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How to get couples to learn about infidelity before marriage?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 27th September 2013, 8:46 PM   #1
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How to get couples to learn about infidelity before marriage?

I literally don't know, other than trying to teach your own kids.

I was very resistant to this topic, thinking I wouldn't end up with someone who would do that, and certainly that I would never. The truth is most people who cheat never thought they would.

I wish we could make "Not Just Friends" or "His Needs Her Needs" required marriage reading material or something...

How do you motivate hopeful young people to look at this scary topic? I only became motivated when I was put into the most painful situation of my life and learning was the only way out.
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Old 27th September 2013, 8:47 PM   #2
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I don't get it.... learn what about infidelity?
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Old 27th September 2013, 9:07 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by miss_jaclynrae View Post
I don't get it.... learn what about infidelity?
Precautions to take. What to do when it happens. Ever read "Not Just Friends"?

(btw I see you are the age I wish I could travel back in time to...and learn what I know now)

Last edited by ChooseTruth; 27th September 2013 at 9:13 PM..
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Old 27th September 2013, 9:13 PM   #4
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Precautions to take. What to do when it happens. Ever read "Not Just Friends"?
I don't think anyone can or should prepare for infidelity.
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Old 27th September 2013, 9:28 PM   #5
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I think a person should prepare their kids for being a good marriage partner themselves, and educate them on what qualities to look for in a prospective spouse that would be more likely to lead to a happy and successful marriage. I think people should educate their children on how to treat their future spouse. And, of course, educating through example, on how to treat a spouse well and protect and honor one's marriage is helpful. I wouldn't suggest educating them on signs of infidelity. I would emphasize the importance of trust in a marriage, and the importance of nurturing and protecting one's marriage, and how that might be done. Those would be good lessons to learn from a parent, to prepare a child for someday being a good marriage partner and choosing a partner wisely.
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Old 27th September 2013, 9:29 PM   #6
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I don't think anyone can or should prepare for infidelity.
Then that statement along with your age makes you exactly the type of person I'm trying to reach. People who think they aren't vulnerable are the most vulnerable because you don't protect yourself. You could find yourself in an affair even though you never dreamed you would do it. Or your spouse could end up in one and you blindly ignore all the signs until it's way too late. You might not take care of your relationship the way you should, tempting someone who doesn't safeguard themselves against an affair to have one. Marriage is a really really big deal and there's plenty you can do to prepare. Billions of people have done this and failed..it's not an easy thing to stay in and always be happy. Being a woman, have you ever considered the possibility that you might eventually be attracted to someone else besides your husband while your primary relationship's butterflies have gone away? (sorry I don't know if you are married actually)

Last edited by ChooseTruth; 27th September 2013 at 9:33 PM..
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Old 27th September 2013, 9:50 PM   #7
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I've had 3 boyfriends, 2 of them cheated.

I was always aware of cheating and aware of the vulnerability. That didn't help me one bit. Knowing it could happen didn't make it any less hurtful and didn't make me capable of preventing it.


I don't think those guys were raised wrong either. They had a good upbringing, were taught wrong and right by their parents, but still chose wrong. Because that's what people do sometimes.


All the knowledge and preparation and awareness in the world won't stop people from doing dumb things sometimes.
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Old 27th September 2013, 9:57 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by ChooseTruth View Post
Then that statement along with your age makes you exactly the type of person I'm trying to reach. People who think they aren't vulnerable are the most vulnerable because you don't protect yourself. You could find yourself in an affair even though you never dreamed you would do it. Or your spouse could end up in one and you blindly ignore all the signs until it's way too late. You might not take care of your relationship the way you should, tempting someone who doesn't safeguard themselves against an affair to have one. Marriage is a really really big deal and there's plenty you can do to prepare. Billions of people have done this and failed..it's not an easy thing to stay in and always be happy. Being a woman, have you ever considered the possibility that you might eventually be attracted to someone else besides your husband while your primary relationship's butterflies have gone away? (sorry I don't know if you are married actually)


I HAVE been married, and he DID cheat.
Still don't think it is something that people can or should be educated on.
As Phoe stated, people do dumb things.
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:04 PM   #9
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I've had 3 boyfriends, 2 of them cheated.

I was always aware of cheating and aware of the vulnerability. That didn't help me one bit. Knowing it could happen didn't make it any less hurtful and didn't make me capable of preventing it.


I don't think those guys were raised wrong either. They had a good upbringing, were taught wrong and right by their parents, but still chose wrong. Because that's what people do sometimes.


All the knowledge and preparation and awareness in the world won't stop people from doing dumb things sometimes.
Learning about infidelity is way more than just "infidelity is wrong, know right from wrong".

Young people don't see that there is a need to learn about boundaries, that there is a need to learn how to keep the connection going long term, etc. For instance young women need to learn not to go to male friends for relationship advice while involved with someone; we see affairs start that way all the time.

How many years have you been *married*? Have you had to deal with the pain of splitting custody of a 9 year old girl? I'm not talking about BF\GF relationships which are a trial for marriage. Thanks goodness you've had those experiences with your boyfriends, it may help you later in life. I WISH a GF had cheated on my before getting married and having a child...

It seems to me the people responding to this thread and clouding the thread are those people who have not learned these lessons yet. So far I've seen only one of the regular experienced older infidelity board members reply.
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:08 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by ChooseTruth View Post
Learning about infidelity is way more than just "infidelity is wrong, know right from wrong".

Young people don't see that there is a need to learn about boundaries, that there is a need to learn how to keep the connection going long term, etc. For instance young women need to learn not to go to male friends for relationship advice while involved with someone; we see affairs start that way all the time.


How many years have you been *married*? Have you had to deal with the pain of splitting custody of a 9 year old girl? I'm not talking about BF\GF relationships which are a trial for marriage. Thanks goodness you've had those experiences with your boyfriends, it may help you later in life. I WISH a GF had cheated on my before getting married and having a child...

It seems to me the people responding to this thread and clouding the thread are those people who have not learned these lessons yet. So far I've seen only one of the regular experienced older infidelity board members reply.


Okay old timer, please educate me.
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:10 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by miss_jaclynrae View Post

I HAVE been married, and he DID cheat.
Still don't think it is something that people can or should be educated on.
As Phoe stated, people do dumb things.

Thread fail. sigh....


There are entire books written on the subject of affair prevention because people are so passionate about this subject. Really really good ones.

Anyway, I disagree. I really really really wish I had known what I know now, when I was 22. It would have made a massive difference in my life. For you to tell me otherwise is just silly. I am not alone that is for sure.
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:11 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by miss_jaclynrae View Post

Okay old timer, please educate me.
That's really not the thread topic, though I recommend reading the book "Not Just Friends", or "His Needs Her Needs", or any number of relationship books. Hugely educational.
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:14 PM   #13
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That's really not the thread topic, though I recommend reading the book "Not Just Friends", or "His Needs Her Needs", or any number of relationship books. Hugely educational.


Hey look, I am sorry you were cheated on by your spouse, but the truth is that all the books in the world won't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating.
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:19 PM   #14
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Hey look, I am sorry you were cheated on by your spouse, but the truth is that all the books in the world won't stop someone who wants to cheat from cheating.
Most people don't want to cheat. They end up on the slippery slope. Learning about what leads to affairs stops that.

I feel so conflicted...this thread is about how to motivate people to learn but here I am practicing convincing someone instead

Reading these forums is a good thing though, probably you are way ahead of many people your age.

Anyway I'm not going to convince you of anything here tonight I'm sure. Can we let the thread go back on topic?


Edit, maybe there's a gender gap here as well. I think a lot of men cheat regardless for sheer sex. Women's infidelity tends to be a lot more...complicated and unexpected even to themselves.

Last edited by ChooseTruth; 27th September 2013 at 10:23 PM..
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Old 27th September 2013, 10:31 PM   #15
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I think people are just impulsive and foolish. They think it's just a fling, they don't understand the underlying risk of strong feelings, they don't truly know how vulnerable and weak they (and all human beings) are. All of the sudden, they've lost control to the undertow, and they've laid waste to all the people they love and who trust them to lead, including their children, or the children of others.
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