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Ouch...a story from a BH


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 25th September 2013, 2:02 PM   #16
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I would be careful about taking advice to give up a marriage from people who do not know ANYTHING about you other than what you tell us in a forum.


Your wife told you about her affair because of STD. Fine. Now the question is, what does she want to do about the marriage? about her lover?

If a woman has been cheating on you for 4 years without you know anything about it it is because you had your head buried in the sand. If you had had ANY emotional needs, you would have found out a long time ago that these were not being met by your wife, but rather, you were living in a quiet uneventful marriage. This can go on for years if BOTH spouses let it. But she wanted and needed something more: precisely what you were not prepared to offer her, not just not for a week, but for such a long time that when she found it in her lover she no longer NEEDED YOU for it.

Now the question is: WHAT DO YOU want to do about it? You want to fight for your marriage? Fight for it. She has a real fight on her hands. She has to WEAN herself OFF her lover because she has completely bonded with this guy and frankly is addicted to what this guy offers. You have to wonder why this guy puts up being with a married woman for 4 years, but that's HIS PROBLEM.

The ONLY solution you have to save your marriage is:that you can give her back the emotional highs that she NEEDS SO MUCH that she is willing to step out and get if from someone else she trusts.

that you can get some kind of MC to help you to RECONNECT your emotional life with your RATIONAL life so that the two of you can get your needs met, at least those that prevent straying, inside the marriage.

This will only happen if your wife AGREES TO THIS PLAN. If she doesn't, then kindly ASK her to leave. She MIGHT STILL WAKE UP after doing this.

Check out Emily Brown on Split Self Affairs. I think the kind of life your wife was leading has more to do with that - keeping the marriage alive at home but getting her emotional and physical gratification elsewhere.

Good luck. Just don't decide to do anything unless you KNOW ITS what YOU WANT.
wow! you pretty much blamed this man for his wife's infidelity, and are now advising him to cater to her "needs" in order to win her back.

great game plan..... NOT!

Last edited by Artie Lang; 25th September 2013 at 2:08 PM..
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:45 PM   #17
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File for divorce now, she does not show any remorse. You need to disclose to her family, your family.

Tell her that her lover has cheated on her, or why would she get the stds.
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Old 25th September 2013, 4:50 PM   #18
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File for divorce now, she does not show any remorse. You need to disclose to her family, your family.

Tell her that her lover has cheated on her, or why would she get the stds.
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Old 25th September 2013, 9:01 PM   #19
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I'm still so torn.

The biggest mistake we both made was not becoming adults before we decided to tie the knot, and neither one of us realized it. We never lived without each other from the time that we were 16, so once things got dicey, neither one of us knew how to deal with it. Consequence, this. I concede that I treated her more like a roommate than a wife for the first year of our M, but I still don't think that that in turn deserves a 4 year concealed A.

The other scumbag in this mess has a diagnosed mental disorder that isn't completely controlled with medication, so he self medicates with casual sex and drug use. I know far more about this person than I want to.

He's the complete polar opposite of what I am. He is literally EVERYTHING I despise. She's even told me this: "You're safe....he's made of red flags."

She is trying to put this on me, saying that I have to prove to her that in order for her to blow up her current situation, I have to prove that I won't hurt her ever again by showing her increased affection and attention. I don't feel like she deserves any affection or attention right now honestly...so we're at an impass.

This is why she won't got NC immediately and wants to "let him down gently". I told her that if she was actually serious about being committed to me, this wouldn't be a problem...so she counters with she's concerned about his current state of mind.

My first thought? "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn..."

Why am I putting up with this? Every bone in my body is screaming to run and get away, but I'm having a hard time pulling myself away from this.

I know this is not going to end well, regardless of what happens.
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Old 25th September 2013, 11:23 PM   #20
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Let her go, there is nothing for you with this woman, if you keep her she is going to step over you all our life, she is not remorseful and the only way you have a chance turnning this around is by giving her consequences, file for divorce. start 180, show indifference even if you dont feel that deep down, let her see what she is losing, this may turn the tide if you are willing to do something that is against what your heart is telling you
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Old 26th September 2013, 8:14 AM   #21
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She is more concerned about her OM and herself than you or your marriage.

Go see an attorney.

Have divorce papers drawn up and have her served in a public place.

Do not warn her.

Then watch her reaction.

Because if she is not crying for you or the marriage then you have your answer.

The affair is on her.

Your wife is a selfish cake eater.

Stand up for yourself and show her what self respect looks like.

HM
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Old 26th September 2013, 8:58 AM   #22
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This IS GOING TO END WELL regardless of what happens IF you THINK about what YOU WANT. You want a wife? GREAT. ARE you ready to give her the increased affection and attention SHE (and YOU) need? Yes or NO?

Why would she give up this guy who is DOING FOR HER WHAT YOU ARE NOT?

You are not responsible for the AFFAIR but you have to make a decision about REPAIRING the BEST part of being MARRIED if you want to have someone share their life with you. If you dont want to make that emotional commitment then let her go! You'll be just as happy without her as you are with her because if you DONT WANT her INTENSITY and you dont WANT TO GIVE IT BACK then maybe what you need is a room mate.

You will be happy with whichever you decide as long as you make an HONEST DECISION and either work on keeping her or work on a life without her.

Belief me, your happiness does not depend on what she wants, but on what you want.
I agree with you on the last sentence, and I also agree with the post above where you say that there are many possible choices if you're not satisfied with your relationship. Psstt... cheating is one of the most detrimental choices.

It seems to me you want OP to take responsibility for her affair and then do all the work. Does your advice include a free tickeet for his CW? He can't nice her back if she can't see that she's got something to lose. He'll just come across as needy and pathetic, BTDT - didn't work for me at least.

He's got to make it absolutely clear that she crossed a boundary, and that there will be consequences. Otherwise; why would she stop the cake eating??
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Old 26th September 2013, 9:29 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by NotTheLuckyOne View Post
I'm still so torn.

Why am I putting up with this? Every bone in my body is screaming to run and get away, but I'm having a hard time pulling myself away from this.

I know this is not going to end well, regardless of what happens.
It really is too bad that in so many of these stories the BS has to have a turn of heart for anything to be able to be resolved. Because once there is that turn of heart, there often is no turning back.

Please make the decision to make that turn before your heart does it for you ntl1. Let go, jump off, free yourself. You will feel so much better making the decision yourself than have life make it for you. It really is the only chance you have to be in control.
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Old 26th September 2013, 9:56 AM   #24
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Originally Posted by NotTheLuckyOne View Post
He's the complete polar opposite of what I am. He is literally EVERYTHING I despise. She's even told me this: "You're safe....he's made of red flags."
She likes naughty and she likes nice. What's new? I dare say most selfish, immature women are drawn to that ('nice' men for marriage, bad boys for hot sex) but men too. You don't have to be a Goodfella to keep a mother/wife and mistress.

Many mistake feeling torn for not liking their choices. You can stay with her -if she's willing to stay- and wonder what she's doing whenever she's not home, or face the certain loneliness/loss of removing yourself from the marriage. One thing is for sure; she's the only one who can choose for her.

You choose for you. Happiness is also a choice we must make.

This one seems cut and dried. Except, if you are to blame for creating the 'distance' that caused her to have an affair, why does she say that you're nice now? This double-talk is a common problem for the betrayed spouse.

I suspect the truth lies somewhere in the middle; she wants what she wants when she wants it. For many of us, that is unacceptable. You're not torn, you're screwed. You just haven't come to grips with it all yet.
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Old 26th September 2013, 8:00 PM   #25
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You need to LEAVE.

Pack some stuff and go to a Motel for a week. Get away from her while you do you thinking.

It has the added benefit so she knows you are SERIOUS about this and not willing to just let it go as if nothing happened.
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Old 26th September 2013, 8:19 PM   #26
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OP. Your wife is not taking responsibility. After a forced disclosure she did not choose to make, she is now faulting you, and much to your credit though it is to admit your past emotional distance and lack of perfection, this is really beside the point. Which is that she cheated on you for 80% of your marriage *at least* and to consider trusting anything she says is foolish.

This one is not going to come out stronger than before. I can not see trust returning or being justified.

Please OP do not invest your time and emotional energy in this. What you have put in so far is a sunk cost - you can't make good on this marriage, but you can make a better one elsewhere.

Start the ball rolling. See a lawyer. Tell her you are divorcing and she does not get to make that decision. Only if you really must, decide what would make you stay to try to work it out and give her a one time shot at%2

Last edited by TiredFamilyGuy; 26th September 2013 at 8:22 PM..
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Old 26th September 2013, 9:04 PM   #27
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Personally, because I have Self Respect, if my spouse said to me (who has been having an affair for 4 years) that if I don't do x,y,z then they will continue to see their lover. I would tell them to f'off.

I would pay to have the speediest divorce I could.

I wouldn't respond well to someone cutting off my limb, then asking me to make them breakfast the next morning. But maybe thats just me.
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Old 26th September 2013, 10:25 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by NotTheLuckyOne View Post
She is trying to put this on me, saying that I have to prove to her that in order for her to blow up her current situation, I have to prove that I won't hurt her ever again by showing her increased affection and attention. I don't feel like she deserves any affection or attention right now honestly...so we're at an impass.
She just told you that she has been cheating on for most of your marraige, and that she will not stop f**king this other man (OM) until you earn the privilege of her honoring her wedding vows to you by kissing her ars. She has no respect for you at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by NotTheLuckyOne View Post
she won't got NC immediately and wants to "let him down gently".
Even though you now know about it, she intends to continue to f**ck the OM's brains out because the OM and her have been doing this so often and for so long that they think that he has a right to this sex. The OM's feeling matter more to your wife than your feelings, because he is your wife's primary relationship. Knowing that you know, every time that the OM b*ngs your wife, both of them will be laughing at you in full disrespect. Thinking of your humiliation as he f**ks her will make the sex even better for both of them. If she cared or respected you at all, she would have dropped the OM and would be begging you to forgive her and to give her a second chance. Sorry for the graphic wording, but I am trying to wake you up to the reality of the situation.

The question is why you are allowing this? Why are you still in this marraige with such and unremorseful cheater? This marraige was over at least 4 years ago and probably before it started.

Last edited by Try; 26th September 2013 at 10:30 PM..
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Old 27th September 2013, 1:08 AM   #29
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You will never, ever get over this, why are you wasting your time negotiating your future with her? Why are you giving her control? There is no recovery here, she's still in her affair and she's telling you to get your sh*t together? If it takes you more than a nano second to make a decision than......na, don't want to go there.
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Old 27th September 2013, 2:52 AM   #30
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You cant negotiate with someone who is still in an A and holding onto it as a backup plan to the M.

Tell her she's either all in or all out. She doesn't get any more guarantees than you do that the M can be restored. If she's not strong enough to take that risk then she's not worth loving and you would be better off cutting your losses now.
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