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Time to share my story


atreides

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I feel I should be consistent with what I preach in my posts, after all I think the point of posting is for help, education and to learn a thing or two, thus why I joined LS to begin with.

 

I have been married for 15 years, 3 kids from 2 – 9; moreover, we met in college and now in our late 30’s. We have had to overcome cultural, language and religious differences out of the gate to make our marriage work. It is unbelievable when I look back and think about it.

 

The first time I started to worry about infidelity was a little over 4 years ago. It never crossed my mind before, because my wife has always been a bit of a prude, very shy and from a very small town in a Central American country where she constantly has preached and maintained a very high moral standard. I only say she is from a “small town” because she reminds me of that as attribute she is proud of from time to time when equating it to having good morals. Also, my wife was a virgin when I met her, while I was known as a bit of a “player” something she used to remind me of, not so much anymore.

 

As for our marriage, it’s not perfect and extremely tough at times, we both were still in college when our first was born. She wanted kids much earlier… I should preface that in say we got married at 23 and she wanted kids right away. I argued back that we should wait at least until we were 28. I figured we would be college graduated by then and have a career. Instead I found a career first and went to college at night for several years. I was in the Marines (before i met my wife), so I got a late start on college.

 

We have had very hard financial times, still recovering at the moment. Another thing is she always wanted to be a housewife but has had to work. She argues it is how she was raised where I was raised with two parents working. Like I said we have had to overcome a lot of differences. You may ask yourself that with so many differences why on earth would we get married…? All I can say is that we fell hard for each other and it never mattered, the arguments just spiced things up.

 

So back to 4 years ago: We were at a party, I like to drink and proudly can say.. I have never done anything stupid…. well back in the Marines there was the one time the whole lot of us got kicked out of the base bar…. Lol good times. I digress. So my wife had a lot to drink, so she uses to her defense… I had gone on a beer run with my friend and came back to a very different wife. I learned that one of my other friends there had left because my wife kissed him. Then another guy came over and said my wife tried to kiss him as well. So I went looking for her, it was a big house.. but she was in the backyard. Yep she was a bit drunk but when she saw me, she looked at me straight and stuck her tongue out at me as in to be disgusted with me. Ok, so I sit down and try to grab her hand but she pulled away, looked at me again and said “she did not want me.” She then proceeded to my best friend who was also trying to calm her down and she proceeded to sit on his lap and stare straight at me then licked his ear and tried to move in for a kiss to where he appropriately pushed her off and got up to help me sit her somewhere to sober her up. What makes matters worse is her mother calls, she lives with us… I love her very much… so there is no issue with that other than that she is VERY old school and keeps tabs on her daughter as if she is still 15 years old. It drives my wife crazy. So I had to talk to her and assure her that her daughter is ok while at the same time asking my wife WTF??? My wife to this day says she cannot remember and that alcohol made her do stupid things. She apologized over and over for that night too but there was another night. This night was with a different group of friends at a night club where I caught my wife taking the phone number of a strange guy where again she had too much to drink. The drive home was one of the worst arguments where I had to pull over and she felt so proud of herself getting the phone number of a strange guy and again professed that she did not want me and wanted a D.

 

Ok, so the next morning was another apology and that she admitted to being crazy and to never mix redbull with x alcohol and blah blah. She professed her love over and over.

That prompted a very serious talk where I questioned if she wanted to remain in the marriage and that we could split up and go our separate ways. The last thing I wanted was a marriage based on false feelings and lies. She went out of her way to convince me that there was no one else ever and how gross it was and that I am the man for her. Keep in mind this is the same wife that would get jealous of other women looking at me at night clubs to where we could not go to a certain demographic of night club. The same wife that years before when she got piss drunk got horny as hell and was all over me vs the new wife that was disgusted with me.

So after our serious talk, she never drank like that again, something she wanted to do as a promise to me and she has kept it. I however was torn to pieces, I to this day I cannot get out of my mind how she stared at me with disgust and tried to make out with my BF in front of me. The thing of it is I never questioned whether she had an affair, even at that point. There were no other signs I could see at that time, like phone issues or late or early nights and so forth, unless it was during her 30 min lunch break but I was not really looking either. She has always worried about me cheating and says, “that is what men do” we are “pigs.” She does come from a divorced family where her father was a huge abusive to her mother SOB and she was raised by just her mother who never re-married. Anyway, I was more worried on how she felt about us, that she had checked out from me.

 

Anyway, time goes by and close friends and family start getting D’s from infidelity, I mean a lot of people we knew. Some stories, I could not believe the length that some of the women had carried on an A without the H knowing. It started to freak me out because much of what the BHs had said was very similar to my own situation with my wife at times. Then I overheard my sister-in-law talking with my wife about infidelity and the context was more wishful thinking but they entertained the idea and both ended on how men are pigs. I will admit, my brother-in-law one time asked me how many mistresses I had been with. I said none, and he could not believe it, he wanted me to have a mistress, he said it is healthy and he said a line I will never forget, “they help keep your compass pointing north.” Whoa, “dude, she is your sister” I said. He just patted me on my back and said “keep your compass pointing north.” I had said more, but those are the lines that stick out most. Anyway with all the affairs uncovered in our circles and how secretive and similar circumstances, I started to worry. I paid attention but nothing I could pick up on other than my own worry.

 

Then last year, out of the blue she asked me about swinging but the context was more about “what was it” as she heard it on the radio. But she knew more about it than let on and asked if it was something I was interested in, so I indulged her later on only for her to say, she was disgusted about it and she wouldn’t bring it up again.

Then a year ago, another couple we knew gets a D from the W having a 6 year A… my wife was sure to look at me and say “I would never do that to you” it was just strange how that came out of the blue as well. It’s not the first thing I would say and did not read much more into it at the time.

 

Recently I have lost a lot of weight and become a fitness nut and got her to join up too recently; but, at that time I work at night and went to the gym in the wee hours and heard more horror stories of wives cheating and such. It’s hard to hear without putting ideas in one’s head but what it did do is further make me reflect on my own marriage and try to break the mundane of life and a 15 year marriage and make it new again, to basically make my marriage better. That is what lead me here, a google search to see relationship advise and bam, LS showed up.

I find what everyone here shares regarding infidelity very informative and helpful. It seems like so many around me have fallen to it, and it has only emboldened me to make my marriage stronger.

Edited by atreides
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Wow that's so scary. Women scare me....I think most of them have no idea how vulnerable they are. At least you've never found proof of an actual affair. That seems to be good :) I'm sorry for your distrust though, I wish we could all be worry free... Have you talked to your wife recently about your understandable anxiety over this issue?

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If you are suspicious, I would spy on her. Phone records, online accounts, text messages etc. All the info is publically available online on how to do this. Do not tell her what you are doing. Once you are satisfied she is clean, you should phase this out. However, do not spy more than is necessary to satisfy your legitimate concerns of her cheating.

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Wow that's so scary. Women scare me....I think most of them have no idea how vulnerable they are. At least you've never found proof of an actual affair. That seems to be good :) I'm sorry for your distrust though, I wish we could all be worry free... Have you talked to your wife recently about your understandable anxiety over this issue?

 

During the times, i had real worry and doubt, i did a little checking but found nothing. What get's you going is the stories guys would tell me in how clever their wives were which basically means, you would have to look hard for some of them to have caught their wives... many eventually slipped up..

 

That's a little bug that nags at you. But i decided to just make the marriage stronger the best i can and if i still lose in the end, i at least gave it my best. She has not drank since the last time and does not go out at all. Her choice.

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If you are suspicious, I would spy on her. Phone records, online accounts, text messages etc. All the info is publically available online on how to do this. Do not tell her what you are doing. Once you are satisfied she is clean, you should phase this out. However, do not spy more than is necessary to satisfy your legitimate concerns of her cheating.

 

I have had many sit downs with her to test consistency of her explanations on how she feels with me. I want to make sure she is emotionally still with me. So far so good. When i have worried in the past, i came up with nothing. But as i have said before, the stories i have heard as to how clever cheaters can be.

 

As for phones and text, it's all open book, no passwords with either of us, we both use each other's phones, the kids do as well. Also i am a programmer, nothing gets through my routers that i do not know about. I could go all out spy, but i just rather test her emotional state and work on easing my concerns with great feedback from her and keep building.

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This is such an odd story. Some people say when people are drunk it lowers their inhibitions and they engage in activities that they desire to do. She has friends where they talk about infidelity. It sounds like you are O.K. for now. There is an old saying that many people are as faithful as their opportunities.

 

I would be very worry that some time in the future that your wife may be with her toxic friends and drink and engage in activities that would be destructive to your marriage. The previous examples you gave were so humiliating and disrespectful to you. Something seems so very odd about all of this. I just have a hunch you do not know everything as of yet but I do wish you luck.

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This is such an odd story. Some people say when people are drunk it lowers their inhibitions and they engage in activities that they desire to do. She has friends where they talk about infidelity. It sounds like you are O.K. for now. There is an old saying that many people are as faithful as their opportunities.

 

I would be very worry that some time in the future that your wife may be with her toxic friends and drink and engage in activities that would be destructive to your marriage. The previous examples you gave were so humiliating and disrespectful to you. Something seems so very odd about all of this. I just have a hunch you do not know everything as of yet but I do wish you luck.

 

 

 

Perhaps, i agree about your opportunities statement. What may i ask seems odd? Maybe i left too many holes in my story?

 

This is such an odd story. Some people say when people are drunk it lowers their inhibitions and they engage in activities that they desire to do.

 

This frightened me the most. It was very disrespectful and i gave her hell for it, she has not repeated or given any disrespect since then though.

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compulsivedancer
This is such an odd story. Some people say when people are drunk it lowers their inhibitions and they engage in activities that they desire to do. She has friends where they talk about infidelity. It sounds like you are O.K. for now. There is an old saying that many people are as faithful as their opportunities.

 

I would be very worry that some time in the future that your wife may be with her toxic friends and drink and engage in activities that would be destructive to your marriage. The previous examples you gave were so humiliating and disrespectful to you. Something seems so very odd about all of this. I just have a hunch you do not know everything as of yet but I do wish you luck.

 

I kind of agree with this. It doesn't sounds like she's cheating (yet), but if she goes out and drinks regularly, she probably will (probably of the ONS variety - although if this drunken behavior happens regularly, she may have done this already). Sooner or later the opportunity will arise and she'll take it.

 

When you're married young and naive and a virgin, sometimes you feel like you're missing out. It sounds like this is what's happening with her.

 

I think, bottom line, she shouldn't be drinking, as she can't handle herself while she's drunk, or if she does drink, she needs to be with companions you trust. (Kudos, btw, that your friends all turned her down. It's good that you have friends you can trust)

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(Kudos, btw, that your friends all turned her down. It's good that you have friends you can trust)

 

Yea, my friends have been great. My best friend who pushed her off and helped me was cheated on 3 times by his ex (first by his best friend at the time), he forgave the first 2 times. I miss him though, he moved to AZ chasing a highschool fling.

 

I kind of agree with this. It doesn't sounds like she's cheating (yet), but if she goes out and drinks regularly, she probably will (probably of the ONS variety - although if this drunken behavior happens regularly, she may have done this already). Sooner or later the opportunity will arise and she'll take it.

 

That's what worries me most, they say the truth is shown when the guards are taken down by booze. So i am trying to build a stronger relationship and hope it's not in vain. My goal is to get back whatever has been lost if i can, she used to be all over me when she got drunk before, but not the latter years. She has to her credit not gotten drunk since and that is about 3 years ago. She refuses to drink anything past one drink, a limit she promised me and herself.

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I guess what I find disturbing is that she deliberately engaged in behavior to demean, disrespect and humiliate you in front of your face. To me this shows a great deal of anger and contempt toward you. You previously said her mother is living with you. Do you think she does not wish to destroy the present arrangement she has? I just think her clear contempt toward you is a horrible sign in these incidents.

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Yea, my friends have been great. My best friend who pushed her off and helped me was cheated on 3 times by his ex (first by his best friend at the time), he forgave the first 2 times. I miss him though, he moved to AZ chasing a highschool fling.

 

 

 

That's what worries me most, they say the truth is shown when the guards are taken down by booze. So i am trying to build a stronger relationship and hope it's not in vain. My goal is to get back whatever has been lost if i can, she used to be all over me when she got drunk before, but not the latter years. She has to her credit not gotten drunk since and that is about 3 years ago. She refuses to drink anything past one drink, a limit she promised me and herself.

 

It could be that the drinking incident was a big wake up call. We all have potential to cheat, and she learned a boundary that is extremely dangerous for her. Probably a good thing that you were there and had this experience the way it went down. It probably could have been a lot worse, and it sounds like you both learned from it, no matter how hard it was.

 

She's safer now because she realizes her own vulnerability. I think that's a massive step.

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I guess what I find disturbing is that she deliberately engaged in behavior to demean, disrespect and humiliate you in front of your face. To me this shows a great deal of anger and contempt toward you. You previously said her mother is living with you. Do you think she does not wish to destroy the present arrangement she has? I just think her clear contempt toward you is a horrible sign in these incidents.

 

Yep, that is why i gave her hell about it. Her lame excuse of which i told her is not acceptable is that "she does not remember" that night. We have had many fights over her behavior. As for her mom, she would simply go back to her country as her sister and oldest brother live there. The thought however has crossed my mind. I gave her an out a few years back after the 2nd ordeal, I was so disgusted, but she did not take it and professed love and asked for forgiveness. We had a date night last week however and she brought up her behavior those nights and did her best to assure me of her love for me and that it has been a hard and long road.

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It could be that the drinking incident was a big wake up call. We all have potential to cheat, and she learned a boundary that is extremely dangerous for her. Probably a good thing that you were there and had this experience the way it went down. It probably could have been a lot worse, and it sounds like you both learned from it, no matter how hard it was.

 

She's safer now because she realizes her own vulnerability. I think that's a massive step.

 

Perhaps, but that 2nd time, it was a complete stranger at a club we were at together. I mean, here we are with our friends, i go and get drinks, she already had a few and come back to her getting this guys number. We left after that, i was enraged and it was a huge fight. She was actually boasting how she got a guys number and that i should watch out. After that fight and things were calmer, i had a very serious talk where D was on the table and gave her an out as i did not want to live in a lie.

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Have you asked her how she would feel if you did this to her? Why is it okay for her to treat you this way?

 

What were her consequences for her behavior so that she will know what will happen if it happens again?

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Perhaps, but that 2nd time, it was a complete stranger at a club we were at together. I mean, here we are with our friends, i go and get drinks, she already had a few and come back to her getting this guys number. We left after that, i was enraged and it was a huge fight. She was actually boasting how she got a guys number and that i should watch out. After that fight and things were calmer, i had a very serious talk where D was on the table and gave her an out as i did not want to live in a lie.

Ouch so it sounds like your threat to D was a wake up call then. As sucky as it was, it does sound like she learned a boundary. I agree that it would have been better if she had volunteered to be better and did it out of love instead of being beaten down by a threat which is what it sounds like now.:(

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Have you asked her how she would feel if you did this to her? Why is it okay for her to treat you this way?

 

What were her consequences for her behavior so that she will know what will happen if it happens again?

 

oh yes, i got a lot of apologies and of course she said she would not tolerate it if i did the same and again she apologized over and over. She said it was not ok to treat me that way ans gives the excuse of not remembering it happening. We had many huge fights over that night but the 2nd time it occurred was very serious where D was on the table. Since then she has kept her promise of very limited drinking if any at all. So while these events happened around 4 years ago, since then which is about almost 3 years, she has been behaved.

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Ouch so it sounds like your threat to D was a wake up call then. As sucky as it was, it does sound like she learned a boundary. I agree that it would have been better if she had volunteered to be better and did it out of love instead of being beaten down by a threat which is what it sounds like now.:(

 

Agreed, perhaps it was not the best way to handle or get a more sincere outcome from her. it was the hand dealt at the time.

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Agreed, perhaps it was not the best way to handle or get a more sincere outcome from her. it was the hand dealt at the time.

FWIW I think you did the right thing.

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bubbaganoosh

I wouldn't feel bad if I were you. The woman had to learn what boundaries are and at least she had the common sense to know that she was crossing the line although she seems to do the most damage when she's drunk and if it were me, I would make sure that when you two go out that you keep an eye on how much she drinks because it's really hard to be reasonable with someone who is drunk and it seems from what you have said that she's a mean drunk.

 

One other thing, the next time she brings up the thing about men being pigs, let her read some of the threads from the infidelity section on this forum. Maybe she'll see that women don't walk on water either. If that doesn't work, tell her that maybe she doesn't remember when she acted like an a$$ and what she did but you still remember and it still hurts.

 

So much for small towns.

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Strange? Much of your post sounded eerily similar to me. My ex is Latin, large family, small town. Lots of heated interaction, manipulation and stress between her and her siblings. Lots of skeletons in the closet. At one point, she was the only sister still married and she felt guilty about that.

 

Drinking, cheating and drama was her family heritage. Meanness too. Lots of loathing for men shared between the women. I always wondered why she treated me so poorly in front of her family. When I asked, she said "I know...I'm sorry". When her mother (lead patriarch) died, the wheels came off. Noticing how she was acting once at a family wedding reception, one of her older brothers took me aside. "Once and awhile you've got to give her one of these" showing me his balled-up fist. Saying I would never punch a woman, he shrugged. "Then she'll never respect you."

 

The rest, looking back, happened predictably. As you might imagine atreides, it sure didn't start that way. Our romance was steamy hot and moved very quickly. I mistakenly assumed she felt that way about me. The truth is, she just felt that way. Does that make sense?

 

I'm not suggesting you're me and your wife is like my ex. I am saying this demographic is common among Latin families, as are the actions within.

 

Your truth is, her issues were in place long before you came along. I'd bet real money there's a underlying tension between her and her family that drives many of her actions and decisions. More than anything, what bothered me about your post was her saying she wanted a divorce. The back and forth yo-yo emotions suggest she's battling something. My guess? She's struggling between staying true to you, and true to herself.

 

Or her 'heritage'.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but you may one day grow weary of sleeping with one eye open. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Something is, but you can only 'fix' what you control. No marriage is perfect. She showed you something she wanted you to see. The question is, why?

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Strange? Much of your post sounded eerily similar to me. My ex is Latin, large family, small town. Lots of heated interaction, manipulation and stress between her and her siblings. Lots of skeletons in the closet. At one point, she was the only sister still married and she felt guilty about that.

 

Yes, my wife is latin... the family had a bad divorce when she was 5. She has 3 siblings, but they are all very close and were never split up. They all lived with their mother as the father abandoned them with his mistress and fled to the U.S. However today, the father is back in the picture with two more daughters with his new wife.

 

Drinking, cheating and drama was her family heritage. Meanness too. Lots of loathing for men shared between the women.

 

Her dad was a drunk, her older brothers suffered his wrath. She has one younger sister that knows nothing, she was too young. The two sisters do share a "all men are pigs" mantra though.

 

 

I always wondered why she treated me so poorly in front of her family. When I asked, she said "I know...I'm sorry".

 

She has always been a saint with me, her family very welcoming but her mom suspicious of "Americans." She however lives with us and treats me as i am her son. My wife has never shown disrespect to me in front of any of them. My own family however has and my wife early in our marriage went to bat for me without me knowing saying she would not put up with my family's insults. They sadly back then were very bigoted... that has changed though.

 

When her mother (lead patriarch) died, the wheels came off.

 

I fear that day, it will devastate and send her family into chaos and for me would be like losing a mother.

 

Noticing how she was acting once at a family wedding reception, one of her older brothers took me aside. "Once and awhile you've got to give her one of these" showing me his balled-up fist. Saying I would never punch a woman, he shrugged. "Then she'll never respect you."

 

I never had that said to me, just to have a mistress to keep my "compass pointing north" as my bro-in-law said.

 

The rest, looking back, happened predictably. As you might imagine atreides, it sure didn't start that way. Our romance was steamy hot and moved very quickly. I mistakenly assumed she felt that way about me. The truth is, she just felt that way. Does that make sense?

 

Yes, if i understand, it was the position she felt that away about which anyone could have filled vs you being unique from the "position."

 

I'm not suggesting you're me and your wife is like my ex. I am saying this demographic is common among Latin families, as are the actions within.

 

I hear ya, the meanness she had towards me when drunk was unlike anything i have seen or heard from others. It was devastating. Moreover, it as you stated, it never started like that, as in the first 10 years, when drunk she would be all over me. Loved that. This is why after the first drunk episode, while it was devastating to me, i brushed it aside for bigger issues and that it would be a one time thing. When it happened a second time is when i got serious.

 

 

Your truth is, her issues were in place long before you came along. I'd bet real money there's a underlying tension between her and her family that drives many of her actions and decisions. More than anything, what bothered me about your post was her saying she wanted a divorce. The back and forth yo-yo emotions suggest she's battling something. My guess? She's struggling between staying true to you, and true to herself.

 

Or her 'heritage'.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but you may one day grow weary of sleeping with one eye open. Your gut is telling you something is wrong. Something is, but you can only 'fix' what you control. No marriage is perfect. She showed you something she wanted you to see. The question is, why?

 

That's it on the nail, my gut is telling me something. SOmething is wrong, but i can't pin it down. She exhibits no other signs and after a long serious talk we had a year ago, she has gotten more affectionate with me. My gut is still bothered though. It's not the same somehow.

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BeholdtheMan
I learned that one of my other friends there had left because my wife kissed him. Then another guy came over and said my wife tried to kiss him as well. So I went looking for her, it was a big house.. but she was in the backyard. Yep she was a bit drunk but when she saw me, she looked at me straight and stuck her tongue out at me as in to be disgusted with me. Ok, so I sit down and try to grab her hand but she pulled away, looked at me again and said “she did not want me.” She then proceeded to my best friend who was also trying to calm her down and she proceeded to sit on his lap and stare straight at me then licked his ear and tried to move in for a kiss to where he appropriately pushed her off and got up to help me sit her somewhere to sober her up.

 

My wife to this day says she cannot remember and that alcohol made her do stupid things. She apologized over and over for that night too but there was another night. This night was with a different group of friends at a night club where I caught my wife taking the phone number of a strange guy where again she had too much to drink. The drive home was one of the worst arguments where I had to pull over and she felt so proud of herself getting the phone number of a strange guy and again professed that she did not want me and wanted a D.

 

Ok, so the next morning was another apology and that she admitted to being crazy and to never mix redbull with x alcohol and blah blah. She professed her love over and over

...and you're still with this woman? I have lost all respect for you
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I'm not even one of the Man Up crew (though their advice is often solid) but holy sh*t this is so disrespectful. Right in front of your face. Alcohol or not, there's no excuse. This would have been a blow up moment for me and no reconciliation possible. It was a direct display of contempt for you.

 

It was a huge blow up moment... she had contempt... no argument... piss drunk or not, we had it out. Nothing since the 2nd time but at the time we had 2 kids and we worked it out overtime.

She became a mean drunk... i grew up with an alcoholic father, so I've been there done that. There is nor will be a 3rd chance and she knows it.

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...and you're still with this woman? I have lost all respect for you

 

I appreciate the bluntness, with 2 kids... i listened to her lame defense but mostly listened to what the other witnesses, my friends at the party had to say when i was out on the run. The homeowner attested the amount she had and most witnessed her out of her mind, she claims no memory, she did exhibit "zone out".. wouldn't respond to her name and so on... she also blabbed a lot about other stuff... not about me but about life. She did not get a pass, I went as far as D over the episodes.

 

She has no other chances and she knows it and has been clean for going on 3 years now.

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