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Wife had an affair. Stay Married or Divorce?


Fredflintstone

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Fredflintstone

okay,

 

My wife has had an affair, fairly recently. I found out about it and asked her to stop it, which she did. Our marriage wasn't that great for awhile, things both of us did or didn't do caused it to decline. I think I was in shock at first because although she had the affair I accepted my part in creating the situation that lead up to it. After repeatedly questioning her, however, I began to get angry ( I believe she told me everything) I would have times when I was ok to times when I began to cry about it.

 

She has mental health issues and a few weeks before it started she stopped taking her medication ( I also know she was emotionally unstable, cried alot and felt very lonely) which I think contributed to what happened. She told me they first met for coffee and she told him that we had split (she lied).

 

She wanted a friend, she said he was very nice and they used to talk for hours. she felt he took an interest in her as a person and felt wanted and appreciated. She told me he tried it on with her, she felt that she couldn't say no because he'd been so nice to her, afterwards she thought she'd ruined our marraige (if I found out, obviously) and felt trapped by what had happened. All the while this affair was going on she told me she was saving up for a house (I was too but I didnt know she had any money) she'd done some work for his business whilst they were together and he paid her for it. There were other things she said that she was planning things for our future too, this really got to me, how can someone be doing those things and have an affair??

 

Having read what I just wrote, it doesn't go anywhere near explaining my situation too well but I hope you can get an idea of how things were. She says she loves me, didn't really want to be with this guy for sex (which according to her was only 3 times and it was terrible anyway, she didn't respond to his advances at all, just let him do it. I personally find that disgusting, he must have known that she wasn't interested and she still wore our wedding ring, which has been something I think about). I know she didn't want to be with him because before I found out about it she began moving her stuff back from her mothers house(she'd been there for about 3 weeks) and saying that she was willing to carry on our relationship.

 

We have two children one of which she took with her to play with his son. The whole sex part, however is the big obstacle for me, it's killing me, I keep asking myself why, I am trying to reason it out and I am getting no where. I remember when she first talked about this guy on face book, she thought we were related and asked him if we were. after a week or two she told me she was still in contact with him, saying he's a friendly guy, I warned her then that he was after something other than friendship, 14 months later they had this affair. I've told her repeatedly that I wish she'd divorced me that would have been preferable but she said she never thought about it.

Anyway with lots of thinking ( although it's only been since late August) I feel that I still love her and want to be with her.

 

I am as certain as I can be that she is very regretful and wish it never happened.

I'm not religious and don't really care about marriage, my wife, however liked the idea of getting married, she said she wanted the security and safety and said it would make her very happy, I loved her alot and because of this I married her and we were very happy.

 

Now though, as you can imagine I'm pretty angry, I feel that my marriage is a complete pile of horse crap, it means nothing to be married as it doesn't stop you from doing this or anything else you want. I have told my wife that I would stay with her but I want a divorce as I no longer respect the ideals or values marriage is supposed to represent. My wife has made herself ill trying to convince me. She doesn't want a divorce, she loves me, this will never happen again (we've both made big changes) and has bent over backwards trying to let me know how much she loves me and cares. She phones me at work at lease 3 times a day, brings me lunch and stays with me until I have to go.

 

I've given some background about what happened and what is bugging me about it. Do I divorce and stay with her (she said she'd stay with me no matter what) or stay married to make her feel better? Marriage means nothing to me, it offers nothing I can't get from just being together without the marriage. I guess, though, our children will not like it but it shouldn't matter, nothing changes for them.Is this common thoughts for couples who stay together, anyone else know of people who have done this?

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Now though, as you can imagine I'm pretty angry, I feel that my marriage is a complete pile of horse crap, it means nothing to be married as it doesn't stop you from doing this or anything else you want. I have told my wife that I would stay with her but I want a divorce as I no longer respect the ideals or values marriage is supposed to represent. My wife has made herself ill trying to convince me. She doesn't want a divorce, she loves me, this will never happen again (we've both made big changes) and has bent over backwards trying to let me know how much she loves me and cares. She phones me at work at lease 3 times a day, brings me lunch and stays with me until I have to go.

 

I've given some background about what happened and what is bugging me about it. Do I divorce and stay with her (she said she'd stay with me no matter what) or stay married to make her feel better? Marriage means nothing to me, it offers nothing I can't get from just being together without the marriage. I guess, though, our children will not like it but it shouldn't matter, nothing changes for them.Is this common thoughts for couples who stay together, anyone else know of people who have done this?

Well, sounds like divorce is the healthiest option for you

 

Your wife doesn't regret having an affair, she regrets being caught...there's a big difference.

 

Who cares if she bends over backwards or whatever now that you've discovered her affair. If she loves you so much, why did she cheat? Answer: she doesn't love you enough not to cheat on you.

 

Reconciliation takes two willing parties. If you're ready to move on, move on. A toxic marriage can be worse for kids than a clean divorce.

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however liked the idea of getting married, she said she wanted the security and safety and said it would make her very happy, I loved her alot and because of this I married her and we were very happy.

 

^^^ This answers why she is doing what you wrote below. You are the stability but not the fun.

 

My wife has made herself ill trying to convince me. She doesn't want a divorce, she loves me, this will never happen again (we've both made big changes) and has bent over backwards trying to let me know how much she loves me and cares. She phones me at work at lease 3 times a day, brings me lunch and stays with me until I have to go.

 

She wanted a friend, she said he was very nice and they used to talk for hours. she felt he took an interest in her as a person and felt wanted and appreciated. She told me he tried it on with her, she felt that she couldn't say no because he'd been so nice to her, afterwards she thought she'd ruined our marraige (if I found out, obviously) and felt trapped by what had happened.

 

More Bull S*** double speak, it's one thing to come forward and say, "i F'd up i want to fix or marriage and will do whatever it takes" vs sugar coating Bull S****. She felt "trapped" is because she still is emotionally involved with the OM but is scared sh**less about losing the security you provide.

 

You have kids and i understand your views on marriage; but you can divorce amicably and give the kids a good life. But it is up to you if you want to deal with this going forward. Lot's of R and you dont seem to be sold on the idea of the commitment. Her actions validated your beliefs in essence.

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Get a divorce.

 

You only get to be alive for 100 years in this lifetime.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life attached to someone who has betrayed your trust. your mind. your soul.

 

As long as you love and take care of your kids nothing should matter.

 

As one human being to another... don't waste your life trying to fix was is undeniably broken.

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All of us BS's understand the pain you are going through right now and most of us want to offer you constructive feedback. Since we can only offer advice based on our own experiences, the feedback may or may not apply to your situation.

 

Before we get too much further you said that you discovered the affair. Could you expand on this a little more? Also, what are you doing regarding counseling? It will help to educate yourself on this disgusting subject and a book I recommend is "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful".

 

I think your focus on a piece of paper (marriage license) is misplaced because you don't want to face the real decision of whether to stay or go. This is really common but it might help in the long run if you work on the real problems and decisions facing you.

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Has she cut off all contact with the OM? Has she given you her passwords and stopped all of the horseplay?

 

Show her that there are consequences to her cheating and lying. She made someone else her first choice. You are backup. She did a lot to make him happy. What wonderful things has she done to show you that she makes the effort for only you?

 

Divorce her, you can still live together, or get an agreement that if she cheats again, she gets nothing.

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The mental health aspect of her is something that maybe you should consider further. Depression? Anxiety? Alcoholism? These arent excuses but it can help you to understand somewhat because you can put a name to it and find the symptoms.

 

I think time apart is good, I'm doing it right now and it clears your head. Counseling would be my next step once (if) you decide to meet up again.

 

As I'm going through the same thing, knowing the truth and trusting her is the hardest part for me. How deep is the rabbit hole and at what point does she decide I know enough and doesnt want to hurt me further or make herself feel worse for it. Takes a kind of sadist/masochist persona for the two of you to really get to the juicy bottom of all this. This is preference I think, do you want to know it all or just general concepts? Depends on you.

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I've given some background about what happened and what is bugging me about it. Do I divorce and stay with her (she said she'd stay with me no matter what) or stay married to make her feel better? Marriage means nothing to me, it offers nothing I can't get from just being together without the marriage. I guess, though, our children will not like it but it shouldn't matter, nothing changes for them.Is this common thoughts for couples who stay together, anyone else know of people who have done this?

 

 

Marriage has certain financial advantages while you are in it...but if you divorce later on it's bad. And the more later on the worse it is. Also are you ready to go through the crap that legal divorce brings? That may drive a further wedge between you. Divorce really sucks and will not be good for your relationship.

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Fredflintstone
All of us BS's understand the pain you are going through right now and most of us want to offer you constructive feedback. Since we can only offer advice based on our own experiences, the feedback may or may not apply to your situation.

 

Before we get too much further you said that you discovered the affair. Could you expand on this a little more? Also, what are you doing regarding counseling? It will help to educate yourself on this disgusting subject and a book I recommend is "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful".

 

I think your focus on a piece of paper (marriage license) is misplaced because you don't want to face the real decision of whether to stay or go. This is really common but it might help in the long run if you work on the real problems and decisions facing you.

 

 

 

She was on holiday with her parents, I had her laptop and discovered some twitter alerts in the form of a convo between them. I got into her account and found her side of the convo. It wasn't rude, abit flirty which drew my attention to it. when she got home she told me about the affair once she was challenged by me. She also said that she felt she had to tell me about it because my youngest son had been to his house. I guess she thought I would find out through him. She has, however, made every effort to reconcile with me, she has deactivated her social network accounts, blocking and deleting him. I have since found out that he's blocked me so I can't contact him. I don't want to meet him face to face for fear of what I might do.

What I would like to know is, what are other peoples perspectives on getting divorced and still being together. For me it would be like wiping the slate clean, for her it's taking massive steps backward. I've told her I want to divorce but stay with her, she was absolutely devastated by this and I've had to stop her doing stupid things to herself. I'm abit scared about all this to be honest, I don't want to be without her but I feel she's destroyed our marriage. she's said if we divorce she wants to get married again asap as she wants to be my wife and likes being my wife, which has just looped around to me saying why, why , why did you do it! I've been very distracted, deep in thought about it.

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Fredflintstone
The mental health aspect of her is something that maybe you should consider further. Depression? Anxiety? Alcoholism? These arent excuses but it can help you to understand somewhat because you can put a name to it and find the symptoms.

 

I think time apart is good, I'm doing it right now and it clears your head. Counseling would be my next step once (if) you decide to meet up again.

 

As I'm going through the same thing, knowing the truth and trusting her is the hardest part for me. How deep is the rabbit hole and at what point does she decide I know enough and doesnt want to hurt me further or make herself feel worse for it. Takes a kind of sadist/masochist persona for the two of you to really get to the juicy bottom of all this. This is preference I think, do you want to know it all or just general concepts? Depends on you.

 

She has clinical depression, she just decided to stop her medication dead about 3 weeks to a month before this started. I think it's had an effect on her ability to make sound decisions, she can't explain why she let him do what he did but I know I didn't help steer her away from it by acting the way I did. This was in part a result of her behaviour towards me, she made me feel unloved and distant. But I would say I was driving force in the circumstances that have led upto this.

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Fredflintstone
Has she cut off all contact with the OM? Has she given you her passwords and stopped all of the horseplay?

 

Show her that there are consequences to her cheating and lying. She made someone else her first choice. You are backup. She did a lot to make him happy. What wonderful things has she done to show you that she makes the effort for only you?

 

Divorce her, you can still live together, or get an agreement that if she cheats again, she gets nothing.

 

She's been completely transparent about everything as far as I can tell, I am satisfied it's over.

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Fredflintstone
Fred, strangers on the internet can't decide whether you should stay married or not. Your case is not cut and dried. A lot of people will say "Divorce her" but they don't know you or your wife or your marriage. Perhaps if you uncover more of the truth, you would not want to stay with her. Maybe you need more info. Be careful, knowing too many details will scar you forever. Maybe start with a more accurate timeline and dig into her feelings for him. She's still lying to you and will continue to trickle truth you. She doesn't want to lose you, and she's trying to protect herself (and you in part).

 

What do YOU want? What would it take for you to remain happy with her? You can't take the affair back, so can you deal with it having happened?

 

Thanks for this post, it helps keep things on an even keel, although all the feedback has made me think about it to one degree or another.

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Thanks for this post, it helps keep things on an even keel, although all the feedback has made me think about it to one degree or another.

I get annoyed because I don't think people read the actual questions people have here. You've clearly decided to stay. It's a legal question for you, and I gave you my opinions on that earlier.

 

You have kids, that's something to think about. I like to see families stay together if they can be healthy. From what I've heard your WW is trying. If she is doing everything she can, it's up to you to see if you can go through the hard task of cleaning your own mind, forgiving, letting go of feat, rebuilding love, and working on whatever other issues in the M that you have. That's not something to be taken lightly, but it can be done. Don't let the dogs tear your marriage apart. Reconciling BSs get a lot of heat here from my experience. I tried to reconcile and I got flamed a lot for it. I eventually did file for divorce (almost finalized..even closer today) but because my WW wasn't keeping NC which is a basic requirement for reconciliation.

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...

What I would like to know is, what are other peoples perspectives on getting divorced and still being together. For me it would be like wiping the slate clean, for her it's taking massive steps backward. I've told her I want to divorce but stay with her, she was absolutely devastated by this and I've had to stop her doing stupid things to herself. I'm abit scared about all this to be honest, I don't want to be without her but I feel she's destroyed our marriage. she's said if we divorce she wants to get married again asap as she wants to be my wife and likes being my wife, which has just looped around to me saying why, why , why did you do it! I've been very distracted, deep in thought about it.

 

You are obsessed with this issue so let's talk about it a bit. First, getting divorced but staying together is a symbolic thing, not real action to reconcile. You believe that divorce as a symbolic gesture will "wipe the slate clean". This is pretty much the same as "time heals all wounds" - it sounds noble and good but it doesn't work. Period. No symbolic gesture is going to help you accept what she has done or ease the pain or make the porn movies in your mind go away. Real, actual emotional work is required here and this paper-divorce thing is bullsh*t. Find a counselor for yourself and get to work. You say your are struggling the most with the sexual component of her cheating. Join the club: that is consistent with most betrayed husbands. For many men, the sexual component is something that we cannot overcome and ultimately end the relationship. For others the sex is the thing that makes reconciliation even harder. Along with finding ways to fix your marital problems and for her to earn back your trust you have to deal with visions of her and OM doing all kinds of disgusting acts. And these thoughts come crashing into our minds at random times and can set us back to square zero for a time. Reconciliation is really, really hard and really, really painful. Since you have children all the pain and work might be worth it, at least until you think they are old enough to handle a real divorce a little better than they can now. You don't have to live with their mother to be a great dad - remember that.

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HokeyReligions

I didn't read all of your post but according to a great many on this board, and others, its normal for spouses to cheat. Suck it up, get tested, maybe have your own affair, and stay married.

 

Are you really going to follow advice from strangers? Can you not seek help and support from real people who know and care about you; and share similar beliefs?

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78% of marriages survive an affair.

 

Your two kids should be your motivation to not pull the trigger on a fast divorce. Right now your brain is not settled enough to make life changing decisions.

 

You need to learn how to make sure your WW has NC. How to work at affair proofing the marriage. Also the steps needed to recover. So get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

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78% of marriages survive an affair.

 

Your two kids should be your motivation to not pull the trigger on a fast divorce. Right now your brain is not settled enough to make life changing decisions.

 

You need to learn how to make sure your WW has NC. How to work at affair proofing the marriage. Also the steps needed to recover. So get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Interesting, i read that 69% do not survive an affair but who knows for sure

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I don't know why you were concerned if she was wearing her wedding ring. She was naked in front of the guy. The only thing that wasn't uncovered was where her ring was on her finger.

 

As far as her just laying back and letting the guy have his way with her and the sex being lousy, I hope your not buying that. How many times was it? 3? Then she brings the kid with her?

 

You have a lot to think about and if she's off her meds and you plan on staying with her then maybe your going to have to be the one to administer her meds. How many pills per day? if it's one then make sure you see her take it and if need be, tell her to open her mouth to see if she swallows it. Kind of like if she was a kid. Good luck to you.

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Fredflintstone
I don't know why you were concerned if she was wearing her wedding ring. She was naked in front of the guy. The only thing that wasn't uncovered was where her ring was on her finger.

 

As far as her just laying back and letting the guy have his way with her and the sex being lousy, I hope your not buying that. How many times was it? 3? Then she brings the kid with her?

 

You have a lot to think about and if she's off her meds and you plan on staying with her then maybe your going to have to be the one to administer her meds. How many pills per day? if it's one then make sure you see her take it and if need be, tell her to open her mouth to see if she swallows it. Kind of like if she was a kid. Good luck to you.

 

She also told me she never got fully undressed, he initiated it everytime, I know she is very self concious about her body. You are right though, it could easily be lies to protect herself. The thing is, she's very sincere, maybe I just want to believe it. I appreciate what you and everyone else has said though. I am not going to make decisions based entirely on this thread but I might use it to help me ask questions or think of things that I may have overlooked.

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whatatangledweb
She also told me she never got fully undressed, he initiated it everytime, I know she is very self concious about her body. You are right though, it could easily be lies to protect herself. The thing is, she's very sincere, maybe I just want to believe it. I appreciate what you and everyone else has said though. I am not going to make decisions based entirely on this thread but I might use it to help me ask questions or think of things that I may have overlooked.

 

Some people lie when they are caught and downplay it. Others spill everything. Honestly there is no way to ever know if you have the whole story. You learn over time to accept that and try to move through it . It's hard to get past an affair.

 

Your wife seems remorseful and she did admit it when you caught her.Many people will only admit what you can find not what all happened. She appears to be trying to show you she is remorseful by her current actions.

 

I don't understand you wanting to be divorced but stay together. Either work through it and stay married or divorce. I do understand feeling as though the marriage is no longer real or means anything. I felt that way for a long time.

 

Ask yourself "will I be happier with her or without her"? Then decide what you need to do.

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Dressed or undressed what's the difference, she freely allowed another man to put his penis in her, probably without protection and probably with your wedding ring on her finger. Did she have your child with her when she did this? The bottom line is she slept with him because she wanted to or she would have said no. She would still be doing it if you hadn't caught her even though she wants you to believe the sex was bad. She doesn't want to divorce you yet she won't honor the marriage vows she made to you. So what does her word mean? The question is, is the contract she made with you when you married her void because she never honored her word? The contract is only the public record of the vow you made to each other, will signing a new contract make a difference if she didn't honor the other one? What is she doing to make you believe her this time?

 

What you need to decide is do you want to be with someone that can't make you feel safe? Will she get the help and do the work it takes to change? Hold your decision regarding divorce until she has gotten the professional help she needs.

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Hi Fred, Sorry to see that you are suffering in this way. I read your post and I have a few points to clarify.

 

Firstly, Have you informed your wife's parents? If not, do you intend to do so? If you have, what has been their reaction? If you haven't then I suggest that you do so immediately and then ask them to take her in with them so that you have some time to your self to mull things over and decide how you feel about the whole thing without your wife being in your face all the time you are at home.

 

Secondly, Your wife was the one who wanted this 'marriage' so desperately whereas you, on the other hand were not convinced about the merits of getting married. This means that she should have been much more invested in the 'marriage' aspect of your relationship and all it entailed, than you were. With this in mind I do not understand how she became cold and distant with you as you have said, which resulted in your reciprocating her attitude. In fact because she wanted this 'marriage' so dearly, she is the one who should have come to you and initiated communication regarding your problems and then both of you should have striven to resolve these. Both of you are fault for not having done the necessary spade work to sort things out which resulted in her finding comfort in the arms of another man. Having done the sordid deed she then realized that she had jeopardized her 'marriage' and when you confronted her, she confessed and is now trying her best to make it up to you by being loving and caring and bending over backwards to show that she cares for you. Problem is that this is too late. What is the point of locking the stable doors after the horse has bolted?

 

Thirdly, it is up to you to decide what your boundaries are. Can you accept what she has done and live with it or will it forever rankle in your mind? You have to think of yourself here and NOT so much about her. Your children will always be yours and suitable arrangements can be worked out to ensure that you will always be a part of their lives. Can you be sure she will not repeat this behaviour later when things have died down as far as this affair is concerned? I say this especially because she has psychiatric problems and these can be a source of future infidelities on her part. So think about this long and hard and while you are alone and away from her. Once you come to a conclusion, act on it and act boldly and proactively. My best wishes to you. Cheers!

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Fredflintstone
Hi Fred, Sorry to see that you are suffering in this way. I read your post and I have a few points to clarify.

 

Firstly, Have you informed your wife's parents? If not, do you intend to do so? If you have, what has been their reaction? If you haven't then I suggest that you do so immediately and then ask them to take her in with them so that you have some time to your self to mull things over and decide how you feel about the whole thing without your wife being in your face all the time you are at home.

 

Secondly, Your wife was the one who wanted this 'marriage' so desperately whereas you, on the other hand were not convinced about the merits of getting married. This means that she should have been much more invested in the 'marriage' aspect of your relationship and all it entailed, than you were. With this in mind I do not understand how she became cold and distant with you as you have said, which resulted in your reciprocating her attitude. In fact because she wanted this 'marriage' so dearly, she is the one who should have come to you and initiated communication regarding your problems and then both of you should have striven to resolve these. Both of you are fault for not having done the necessary spade work to sort things out which resulted in her finding comfort in the arms of another man. Having done the sordid deed she then realized that she had jeopardized her 'marriage' and when you confronted her, she confessed and is now trying her best to make it up to you by being loving and caring and bending over backwards to show that she cares for you. Problem is that this is too late. What is the point of locking the stable doors after the horse has bolted?

 

Thirdly, it is up to you to decide what your boundaries are. Can you accept what she has done and live with it or will it forever rankle in your mind? You have to think of yourself here and NOT so much about her. Your children will always be yours and suitable arrangements can be worked out to ensure that you will always be a part of their lives. Can you be sure she will not repeat this behaviour later when things have died down as far as this affair is concerned? I say this especially because she has psychiatric problems and these can be a source of future infidelities on her part. So think about this long and hard and while you are alone and away from her. Once you come to a conclusion, act on it and act boldly and proactively. My best wishes to you. Cheers!

 

You're right about her being invested in our marriage more than I was. In the early years of our relationship, she was jealous and very insecure. I couldn't go anywhere I lost all my friends and never got new ones. I think I started going inward on myself. That's probably where it all started, not all was bad but I did begin to resent her and have a bad attitude but I did and still do love her. I'm not like that now, in the last few years I have started to have friends, lost alot of weight etc and feeling much better about things. My wife was very shy and lacked confidence, I've often tried to encourage her to do more over the years and she has also become better within herself. The problem is we still led pretty much separate lives for a long time and this is the result of that. The thing is we both still want to be together but we were both stupid and now my head is screwed up my mind keeps jumping from one emotion to the next. She keeps telling me I need to stop thinking bad things so I can move on, it's only been 29 days ffs!

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