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Am I wrong to want this?


pinkstraws

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Hello,

 

I am new here but have really been wrestling with a question and would appreciate the views of anyone having gone through something similar.

 

My husband of almost 20 years started an emotional affair last May (via email) with an old girlfriend from high school. We had a death in the family in February, and not long afterwards, my husband's affair with this woman became sexual. She is a trained grief therapist and I firmly believe she used her skills as a therapist to go in for 'the kill' when my husband was at his weakest.

 

In May he ended the affair after realizing he wanted to be with me and was trying to recreate our relationship with her. In June, we began the long, painful process of rebuilding our marriage. Things are actually going really, really well and I am very happy that we have this second chance. I love my husband more than anything and I can see the things I did - both of us did do and didn't do - that led to this infidelity.

 

There is one problem - my husband also feels terrible about how much he hurt the other woman. In an effort to 'let her down gently' he told her something that goes like this: "you are the true love of my life and always have been but I need to go back to my terrible wife for the good of my children."

 

I hate this and it eats away at me. Am I wrong to want my husband to tell her the truth?

 

My husband says he does not want to cause more hurt. I agree that I do not want him to be a person who is willing to hurt others. He also says I only want him to tell her the truth in order to cause her pain. I partly agree with this. I DO want her to feel at least some of the pain I have to cope with every minute of every day. After all, I did nothing and she actively went after my husband. Why is the pain all mine to bear?

 

But also, I think her belief that my husband still loves her and - in a perfect world - would be with her instead of me is very upsetting. It torments me, actually. I also think, on some level it makes her a threat. She waited 30 years to have this chance with him...obviously she would be willing to wait another year or two to see if she can have another chance with him in a new moment of weakness. I hate the idea that she is sitting out there waiting for my kids to turn 18 so she can take another try...I hate that she thinks he is miserable with me. I hate that her feelings seem to matter more than my own in this situation. Though will I really feel better if she knows the truth?

 

I really, really hate that there seem to be two truths here: the one she believes and the one I believe. it makes me wonder which truth is the true one and I somewhat feel that if he corrected the version he gave to her, that maybe this would make my version more true. Does that sound silly and petty? Maybe it is.

 

I do have evidence that this woman was truly evil and manipulative in her efforts to offer my husband an escape from grief and I do not feel that her feelings should matter at all. Further, I feel that allowing her to think she did nothing wrong, that he is suffering with me and dreaming of her, is actually keeping her from achieving true redemption for her deeds and also, may be interfering with her willingness to get back with her husband.

 

In truth, though, deep down, I just want two things: for there to be only one truth about this in the world, and yes - for her to suffer at least a billionth as much as I have suffered. Am I wrong to want this? Genuinely, I just want to know. I think I could force my husband to do this - tell her the truth - but should I make him do something that will only add to his feelings of guilt? Should something be done if it's main purpose is just more pain? Maybe the best thing to do is to forgive her, forgive him and let it go. I wish I could. I want to. It has been three months of me trying so hard...will this help? Or will it make things worse?

 

What do people think?

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I see you focusing too much blame and importance on the OW. It lays only at the feet of your husband.

 

If you intend to reconcile the M - it's best to stop thinking of her.

 

You two have a lot of work to do to gain some trust WITHIN the M - to continue looking at outside influences isn't helping.

 

MM lie. Whatever lies he told her is the past. Focus on the M and what can be changed now.

 

Being angry at her isn't helping - be angry at HIM - he did this to your marriage! He did this to you!

 

He's got work to do to repair the damage HE caused!!

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I agree with both CT and 2S.

 

I think you need to find the root cause of your question. Could it be that you struggle with the exact same question as I do every single day about my wife - will she do it again or will she leave the moment the kids are "old enough"?? I believe it's the same fear as the one rushing through your body on D-day - the fear of loss, fear of losing everything you love.

 

I think about this every day even though I know for sure the OM is gone and that the possibility of them getting back together is non-existing. So, forget about the OW - she's not the one holding the keys to your husbands heart, neither are you. Your husband has the power to decide for himself. She can't make him - you can't make him do anything, and you can't tie him up to keep him around. If it's not of his own choice - does it really matter?

 

I have two things working for me, they might help you as well. Re-create yourself. Rebuild yourself to be strong enough to know for certain that you'll be able to live without your husband, that you could be happy on your own or with someone else. Believe it - know it for sure. Very important IMO, because....

 

Then you may ask yourself this: I can make a CHOISE to stay with my husband - do I want to? (I do this every day, and I'm still here).

You may extend the periode of time and ask "I just met this man today (in a sense you did - the newly discovered version of him) - I know I can only have him for let's say 5 years, then he'll die from some irreversable mortal disease. Would I want that? I'm not done with that one yet, but I'm working on it - there's pros and cons.

 

Remove your fear for the future, and I think you'll find the answer to your question.

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I would talk to your husband and tell him he should be concerned about how you feel! He has hurt you with the cheating and also making you feel like you are his second choice. Ask him how he would feel if you were cheating. He would not like it.

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Wow. Thanks for all the input! It's so appreciated!!!

 

Yes. I would take him back even if it were only for five years. That is true. And if he didn't die at the end of that time, but instead cheated on me again, he would be dead. Ha ha. Or not. :) He is back only because I want him to be back and I am (was) fine without him. I can support myself and the kids and I coped with the stress of the affair by running a lot so I am more fit now than I ever was. I have had a super difficult year, though. I feel like it shows on my face, in my eyes...in some ways I am a lot better than I was; in other ways much worse.

 

I found out when he told the kids - offhand - that he had been in a nearby town one night and they told me this and that he was wearing cologne. I immediately suspected the OW as she had suspiciously unfriended me on FB a few weeks earlier (she was a high school girlfriend of my husband who I also knew in high school). I googled the town, found it had three hotels, called the hotels, asked for the OW and was told she had just checked out a few hours earlier.

 

I know I put a lot of blame at the OW's feet. Some of it deserved; some is just me feeling better when I blame her. I have all of this hostility and it lands a lot more neatly at her feet than anywhere else. I bought a 'forgiveness' app. I am trying to not be hateful.

 

I did blame my husband. I was so angry with him...but he was/is truly sorry, my anger just made him feel worse. He has tried to do everything under the sun to make things better. It really matters to me and makes a huge difference in my ability to forgive that I can see he really is remorseful.

 

This horrible OW on the other hand is NOT remorseful, she lives in this world where I stole the love of her life. She pities my husband and sees him as this amazing dad who would live in a loveless marriage for the sake of his kids. It gets to me. It eats away at me.

 

I guess I want the head cut off of their relationship (since I can't actually cut her head off...) once and for all. I know they are not in contact. I know he doesn't have feelings for her anymore (though he does hesitate about hurting her, which is another point here - which is that he really hurt me and nothing stopped him...)

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Revenge is like drinking a poison in hopes that the other person will die.

 

If the OW has a husband, expose the affair to him so that he can make informed decisions about how to move forward with his life. If she doesn't, focus on your husband and marriage. An OW has her own burdens to bear. To be honest, if you really want to hurt her, leave her clueless about what the hell is really going on. It drives them crazy. Interacting with her will drive you crazy.

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The day I found out about the affair I had this instant impulse to expose them both, so I did.

 

I posted everything on facebook and tagged them both (her teenaged kids found out this way). I emailed all of our family and friends. I found her husband online and emailed him. He called me and the poor guy could barely speak through his sobs the first three times we spoke (he had found out about five days before I did). I hired an attorney and cancelled my husband's health coverage.

 

For the next four weeks I did three things: protected myself and my kids, spoke about what had happened to anyone who asked, and tried to let him know that I knew he didn't want to be 'this guy' and that I still loved him and that I was there to help him down the path back to himself when he woke up and realized what he had done.

 

Now, I feel like the final piece of the recovery puzzle is her knowing the truth. I cannot deny there are aspects of revenge in my personal motivation, but most affair survival books do say the affair should be ended in a certain way and never do they recommend the way my husband ended his...by letting her think she was still the love of his life.

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I think it's tough enough to deal with the knowledge of betrayal. However those types of explanations would probably have been a deal breaker. It is bad enough when you are being lied to then need to play detective to find the truth. Yes, there are many I'm sorrys from our WS but that obviously isn't enough.

 

The work in R is being honest. Letting the OW down easy???? That doesn't make sense to me. She knew he was married. Your H knew what he was doing. Calling you the terrible wife is equally bad a smack in the face. Seriously what is the true intention and message there?

 

You say things are going well. I hope that's true because from the sound of your H remarks it seems like he may want to keep that door open. His true love????

 

The OW was nothing short of nasty and disrespectful to me. I wouldn't want to hear or read that from my H mouth. She deserves a swift kick in the a$$. They all do.

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Am I wrong to want my husband to tell her the truth?

 

Perhaps he already told her the truth. You have to consider that possibility, given the fact that you busted up the affair.

 

Secondly, with the amount of exposure you gave them, I'm sure she has been hurting.

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Question1: How did you know the explanation he told her?

 

Did you read it in a email? or did your husband actually tell you that he told the OW that he loves her and is miserable with you?

 

I honestly can't imagine a guy that's trying to reconcile with him wife telling her that he made her look awful to make the OW feel better? Seriously? who the hell does that?

 

Question 2: I can understand forgiving cheating after so many years of marriage, but honestly, how can you forgive him for throwing you under the bus like that to make his lover feel better? Does that not make your betrayal worse? Or do you think 'ok, well I have him, so I won' ?

 

Doesn't it occur to you that he is saying those things to her to keep the door open with her, so that he can go back and forth as he pleases (when this blows over)?

 

I'm not saying he should have gone out to ruin her life and destroy her and treat her like crap, but to actually leave her with 'Oh I have to go back but I love you' is just insane! It is so disrespectful to you.

 

You say that he's done everything to show he's sorry and make you feel better - yeah everything but stand up for you when it comes to her!

 

I honestly wonder which 'truth' is the real truth.

 

I am truly so sorry for what you've been through, but he seems so shady and you're still putting up with disrespect IMO.

 

I'm really not trying to add salt to the wound. I'm mad for you.

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Tigercub - yes! Exactly. Realist - I completely agree! What you two wrote is how I feel. It seems disrespectful to me, so obviously she sees that. It makes me thing her truth is the more real truth. What do I do with that? Do I dig at it until I find out maybe he does love her and would prefer to be with her? Is that what I want to discover at the end of this path? It's agonizing. What this might mean. And so simple to correct and yet that he doesn't want to do it makes it so complex.

 

Anyway, I don't really know the exact words he used. I have seen some emails that she wrote in reply and am filling in the gaps. I am probably imagining it as worse than it was. I guess you could say I know that basically - at the root - what I imagine he said is the message she received.

 

The last time she contacted him, he wanted to know if she was okay, had she reconciled with her kids, etc. He felt (feels like) he ruined her marriage and has guilt about this. I knew about it. Anyway, I flipped out because he said to her (and I quote): I am working on repairing things with the kids/Kim.

 

I felt that this slash was a way to minimize the importance of he and my relationship. I cried for days. I had some serious issues with this. He kept saying: it's just a slash mark! I ended up feeling like a crazy person getting so upset over punctuation.

 

The last time (two weeks ago) that I sat him down and expressed how much this whole thing was tormenting me, he seemed to really try to think of a way to inform her that he loved me, but without telling her directly. His suggestion was that we renew our vows and make a big deal out of it.

 

Initially I thought that this sounded romantic and like a fresh start but now it is starting to feel like a message to her. Why can't we just email her the facts? (if they are indeed the facts!) But then we come back around to the question: do I want to know???? Yes. I suppose I do. I would hate it if he loved her and was with me for some other reason (kids, etc.) but I would want to know. I might still decide to stay with him, but I would want to be able to make that decision, instead of making a decision based on lies.

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Tigercub - yes! Exactly. Realist - I completely agree! What you two wrote is how I feel. It seems disrespectful to me, so obviously she sees that. It makes me thing her truth is the more real truth. What do I do with that? Do I dig at it until I find out maybe he does love her and would prefer to be with her? Is that what I want to discover at the end of this path? It's agonizing. What this might mean. And so simple to correct and yet that he doesn't want to do it makes it so complex.

 

Anyway, I don't really know the exact words he used. I have seen some emails that she wrote in reply and am filling in the gaps. I am probably imagining it as worse than it was. I guess you could say I know that basically - at the root - what I imagine he said is the message she received.

 

The last time she contacted him, he wanted to know if she was okay, had she reconciled with her kids, etc. He felt (feels like) he ruined her marriage and has guilt about this. I knew about it. Anyway, I flipped out because he said to her (and I quote): I am working on repairing things with the kids/Kim.

 

I felt that this slash was a way to minimize the importance of he and my relationship. I cried for days. I had some serious issues with this. He kept saying: it's just a slash mark! I ended up feeling like a crazy person getting so upset over punctuation.

 

The last time (two weeks ago) that I sat him down and expressed how much this whole thing was tormenting me, he seemed to really try to think of a way to inform her that he loved me, but without telling her directly. His suggestion was that we renew our vows and make a big deal out of it.

 

Initially I thought that this sounded romantic and like a fresh start but now it is starting to feel like a message to her. Why can't we just email her the facts? (if they are indeed the facts!) But then we come back around to the question: do I want to know???? Yes. I suppose I do. I would hate it if he loved her and was with me for some other reason (kids, etc.) but I would want to know. I might still decide to stay with him, but I would want to be able to make that decision, instead of making a decision based on lies.

 

Emailing her 'the facts' now will just come off as a desperate move - like he's doing it because his wife is making him.

I'm sorry.

 

Renewing vows would have been sweet - but honestly, only much after you guys recovered from this - not as a band-aid or just a show. He doesn't deserve to say vows to you right now - would you even believe them?

 

I'm sorry Pink.

I really think that you do know - deep down you do, and you are making the decision to put up with it.

 

From what I read here - wayward spouses that are truly sorry and remorseful and want to make things better in their M, don't stay in touch with the AP, and they certainly don't keep sweet talking the AP at the account of their spouse. He's not acting like he's trying to make things right with you. I'm sorry to say that.

 

It's easy for someone that's on the outside to say, 'drop him, he's a loser, divorce his ass' - I'm not you and I don't know what it is like to be you. I think you will put up with it despite the pain and that makes me really sad for you.

 

I hope he can get his head out of his ass and wake up and treat you so much better.

 

***HUGS***

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Hello,

There is one problem - my husband also feels terrible about how much he hurt the other woman. In an effort to 'let her down gently' he told her something that goes like this: "you are the true love of my life and always have been but I need to go back to my terrible wife for the good of my children."

 

I hate this and it eats away at me. Am I wrong to want my husband to tell her the truth?

 

What do people think?

 

 

Whoa! As a man, I would say hell yes, make him tell the OW and that it is a condition he must do to keep the marriage.

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Tigercub - yes! Exactly. Realist - I completely agree! What you two wrote is how I feel. It seems disrespectful to me, so obviously she sees that. It makes me thing her truth is the more real truth. What do I do with that? Do I dig at it until I find out maybe he does love her and would prefer to be with her? Is that what I want to discover at the end of this path? It's agonizing. What this might mean. And so simple to correct and yet that he doesn't want to do it makes it so complex.

 

Anyway, I don't really know the exact words he used. I have seen some emails that she wrote in reply and am filling in the gaps. I am probably imagining it as worse than it was. I guess you could say I know that basically - at the root - what I imagine he said is the message she received.

 

The last time she contacted him, he wanted to know if she was okay, had she reconciled with her kids, etc. He felt (feels like) he ruined her marriage and has guilt about this. I knew about it. Anyway, I flipped out because he said to her (and I quote): I am working on repairing things with the kids/Kim.

 

I felt that this slash was a way to minimize the importance of he and my relationship. I cried for days. I had some serious issues with this. He kept saying: it's just a slash mark! I ended up feeling like a crazy person getting so upset over punctuation.

 

The last time (two weeks ago) that I sat him down and expressed how much this whole thing was tormenting me, he seemed to really try to think of a way to inform her that he loved me, but without telling her directly. His suggestion was that we renew our vows and make a big deal out of it.

 

Initially I thought that this sounded romantic and like a fresh start but now it is starting to feel like a message to her. Why can't we just email her the facts? (if they are indeed the facts!) But then we come back around to the question: do I want to know???? Yes. I suppose I do. I would hate it if he loved her and was with me for some other reason (kids, etc.) but I would want to know. I might still decide to stay with him, but I would want to be able to make that decision, instead of making a decision based on lies.

 

 

You need to get her out of your head.

 

If he ends up sending her a message worded exactly as you would like what will it solve? IMO, nothing. If I sent my MOW a message saying, "Oh I never really loved you. I'm so in love with my wife. Yada... yada ...yada." She would laugh hysterically. And it is my guess your husband's MOW would as well. In fact it might send the exact opposite message you are intending because the the motivation would be very obvious. The parting words have already taken place. Stating them again doesn't seem to make much sense. It would come across as so phony and pointless.

 

The sad fact is you may never really know the 'truth' of that question, so chasing it is an act of futility. He is going to tell you whatever he feels like you want to hear. What is in his heart will always remain between him and... his heart. Only time will give you a clue what is in his heart.

 

I know you are going through and awful situation, but it seems like you are making harder on yourself by worrying about what she thinks. It doesn't matter what she thinks.

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I know you are going through and awful situation, but it seems like you are making harder on yourself by worrying about what she thinks. It doesn't matter what she thinks.

I agree with you to a certain degree. I suggested OP some questions to ask herself at the beginning of the thread. Sometimes I've found myself thinking, that if my wife doesn't intend to stay long term, I would rather go and someone else who will be in for the long haul. In that case; it would be nice to know what my wife thinks.

 

That's why it's important to clarify whether yuo want your spouse, even if it's short term and they decide to leave or cheat again.

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What I am trying to say is that whatever path the OP takes has nothing to do with what the MOW thinks. People think all sorts of things. The only thing important to her is what her husband thinks, and time will let that be known.

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It’s a tough call on how your husband left things with OW...

 

Nowhere near (not even in the ball park) as you husband statement - but many years ago my wife, basically left her OM with the impression of how special he was and their relationship was - and how she thought of him often - but that he was never going to be a "good man and husband" like me…. he was a player - so she was marrying me and they could just keep in contact or be friends maybe (until dDay that is). This left the door open for OM to try to contact her, although she abided by my demand for NC and did not respond to his inquires. It was irritating that he occasionally tried to contact her - but she then she did leave him feeling "special".

 

After years of therapy, she views her old OM differently and herself differently. Sees him as a sick low life man, who used her, and herself then as unhealthy and suffering from loss. I sometimes fantasize about her sending a letter to him now that says how she thinks about him as a worm and a user and how awful it was she was with him. I know it should not matter ....but sometimes I hate the idea of OM sitting somewhere, even years now, thinking she still has warm feelings for their past relationship - and he might be able to coax her back to some fun on the side some day from her "good husband"

 

But I do trust and find peace in how my wife sees him now - and - NC is firmly in place and abided by for years now. That’s really all I should focus on anymore - what she thinks not him.

 

I think you also need to focus on how your husband really feels about OW, his actions and you. Forget what she thinks or feels. This is about you and your husband.

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I can relate to some aspects of your story very well. While H did not throw me under the bus, he did not handle it the best way possible. In his last conversation with her, he told her that he loved her but realized that he also still loved me and that he believed his future happiness would be with me. She heard that he loved her but was staying out of obligation (she wrote a big Facebook post about it). I heard that he still had his head up his a$$ and his window to make things right with me got a bit smaller. It niggled at me as well for a long time. So here are my thoughts.

 

He was trying to make himself not the bad guy (conflict-avoidant). If he was still in the affair fog, he may not have wanted to slam the door shut on her. Both of these things are all about his selfishness. You have a need for him to recognize that.

 

Throwing you under the bus was a second betrayal, pure and simple. It is hard enough to begin to rebuild a very fragile trust with someone when you know they are likely still telling you a mix of lies and truths. How can he expect you to believe what he tells you about his feelings when he told her the opposite? He has created a fear in you that he is still lying. He has to take responsibility for that. You cannot heal unless he does absolutely everything necessary to rebuild your trust.

 

The annoying part. Nothing that is said now will convince the OW to change her view of the situation. You can only control your own thoughts and actions. Show her that she's wrong by keeping all contact cut off. Discussing his feelings with her would only be seen as an invitation to re-engage, creating new and on-going drama.

 

It is up to your husband to take full responsibility for his actions and you need to accept that, whatever her actions, he is still 100% responsible for his. She could not have crossed his boundaries if he had not let her. I too needed to divert blame and rage onto the pursuing OW (who pretended to be my friend), but ultimately, she could not have had an affair with my H if he had not been a willing participant and both of us acknowledging that was important to healing.

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Having read through all the responses now, I have a few more questions.

 

Are you in counseling separately and/or together - sounds like you need a safe place to air some things out.

 

How long has he been NC? It seems like some contact continued after DDay.

 

Have you asked him why her feelings seem to matter more than yours? I am assuming that he is expressing guilt and remorse to you over his treatment of you. If he says your feelings do matter more, then he must work with you on finding a solution to this issue, because he is continuing to hurt you by putting her feelings first and that should matter to him.

 

Have you pressed the point and thoroughly aired out the issue that he and she were equally competent adults and willing participants in this and that she is responsible for any and all hurts to herself or her family in this case, just as he is for his? She chose the affair, therefore she chose the consequences, just as he did. He doesn't get to use guilt toward her as a reason for treating you poorly and making you doubt him.

 

Has he acknowledged her manipulations? It was important for me that H acknowledge the actions OW took to pursue him and that he had not taken advantage of her. I reread him things she wrote, pointed out things she did to me and to him, and outlined the progression of how she pursued him through those things. He had many uncomfortable moments, but that helped him move on more than me just saying hey she went into this with her eyes wide open. So e people say it shouldn't matter as long as he takes responsibility for his actions, but I also needed to know that the rose colored glasses were off and he say her as the adult person making choices that she really was, not just a damsel in distress who needed him so very much.

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SincereOnlineGuy

A. I think you're wrong not to want to know the truth.

 

 

B. Your eagerness to blame the other woman, when she bears zero responsibility for this whatsoever, is indicative of you wanting to take the easy way out (while once again avoiding the real truth ).

 

 

C. If indeed your husband is merely in this for the children, then he's doing them an even greater disservice than he is doing you.

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There is one problem - my husband also feels terrible about how much he hurt the other woman. In an effort to 'let her down gently' he told her something that goes like this: "you are the true love of my life and always have been but I need to go back to my terrible wife for the good of my children."

 

I hate this and it eats away at me. Am I wrong to want my husband to tell her the truth?

This is not about telling her the truth. This is about him keeping the affair alive. By telling her that "you are the true love of my life and always have been but I need to go back to my terrible wife for the good of my children", he is not ending the affair. He is simple putting it on hold until the children get older and until you drop your guard. He is keeping her on hold for later.

 

His statement that he "feels terrible about how much he hurt the other woman" is putting his affair partner on even footings with you his wife. This is seriously wrong and shows that he is not really remorseful. The fact that he would actually tell this to you and expect you to accept it, also shows that he does not respect you. You are his spouse. You have a right to be his priority. If he was remorseful and truly respected you, his focus would be 100% on addressing your feelings and not her's. That is not the case here. Hurting the feelings of the affair partner as he ends the affair is a normal consequence of his cheating, that every cheated on spouse has a right to expect as part of the price that the cheater must pay. You forgave him to quickly and are allowing him to move on without remorse, respect or consequences. Without remorse, respect and consequences there can be no true long term reconciliation. You are in what is called false reconciliation. You are confusing appeasement by him of you, with him changing from being a cheater. You have made it too easy on him. He will cheat again.

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Hello,

 

I am new here but have really been wrestling with a question and would appreciate the views of anyone having gone through something similar.

 

My husband of almost 20 years started an emotional affair last May (via email) with an old girlfriend from high school. We had a death in the family in February, and not long afterwards, my husband's affair with this woman became sexual. She is a trained grief therapist and I firmly believe she used her skills as a therapist to go in for 'the kill' when my husband was at his weakest.

 

In May he ended the affair after realizing he wanted to be with me and was trying to recreate our relationship with her. In June, we began the long, painful process of rebuilding our marriage. Things are actually going really, really well and I am very happy that we have this second chance. I love my husband more than anything and I can see the things I did - both of us did do and didn't do - that led to this infidelity.

 

There is one problem - my husband also feels terrible about how much he hurt the other woman. In an effort to 'let her down gently' he told her something that goes like this: "you are the true love of my life and always have been but I need to go back to my terrible wife for the good of my children."

 

I hate this and it eats away at me. Am I wrong to want my husband to tell her the truth?

 

My husband says he does not want to cause more hurt. I agree that I do not want him to be a person who is willing to hurt others. He also says I only want him to tell her the truth in order to cause her pain. I partly agree with this. I DO want her to feel at least some of the pain I have to cope with every minute of every day. After all, I did nothing and she actively went after my husband. Why is the pain all mine to bear?

 

But also, I think her belief that my husband still loves her and - in a perfect world - would be with her instead of me is very upsetting. It torments me, actually. I also think, on some level it makes her a threat. She waited 30 years to have this chance with him...obviously she would be willing to wait another year or two to see if she can have another chance with him in a new moment of weakness. I hate the idea that she is sitting out there waiting for my kids to turn 18 so she can take another try...I hate that she thinks he is miserable with me. I hate that her feelings seem to matter more than my own in this situation. Though will I really feel better if she knows the truth?

 

I really, really hate that there seem to be two truths here: the one she believes and the one I believe. it makes me wonder which truth is the true one and I somewhat feel that if he corrected the version he gave to her, that maybe this would make my version more true. Does that sound silly and petty? Maybe it is.

 

I do have evidence that this woman was truly evil and manipulative in her efforts to offer my husband an escape from grief and I do not feel that her feelings should matter at all. Further, I feel that allowing her to think she did nothing wrong, that he is suffering with me and dreaming of her, is actually keeping her from achieving true redemption for her deeds and also, may be interfering with her willingness to get back with her husband.

 

In truth, though, deep down, I just want two things: for there to be only one truth about this in the world, and yes - for her to suffer at least a billionth as much as I have suffered. Am I wrong to want this? Genuinely, I just want to know. I think I could force my husband to do this - tell her the truth - but should I make him do something that will only add to his feelings of guilt? Should something be done if it's main purpose is just more pain? Maybe the best thing to do is to forgive her, forgive him and let it go. I wish I could. I want to. It has been three months of me trying so hard...will this help? Or will it make things worse?

 

What do people think?

 

 

 

This is not about the OW. Your husband is taking advantage of cheap forgiveness.

 

He wants the OW to think kindly of him. He's a coward hiding behind his duty to marriage and family. This allows him to be a martyr and be the editor of his grand love affair.

 

Your husband needs a strong dose of reality. That reality is you handing him his suitcase and wishing him well. Odds are he doesn't really want to be step dad to her children and lose his family and half of his assets.

 

Cheap forgiveness and enabling your spouse to portray himself as a tragic victim to his affair partner is nothing but bulls**t.

 

You set the standard of your own value and the love and respect you deserve.

 

If you don't put your foot down now you will never be at peace within yourself.

 

Sometimes, more often than not, you must be willing to end your marriage at the risk of saving it.

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