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husband cheated...now I'm dangerously close to screwing things up more


tornapart2002

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My husband had an affair with his ex girlfriend and I found out two months ago. I don't know who I am right now. I am a mess and doing things I don't understand. A man is making online passes at me and today I started sexting him. What is wrong with me??? This isn't me at all. I'm just so angry at my husband and confused and hurt and the attention from the other man is nice. But now I'm starting to feel I'm no better than my husband. :(

 

Help...I don't want to mess up trying to fix things with my husband, but if he finds out it will. How do I handle this? Cut of contact, first....I have to wait 48 hours to block him on Facebook but then I am going to.

 

I just feel like trash and very twisted up inside. :(

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I am sorry that you feel such pain.

 

You described your feelings very well, and it is understandable. Your life was thrown into a turmoil by what your H did and now part of you wants to retaliate. You are angry.

 

The question is...what do you want for your future? Do you want your H back? Or do you want to have someone else?

 

As many here will tell you, you will be struggling with a roller coaster of emotions over the next few months...perhaps longer. Talking it out will help.

 

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have children? Ages?

 

Is your H remorseful or is he excusing his behavior?

 

I think once you begin figuring out your emotions, then you will feel less twisted.

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GorillaTheater

I'm not going to throw rocks; recently betrayed spouses deserve a pretty big pass for most irrational behaviors in my book.

 

But that said, if you're thinking about reconciliation, I think it's important to lay the incident on the table with your husband. The only thing that's going to get you two through this with your marriage intact is radical honesty from both sides, and the only thing you can do to get there is to hold up your end of it.

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2 wrongs don't make a right. If you want to reconcile/renew your relationship with your husband, drop your sexting body and focus on the recon.

 

If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, end your marriage before pursuing intimate relations with others.

 

This new attention would only add to your stress since you don't feel good about being a cheater. When things are bad in your relationship, anything outside attention might seem like the best thing even though it probably isn't.

 

Take time to yourself to process your emotions. Accept the blow you've been dealt, get your emotions under control and then make any possible life changing decisions.

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I absolutely agree with you. i have deactivated my FB account until I can block this person.

 

I need to figure out my emotions and adding any of that mess to it is not giong to help!!!

 

I want to be with my husband...I do...it just hurts so much.

 

 

2 wrongs don't make a right. If you want to reconcile/renew your relationship with your husband, drop your sexting body and focus on the recon.

 

If you don't want to be with your husband anymore, end your marriage before pursuing intimate relations with others.

 

This new attention would only add to your stress since you don't feel good about being a cheater. When things are bad in your relationship, anything outside attention might seem like the best thing even though it probably isn't.

 

Take time to yourself to process your emotions. Accept the blow you've been dealt, get your emotions under control and then make any possible life changing decisions.

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Thank you. I agree with this as well Very much!

I'm not going to throw rocks; recently betrayed spouses deserve a pretty big pass for most irrational behaviors in my book.

 

But that said, if you're thinking about reconciliation, I think it's important to lay the incident on the table with your husband. The only thing that's going to get you two through this with your marriage intact is radical honesty from both sides, and the only thing you can do to get there is to hold up your end of it.

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We have been married 11 years. We have one son who is almost 7.

 

I want my husband in my future...most days...some days I just don't know. I'm so hurt and screwed up. I never thought he'd ceat o me. Never. I just want to get off this roller coaster and figure out who I am again. :(

 

HE is remorseful, but I still feel like he's not totally being truthful.

 

 

We are in MC and both in individual counseling. I doNOT want to tell my counselor this. I am so embarassed by my actions. :(

 

I am sorry that you feel such pain.

 

You described your feelings very well, and it is understandable. Your life was thrown into a turmoil by what your H did and now part of you wants to retaliate. You are angry.

 

The question is...what do you want for your future? Do you want your H back? Or do you want to have someone else?

 

As many here will tell you, you will be struggling with a roller coaster of emotions over the next few months...perhaps longer. Talking it out will help.

 

How long have the two of you been married? Do you have children? Ages?

 

Is your H remorseful or is he excusing his behavior?

 

I think once you begin figuring out your emotions, then you will feel less twisted.

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GorillaTheater
I doNOT want to tell my counselor this. I am so embarassed by my actions. :(

 

Don't worry about it. Chances are that he or she won't even blink (they've heard far worse). Your counselor's job is to help you process this and choose healthy coping mechanisms. Give them the opportunity to do their job right.

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I'm very sorry you have joined this growing club.

 

I really think you should talk to your IC about this situation with the man online. Your self-esteem took a hit and you may be trying to prove something to yourself here. I am over year out from DDay and I still fantasize about revenge. It's awful. Not me.

 

There are stages to this pain you are feeling. Much like losing someone to death. You will swing wildly at times. Don't do anything rash. Discuss this with your IC.

 

What has your H been doing to show remorse? Is he aware how close to the edge you are of checking out of your M?

 

I wish you strength. Do work on this with your counselor.

 

Do not feel ashamed of having very real reactions to his betrayal. This is directly connected to the turmolt you are feeling from discovery. WS's should be advised vBulletin that these are thoughts many BS have. Some act upon them. This is how out of control one feels. Some BS may not ever share these feelings but they are present for many.

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I will talk to her. :( I don't want to but know I have to. HEre is the worst thing..the guy online isn't hundreds of miles away like WH AP ..he is two miles down the road and a member of the family. :( And ick...he's gross and a pervert! Seriously?! WTH is wrong with me?Since my husband and I are trying to rebuild our marriage I started sexting him tonight instead. That makes me feel weird because then I start wondering if he did that with his AP but better the man I married than someone who is married to a close family member :(

 

That one feels trapped in his marriage and wants to meet me somewhere. Ick! That's why I am telling him tonight I'm not chatting anymore, but only if he contacts me. It just grosses me out even thinking of that wit him. I don't want to hurt his feelings because I feel bad for him, but dang.....go to your wife for this stuff...that's how I ended up here and I dont want her in that same position. :(

 

To think, though, that my flirting with him could put her there! It makes me sick to my stomach!! WTH is wrong with me? Thank God it has gone no further or I'd probably be suicidal. This is why I couldn't have been the one who had the affair...I'm too much of a dang basket case (again..thank God I am..it isn't helping me cope very well, but I think it's making me make sure I don't make it worse!).

 

QUOTE=Journee;5236641]I'm very sorry you have joined this growing club.

 

I really think you should talk to your IC about this situation with the man online. Your self-esteem took a hit and you may be trying to prove something to yourself here. I am over year out from DDay and I still fantasize about revenge. It's awful. Not me.

 

There are stages to this pain you are feeling. Much like losing someone to death. You will swing wildly at times. Don't do anything rash. Discuss this with your IC.

 

What has your H been doing to show remorse? Is he aware how close to the edge you are of checking out of your M?

 

I wish you strength. Do work on this with your counselor.

 

Do not feel ashamed of having very real reactions to his betrayal. This is directly connected to the turmolt you are feeling from discovery. WS's should be advised vBulletin that these are thoughts many BS have. Some act upon them. This is how out of control one feels. Some BS may not ever share these feelings but they are present for many.

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If he is a close family member, if your husband could find out, it would be better for you to tell him before he found out a different way.

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Thank you. I agree with this as well Very much!

 

I think, to share this sexing thing... If I was your H it would help me understand the damage that I had caused... it would help me know how my actions caused a disfigurement to your spirit, your soul and I would have remorse for causing that. I hope that your H has that much insight.

 

But if he is the narrow-minded controlling type of guy... maybe don't bother with the disclosure. It would only muddy the waters.

 

You could show it to him just to see how he reacts, and if he is a jerk about it then you will know that he is a jerk after all. You don't need a jerk in your life.

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If he is a close family member, if your husband could find out, it would be better for you to tell him before he found out a different way.

 

I should add that my husband does know about some of the conversations I had with the man. He knows that he made suggestions we get together and he's upset by it. He does not know I started talking to him again. I don't believe the family friend will tell anyone, including my husband, because he doesn't want his wife to know. I have cut off all contact with the man as of tonight. I was too nice and wrote a long message to him about caring for my husband and blah, blah, blah but I made it clear I will NOT be talking to him again.

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I should add that my husband does know about some of the conversations I had with the man. He knows that he made suggestions we get together and he's upset by it. He does not know I started talking to him again. I don't believe the family friend will tell anyone, including my husband, because he doesn't want his wife to know. I have cut off all contact with the man as of tonight. I was too nice and wrote a long message to him about caring for my husband and blah, blah, blah but I made it clear I will NOT be talking to him again.

 

Good job. I know you would not want to enable a man to put his wife through something like this. It's too bad because this man sounds like he is looking for an affair and will likely find one elsewhere.

 

I think the damage to the ego and the fragility of one's reality add to the crazy making. I have been on a dangerous path of what could be an EA. I guess? I fantasize about revenge. About meeting a man who would be faithful to me. I have told my WH this. I need him to know the place I am at emotionally and mentally. I'd be ripe for an affair if I had not found this place and did not come out of my depression. I'm still struggling with committing to this R thing %100. This will be my third time though. Clearly I have a ton of things to work through.

 

I hope that you are able to communicate some of these feelings to your WH. I hope that you feel safe enough with him emotionally to at least work through triggers and troubling actions like this. R is very tough. It's not for everyone. You don't have to write your future in cement ... just take it day by day. You do not want to drag another woman through this however. Your H either I imagine. It will not even the score and the gratification you will feel will be fleeting. There are posters here who have given me some great advice about my feelings towards an RA. I never thought I would be so intrigued by such a thing.

 

Johna made a great observation. A's change a body and change a mind. Does your H really grasp that? You two may need to sit down and talk. Put it out there.

 

Good luck.

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We have been married 11 years. We have one son who is almost 7.

 

I want my husband in my future...most days...some days I just don't know. I'm so hurt and screwed up. I never thought he'd ceat o me. Never. I just want to get off this roller coaster and figure out who I am again. :(

 

HE is remorseful, but I still feel like he's not totally being truthful.

 

 

We are in MC and both in individual counseling. I doNOT want to tell my counselor this. I am so embarassed by my actions. :(

 

Honesty is the only policy, your attempting to rebuild the damaged foundation that is your marriage, keeping secrets from each other is the same as attempting the repairs with faulty materials. You know it's going to fail again the next time it's challenged. Your counselor can't help you with key parts of the information missing, they are not there to judge you.

 

If you still believe your husband is withholding information from you, one of the best tools to help you get your need to know across to him is "Josephs Letter". It's a letter written by a betrayed husband to his wayward wife explaining his reasons for wanting to know everything that happened between her and her lover. Google search "Joseph's Letter" than just rewrite it with your necessary changes and address it to him and give it to him to read. It works. Regardless of his reasons for withholding the information from you your marriage will always include a third person until full disclosure is made. Accept nothing less then complete honesty.

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Thank you! I will definitely look this up today.

Honesty is the only policy, your attempting to rebuild the damaged foundation that is your marriage, keeping secrets from each other is the same as attempting the repairs with faulty materials. You know it's going to fail again the next time it's challenged. Your counselor can't help you with key parts of the information missing, they are not there to judge you.

 

If you still believe your husband is withholding information from you, one of the best tools to help you get your need to know across to him is "Josephs Letter". It's a letter written by a betrayed husband to his wayward wife explaining his reasons for wanting to know everything that happened between her and her lover. Google search "Joseph's Letter" than just rewrite it with your necessary changes and address it to him and give it to him to read. It works. Regardless of his reasons for withholding the information from you your marriage will always include a third person until full disclosure is made. Accept nothing less then complete honesty.

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I am really feeling like crap today. I essentially was having an emotional affair with this person! It was short lived, but oh my word! What if it had been longer and what if I had met him in person for real. I would have been no "better" than my husband. :(

 

The difference is my husband's affair triggered this willingness to be open to another man, but what triggered my husband's willingness to open up to another woman? :(

 

THIs is all so messed up and I'm really feeling down today about talking to him. I've cut him off, but I feel guilty I even started talking to him and probably led him on. Wow. I hope he forgives me and starts talking to his wife. I hope something good comes of this and I am so glad it never went further. It does help me relate a little to my husband but I wonder if he feels the guilt I feel at all? :/

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