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Erotic lit and a kind AP?

Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 29th September 2013, 3:06 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by seethingandsmiling View Post
A part of all of us is bad. No different with OM/OW. The difference is that most are unaware that what they are doing is bad. An OM/OW does, and doesn't care at least during the A. That's why it's so easy to presume all are evil monsters that care ONLY about themselves.

What they are doing is wrong, no question, and they will come up with 1,000 reasons to justify it - 'We're in love', 'I can't help who I love', 'he doesn't love his wife', etc. That's all they are - reasons, excuses really. In the end, all people know dating a married person is wrong, and OM/OW simply do not care. There is a level of selfishness involved in that that makes it easy to hate them.

In this one's case, she is apparently an outwardly good person. I would say, however, that continuing to date someone's husband puts her squarely in the 'bad' category. The level of selfishness is simply too high. I'm sure some here will disagree, but as a whole, what they are doing is so damaging and they don't care, and to me, that's bad.

You may be surprised that she wasn't a complete bitch, but don't assume she's a sweetheart, because she isn't.
But just because she's doing something awful doesn't mean that she can't still over good advice and help.

Just realize that there is good AND bad in her. Take the good advice and realize take the rest with a grain of salt.
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Old 29th September 2013, 3:57 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by LostAngry View Post
I found out 6 years ago about my ExH betrayal. We did not know what we were doing and he said he was sorry and would never hurt me again, so I believed him and I thought we moved past it. I discovered within months he was continuing his affair and he chose to leave me. We divorced that same year and I have been an emotional basket case ever since.

I was and am angry and bitter. During my singleness I started reading stories at an erotic website, and that led to me becoming a member of the forums. I have now been at the site for many years and in those years I have exposed many married men to their wives. I never planned on exposing anybody, but one day I had a married man continuing to send me private messages after I asked him to stop. When he continued I came up with a plan to get any information from him that I could, and then expose him to his wife if I could find her. I felt she had a right to know.

I began to discover that he and other men would give identifying information rather freely. Therefore, I began to expose these men when I had enough identifiable information to find their wives. Now, what led me to SI in recent months is the AP of one of these men. All of the wives I contacted were hurt but thankful I had given them the truth and offered proof. Some of the proof was solid and some of it was circumstantial, but all of the women were smart enough to connect the dots, all of the wives but one.

I contacted one wife and gave her proof her husband was at the site talking about sex and flirting with women. She was understandably upset, but she believed what I showed her and asked me not to contact her again. Within a few weeks I found evidence her husband not only was talking and flirting with various women, but he had started an emotional affair one year prior with one woman in particular. I had been asked not to contact her, but I decided she needed the new information. It was not hard and cold proof, but it was very easy to connect the dots and tie the two of them together. She did not believe me and she was angry that I brought her more evidence.

I had lost the plot during this time and I kept working to expose not only the husband on this erotic site, but also his AP. Needless to say, many people on the site thought I should mind my own business, as they were doing the same thing the WS and his AP were doing. His AP agreed to talk to me on the phone after I threatened to out her in real life. Now, I will admit I put some very distasteful things out in the open on the site and she stopped posting. I knew when we spoke she would be hateful and rude, but I was wrong.

She was kind and she talked to me about what I had gone through, and she told me I was hurting myself more than I was hurting the men I was exposing. She told me I could choose to heal my pain and become a better person. She was not who I expected her to be, but she is still an AP. I decided to take her advice and find a professional to talk to. I also started researching online to find help for those hurt by betrayal, and that is how I found LS and other online help.

Now, my messed up self is confused. She helped me after I treated her poorly and humiliated her time and time again. BUT, I know she is continuing the affair with him. When I spoke with her she would not under any circumstance answer any questions that pertained to him in any way. She would change the subject or say she wasn’t going to answer questions about him. I know she is a bad person because she is in an affair with a married man, but I can tell you I have never come across a person so willing to listen to me (a stranger, if not enemy) and help and encourage me. She never called me a name or said anything negative about what I did to her.

I am trying to heal and rid myself of the bitterness I feel, but I also cannot reconcile that woman being kind (genuinely kind) and also being an AP. APs are evil and destructive people. One of them helped my Ex destroy my life and family. I also hate knowing that they are continuing the affair and the wife is too scared to face the truth. I know the cliff she is about to fall off of and I hate it for her, but she will not listen to reason and I promised the AP I would leave them all alone. Is it really harmful to me to expose these men and give their wives the gift of truth? I want them to be able to make informed decisions about their futures.

Go ahead and tell me how crazy I am.
I do not think you are crazy at all. I think you are a very compassionate person who is struggling to find any compassion for the AP in question. If your ultimate goal is your own happiness, vigilante justice might be less of a solution for you than finding an alternative way to exercise your compassion for other BS's, as someone else suggested, and working on your own ability to find a way to forgive things that on the surface, are incomprehensible and unforgivable. Your own peace of mind is more important than sacrificing your well being in the name of "justice", IMO.
“It’s not enough to rage against the lie…you’ve got to replace it with the truth.” -Bono
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Old 29th September 2013, 6:23 PM   #18
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My take (for what it's worth );
I think you are doing a great service in that you are bringing the Truth to light. The truth is Never bad. Hurtful? Yes. But bad/wrong? Nope.

BUT, I think your role in this should be to ALSO get You to a better place filled w/peace and a healed heart. Now I did Not write "tolerant" ! Peace does Not necessarily mean acceptance or tolerance of something that is harmful such as an A*

There are Many OW/OM who are lost, hurting, angry, damaged that, aide from cheating are Really great in other areas of their lives. They need understanding, compassion and kindness along with the truth in order for them to get "right" w/themselves if that is indeed what they want. (Oh how I wish I were like this w/WS's... I'm such a POOH when it comes to that particular A dynamic!)

Seriously though, Six years is a LONG time to carry such Anger twentyfor/seven.
I hope that you can soon come to a place where you continue making a difference, just more out of love & compassion instead of angry vengeance.

All my Best,
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Old 29th September 2013, 8:10 PM   #19
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Sorry but this isn't rocket science. People are complex and capable of great things and awful things at times simultaneously.

Instead of focusing on all of these external forces, you need to focus on yourself, your healing and get back to a whole complete you. Please seek IC
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