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I don't want to cheat but I'm unhappy in my marriage


readytohouse87

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readytohouse87

I've met John since we were in HS and we were very similar in many ways. Both us never been on a date before, liked reading books, hated partying and drinking, had strict parents and like doing joining after school clubs and activities.

 

As time moved forward, we moved together on June 2008 (our graduation year), by 2010 we were engaged and got married the following year.

 

The problem first started when we would have unprotected sex many times and can't get pregnant. We've been trying for about 2 years now. The last time we tried was 3 months ago and once again had to face the disappointment of my period. Ever since then I haven't been in the mood to be intimate with him and he is frustrated with the situation.

 

Another problem is I've been making new friends in my workplace, esp this guy Chris. They go to parties at times as it helps me get rid of my anger on not being able to get pregnant no matter how many times we've been trying. I told my husband about the party and he still isn't interest in it. All he seems to be focused on is working, his books and starting another major. I still like books too but now I'm starting to think I never had fun during my earlier years.

 

Then I've been talking more with Chris during those 3 depressing months. We've been talking for an hour on the phone and sometimes spend on time talking through a cam telling sweet things to each other. As the day passes by, he seems to be interesting me more and I've developed attraction towards him. Suddenly, I've also develop an interest in parties and drink at times. It's like I've been changing. Does anyone have an suggestion on my situation?

 

What's happening to me? I don't want to cheat but when I'm with Chris, it's like there is this strong attraction towards him that now I'm not having with my husband or is the spark going away? I do love my husband but it's like I haven't live enough, he seems too busy nowadays and never wants to come to the party invitations.

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readytohouse87

Can the sparks be back? A couple hours ago, once again I spend talking with Chris with my cam on but this time our conversation was starting to get a bit deep.

 

I wish there was a way to forget him and the parties but I feel like I've changed into someone new.

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Unhappy spouse + "friend"= future physical cheating. I don't even understand how people jump from unhappy to cheating. Working things out or leaving seem like the logical choices to me.

 

You're already emotionally cheating. It's so easy to catch someone when their having issues with their relationship. You should talk to your husband to see if things can be fixed or you get a divorce before being physically intimate with Chris.

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You should never cheat him then after feeling the guilt or get caught you say sorry to him then pretends like you really regret it and ask for a second change. Then you start another thread here asking for advice what you should do. LOL

Edited by happysong
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whatatangledweb

You need to sit down and discuss all these issues with your husband. He can't do anything to help if doesn't know. Just mentioning things is not the same as a heart to heart discussion.

 

Trying to get pregnant and it not happening is hard on both people and it can effect your marriage. You need to talk to him.

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I've met John since we were in HS and we were very similar in many ways. Both us never been on a date before, liked reading books, hated partying and drinking, had strict parents and like doing joining after school clubs and activities.

 

As time moved forward, we moved together on June 2008 (our graduation year), by 2010 we were engaged and got married the following year.

 

The problem first started when we would have unprotected sex many times and can't get pregnant. We've been trying for about 2 years now. The last time we tried was 3 months ago and once again had to face the disappointment of my period. Ever since then I haven't been in the mood to be intimate with him and he is frustrated with the situation.

 

Another problem is I've been making new friends in my workplace, esp this guy Chris. They go to parties at times as it helps me get rid of my anger on not being able to get pregnant no matter how many times we've been trying. I told my husband about the party and he still isn't interest in it. All he seems to be focused on is working, his books and starting another major. I still like books too but now I'm starting to think I never had fun during my earlier years.

 

Then I've been talking more with Chris during those 3 depressing months. We've been talking for an hour on the phone and sometimes spend on time talking through a cam telling sweet things to each other. As the day passes by, he seems to be interesting me more and I've developed attraction towards him. Suddenly, I've also develop an interest in parties and drink at times. It's like I've been changing. Does anyone have an suggestion on my situation?

 

What's happening to me? I don't want to cheat but when I'm with Chris, it's like there is this strong attraction towards him that now I'm not having with my husband or is the spark going away? I do love my husband but it's like I haven't live enough, he seems too busy nowadays and never wants to come to the party invitations.

 

You haven't lived life.

 

Get out and enjoy before it is too late,

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You are building attraction with this guy by going over the boundaries of what's healthy.

 

You can control yourself when attracted to someone else. It may not seem like it, but men do this all the time. I'm attracted to God knows how many women I meet, but I don't go trying to start something with them.

 

When you got married your husband made a commitment to ignore these attractions...maybe you thought you never even would have attraction for someone else? It happens. You are human. Doesn't mean you need to act on it.

 

If you are turning into drinking party girl, talk to your H about it. Go to counseling. Confess you have been involved in an emotional affair to be fair to your H. He needs to know what he's up against whether you split or not. Don't let him think this is his fault somehow. Maybe he can compromise on lifestyles(partying more) if he knows what you want and that the M is at stake. Let him know the new you so you don't have this disconnect of him loving the old you, and you being resentful because he has no idea who you really are because you've hidden it from him.

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readytohouse87

Yes I'm taking this too far and I feel like a liar already. I'll speak to husband about. I still love him but it's just what I've changed so far ever time.

 

I have thought about going to the doctor to find out what's going on but now I'm thinking that maybe I might be still too early to have a child. We're only 23 years old.

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You haven't lived life.

 

Get out and enjoy before it is too late,

^^^^ This! ^^^^ Just make sure the divorce is final before you start seeing other guys.

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Betterthanthis13

I'm sorry you and your husband are having a difficult time conceiving. But look on the bright side- you did not bring a child in to a marriage that is not rock solid like many of us did. Imagine how much more difficult this situation would be if you were contemplating cheating on your husband AFTER you already had kids with him.

 

THINK about what you are doing. Don't hurt your husband and don't hurt the other guy. Stop lying---snap out of it, and start taking care of yourself before you do something that can not be reversed. OK, you like books. OK, you want to go to parties.... ??? What does any of that mean, really? Grow up and be accountable for your actions so you can sleep at night. Living a double life is not the answer. I am sincerely, very sorry that having children did not come easy for you. My best friend and her husband have been through 4 IVF cycles so I am familiar with the process and how difficult it is. What answer are you looking for? What do you want to hear?

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Stop contacting your affair partner. Give him a NC email and show your husband.

 

Have you thought about the pain that you are causing? Your affair partner is a fantasy and not real life.

 

First try to fix things with your husband. If you can not do this, then divorce. But do not contact your affair partner even if you divorce. If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

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Cheating - if you have a conscience and character - always....ALWAYS makes things worse.

 

Not only is this friend a danger to your marriage, he is a danger to your own emotional well being because his presence in your life will just make the struggle and confusion and temptation that much worse.

 

Really really talk to your husband. Bare your heart and soul. Write it out first and read it if you need to. Then try to find a solution together. If after reall and continued honesty he just....won't "take up the mantel", then the choice is kind of made for you - he is choosing not to BE a husband, so he is choosing not to be YOUR husband.

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We're only 23 years old.

Read this article.

 

In short, you have "half-baked brain syndrome." You two simply got married before either of you had fully developed as adults. It still hasn't happened yet and won't for several years - which is why you want to go out and party and drink and he wants to study and get another degree.

 

You are both are still developing into the people that you are meant to be and in that process, you are going to become attracted to and want to experience other people and things. Many of us have gone through it (early marriage and whatnot) and know that few marriages that begin in the teens last...

 

If you want your marriage to last, you need to have full disclosure on EVERYTHING. Talk about EVERYTHING including those emotional changes that you are both are going through now and will continue to go through.

 

Please - do NOT introduce the idea of a baby into the mix yet. You are going to have "Grass Is Greener Syndrome" of wishing you had sowed your wild oats and more. Don't think it is not going to happen because we can guarantee that it will. But if you want to stay with your husband, acknowledge the changes that you will both be experiencing and it is possible to grow together.

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You already are cheating. You are having an EA/emotional affair.

 

You must go NC with your OM. Then tell your BH of your EA. Answer his questions about the EA with 100% honesty.

 

Set up counseling for you and your BH.

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Mickey_Fitzpatrick

If you are having problems in your marriage, talk to your husband about them.

 

Don't worry about losing Chris, there are always more guys like Chris out there and there always are more guys you will have a connection with. But work on your marriage first.

 

You won't be able to stay married if you continue to see Chris at all. It will be too distracting and tempting for you. You have to make up your mind that if you want to work on your marriage, Chris has to be completely out of your life - no see, no talk, no message.

 

It seems odd to want a baby when you don't feel close to your husband. Having a baby likely will make you feel further apart, not bring you closer together.

 

When you are ready for a baby, if you are having problems conceiving, see a doctor about what might be causing it.

 

Why throw your husband overboard for Chris at this time? If you've never been a cheater before, is that what you want to become now? Once you do it, it's done. You can't go back and undo it. Right now, you can say, "I never cheated on my husband." After you cheat, you can't say that anymore. I am not aware of any culture anywhere in the world where lying and cheating and deceiving the one you pledged to love the most are considered good things.

Edited by Mickey_Fitzpatrick
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"You can't unfu*K yourself once you cross over that line, you own it for life, your taking a branding iron to your soul because regardless of who knows about your infidelity, you will always know." The more time you put into your relationship with Chris the further away your getting from your husband, just more of what is the foundation of your marriage crumbling into dust. Talk to your husband, get help before you slip to far down the slippery slope you put yourself on. Your here posting for a reason, you know it's wrong, do the right thing, don't take the cowards way out.

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Your only seeing what the OM wants you too see. He's on his best behavior and no doubt see's you as a vulnerable woman and if given half a chance, will make you feel real comfortable and then make his move. If that happens then you can't re write history. It will be too late. So you ask yourself it it's worth ruining your marriage.

 

Your already half way there by continuing to talk to him and the more you confide in him the noose will tighten. Your going down a very dangerous road friend so you have two choices. Continue getting more personal with this other guy and run the risk of blowing your marriage up or acting like an adult and ending it.

 

You say you love your husband. Honestly your actions and behavior are saying another. Cool it with the OM or tell your husband you want out of the marriage, then you can go to all the parties that you want to and your husband can find a woman that will give him what he needs.

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underwater2010

First of all....stop what you are doing NOW. You are already cheating on your husband....its called an EA. You have made the mistake of turning away from each other rather than towards each other during a rough patch.

 

If you truly want the marriage, then distance yourself from this guy and start talking with your husband. Figure out if having kids at this point is truly important to BOTH of you. If it is take the steps to get tested for infertility. Figure out the whys. But to be honest with you....I suggest you waiting on having kids. You are not in the right place in your marriage and he is still working on his schooling.

 

As far as partying...I am a firm believer that dinner dates and parties with other couples are productive to a marriage....not partying with single other people. If you are looking to live the single life then you need to end this marriage. It is still early enough and there are no kids. Yes it will hurt, but it is better than living a lie.

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underwater2010
Can the sparks be back? A couple hours ago, once again I spend talking with Chris with my cam on but this time our conversation was starting to get a bit deep.

 

I wish there was a way to forget him and the parties but I feel like I've changed into someone new.

Marriage is not always about the sparks. It is a companionship with support and love. It is taking the good and bad and making the best of what life throws your way. It is not selfish and not about the what did you do for me game. What you are describing is the brains response to a new connection...it only lasts long enough to bond two people together.

 

If you believe that love consist of constant butterflys then you are not mature enough to handle a marriage and need to end it before you invest to much time.

 

There is a reason that most marriages in their early twenties end up divorced. That is the time period where you should be experiencing life ie partying, drinking etc.

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Is there any chance you have already cheated with Chris physically? ie - kissed or had sex with him? If not, I am impressed you have the foresight to come on this forum first... most people are here to pick up the pieces afterwards. If you have not physically cheated yet, you are lucky indeed.

 

You MUST, must tell your husband everything, including the parts he will least want to hear. Tell him the story of how your feelings changed. If you are not sure about how you feel about some issues - that is fine, providing it is the truth.

 

The issue regarding fertility is not the real problem here. That can be resolved by medical examination. The real problem is that you two are drifting apart anyway. The only way to resolve that is by honest communication.

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Hi Ready, I have a few questions for you. You say you have been chatting and web camming with this fellow Chris so I guess you do it from home. If that be so has your husband not noticed this activity at all? If he has then has he not questioned you? Is your not being able to conceive causing resentment towards your husband? Have both of you been tested for fertility problems? If not then why not?

 

The two of you are very young and as some folks on the forum have already mentioned you may not yet have developed into the people that you will eventually become. In other words you both are still evolving. That said you have to decide whether you still love your husband enough to make a life with him. If not then the best would be to divorce and move on. Both of you will find others with whom you can make a happy and fruitful life and there is no need for either of you to hang on to each other and be miserable. So think about it and make your choices wisely. Warm wishes and cheers!

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