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Moving on !!!


Helen A

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From say Jan - Aug it was kind of an emotional affair well I'm not sure reflecting back, it was pics/ lots of texts. A kiss happened in Aug and then the end of Aug it went that bit further but only happened on two occasions.

 

I decided I had to take a step back out of this as we are both married with kids and I wasn't handling it very well - I was getting obsessive, crazy etc. I believe this though because of how horrible he was - he'd go quiet for ages then come back. Reflecting back he treated me like **** and was def using me, I was the one that really liked him and was acting crazy.

 

After the 2nd occasion which was physical and he did the same again not speaking to me unless I text him I'd had enough. Why am I risking my life for some idiot who doesn't care at all about me I was thinking I don't want to be with him, it's all just attention/stupid/not worth it.

 

What bothered me was how he could do something like this and just NOT be bothered as if it was nothing - how he could sit with the four of us and be fine, because I have decided not to tell I have to be in contact with them as to not be would be suspicious.

 

I'm in NC at the moment and feeling in a much better place but I'm looking at my husband and I feel awful. How do you move past this?

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OP:

The only way to move past this is to come clean with your husband and not hang out with your lover anymore. Anything less will only keep you in limbo and make you crazy and emotional. If you do not tell your husband the truth, you are still living the lie regardless of what you tell yourself.

Luck,

Grumps

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Grumps we don't see them all the time it can go months sometimes or sometimes it can be quite a bit. I'm trying not to make any arrangements for a long time now until I've got over this.

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"How do you move past this?"

Unfortunately that won't be easy. Your H doesn't know you anymore and you know that, he doesn't. To truly reconnect with your H you'll have to tell him...and then you'll have a lot of work to do. Several years worth. If you are honest it improves your chances of reconciliation by a lot, even if the initial confession is hard and traumatic. If he discovers some other way down the line, things will be much worse and less likely to get better. Trust is a hard thing to restore.

 

1) Complete honesty, no lies or holding truth back. You need to prove you can tell the truth even when it's hard.

2) Complete transparency, give up all passwords, etc. Let him snoop. If OM contacts you, tell your H right away. Don't hide it.

3) A good apology, including expressing shame, validating his pain, proving you have a plan to prevent this from ever happening again.

4) Like you've said, complete NC with OMM.

5) Ride the roller coaster of emotions with your H.

6) Show and express love for your H.

7) Don't blame the affair on your H. Find what was broken inside of you that made this happen and work on it.

8) Go to counseling, marriage or individual or both. Find a good counselor who specializes in infidelity.

 

Hopefully working through this and walking that narrow path toward reconciliation you can achieve a better marriage.

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OP:

The only way to move past this is to come clean with your husband and not hang out with your lover anymore. Anything less will only keep you in limbo and make you crazy and emotional. If you do not tell your husband the truth, you are still living the lie regardless of what you tell yourself.

Luck,

Grumps

 

"How do you move past this?"

 

Unfortunately that won't be easy. Your H doesn't know you anymore and you know that, he doesn't. To truly reconnect with your H you'll have to tell him...and then you'll have a lot of work to do. Several years worth. If you are honest it improves your chances of reconciliation by a lot, even if the initial confession is hard and traumatic. If he discovers some other way down the line, things will be much worse and less likely to get better. Trust is a hard thing to restore.

 

1) Complete honesty, no lies or holding truth back. You need to prove you can tell the truth even when it's hard.

2) Complete transparency, give up all passwords, etc. Let him snoop. If OM contacts you, tell your H right away. Don't hide it.

3) A good apology, including expressing shame, validating his pain, proving you have a plan to prevent this from ever happening again.

4) Like you've said, complete NC with OMM.

5) Ride the roller coaster of emotions with your H.

6) Show and express love for your H.

7) Don't blame the affair on your H. Find what was broken inside of you that made this happen and work on it.

8) Go to counseling, marriage or individual or both. Find a good counselor who specializes in infidelity.

 

Hopefully working through this and walking that narrow path toward reconciliation you can achieve a better marriage.

 

 

You did not have a EA.

 

You had a PA.

 

You must go NC with this other family. You must tell your BH.

 

There is no way around doing those things. To has an affair is to disrespect your BH. To have a PA with BH friend is a double disrespect. To let your OM act as if is your BH friend is to triple disrespect your BH.

 

How can you let the OM sit there and smirk at your BH, at least on the inside, while the OM acts as if is your BH trusted friend.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
What bothered me was how he could do something like this and just NOT be bothered as if it was nothing - how he could sit with the four of us and be fine, because I have decided not to tell I have to be in contact with them as to not be would be suspicious.

 

Maybe he is bothered by it but just doesn't show it. Maybe he is confused and doesn't know how to act. If you really love him, are you willing to just let him go? If he attempts to contact you to make amends, will you not even consider it?

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I confessed everything to my H at the risk of losing it all because I wanted him to know the truth and be able to choose what he wanted to do. I couldn't keep pushing the guilt away. I couldn't look him in the eyes without feelin the sharpness of my betrayal. Mine was a physical A and from readin ok here it seems that men have a harder time with that. But my H was the exception and we are in R.

 

I told him everything right away.

 

I never mentioned my H. I didn't say "you weren't giving me enough sex" or anything like that. The only thing about my H I mentioned to him was that I had did it planning for him never to find out.

 

You don't get upset when he wants to talk about i over and over.

 

The only thing you do not stand for is physical abuse.

 

Work on making the confession all about your faults and problems. Because the A was 100% your fault and any pre exsisting marital problems need to take a back burner for now.

 

Don't protect the OM but don't lie about him either. Or blame him.

 

But tell. It will be the hardest thing you ever have to do but tell. And show your H you are truly repentive by taking the initiative to block xMM from all social media, hand over any evidence of the A, tell him i he wants you to tell the other BS or if he wants to you support the decision 100%. Get into IC. Write a NC letter and give to your H to read and see if he wants you to send it.

 

Let your H take all the time he needs to sort thru everything.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
Aah Mr Fitzpatrick. See, we hit the 'notch' as I call it. Where's the love for her husband? Will she not confess/work on her marriage/ give him the chance to divorce and find someone who loves him unconditionally?

 

This is REAL LIFE. Betsy, you're not Anna Karenina or Madame Bovary.

 

Where's the love for her husband, her family? Where's the 'I forsake all others for your sake'. Love, my friend, is more than a verb or a noun. It is a conscious choice.

 

You and I both know that men rarely commit to a woman who is capable of cheating on her husband. You, dear sir, forget the fact that he couldn't be bothered enough to call her again.

 

Will he leave his wife for her? Real Love, my friend, rarely involves sneaking behind your spouse to screw someone else. Does his definition of love include ruining the lives of her children?

 

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

 

 

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.

Zora Neale Hurston

 

Betsy doesn't want to hear about infidelity, and sneaking, and lying, and stabbing her husband in the back and all that unpleasantness. She certainly doesn't want to "move past this." If you read between the lines, Betsy wants to know what she can do to win back the man she is obsessed with.

 

If you have been here for a while and have a half-decent memory, you will know that Betsy hasn't taken a bit of advice that has been given to her. Betsy likes posters she agrees with, she rarely even acknowledges those she doesn't agree with. I don't think she even reads the posts to the end if it's not what she wants to hear. Betsy will not pay any attention to those types of posts until her life is in tatters, with all hope lost, and she has hit rock bottom.

 

So I think Betsy should do what's best for Betsy. If she doesn't look out for herself, who will (besides her husband)? Who knows, maybe she will be the exception to the rule and her and her other man will go on to live long and happy lives together, after they get on the same page. It could happen. I know, because I've seen it in movies. Betsy, you only get one time around, so go for it! You go, girl!

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick
What bothered me was how he could do something like this and just NOT be bothered as if it was nothing - how he could sit with the four of us and be fine, because I have decided not to tell I have to be in contact with them as to not be would be suspicious.

 

I'm in NC at the moment and feeling in a much better place but I'm looking at my husband and I feel awful. How do you move past this?

 

Betsy, how does this "no contact" thing work?

 

You are in "NC" "at the moment", but you have to be "in contact" with him?

 

I thought NC meant no contact, as in NO contact, no? Or does it mean "no control"? I'm getting confused.

 

Edit: WAIT! I think I just figured it out! You mean you are in "no contact" "at the moment" until the next time you see him again. I get it! Just like I've been on a diet since the last time I ate, and I will stay on it until the next time I eat. I love being able to figure out puzzles.

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Oh, so now you ended up having sex with him twice. Lovely. How do you move on? Tell your husband and his wife, your so called "mate". That will put the nail in the coffin.

 

Only once. Kiss the first time.

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From say Jan - Aug it was kind of an emotional affair well I'm not sure reflecting back, it was pics/ lots of texts. A kiss happened in Aug and then the end of Aug it went that bit further but only happened on two occasions.

 

I decided I had to take a step back out of this as we are both married with kids and I wasn't handling it very well - I was getting obsessive, crazy etc. I believe this though because of how horrible he was - he'd go quiet for ages then come back. Reflecting back he treated me like **** and was def using me, I was the one that really liked him and was acting crazy.

 

After the 2nd occasion which was physical and he did the same again not speaking to me unless I text him I'd had enough. Why am I risking my life for some idiot who doesn't care at all about me I was thinking I don't want to be with him, it's all just attention/stupid/not worth it.

 

What bothered me was how he could do something like this and just NOT be bothered as if it was nothing - how he could sit with the four of us and be fine, because I have decided not to tell I have to be in contact with them as to not be would be suspicious.

 

I'm in NC at the moment and feeling in a much better place but I'm looking at my husband and I feel awful. How do you move past this?

 

Only once. Kiss the first time.

 

Oh and I do read all the threads.

 

I have ended it.

 

I'm just trying to move on it's hard with nobody to talk to.

 

 

Why are you contradicting yourself. You need to learn how to be honest.

 

You have your BH to talk to. He needs you to be honest as well. Let us know how the talk goes.

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If your husband had an affair would you want him to tell you? Tell him before someone else does.

 

My friend found out about his wife's affair, from a phone call. The man in the affair cheated on his AP and gave her an std. She was furious about the std and her AP cheating on her.

 

She was upset that he would cheat with her and also cheat on her. I am sure your AP would not be seeing several married women at the same time. You know him and he would cheat with you, but not on you.

 

So the upset married women found out some more and called my friend. If you can control your cheating affair partner, then your husband will not find out. But if he brags about his conquests, the word could get out and someone will call your husband.

 

So tell him now, it is better coming from you. And I am sure that your AP will not give you stds.

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Harry I'm not sure id want him to tell me if it was over.

 

There's absolutely no chance of him telling/admitting it anything that I know.

 

The OM that is.

 

I want to move on I'm doing okay and then I'm taking ten steps back

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What bothered me was how he could do something like this and just NOT be bothered as if it was nothing - how he could sit with the four of us and be fine, because I have decided not to tell I have to be in contact with them as to not be would be suspicious.

Because you were just a piece of ass to him. He has no feelings for you now that he got into your pants. He's already looking for his next conquest.

I'm in NC at the moment and feeling in a much better place but I'm looking at my husband and I feel awful. How do you move past this?

Cheaters don't have as much trouble "getting past this" as their betrayed spouses. You have a choice as to whether to tell him or not. You could just keep your mouth shut and deal with your secret. As far as your guilt, it will pass. The damage to your husband when he finds out about your cheating will never pass. Your call.

 

Divorce is much more likely if he finds out on his own - which is a real possibility because you see OM and his betrayed wife.

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Because you were just a piece of ass to him. He has no feelings for you now that he got into your pants. He's already looking for his next conquest.

 

Cheaters don't have as much trouble "getting past this" as their betrayed spouses. You have a choice as to whether to tell him or not. You could just keep your mouth shut and deal with your secret. As far as your guilt, it will pass. The damage to your husband when he finds out about your cheating will never pass. Your call.

 

Divorce is much more likely if he finds out on his own - which is a real possibility because you see OM and his betrayed wife.

 

 

That's a good point. I'm not I'm going to have to deal with this and get past it. I have an almost 4 year old little girl and not ruining our lives.

 

Although I have been just as bad as him, OM is cold and heartless and nothing bothers him. Cheating and then acting as if it's nothing - makes me wonder if it's a regular thing with him.

 

I'm bored stiff myself of all this now and it's time for me to move on - whether I'm feeling bad or not. The facts - he's just a scumbag he didn't care he will never change , I made a mistake get over it and move on.

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The way I see it Betsy is that you have still done absolutely nothing to end this affair and save your marriage. It is only "over"because the MOM has not sent you a sweet talking text. You still plan to have contact with him and his wife in the future even though in your last thread you said you would try to figure out a way to end all contact. You are still thinking about the MOM and what motivates him. You are not thinking about what made you do all this damage and you are not taking any real action to end it. You are just passively sitting there lapping up all this drama.

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No Anne I don't want any sweet talking texts any texts.

Since I posted last I've been doing NC and I haven't made any plans or arrangements with them.

 

What I'm trying to do is just move on from it all but I'm feeling bad about it and I'm still analysing why, what's wrong with me, etc.

 

I haven't got his phone number anymore I've taken it out of my phone.

 

I guess I just feel stupid and kind of used.

 

And I haven't told anybody so have nobody to talk to

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I am a MM with a lover or two and plenty in my past. Only my personal opinion, but I would never say a word to your Husband about all of this. Most affairs go undiscovered. Whether you had sex with him once or 300 times, it's over, history. Recommit yourself to your husband and your family if that's what you want. I suppose your OM could say something but chances are he won't if he values his assets. If you need to confess go see a catholic preist (just keep your kids away from him), a bartender in a random city, then start living again. And for the record I have been hanging out here for a while and the conventional wisdom is to always confess, I think because most of the pepole here were BS, so they will always want full disclosure, and since they went through a meat grinder, they think everyone should.

Do some thinking for yourself and realize that this is an impersonal place full of anonmyous strangers. Good luck to you.

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No Anne I don't want any sweet talking texts any texts.

Since I posted last I've been doing NC and I haven't made any plans or arrangements with them.

 

What I'm trying to do is just move on from it all but I'm feeling bad about it and I'm still analysing why, what's wrong with me, etc.

 

I haven't got his phone number anymore I've taken it out of my phone.

 

I guess I just feel stupid and kind of used.

 

And I haven't told anybody so have nobody to talk to

 

But you are still being totally passive in this whole process. You have done nothing at all to change the situation. No real NC. No books read. No MC or IC. How on earth do you expect to get past all this if you do nothing to improve the situation?

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Hey Scott, not reccomending anything except to let sleeping dogs lay, and to think for herself. My experience here tells me that any WS showing up will be "overwhelmed" as the majority of posters here are BS, wanting or demanding confession. Not every marriage counselor (and they are the experts right?) advocate for full disclosure as each situation is different. Betsie has decide for herself if confessing is the right solution for her situation. Based on the information she presented, I would say no, of course I would never confess, that is me and what I decided for myself and my situation. With regards to discovery down the road, I would imagine that there are marriages where divorce would be the inevitable outcome and where it would not, so posting links to threads where it was does not mean anything really. No disrespect to any LS poster, it is really easy to sit at a computer and dispense advice as though it was the "ONLY" thing to do.

 

Just expressing my opinion like everyone else on here does.

 

 

A Lion offering advice on how to become a Vegetarian.

How Jolly Wonderful!

 

 

You're asking her to keep lying and deceiving her husband?

So he has no right to decide if he wants to live with someone who cheated?

How condescending! No offence mate, but your posts smacks of 'keep on lying to your husband'.

 

Yes, this is an impersonal place full on anonymous strangers. Some of those strangers, like ISAYWHOA and Randy discovered that their wives cheated years ago but hid the affair. They are divorcing their wives now. Something Betsy would want to look at!

 

Anyway, Dear Betsy, read the following two threads. This couple reconciled after an affair and their marriage is stronger:

 

How Much Detail?

 

Wife's affair, how to move forward?

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When you have an affair, and also when you hide it from your husband, you have built a wall between yourself and your husband.

 

You hide things from him, your thoughts are on other things, (OM), and you must have this distance so that he will not find out.

 

You have made a chasm between you and your husband. In order to justify your actions, you are in the fog, and you have to rewrite your history. His faults are magnified and you never loved him, do not know him as a good father or husband.

 

My wife has a good female friend of hers tell her she thought that the relationship that I had with our daughters was wonderful, that if more fathers helped their daughters like I did, and that I treated each of our daughters like a princess.

 

She at least came out of the fog on my merits as a father. She had to believe that I was a rotten man for her to be able to justify her affair or affairs.

 

Tell your husband the truth and work on taking down the wall you built between you and your husband for your daughter's sake. Do not hide the affair. Others could decide to expose you, as your OM will brag about the notches on his belt, and many others will know. Someone will get mad at you and tell your husband. They will give him evidence because your OM will have many affair partners and one of them will give him an std or he will give one of them an std. People get angry about stds.

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You also have pictures and texts. There was no way my wife could keep on the deny deny deny game, when they sent me the pictures. I still can not get this out of my head and it has been 3 years. I think about it every blasted day.

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Harry I'm not sure id want him to tell me if it was over.

 

There's absolutely no chance of him telling/admitting it anything that I know.

 

The OM that is.

 

I want to move on I'm doing okay and then I'm taking ten steps back

 

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