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-   -   Ouch...a story from a BH (https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/427182-ouch-story-bh)

NotTheLuckyOne 24th September 2013 5:26 PM

Ouch...a story from a BH
 
I apologize in advance that this will be long, but for those that read the whole thing, and reply, you have my thanks. I will say upfront that I don't feel I'm completely without fault, but I don't feel I deserved what has happened to me.

Here we go.

So I guess I'll start with the background: My WW and I were married young, she was 22, I was 23. We had been together, at that point, for close to 7 years. In 2008, we got married, because it seemed like the right thing to do at that point. How young and foolish I was.

I experienced a (to me) devastating job loss that affected every part of me in the late part of that year, which ended up affecting my self-confidence very deeply. It also in hindsight deeply affected my marriage. I have very few clear memories this far back, but she has told me I changed and became easily frustrated, distant, and disinterested in her physically. I can't deny it, I don't remember it. She says I refused asking a Dr. for help, which I don't doubt is true, but she never tried harder, she just gave up. This is where I'm at fault. I couldn't step outside my own head and see what I was doing to "us". That I know now, and had been making strides to set things right since then, but only actually had been gaining traction for the last 9-10 months.

So here we are, 5 years into the marriage, nearly 12 years into the relationship, and she drops the bomb. She's been lying to me for 4 years, because she's been sleeping with another guy (her best-friend) for that long. The best part is how it came out. She went for her yearly PAP...and it turned out positive for an STD (fortunately for her and myself, an easily treatable one). She dropped that bomb on me after she got the results....and had the gall to tell me after the immediate blow up that she never intended for me to find out and I never would have if this result hadn't come back.

I felt like an idiot. I still feel like an idiot. We're still together. It's been just over a week since she told me (last Monday). I don't know what I'm doing.

I've demanded an ultimatum (NC with him) and all I get is "This isn't going to be easy" and no substantive action on her part. We're just continuing life as normal and it's killing me. I don't know what to do. I have reached out to friends IRL but haven't given them all the details (i.e. the reason she disclosed the A), just the time frame...that out of 5 years of marriage, she's been lying and hiding it from me for 4 years. They are supportive and pretty much all ask me WTF I'm doing. All I can manage to say is "I don't know, I'm still trying to figure things out."

Anyone been there with a bomb this size or similar? I'll take advice, suggestions, support...anything. I think more feedback helps however it comes, even if it's not completely useful on the surface.

-NTL1

Bryanp 24th September 2013 5:42 PM

I am so sorry for you. She is a real piece of work. She sleeps with her lover for 4 years behind your back and gives you an STD. You know that there were probably times you were intimate with her after she had been with him.

If you have children you may wish to get them tested for paternity.

She tells you she had no intention of ever being honest with you and clearly would continue to sleep with this guy and only told you because of the STD. She did not even have the decency to use a condom.

She then tells you it won't be easy about not sleeping with him after you forgave her? If the roles were reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been?

Four years is a hell of a long time. For four years your marriage has been one big lie. Apparently she sees you as a doormat.

If the OM is married then you need to expose him to his wife.

***Please see an attorney to understand your options. She puts all the blame on you and she gives you an STD....What is wrong with this picture?

She thinks that you are not wiling to stand up to her. You deserve better. Drop her off at the OM's place. She has had no problem lying and cheating on you for 4 years. She has no respect for you at all. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough! Good luck.

ChooseTruth 24th September 2013 6:13 PM

Yuck... I'm sorry :( Many people here have been through nasty stuff. In my case she got pregnant, confessed, and miscarried a week later.


We divorced later (almost final...some arbitration happening tomorrow..fun) because she wouldn't quit a class that her OMM went to.

The thing that's hard for a newcomer here to learn is how many cases the regular posters here have seen. In your case, I'd say things look bad.

My advice is going to sound extreme probably. I know you don't want to believe any of this is true..and it's immensely painful. I'm so sorry for that. I understand completely. Still, there are my thoughts from personal experience and from reading case after case here on this site.

THis:
Quote:

I've demanded an ultimatum (NC with him) and all I get is "This isn't going to be easy" and no substantive action on her part.
does not sound good at all. It sounds fairly familiar to me in my case. There are spouse who have cheated that are truly remorseful, that quit jobs immediately without being asked just to give the BS peace of mind. I used to think it was only men that did this...but recently I've been hearing of more WW's who are taking initiative and doing the right thing.

It's especially bad when a woman cheats a lot of times, because the infidelity tends to be based on emotional disconnection from you. They aren't motivated to work on things. They want you to prove yourself even though they are the ones who just threw a grenade into the marriage.

Do you have kids? If not I'd say run...as much as that hurts. It's the best thing to do. Sitting in the M(Marriage) and trying to control her and make her do the right thing is just going to make things worse. The more wacked out things you do to control her, the more she'll paint you as crazy and feel justified. Even if you have kids...the advice is still probably run. YOu can't reconcile with someone who isn't willing to reconcile. Keeping contact with the OM is going to rip open your wounds every time. You need to show her that you will not tolerate that by simply walking away. No craziness. no yelling (almost impossible I know...) I do recommend exposing the affair at this point since she won't go NC (No contact). It's like exposing mold to air and light as the analogy goes. Do this immediately, don't do it in phases like I did. That just comes off as manipulative. Expose all at once, right now, and state your intent to split. It's not a manipulation, you're just letting people know you are protecting yourself and why. If she wants to continue with this guy, well she can. My bet is reality hits her in the face though. All of a sudden the relationship with OM becomes real and public, not a secret fantasy. She can go live with him and share a toothbrush, fight over chores, etc. + the shame of everyone knowing what's she's done. And maybe you should be through. If you don't have kids...would you want to now? My wife and I divorced after 14 years, we have an 11 year old daughter. I wish she had cheated before we had a child. Then I could have avoided this mess.

And a big tip if you start reading the infidelity books. If she hasn't gone NC, it's like the affair is continuing. I used to think that because the affair seemed over that I shouldn't apply the harsher actions...I was wrong. If they don't go NC and answer your questions truthfully, nothing is going to work. You can't reconcile like that. You have to implement the tough love (referencing Dobson there)

Some books:
Surviving the Affair(Harley)
Love Must Be Tough
Divorce Remedy
Not Just Friends.
His Needs Her Needs

All are very good.

drifter777 24th September 2013 6:19 PM

Right now you are in a state of shock and confusion. You are looking for a life-raft so you can escape the sea of sh*t you are floating in. Trust me, I've been there and know the feeling. Here's what not to do: pretend that you will be able to understand and accept her cheating over time. That time will heal your wound. That doesn't work and only causes you more pain and wasted time. You made a lot of excuses for her in the preamble of your story, but none of that means a thing. Its part of your denial. I strongly recommend that you get away from her as soon as possible. Ask her to leave or leave yourself. Don't allow her to continue to manipulate or gas-light you right now. What you need is to find someone you can talk to - preferably a counselor - so you can make decisions about how to proceed free from her influence. In my opinion, if she has cheated for 4 years of your 5 year marriage then it is over, but this is something you need to decide for yourself. Stop blaming yourself and making excuses for her behavior and look at the reality of your situation.

atreides 24th September 2013 6:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChooseTruth (Post 5230881)
Yuck... I'm sorry :( Many people here have been through nasty stuff. In my case she got pregnant, confessed, and miscarried a week later.


We divorced later (almost final...some arbitration happening tomorrow..fun) because she wouldn't quit a class that her OMM went to.

The thing that's hard for a newcomer here to learn is how many cases the regular posters here have seen. In your case, I'd say things look bad.

My advice is going to sound extreme probably. I know you don't want to believe any of this is true..and it's immensely painful. I'm so sorry for that. I understand completely. Still, there are my thoughts from personal experience and from reading case after case here on this site.

THis:
does not sound good at all. It sounds fairly familiar to me in my case. There are spouse who have cheated that are truly remorseful, that quit jobs immediately without being asked just to give the BS peace of mind. I used to think it was only men that did this...but recently I've been hearing of more WW's who are taking initiative and doing the right thing.

It's especially bad when a woman cheats a lot of times, because the infidelity tends to be based on emotional disconnection from you. They aren't motivated to work on things. They want you to prove yourself even though they are the ones who just threw a grenade into the marriage.

Do you have kids? If not I'd say run...as much as that hurts. It's the best thing to do. Sitting in the M(Marriage) and trying to control her and make her do the right thing is just going to make things worse. The more wacked out things you do to control her, the more she'll paint you as crazy and feel justified. Even if you have kids...the advice is still probably run. YOu can't reconcile with someone who isn't willing to reconcile. Keeping contact with the OM is going to rip open your wounds every time. You need to show her that you will not tolerate that by simply walking away. No craziness. no yelling (almost impossible I know...) I do recommend exposing the affair at this point since she won't go NC (No contact). It's like exposing mold to air and light as the analogy goes. Do this immediately, don't do it in phases like I did. That just comes off as manipulative. Expose all at once, right now, and state your intent to split. It's not a manipulation, you're just letting people know you are protecting yourself and why. If she wants to continue with this guy, well she can. My bet is reality hits her in the face though. All of a sudden the relationship with OM becomes real and public, not a secret fantasy. She can go live with him and share a toothbrush, fight over chores, etc. + the shame of everyone knowing what's she's done. And maybe you should be through. If you don't have kids...would you want to now? My wife and I divorced after 14 years, we have an 11 year old daughter. I wish she had cheated before we had a child. Then I could have avoided this mess.

And a big tip if you start reading the infidelity books. If she hasn't gone NC, it's like the affair is continuing. I used to think that because the affair seemed over that I shouldn't apply the harsher actions...I was wrong. If they don't go NC and answer your questions truthfully, nothing is going to work. You can't reconcile like that. You have to implement the tough love (referencing Dobson there)

Some books:
Surviving the Affair(Harley)
Love Must Be Tough
Divorce Remedy
Not Just Friends.
His Needs Her Needs

All are very good.


Good lord are the stories alone on this thread flat out terrible. She cheated for most of your marriage. The crap she gives you for reasons is just that, crap. Then she gives you an STD.... whoa... i know what i would do...

You are a doormat right now... become a banana peel.

RightThere 24th September 2013 7:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotTheLuckyOne (Post 5230762)
All I can manage to say is "I don't know, I'm still trying to figure things out."

Take your time. Regardless of what everyone else says, you are still in shock and shouldn't make life changing decisions until you've had time to process everything.

And 4 years is a long time to have an affair behind your back (trust me, I know). Your wife is probably in shock too so in her head she is probably thinking "I don't know. I'm still trying to figure things out."

All I can say is keep communication going with your wife. Don't be afraid to ask questions you want answers to. But ultimatums right away will yield results that may not be intended right away.

Mickey_Fitzpatrick 24th September 2013 7:41 PM

If you don't have kids, give serious thought to divorce. You will never get over this. Maybe if she had confessed out of guilt, or once you found out been completely sorry and crying and begging you to stay - maybe then you could entertain the thought of reconciliation. But she is not even offering that right now.

As it stands now, she has told you, in very vague terms, I plan to continue to cheat on you.

However distant and depressed you were, after one year of marriage, there is no excuse for what she did. Don't let her make you think this was your fault in any way. It's not. Bad things happen to people, accidents, illness, job loss - these are not reasons to cheat on your spouse. If your wife was depressed over a job loss, do you think you would have cheated on her for four years? There are a thousand ways to deal with problems - which way to deal with a problem is a choice we all make. Cheating is just one choice out of many.

Here is what you do - if the other man has a wife or girlfriend, tell her. She deserves to know. Don't tell your wife you are doing this. If he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend, tell his mother (really, I'm not kidding).

Also, see a lawyer to see how the divorce will work. It should be fairly simple from what you describe - no kids (and not a lot of assets to split up?). Start with the divorce.

Tell your wife you have begun divorce proceedings, but you haven't decided whether you will go through with them. But for now you are. Use her line on her - "this (making a decision to stop the divorce or not) isn't going to be easy."

Tell your wife that if you are to have any chance of reconciliation, she has to give up the other guy and end all contact completely, plus let you verify it.

If you feel that you are in the dark about what's going on with her and the other man, buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and put one in her car and one in the house where she will likely talk to him when you are not around. You will find out what's going in within a week. And likely help you to make a decision whether to divorce or not.

aliveagain 24th September 2013 7:45 PM

Your Marriage is a lie, Commandments 7 and 10 never made it past the honeymoon. My ex cheated 2 years out of our 4 years together but she did sweeten the pie by throwing in an affair child with OM. I didn't find out until he was a year old. When affairs happen early in a marriage the odds are very against the marriage surviving. She's just as married to him as she is to you, your marriage is going to cost a small fortune to dismantle where as he can just walk away. How did she ever expect to guarantee you your paternal rights as her husband? For all you know you could be raising O/M's children some day and not know it? Happened to me. If you have no children, clean house. It will take you both years and years of therapy to recover from this sh*t storm, might be easier to start with someone you can trust.

If you decide you want to work things out with her tainted ass, have her sign a postnuptial agreement giving up her rights to most of the assets if you divorce because of another infidelity. The sick thing in this is you probably both slept with her on the same day many times.

Artie Lang 24th September 2013 10:11 PM

so, you've been married for 5 years and your wife has been cheating for 4 of those years? to add insult to injury, she only told you because she contracted an STD?

your marriage has been a sham, dude.

Zenstudent 25th September 2013 4:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by weski (Post 5231528)
Lots of tough love advice on here and most probably accurate, however right now you need to take care of you...not the marriage, not her, you...the rest can and will wait. Eat, sleep, try to relax....but make sure you are putting you first. If you have kids, get some help with them from a trusted friend or relative so you do not compound your sadness by having your kids needing attention. For me, my salvation was and still is yoga...what's yours...fishing, running, reading, golf...what makes you feel alive and normal....find it and give yourself the gift of time....you have just been through one of the worst experiences anyone can....take care of you...

^^ This ^^
You need to turn 80 percent of your focus to yourself - eat and drink healthy, work out, get some fresh air - I went for A LOT of long walks in the woods. Take your time, don't decide anything in a rush especially not in an emotionally state of mind.

After four years, she's deeply emotionally attached to this guy, which probably is why you can't see any remorse. Also, after just one week, you're both still in shock. So take your time to think things through - I made some mistakes shortly after D-day, so my advice for you is: Don't let her take you for granted(!), start divorce proceedings to put pressure on her and you will soon know if she wants to be with you or not.

If you don't have any kids, divorce - you'll not want to add children to the mix down the line, I promise you that.

As I said, take your time, take good care of yourself, and good luck.

Oberfeldwebel 25th September 2013 6:25 AM

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. There are few marriages that can't be saved if both parties are honest with each other and want them to work. The problem is you wife has not been honest and has all but told you she does not intend to go NC (ie....this will not be easy....). The hard thing for you is whether she is sincere in reconciliation. The best estimation of future behavior is past behavior. She told you she would still be shagging this guy and you none the wiser, if it wasn't for this little STD thing.

I recommend that you immediately consult an attorney, to determine your legal position. Let her know of your decision to file for divorce unless she immediately goes no contact with other man. The ball is now in her court, she can choose to be with you or OM. I don't believe that she respects you and thinks she can control you as she always has and will say she will go NC, but really won't. You need access to phone, email and media passwords to help you regain trust. If your gut tells you something is up.....then something is up.

I highly doubt she will go NC, so you will need to file for divorce. You also should do the 180 plan to help you heal and show her you can live without her. Additionally, you should consider exercise to help relieve the stress and make a healthier you, invest time in a hobby or start a new one.

Also I am concerned that you feel that you don't deserve a better marriage than one with a person that has cheated almost the entire time. I think you need to honestly look at yourself and your marriage. There is nothing in what you have described that shows any love or respect from her. You are probably a nice guy and provide a level of security, but is that really the kind of relationship you want long term? She may have been dishonest with you, but you have to be honest with yourself. Don't put a lot of value in what she tells you, actions speak louder than words.

NotTheLuckyOne 25th September 2013 6:48 AM

Thanks everyone for your words so far. I know there is still a great deal of thinking that has to be done, and there are conversations she and I still have to have to try to sort through this. Though when I bring up any kind of painful reminder, she now shuts down and doesn't want to talk about it. My hopes are not high at this point.

The one saving grace I suppose, we have no kids.

There are things like the house and vehicles that have both names on them, but honestly I could care less about sorting that stuff out at this point in time.

I know there's a great deal of myself I have to work on too. That's what I think I'm in the process of.

I'll post more later, off to work.

Thank you all.

-NTL1

aliveagain 25th September 2013 9:40 AM

She had to tell you about the affair because she infected you. I believe she is required by law to disclose all her sexual partners, I also believe they try and contact all parties so if she didn't tell they would have. Giving you an STD is not remorse, it just tells you she has been having unprotected sex(doesn't care about your safety) and was about to busted by the medical system. There is nothing worth saving here, just tainted goods and a lifetime of risk. Surely your worth better than this?

Steadfast 25th September 2013 10:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotTheLuckyOne (Post 5231804)
I know there is still a great deal of thinking that has to be done, and there are conversations she and I still have to have to try to sort through this.

Please don't take it wrong when I say you're going about it all wrong. Her actions deserve divorce. Pure and simple. Approach this situation from that point of view. What's more, that's the way she sees it too. Believe me. Your willingness to 'work through it' will only cause her to lose more respect for you. To see you as needy. That is not sexy. And while it's wise to not make any decisions when you're still in shock, do not engage her in any more conversations. About anything. Especially your relationship. Let your actions show her the consequences of her decisions. If, after seeing what she's done to your relationship causes her to approach you sincerely about repairing the marriage, then you can make the decision whether or not to try. If she doesn't, she wouldn't have anyway. Unlike men, and generally speaking when a woman cheats, she's done.

Do not try to talk her into anything. or talk it out. Nada. Even if you're successful, it'll only be temporary. At some point she will reason that you talked her into it. Talking will not fix what's wrong with her. Save your conversations for trusted family and friends. Get financial advice. Make an immediate, short term plan and a long range plan to give you direction.

Remember: A good wife is a wife who wants to be with her husband.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NotTheLuckyOne (Post 5231804)
I know there's a great deal of myself I have to work on too. That's what I think I'm in the process of.

That's true for everyone. That said, do not take the burden of her actions upon yourself. She will try to shift blame. This is going backwards. This will slow her healing and cause you confusion. Don't be confused. Be smart.

Keep posting.

drifter777 25th September 2013 1:05 PM

No kids? Don't waste your time, effort, and all the pain you will go through trying to reconcile with a remorseless cheater. Divorce her.


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