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is good enough good enough?


katielee

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to be clear: I had an affair and then he had two...

we get along fine, have lots of fun together....but when we speak of the affairs we get in fights.

I have not forgiven him. he says he has forgiven me, although to me that means never getting angry and he does, but maybe that's just my definition.

 

I don't think of him as damaged goods or anything, I think of him as someone who was very angry and justified his actions based on my actions. Does he realize that was wrong - not really. Says he wouldn't have done it had I not done it. not sure I can live with that. not sure I can live with how he saw me devastated by one affair and then promptly have another affair. the consequences of this would be to not have me in his life.

 

not sure if I'm here out of love, obligation or security.

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...

not sure if I'm here out of love, obligation or security.

 

I think you need to figure this out first - it's easier to put perspective on your situation if you are clear on what you want. But overall, your relationship doesn't sound healthy to me.

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He forgave you didn't he? When you had your affair, he could have divorced. I know two wrongs don't make a right and rather than take the high road, he stepped out on you for revenge. Why can't you forgive him then? After all you were the one who cheated in the first place. Yet you can't forgive. Why? Truth be told, you started this mess and when the shoe is now on the other foot, your angry that you got what you gave. You never gave the reason why you cheated but made it clear why he did. I'm not making excuses for what he did, but no doubt your hurting. I also believe he was too.

 

Are you both seeing a MC? I hope you can repair the marriage and both of you learn a lesson. Bet of luck to you both.

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yes we are in MC.. I have forgiven the first one but not the second. But I didn't deserve either of them, no matter what I did. Nor did he. I would have RATHER he divorced me than have affairs.

I shouldn't have to forgive simply because he did.... or said he did.

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.

 

not sure if I'm here out of love, obligation or security.

 

So what? Sometimes one or more of these reasons are valid for staying married to some - even without an affair. Marriage can mean different things to people at different times. If its a valid reason for you to stay - its a valid reason for you then.

 

 

No affair is justified, nor do you need to remain marriage after one- however if you need or seek forgiveness for your own transgressions - it kind of goes you ought to forgive others for theirs. Forgiving does not mean approval or acceptance.

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No affair is justified, nor do you need to remain marriage after one- however if you need or seek forgiveness for your own transgressions - it kind of goes you ought to forgive others for theirs. Forgiving does not mean approval or acceptance.

 

I do not need forgiveness. I totally get that he doesn't have to offer that to me or even tell me. Nor do I agree that if he forgives me I have to forgive him.

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yes we are in MC.. I have forgiven the first one but not the second. But I didn't deserve either of them, no matter what I did. Nor did he. I would have RATHER he divorced me than have affairs.

I shouldn't have to forgive simply because he did.... or said he did.

 

 

By the same token you could have divorced him than have your affair but you decided to go with affair option. I guess we could say that infidelity is the gift that never stops giving.... and asks nothing in return.

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yep, I could have divorced. He probably wishes I would have.

but I'm here to get advice on dealing with the facts.

and many on here are saying that tit for tat thing.... it's not right, healthy or mature. but I deserve it? no... expect it? Maybe but I don't have to forgive it or remain in a marriage where I've been punished for what I've done.

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He didn't deserve to be cheated on either but you did it. He cheated twice. Once more than you so you have choices to make. Divorce, reconcile or even the score and have another affair which I don't recommend.

 

If your not happy and in your heart you feel that seeing a MC is doing you no good, then by all means end the marriage before it gets too far out of control. It's obvious your not happy so why stay? Move on and be happy. Ya know?

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question is - do I want to be married to someone who justifies his actions on my actions.... how healthy is that?

 

and again, he can choose to forgive me and I don't have to forgive him. I'm not sure why ppl think it works that way. What could be a dealbreaker for someone isn't necessarily for the other.

 

how would i ever know he stopped? I had to catch him at both.

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I think what you guys are doing is keeping score. Both of you. You cheated. He felt entitled to do the same. But it didn't make him feel ahead (because yoir affair came out of "nothing". Or he liked it. Or whatever. In any case you feel like he is ahead of you.

 

A lot of couples do this and not just with affairs. I know a couple who does it with money, are massivly in debt and blame each other. Hubby buys golfing stuff so wife buys clothes. Wife buys a couch so hubby goes and gets a tv.

 

BTW, no one deserves forgiveness for any wrong doing. Forgiveness is given by the one wronged.

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yep, I could have divorced. He probably wishes I would have.

but I'm here to get advice on dealing with the facts.

and many on here are saying that tit for tat thing.... it's not right, healthy or mature. but I deserve it? no... expect it? Maybe but I don't have to forgive it or remain in a marriage where I've been punished for what I've done.

 

 

Was your husband's reaction to have revange affairs a healthy or mature way of dealing with the situation? Absolutely not. But it is understandable. Do you deserve it? Absolutely yes. If you could have done it to him, he can do it to you. It is really that simple.... don't be a hipocrite!

 

As far as getting advice on dealing with the facts.... I doubt you will get it. It is simply hard to offer anything constructive in such extreme situation like yours. Actually, getting divorce may be the best course of action for you since there seems to be so much "history" and resentment in your marriage.

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I don't agree that I deserved it. He didn't deserve my affair so how is this hypocritical??

 

Sunny, thank you. That's what I thought.

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If cheating is wrong....then cheating is always wrong.

 

If abuse, neglect, emotional or sexual starvation, abandonment, etc are not valid "reasons" for cheating (and they are not)....then cheating is not a valid reason for cheating either.

 

We can't have it both ways. If cheating is always the wrong choice and cannot be mitigated by what someone else did....then cheating is always the wrong choice EVEN if what someone else did was cheat first.

 

It is called consistency.

 

I do think that forgiveness IS necessary for real reconciliation and a real continued marriage. If forgiveness cannot happen, then divorce needs to.

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I don't agree that I deserved it. He didn't deserve my affair so how is this hypocritical??

 

 

You are kidding, right?

 

You claim that your husband didn't deserve your affair but in the end it didn't matter much because getting your pleasures was more important to you anyway. If you do something to others, you have to accept that they may want to do the same to you. You deserved to get the same and your husband treated you with a greater douse of the same medicine. It clearly has a bitter taste.

 

Just get divorced and move on.... your marriage seems to be dead anyway.

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I have forgiven the first one but not the second. But I didn't deserve either of them, no matter what I did. Nor did he.
Do you know why he did the 2nd one? Right or wrong, he cheated because, while you cheated when you wanted to have one and for the pure satisfaction of doing it, he cheated mainly out of revenge. A revenge affair is not nearly as satisfying as your kind of affair. He was trying to even the score and did not think that only one was fair compensation. Also, while he would have preferred being in a marraige where neither cheated, you unilaterally decided for the both of you that your marriage was not going to be like that. Additionally, he is thinking like a guy in a fight; that just because the other person that picked the fight by sucker punching you in the face hit you only once, in hitting back there is no reason to only hit once in return. As a deterrent, Israel has a policy that if you kill one of theirs they will kill many in return. Similarly as a deterrent, you now know that as a policy cheat on your husband once, and he will cheat on you twice in return.

 

In his way of thinking, for his own self respect, he needed to either divorce you or cheat back. He actually loves you and did not want to divorce you. You never expected this as you were thinking that as the entitled one in the marraige, that he would always do the right thing and play by the rules regardless of what you did; guess again. This is a very unfortunate situation. Good luck and be well.

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thank you Jane Doe.... I want to make sure I have given it enough time and done everything I can.

 

IF you haven't worked through the reasons why the cheating happened and done everything possible to change the way you participate - then you can certainly consider you have more you could do to change this - and forgive.

 

If you have done everything possible and it hasn't changed - then you could leave knowing you did your best to make it work.

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The Karma bus goes both ways. If you are not remorseful for cheating on him, why should he be remorseful for cheating on you? Why do you feel that your feelings are more honest or important than his? Either BOTH of you learn to forgive each other and work on your issues as a team, or get a divorce and put this toxic marriage out of it's misery.

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sounds to me like he "one-upped" you and now you're bitter.

 

right. If I was I'd just have another affair to "even it out.." whatever. I'm not doing that. All cheating is wrong. I'll not be involved in a power struggle.

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If you are not remorseful for cheating on him, why should he be remorseful for cheating on you?

 

Who says I'm not remorseful? what is this tit for tat stuff?

I'm not gonna give him a free pass just because I did it - well, heck I did. I forgave one affair. As Jane Doe says, cheating is always wrong.

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