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Perspective from a MM and ?'s


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th September 2013, 2:29 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by Got it View Post
So you were open to it and she was just the person "at the right time and place".

I don't understand "if she went away the first time I told her to, I wouldn't be here right now typing this". Did you have no say? Were you held down and raped? What if she went away but someone else came along offering the same thing?

If you were divorcing, how is that cheating? So you soothed your brusied ego and broken heart with a little bit of new girl and you are crying victim over that? Because she wouldn't take no for an answer? Dude you wouldn't last as a women for a week then. Try getting guys to realize that no matter how many ways to Sunday you say not interested you aren't going to become interested. Amazingly just continuing to say no and walking away does wonders!!!
You need a new handle, because you obviously dont "Get It"..

Where is my ego bruised? I am the one that initiated the divorce..how am I the one with the broken heart here? Where does it say anywhere that I was open to it?

Of course I had a say...But if you think I would have chased her after telling her that I wasn't interested the first time you are sadly mistaken..Shed be just another face in the crowd and nothing more. She persisted and I bit..Im the dope and I admitted as such umpteen times. I even created my screen name to show how fooliish I was..
What more do you want?

I admitted I was wrong!!! Several times! Please show me one case where I say anything about being any kind of victim? Please..

Its not her fault and I am not a victim..Im not like a lot of y'all that need to burn down the stadium when you lose the game.

Its unacceptable, because I wasn't divoreced yet and was struggling mightily with the decision...Do YOU think its right for people who arent fully divorced to have affairs and/or relationships? Really??

If you dont like or agree with my perspective, then just tell me what you want to hear and Ill post that.OK?

Wow, I dont think I have ever been so chastised for being reticent and remorseful....

TFY
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Last edited by thefooloftheyear; 25th September 2013 at 2:36 PM..
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Old 25th September 2013, 2:51 PM   #62
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Originally Posted by ladydesigner View Post
I agree. I was able to see by the deleted texts who the pursuer was, it was MOW in our case. But, if it wasn't her it would have been someone else. My WH was miserable with himself, resented me for being happy and successful and he always had bad boundaries, so I am not surprised.

In my own A my xAP did the grooming and I pursued an A with him.
My H had told me that OW was the pursuer too and I didn't believe him until she kept breaking NC and I read some of her texts. Its not an excuse for him falling for it but makes me feel a little better knowing he wasn't following her around like a lovesick puppy.
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:02 PM   #63
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Originally Posted by thefooloftheyear View Post
You need a new handle, because you obviously dont "Get It"..

Where is my ego bruised? I am the one that initiated the divorce..how am I the one with the broken heart here? Where does it say anywhere that I was open to it?

Of course I had a say...But if you think I would have chased her after telling her that I wasn't interested the first time you are sadly mistaken..Shed be just another face in the crowd and nothing more. She persisted and I bit..Im the dope and I admitted as such umpteen times. I even created my screen name to show how fooliish I was..
What more do you want?

I admitted I was wrong!!! Several times! Please show me one case where I say anything about being any kind of victim? Please..

Its not her fault and I am not a victim..Im not like a lot of y'all that need to burn down the stadium when you lose the game.

Its unacceptable, because I wasn't divoreced yet and was struggling mightily with the decision...Do YOU think its right for people who arent fully divorced to have affairs and/or relationships? Really??

If you dont like or agree with my perspective, then just tell me what you want to hear and Ill post that.OK?

Wow, I dont think I have ever been so chastised for being reticent and remorseful....

TFY
Because many states require a year separation prior to divorce, no I don't have a carte blanche issue with people dating while separated. If the separation agreement is in place, and there are no marital relations happening, why would that be an issue? Why the need for self flagellation? I can't say I know anyone who didn't have any dates prior to their divorce being final.

Burning down what stadium? What people?

Again, I don't understand if the door wasn't even cracked how anything another person does could entice you? What does that say then? If I wasn't interested the person could parade around naked in front of me, bearing gifts and showering me with money and it wouldn't turn my head.

The fool, stop being foolish. It is following your lines of logic and just replying to what you post. Why would I care to tell you want to say? Own your thoughts and stand by them. Don't cowtail. Your line of logic is yours, I had a different one as a MP and as an AP. I didn't view my affair like yours or my my relationships in the same manner.
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:16 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by Got it View Post
Because many states require a year separation prior to divorce, no I don't have a carte blanche issue with people dating while separated. If the separation agreement is in place, and there are no marital relations happening, why would that be an issue? Why the need for self flagellation? I can't say I know anyone who didn't have any dates prior to their divorce being final.

Sorry...I dont give a shyt about any laws...my w deserved better than that from me....period.

Burning down what stadium? What people?

Practically every OW that posts on here, Their MM drops them on their head, they knew the rules, then go ahead and cry in their beer when all along that prospect existed. Not all, but many...Just take a look at the "Im telling' thread or the "what type of man does this"...there is your answer..

Again, I don't understand if the door wasn't even cracked how anything another person does could entice you? What does that say then? If I wasn't interested the person could parade around naked in front of me, bearing gifts and showering me with money and it wouldn't turn my head.

So you have never had a weak moment in your life, huh?...And yes, a pending divorce migt constitute a door crack, no?

The fool, stop being foolish. It is following your lines of logic and just replying to what you post. Why would I care to tell you want to say? Own your thoughts and stand by them. Don't cowtail. Your line of logic is yours, I had a different one as a MP and as an AP. I didn't view my affair like yours or my my relationships in the same manner.
I owned it and said it a thousand times...Is there a reading comprehension problem here?

PM if you want to take this further....I dont want to derail the thread any further...

Sorry, everyone. Ill ask the mods to delete all my postings of this matter.

TFY
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:17 PM   #65
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OP, ir sounds like you are really struggling. I want to say that what you are feeling is normal after a long term affair. Your brain is still high off of love chemicals for your exAP because your relationship never reached a point of maturity and deepened into the mature love like what you have for your wife. What your feeling towards your AP is called limerance. The highs are very intense and it feels like it'll never go away but believe me, it will in time.

Are you and your wife attending therapy? I think it may do you some good to seek indiviual therapy to navigate all of these feelings until your brain settles down from these love chemicals. Do some research on Limerance too. It will confirm your suspicions and questions about whether you'd feel the same love for AP after a few years. The highs of it don't last forever.
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:41 PM   #66
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Originally Posted by HopingAgain View Post
OP, ir sounds like you are really struggling. I want to say that what you are feeling is normal after a long term affair. Your brain is still high off of love chemicals for your exAP because your relationship never reached a point of maturity and deepened into the mature love like what you have for your wife. What your feeling towards your AP is called limerance. The highs are very intense and it feels like it'll never go away but believe me, it will in time.

Are you and your wife attending therapy? I think it may do you some good to seek indiviual therapy to navigate all of these feelings until your brain settles down from these love chemicals. Do some research on Limerance too. It will confirm your suspicions and questions about whether you'd feel the same love for AP after a few years. The highs of it don't last forever.
Do you really believe that's what all of these various As are based on though? Some of these APs are several years into these relationships, myself included. Regardless of my MMs dumb decisions, I felt that we grew stronger as time went on. Albeit I am currently devastated and wondering how I even got to this point, I don't think infatuation could've carried it this far.
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:46 PM   #67
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Do you really believe that's what all of these various As are based on though? Some of these APs are several years into these relationships, myself included. Regardless of my MMs dumb decisions, I felt that we grew stronger as time went on. Albeit I am currently devastated and wondering how I even got to this point, I don't think infatuation could've carried it this far.
I agree with this. The reason it goes so far is because the two people involved let it get that far.

Although usually as time passes and those memories and emotions attached to them pass a clearer picture will emerge.
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:50 PM   #68
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I agree with this. The reason it goes so far is because the two people involved let it get that far.

Although usually as time passes and those memories and emotions attached to them pass a clearer picture will emerge.
I think that applies to any former relationship.

For me, I will never understand my MMs actions and reactions to our A no matter how much time passes. I can only attempt to salvage my own life and heart now.
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:53 PM   #69
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I have found this entire string very valuable, for the simple reason it validates why I exited the A – bc/technically, he would still be in it if I let him. The OP sounds exactly like my exMM. I consider myself a strong person and I try to realize that the exMM does struggle. However, that is not my struggle. We all have to put our own oxygen masks on first.

And, by the time he finally does make a decision about staying or going (which, btw I was told had already been done – forehead slap) I will have moved on. That window is closed, and the latch is on. If anything, all of the ‘I don’t knows’ have made me lose respect for him. Maybe bc/I am a very driven person or maybe because I cannot be number 2. Who knows?But, if my exMM came back with a decision in hand I would tell him the ol’ southern phrase ‘how nice!’ which really means f-you
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Last edited by hollyhillcourt; 25th September 2013 at 3:55 PM..
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Old 25th September 2013, 3:57 PM   #70
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[QUOTE=TaintedLuv;5232635]I think that applies to any former relationship.

For me, I will never understand my MMs actions and reactions to our A no matter how much time passes. I can only attempt to salvage my own life and heart now.[/QUOTE]

One day you won't even care. I'm glad you are focusing on yourself!
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:11 PM   #71
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Do most OW enter into an A with the end goal of the MM leaving their M for them?

Do most OW enter the A knowing that he is a MM?

What % of fault do you think is MM vs OW? I can see where most here and society as a whole say 80% MM, BS may think opposite

I am not sure of any real statistics but I would guess out of all A's the MM leaves his wife for the OW 10-15% of the time, and 50% of them want to but don't.

If things do not work out with my M I do not expect the OW to be waiting around for me, and I would only reach out to her if she was not with anyone else, but still fully expecting her to tell me, no thanks. We did not end badly it was hard for each, we knew we put ourselves into a very difficult situation.
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:17 PM   #72
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I appreciate all the feedback positive and harsh it is all helpful and does provide a slap of reality of how I am acting or should act. I understand all the feelings positive and negative and I certainly deserve the negative it's nothing I don't tell myself when I look in the mirror. I know the answers for some seem so easy just tell the truth just be with who you love more...in the long run it will all be ok...

To try and answer some of the ?'s the OW was not married, the A was many years off and on, we never talked about my W or M or me leaving I don't think she ever wanted that at first she then started to get jealous and change and I realized this was entering into a bigger thing for both of us, the feelings grew the guilt grew the complications grew. We decided it was best to go our separate ways. I did come clean (wrong word entirely) with my W and have tried to move forward in my M. I think if I never had never cheated my M would be fine? but now I have these feelings that won't die.
.
I think you are confusing easy and simple. Usually if someone's simple answer seems too easy for your complicated situation, its because they unlike you have already navigated a similar life experience and resolved all the issues you are dealing with.

Life is generally only as complicated as we make it. The way out of all this complexity you have created for yourself is finding your own truth. That is hard to do while you are deceiving other people. Its not clear if you've told your W you still have all these feelings for OW. Have you?

As for your feelings for OW that wont die.....feelings are preceded by thoughts. Your thought process is not entirely rational as you are stuck in the infatuation stage of love as all A are. Its irrational to think of someone as the love of your life when you're not willing to make them a part of your life. Sorry but that's just nonsense.
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:21 PM   #73
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Originally Posted by Good Love Bad View Post
Do most OW enter into an A with the end goal of the MM leaving their M for them?

Do most OW enter the A knowing that he is a MM?

What % of fault do you think is MM vs OW? I can see where most here and society as a whole say 80% MM, BS may think opposite

I am not sure of any real statistics but I would guess out of all A's the MM leaves his wife for the OW 10-15% of the time, and 50% of them want to but don't.

If things do not work out with my M I do not expect the OW to be waiting around for me, and I would only reach out to her if she was not with anyone else, but still fully expecting her to tell me, no thanks. We did not end badly it was hard for each, we knew we put ourselves into a very difficult situation.
In my case, we had a similar interest and had some acquaintances in common. I definitely had a crush on him before I found out he was M but we were just friends with common interests. Neither of us thought it would escalate. He always said "I'm not leaving my W, I'm not unhappy, shes a good person, she doesn't deserve me leaving her, blah blah" so I never expected it to happen. I never expected an affair either but we crossed the line almost a year later. I think a lot less than 10-15% leave but that's the trend around here so who knows. My MM is fully convinced that he made a huge mistake and should've left before it became as conflicted as it is now but he swears he's making a real and final decision now but he also doesn't expect me to wait for him. That won't stop him, he says that if he leaves, regardless if I'm with another or not he will come for me.
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:24 PM   #74
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Originally Posted by j'adore View Post
My friends told me of an MM whose OW was with him for 6 years. All the time he was saying he would leave, there was always a reason. She lost the chance to have children. She left him and he suddenly realised what he had lost, and he went begging to my friends to get her to talk to him. She wouldn't (he did not even know them, he was devastated) - very sad to live with that regret. I asked my friend to ask her to talk to me about it, She didn't want to remember. My friend says my MM will end up doing this. ):
That's what bothers me as well. If this does happen and I'm much older, he's robbed me of the things I wanted with my SO. My entire support system is at the point where they're saying "ur never getting over him, U waited this long, ull forgive, etc". Kinda sad.
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:29 PM   #75
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For us it was a mutual attraction for each other, flirting etc knew he was married and he knew I was as well, we live in the same small town and one evening when out we bumped into each other chatted etc, walked me home and we kissed, flirted for a few more years then another night out and we kissed again and decided to take it further, he was more nervous than I as like u he was happy in his marriage and here was this young woman wanting him, praising him, telling him gorgeous he was etc etc. We tried to end it numerous times but we were so addicted to each other it felt like death when we did. At one point he considered leaving his family and he said he had been over it in his head numerous time but decided he wanted his family and wife he owed her this after all the years together, kids, finances, house, business etc etc but he still couldn't resist me and I wouldn't let him either I was crazy for him the sex wasn't even that good but still I wouldn't let him go. I was keeping him out of jealousy, competition and ego. I do not doubt that he loved me I know he did but it wasn't enough I didn't understand it then but I understand it now sometimes you have to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's
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