make a decision but for me it's entirely up to you. Some put it off then as time goes, it gets harder and harder to do what should have been done in the beginning.

 

For me personally, sorrys and I messed up, just don't cut it. You CHOOSE (not forced) to cheat. You CHOOSE (not forced) to lie and manipulate your loved one with intention of carrying on having the affair. You know full well what you are doing will hurt your spouse, yet you continue to do it. One would say it's only right if a person shows you that level of disrespect then in respecting yourself you should show them the door.

 

Whatever decision is yours and yours alone to make. Good luck.

[HokeyReligions]

You sound like an exceptionally strong woman. I know inside you may feel like melting jello but under that is a spine of steel. To me it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Lean on your parents just as you would be there for your kids were they in this situation. Dont be afraid to grieve. I can't imagine bring where you are. I don't know how I would react, but I can understand the pain of betrayal when one trusts so completely. I used to be like that.

 

There may come a time when you find that you are grieving that lost ability to trust more than the loss of your marriage. Dont be afraid to get help outside of your parents if/when you need it.

[Spark1111]

First and foremost you must take care of yourself, as best you can, for your yet unborn child.

 

Please speak with your doctor as to your situation and seek his/ her advice. It will not be the first time he has heard this. trust me.

 

Where is your H now? Is he out of the house? Can your parents come and help you for awhile?

 

Take one step at a time. Focus on you! You can decide not to decide anything until you feel stronger, more centered, more in control to make a decision.

[NotCamelot]

First, I am so sorry that you are going through this......and especially with a baby on the way.

 

And, yes, how could he do that to you? I wonder too.

 

But..........How long have you known? How long was it going on? Is it still going on? What does you H want to do?

 

I can imagine your first thoughts are to call it quits. I can understand. I certainly am not going to tell you to "stay for the children". I think that is wrong as well if it is the only reason. At some point the children can tell if there is no love in the home.

 

I think you should take some time think all this through - with support. Your parents will understandably be biased.....they should. I think you should get some counseling to help you move on or work it out......

 

I guess I am saying.......take time to do what is right for you. Don't be rash. Move slowly. There is no hurry. Do not act out of anger...though I am sure you want to.

 

Make the moves that you will not regret later. And I know how hard that will be.

[HtotheN]

((((HUGS))))))) to you, Latte.

 

You are obviously a very strong woman and I commend you for your resolve thus far. I am the same way regarding either being "all in" or "all out" with trust.

 

I do not think that you are being rash, and I wish that I would have acted as quickly as you are - would have saved many years and prevented additional heartache.

 

Take care of yourself, your little one, and your little bean, and rely on your parents and friends as much as possible.

[Latte]

I did not expect so many responses so quickly. Thank you.

To answer the questions that were asked, I have known for about three weeks now. The first week I stayed at our place because I wanted to hear what he and that woman had to say and what he wanted/ what he was going to do now. The affair had been going on for about 4 months, but he knew her from before, she was a classmate of his. I started to feel suspicions by the time they were already 2 months into it.

 

I talked to them both separately. First I confronted my husband, before laying out the evidence. I asked him to tell me the truth, was he having an affair? He denied it until I showed him I had proof of everything. First he got angry that I had snooped on him. I nearly flew off the handle when he did this but I tried to stay really calm and told him he damn well knew how much I had trusted him and I wouldnt have resorted to this if I hadnt felt so awful. Then he started crying and rolling around and saying he was sorry, he loved me I didnt do anything wrong but this woman was coming on to him so bad and she was so seductive and made him feel so sexy and that he felt so good. To tell you the truth I was at a loss for words. You know what? During our marriage of 6 years I have had men come on to me, even when I was with my child. Sure it was flattering. Sure it made me feel attractive. But that didnt give me the right to forsake my marriage vows and go have affairs. I stayed firm, and decided to try to avoid situations where such temptations could occur because I loved and respected my family. I asked him what he wanted and he said he wanted to keep the family. I told him I was seriously considering divorce and he started crying and saying he would kill himself if that happened. By this time I couldnt take it anymore and asked him to please sleep on the couch I have had enough.

 

The next day he went to school looking like something the cat dragged in but frankly I was too angry to face him. I talked to HER as well. She came over and told me she was so sorry she didnt mean for it to go this far but she had been in really abusive relationships and that he made her happy and alive and attractive again, she just wanted to feel that, it was nothing please dont sue her please forgive her. She cried she begged. It was so hard not to listen without slapping her across the face. Did she show this pitiful side to my husband I wonder? When she wasnt being recorded cooing and flirting and saying things about her not wearing any underwear and how it would feel to have him inside her? As i write this I am still filled with so much rage it scares me. I cant erase the images of them naked and doing things behind my back. And the PI's work is right there as confirmation every time I want to deny it.

[Latte]

I forgot to mention.. I wanted to take my daughter and go home to my parents but she has pre school here and so I am actually at another relative's house where my parents have come in to help me out while we try get our heads around this..the relative doesnt know the details but I am sure she has an idea of what is going on..I left with my daughter because I found out husband tried to contact her once through email and after seeing the contents of the interaction I had to go.

 

Either my husband is stupid or thinks I am, but we kept the PI on work after d day. It has been expensive but he is making it worth it. This guy is a pro and got some people to put this software on our computer that logs everything someone does on it and my husband created a new email account to contact her and I now also have this printed. He was telling her to try to keep convincing me it was nothing but a fling that she just used him and that was it..that it was nothing emotional between them..that maybe later they would get to talk and find closure. she answered with i am so sorry what happened but thank you for giving me happy times and making me feel like a woman again but this has to stop, no more talking in school etc.

 

As I am writing this I think I know what I have to do. But it hurts so much I cant stand it. It hurts that they used my trust to do this under my very nose and it hurts so much that I had to resort to monitoring him and finding out like this. My pride and self esteem have been shattered and I feel so humiliated. And yes I did get checked for std's and it was so humiliating to have to ask for this and the way my doctor looked at me when I asked. I want to make them pay so badly and I am scared too.

 

I am trying to eat and sleep well because ever since the suspicions my blood pressure has been higher than it should be so I have been having to make more frequent trips to the doctor for monitoring.

 

Thank you again so much. It helps a little to just write this all out..

[ChooseTruth]

... my husband created a new email account to contact her and I now also have this printed. He was telling her to try to keep convincing me it was nothing but a fling that she just used him and that was it..that it was nothing emotional between them..that maybe later they would get to talk and find closure. ...

 

This a classic example of what we call "trickle truth" and it's fatally damaging to trust. It's impossible to reconcile or rebuild trust when someone is still lying. I'm so sorry this has happened to your new family =( It's not your fault and you are right you have to look after you at some point. Living with a spouse you can't trust and have to act like a snooping mother to is not something you should have to do. Try to use your anger for positive action. If it's driving the divorce forward, use it for that.

 

Why would he do this? My guess is selfish reasons, bad boundaries if he thinks it "just happened". Never let anyone try to make you think it was because of you. All marriages have issues, not all marriages have cheating.

 

Good luck and take care of yourself. Oh, I recommend a book called "Good Divorce" if you are into reading. It made a lot of difference in my divorce. Very painful to read, but so worth it.

[ladydesigner]

(((Latte))) I just want to offer you hugs.

 

You are very strong and I too wished I would have done things the way you did. In fact I would have gone through with filing for D as well because that can always be stopped if need be.

 

Look into the 180 to help you detach. Either way it will help YOU, whether you decide to reconcile or D.

 

I'm glad your family is being so supportive to you during a difficult time anyways (end of pregnancy) and throw this into the program

 

Also get tested for STD's ASAP!

 

Hang in there sweetie we are here for you!

[PoopHappens]

Why is it nearly always assumed by the cheating spouse that the BS is a dimwit? That they don't have the mental resources by themselves or through the help of others to gain ALL the truth? Good for you to do this. Bad for you to find out what you didn't want to know.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You are handling yourself quite well.

 

Remember that being strong does not mean that you don't cry, feel pain, feel loss. It means you get up. It mean that you don't let it limit you or define you.

 

You have done nothing that warrants a loss of self respect or pride.

 

Try not to let their dysfunction affect you. If the ow thinks that sleeping with a married man makes her a woman..it just shows how pointless it is to interact with her at all.

[Furious]

Latte

 

You are so smart and a great woman. Be proud of yourself for your determination to find the truth.. Your parents are truly supportive and I'm so glad they are there for you.

 

The anger and hurt you feel is huge and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

 

Continue taking care of your health for both you and your unborn child. Take things one day at a time. You are an intelligent woman who knows herself and I think you will make the right decisions for yourself and well being of your children.

 

Your husband is the lowest of the low. Men Who cheat on their pregnant wife deserve a special place in hell.

[Janesays]

Good for you, Latte. Hire an excellent lawyer and take them both to the freaking cleaners. Your sham of a marriage might be over, but you have the rest of your life before you. Focus on making that as WONDERFUL as possible.

 

Living well is always the best revenge.

[Jonah]

Latte,

 

I suffered the same humiliation of trusting my true love with her friend, was introduced and totally duped. So humiliating, I was quite the fool. "Just friends"... I was so naive.

 

Though you are obviously smarter, through your situation yours is the worst of all betrayals short of murder. Being that these people that you trusted are intelligent individuals thinking through all of this with sober minds and bringing it home to you this is the deepest and most hurtful of all evil. Please do the world a favor and see your legal channels through to the end and please do consider individual counseling. I am so sorry to read that you had the bad luck of getting tangled up with these evil people.

[Latte]

Thank you all for the replies once again, and also for the book recommendations.

 

I have spent the weekend thinking and thinking, and though I was afraid of what I would read over there, I spent time here on LS reading the OW/OM forums. I just wanted to know what really goes on in these people's minds when they decide to get involved in an affair. The recent one titled D-Day I was close to blasting the OP out but I think my anger would have been misdirected...so I refrained. I also realize that there are lots of different OW's out there, many of whom are also very regretful, or even stop the affair out of guilt.

 

But I still just can't understand why..and how..the OW in my case. Ok, validation, feeling like a woman. There are so many single men out there. Why could she not get "validation" of her womanhood by dating and sleeping with every available single Joe in the neighborhood? But why a married man? Why my husband? What makes them so freaking attractive that you would want to do this to a fellow woman? I tried to analyze it. I wasn't some unknown wife she only heard about through her married man. She knew me, she saw me interact with my husband. She was my friend. How could she believe his lies? How could she spend the day looking at me and talking to me and then in a blink of an eye go sleep with my husband? I feel like everything they say are just excuses.

 

And then as if that wasn't enough, how could my husband contact her even after I found out? He claims he still loves me, never stopped loving me, our marriage was fine, he slipped up, (he's been constantly contacting me and coming by where I am but I still don't want to see him right now) I can't help but think how much more is he hiding from me?

 

Yes, I am definitely considering counseling; this is all really too much to bear and I just can't stop thinking about it and analyzing and wondering why I was so stupid. How I could be so stupid. I am sorry if I seem to be beating this into the ground but it's like this broken record going around and around in my head and I can't get it to stop..did you all feel this way too?

[Latte]

You know what really hurts and angers me most of all?

If all goes "easy" for her, she'll get to walk away and put this behind her.

My family is about to fall apart just because the two of them had to "validate" their sexiness. My four year old is starting to ask why our sleepover at Auntie's is lasting so long and when her dad is going to be home from work. And I want to kill them both all over again.

 

I was also amazed reading the threads here at how similar many of our married men act when they are caught. Seems many of them all say the OW meant nothing and even ask them to tell the wives that it was nothing. So basically, when they are busy in heat with the OW, the wife means nothing. And then when they are caught, the OW means nothing? But please help me here , what was his reason for contacting her AGAIN after he knew how upset I was? You can be as truthful as you can be, I can handle it.

 

Thank you again for letting me vent and I will get back with any updates when I can. In the meantime I'll keep reading and do a lot more thinking.

[EmmaB]

Sounds like a truly horrible situation... I think sometimes (many of the posters wont agree with this) but sometimes you should always stick to your first, rash decision because that's the reaction to the pain and hurt caused...

 

I know it sounds weird, but I know a few cheaters and a few women who have been OWs, none of which I associate with anymore. Cheating is a disgusting act and no chance would I want some woman who happily goes around sleeping with other peoples men anywhere near me, not out of worry for my relationship but out of worry for my reputation.

 

I believe if you allow things to go round in your head, you could end up justifying your WS's actions... Or doing like I did....

 

I stayed with a cheating partner, just so the OW couldn't have him, no emotions... Just game-playing, I had nothing better to do after all lol

 

Just don't let your emotions cloud your judgement, do you think he will do this again with her or someone else, another friend of yours maybe? Are you even going to give him the chance to?

 

Drag him through court, DO NOT have sex with him (the court could see it as you forgiving him) keep your evidence close to your chest and don't completely show your hand. Let him wonder and worry, like he did to you...

 

Keep evidence of him opening a new account, spending your marital and children's money for some easy sex, but overall... Make sure you have a good support system.... The OW is probably comforting him right now keep that in mind.

 

Hope it all goes well

 

Xxxx

[lollipopspot]

It's so low to cheat on your pregnant wife. Such a vulnerable time. WTH was he thinking? It's very selfish on his part.

 

You know what really hurts and angers me most of all?

If all goes "easy" for her, she'll get to walk away and put this behind her.

 

It seems to me that you are focusing a lot on this woman. It seems like a distraction. She's nothing to you. The hurt and anger is more understandably directed towards the man who promised a future with you (that should at least have lasted a few years past the births of your children - people at least ought to be able to put in that much effort towards making the relationship work after procreating).

 

I think relationships can survive affairs, but this one isn't very understandable to me in the context of what you have said (i.e. it doesn't sound as though the marriage was broken down in other ways), so he sounds like a guy who is likely to do this again. Whatever you decide, I wish you well.

[crederer]

"by this time my instincts were screaming but I didn't want to aknowledge them"

 

Aaaaarg I know that feeling all too well. It's like accepting how you poured your heart and soul and everything into the relationship and there it is, staring you in the face.....the end of it all.

 

Cheaters are the worst. I'm sorry Op, I really have no advice to offer but just to let you know you're not alone in it.

[Jonah]

How I could be so stupid. I am sorry if I seem to be beating this into the ground but it's like this broken record going around and around in my head and I can't get it to stop..did you all feel this way too?

 

Latte, Your being a mom, carrying child, got to know the OP... Yours has got to be the hardest ever to go through. Please know that like the rest here on LS my soul wishes you peace and comfort in this tough time.

 

I hope it would help to share that I was betrayed in much the same way as you. Four months, that was about it. From my experience the worst part is how stupid I was through it all. Deep in denial even when reality was plain as day. When you wrote of how you wanted to pretend that it just wasn't true but had the PI evidence right before you so you couldn't... in the end that's how it was for me too.

 

But I really was in deep in denial. But I just don't see how you were... so why are you feeling stupid? Everyone that reads your posts says that they are so proud of you and I wish I could have been like you. Not acting out, keeping your cool, nailing the problem down with quick precision.

 

What you say about the broken record... Me too. I think... trying to figure out what went wrong? Wishing I could break in and change the past, make it right. It's terrible. Try to explain that to your H and he will look at you like you are from mars. He will never "get it".

 

Jonah

[lindsay1990]

Latte,

 

feeling stupid is uncalled for. It was your husband and I think no one has it in them to prepare for this sort of thing. As your husband, you had every reason to trust him and give him the benefit of the doubt. The fact that you were blind-sided by this is but a testament to your position, thinking from you yourself being faithful and trusting.

 

There are many answers you will never get, though. At one point I think you will just have to make decisions when you feel you know enough and not just about the actual affair, but also about your husband's character and his actions/reactions to this whole thing.

 

I believe you have done everything right, whatever you do after you have shown the utmost integrity and are an example to both your kids. However, if you do decide to divorce, I think you should definitely sue them and HER. The law is there for your benefit, and I would take it to the fullest extent against the people who jeopardized your family.

[Spark1111]

Latte I too came to LS trying to understand the mindset of a woman who would do this to another, let alone children, let alone a pregnant mother as in your case.

 

I was gobsmacked to learn the OW in my sitch was hurt by a philandering husband who divorced her to marry his last AP. Woman to woman, I could not wrap my head around how she could do to me EXACTLY what had been done to her.

 

She, better than most, knew the pain she would inflict on me.....and simply did not care.

 

I will NEVER be convinced that seducing a MM does not empower these women on some level and satisfy some need for revenge as when a victim goes on to become the abuser of another.

[peaksandvalleys]

Dear Loveshack people, I am not in a very sound state of mind right now so I hope this is the correct forum in which I am writing my first post.

 

I am a 29 year old married mother of a 4 year old girl and son along the way (I am eight months along now). I come here to this anonymous board because I am my wits end and I could use some advice and support; my parents know of what happened but I am frankly too embarrassed to tell people that I know...I hope you understand this embarrassment??

 

I have found out my husband has been having an affair with a fellow younger classmate (he is a little older than me but in school to finish his studies). A classmate that I know. A classmate that he brought over to our house for meals, tea, hw, what not. A classmate who sat on my sofa and ate my food, played with my child, helped me shop. A fellow woman who gained my complete trust and I thought I had made a wonderful friend.

 

I am someone that when I trust, I trust completely with my heart soul and mind. And this is how I was with my husband. No checking the phone, no questioning who he was out with or where he was, I trusted him and I thought we had the most wonderful marriage, physically and emotionally.

And I never had reason to mistrust him..

 

But several months ago, I started to feel that "something is wrong" twinge. It wasn't as if anything had changed between my husband and I, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was feeling so..strange. I brushed it off at first to maybe hormones due to the pregnancy but that weird feeling wouldn't leave me alone. And I am not someone who is irrational or anything like that so I trusted my gut was telling me something..so I started to be more on alert about my husband.

 

First, the phone bill was higher than the usual. I mean that could happen, but again, that nagging feeling. I kept an eye on further bills. Then a notice in the mail about an unfamiliar Citibank account being opened. Now the alarm bells started to ring. Of course I confronted my husband "what is this?" He answered that he had a "friend" who was having financial problems and he had opened an account for "him" and gave "him" a card to help "him" but didn't tell me because he thought I would worry. By this time my instincts were screaming but I so did not want to acknowledge them. I was scared to.

 

I was getting very upset. But I tried to remain calm and not let him know I had caught on to something. This was so hard, but I tried my damndest (I would take aimless walks around the park with my daughter just to regain my composure).

 

I went and got a more detailed list of my husband's phone records (luckily this was easier than I thought) and noticed the same cell number being dialed over and over. For hours and hours. Every single day for the past three, four months. HER number. I made photocopies and I also made photocopies of the bank account and the address. By this time I couldn't handle this alone and notified my parents and sent them the photocopies and explained my suspicions. My parents were shaken but told me to stay calm and that they would help me.

 

My parents decided to help me hire a PI to really get the evidence, since what we had now could just be brushed off as suspicions.

 

The PI confirmed everything. Pictures, recordings, address on the bank account was hers, card, hers, phone number belonged to address on bank account. Trysts at her place when they were supposed to be at school, the list goes on and on.

 

I know my personality more than anything and I know I will not be able to live with this man again. When I trust I trust. When that gets abused, I go in the exact opposite direction and my heart is closed forever. I am preparing for a divorce and hopefully I will have enough evidence to bring him down and where I live there is a law against the Other Woman/Man when there has been sexual consensual intercourse with the cheating person. I intend to sue her too. After the PI, I did confront them both and they are both saying it "just happened" it made him feel good, she couldn't help herself, sorry oh so sorry. Oh and though I was pregnant my husband and I were still having active sex but he told her we weren't sleeping together or talking much. We were doing both. Lies. All lies.

 

I am in so much pain. And I try not to feel it for there is my son who will be born in two months and I try to eat and sleep and think good thoughts for his sake but the fact remains. This is killing me inside. He's going to be born without a dad by his side and I feel pain thinking of what my little girl has to go through...but I'd rather be a good and devoted mom than keep the family unit facade and be dying inside, which will eventually rub off on my children.

 

Please I can use some support. Any advice. Am I being too rash on this. Do I need to give this some time. I want to kill them both. I want to publicly humiliate them on Facebook. I want to publicize my entire divorce proceedings so they can be seen as the scum they are. But will that make me feel better in the long run? Is it worth it? And sometimes I just can't help but blame myself. Why did he cheat? How could he do this to me? How could she do this to me?

 

Thank you for reading this, I am sorry it got so long but I just needed to write this somewhere.

 

Audrey

 

So sorry you find yourself going through this. I am in a similar position. I hate it.