How to handle a massive crush?

[goindownthewrongpath]

Wow, what a great forum! A lot of pain here, but also a lot of good advice.

 

I'm 40 years old -- happily married for 5 years, with two young children.

 

OK, here's the deal. I play about 4 tennis tournaments a year, about 1 every quarter. Despite what you see on TV, there are a whole lot of sitting around and watching other matches that goes on -- which gives me a lot of free time there. Well, two tournaments ago, I briefly met a nice young lady (who is also a tennis player). I had gone up to her to start an innocent (really!) conversation because I remembered reading about her in my Alma Mater's alumni magazine. Well, we proceeded to talk about tennis, our school, and life in general for the next hour (it seems like it was 5 hours, though!). Sometime during this hour, I developed a massive crush on this woman. This was the first time that this has happened during my marriage. I was stunned as this came on like a thunderbolt (complete with thunderclap and howling wind)! Since there was a lot of background noise from the crowd, so we had to get pretty close to each other, so that we could hear what we were saying. Towards the end of our conversation, I had become so flustered, hot and bothered, etc, that I could only manage to utter things like, "Uh-huh", "Really?", "Wow, that's great!". Early in the conversation I did point out that I am married (she is divorced), because I noticed that we were beginning to talk about personal things, and not just tennis.

 

So, I have had crushes before (although not while being married), but this one is different than the rest. Unfortunately, I suspect that she may be attracted to me, also. Before we went our separate ways, I caught her looking at me -- she looked a little embarrassed and immediately looked down at her feet. I know that this isn't a mountain of evidence, but it certainly looked incriminating.

 

Anyway, fast forward 3 months to my second tournament (she plays 3 out of the same 4 tournaments as I do). As soon as I walk in the door to the tennis clubhouse, she is right there and happy to see me! She shakes my hand and we proceed to start watching an ongoing match together. Of course, being the shy (and married!) person I am, after about 5 minutes, I abruptly get up leave. Knowing that I may be going down the wrong path, I say nothing else to her during the rest of tournament, other than a perfunctory "hiya" when we pass in the passage-ways. I purposely did not go to the Saturday night players party, because I did not want to run in to her.

 

By now, you are probably saying, "This guy is an idiot, all he has to do is <fill in the blank>." Well, keep in mind that I'm not thinking straight right now (I was hit by a thunderbolt, remember?) -- I pretty much only have one thing on my mind. I really would like your input and to help me put things into perspective.

 

I am curious about how I should handle this situation. On the one hand, I do not want to have an adulterous relationship -- period. I also don't want to stop playing tennis, as I love the sport and have been playing for many years. Unfortunately, there are only 4 major events worth playing, so I don't have a lot of leeway in choosing alternate events that she doesn't attend. One other complication -- we have mutual friends, so it is hard for me to completely avoid her.

 

On the other hand, ever since I met this person, I have been enjoying a period of high motivation and discipline! My relationship with my wife has become even more loving and fun. I've even surprise myself during our lovemaking -- sometimes I feel that I can now go all night long if I wanted to. During my athletic workouts, which in the past have been lackluster due to low motivation, I've become unstoppable on the stairmaster. I feel now that I have enough energy and desire to just about anything I want. I am throughly enjoying this "renaissance" brought on these feelings for another woman.

 

Which brings me back to reality -- how do I handle my crush on her? I just can't turn off these feelings. On a superficial level, I fantasize about something happening between us. I'm sorry, but I just can't help it. I certainly feel a strong sexual attraction towards her. The feelings for her that I have are extremely powerful and I think about her quite often (probably a little too often). Don't get me wrong though -- this situation is not affecting my job or my other personal life (yet?). On the contrary, it has actually helped me to be a more caring and loving person with my wife, my family, and my friends.

 

While I fully sympathize with those in this forum who have experienced the pain of infidelity, I have to ask the following question: Can I handle these feelings and not let things progress to a physical level? I actually like the way that this crush has made me feel. I also like (and am flattered at) receiving the attention of this woman. Things are going great now, but I don't want things to end up like some of the threads that I read in this forum. I would like to think that I can handle things appropriately -- I've never cheated on a girlfriend in the past when I had a crush on another person. Then again, the stakes are higher now that I'm married and have kids. Can I continue to have innocuous contact with the woman?

[Matilda]

I would say that you need to be very, very careful if you would like to stay married.

 

A fantasy is one thing, and it sounds like your life was a little down in the dumps, and then this gal came along and perked you up, and made you pick up the pace a little bit. That's all cool, sounds like your life needed some perking up. But, you are in danger of destroying your life as you know it.

 

I would say, you need to decide if you really want to keep your marriage. If you do, you need to realize that this woman is dangerous to your marriage. Then do whatever you can to lessen the contact you have with her.

 

I also think you need to think about,what it was about your life before that made it not so great, and what it is about your life now that makes it seem better. Was the relationship between you and your wife not so good? If so, instead of thinking about another woman, you need to think about how to improve your relationship with your wife.

 

Also, think about why your productivity has increased. I would guess because you are feeling better about yourself. So maybe you need to figure out why you were feeling bad before, and what you can do to keep feeling better, that doesn't involve this woman.

 

There is advice about this problem at this link:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

[moimeme]

Being infatuated sets of a pile of endorphins and other chemicals that will do exactly the things that you are noticing - zip up your energy, spark your motivation, etc. You can have a crush on someone BUT you must absolutely continue to tell yourself and enjoy it for a crush only. You MUST continue to tell yourself that it is only a crush. Stop thinking about her (there are thought-stopping techniques - like just thinking STOP when you start thinking about her). If she comes to mind, remind yourself it's only a crush.

 

You can enjoy the high of a crush if you never, ever allow yourself to think of it being or becoming anything more and if you do not do any relationship things like spend time with her. It's unfortunate that you have to shun her, but it'll be the only way to stop yourself from doing anything worse.

[tiki]

Maybe you should ask your wife how she would like it? How would you like it if she had these thoughts and was considering acting on it? Take into consideration the other person. Don't make a selfish, self-centered, self-consumed move. You didn't marry you, you married her. You commited to her. If your marriage lacks something, tell HER.

 

I would not recommend cheating on your wife. I would not recommend possibly destroying your family. Please take your time and reconsider all of this. Put it into perspective. Change your tennis tour if you have to. Get away from this crush, she's nothing but poison for you.

 

I hope you make the right decision that you can live with for the rest of your life. It's not all about 'right now'. It's not all about 'you'. It's about a life-long commitment that you're better than that to break.

 

 

p.s. getbackontherightpath

[goindownwrongpath]

Hey, thanks for all the thoughtful advice! You guys are great!

 

I particularly liked the link to the marriagebuilder web-site. While my situation isn't exactly the same, it is important for me to know how to avoid an affair and when to draw the line. There is one particular point in the article that I found illuminating -- if one chooses to divulge one's hidden feelings to the subject person, then all contact must be broken off. I think that I will take this particular advice to heart. It's funny, though -- I had actually contemplated revealing my feelings to her -- just to put things "out in the open". Now I can see that this would have been a major faux pas. Yikes! Perhaps I should make this the break-off point. Did I tell you guys that you are great?

 

I don't know what the official definition of a "crush" is, but for me, it is have very strong (and sexual) feeling for a person without having any close or intimate contact. I have only even seen this woman twice in my life, let alone spent any appreciable amount of time with her. While she has told me her life story (why do women do things like that to complete strangers?), we certainly aren't even good friends. To answer a question that one of you asked, I don't think she fulfills any unmet need that I have. I think that I'm attracted to her because she is young (about 10 years my junior), good looking, and very friendly towards me. I don't think that these are the type of things that I can talk to my wife about providing me. (Not that my wife is not good looking or friendly! )

 

Why has my productivity increased? THAT is an extremely good question! This is why I like thinking about this woman in the first place. It is not that I want to have an affair, but it is because how she makes me feel. I will think long and hard on this question.

 

Yes, I do tell myself that "this is only a crush". It really helps me feel better when I find myself thinking about her too often.

 

I don't think that I should talk about this to my wife -- not yet, at least. After all, not a whole lot has happened. Plus, as I said previously, this whole crush thing has actually enhanced our relationship. I feel more loving toward towards my spouse than ever before. If I were to tell my wife about this, I'm fairly certain she would simply say, "Don't talk to this woman again." Maybe I shouldn't, but heck, I'd like to think that I have a modicum of self control.

[FolderWife]

Can you say, "Mid life crisis"?

 

Tell her you're married, and see what she says. Tell your crush that you're married. If she is any kind of woman, she will back off, and quit "looking" at you. If she's slime, she'll continue to persue you...then, you can look at her, and say, "Gosh, what kind of slimey slut goes after a married man!?" and realize that she's not alwonderful, and get over her.

 

I completely understand the crush on someone else thing. I have a little crush on some guy I know, because he's so calm, and sweet, and nice. I go home to my husband calling me names, then go around him, and his sweetness. Yep, I easily fell out of love with my husband, and in love with someone else. I had to kick myself into realizing that this guy had problems too....added to the fact that he's married.

 

My husband straightened up, and I honestly don't think I still loved him. We had so many balls in the air, that it would've been to complicated for me to leave.

 

I quickly fell back in love with my husband.

 

I almost think that avoidance from this woman will make you want her more! What is your wife lacking that this woman has? Maybe you could sit down and talk to your wife, and ask her to be more __fill in the blank__ Once I sat down and told my husband not to call me names, and to count to ten before yelling at me, his attitude along with mine improved a lot.

[Loveobsessions]

Well I'm not this woman but I can tell you from a similar story (mine) I was so hurt by you telling me how well things are going with your wife thanks to her. Because I knwo it's the same situation and my love interest is having a blast out of his crush for me, with his wife. And it's just too painful. One, you are cheating on your wife emotionally, because you have feelings for someone else, so yuou either supress them or go for the other girl (more unlikely) but women now are pushy, if she hasn't made a move and she likes you, she may be respecting a marriage. )I'm not saying it's like this I'm just writing it bc if my sweetie is having such a blast of having met me and not acting up on it I'm so heartbroken). But remember also that platonic love is always more excilerating because the less you know about this girl makes her closer to what your imagination makes of her and not the real her and longing makes us feel out of ourselves.

 

But that's it, your story is the other side of mine and excuse me but you sounds selfish.

[deesgirl]

I think you need a reality check. You say that you can continue this crush and not have an affair. How do you think affairs start? Not only low lifes have them. Good people do too. They are people like you that continue to put themselves in tempting situations, then the next thing you hear is 'it just happened. I didn't mean for it to happen'. If you keep going the way you are, then yes you did mean for it to happen.

 

This woman is not helping your marriage. You feel guilty for having feelings and flirting with someone else, so you are being more loving to your wife because of it. Do you think your wife would appreciate your extra affection and love making knowing it's because you're thinking of someone else? Don't fool yourself into thinking this is a good thing for you and your wife.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think you need to open your eyes. Do you realise that your wife is probably put into these tempting situations everyday? Most women have men flirting with them or giving them appreciative looks everywhere they go. How would you feel if your wife encouraged these men?

 

She is trusting you to do the right thing in these situations just like you are trusting her. If you don't blow this woman off right now there is a chance that you will fall in love with her and/or have an affair.

 

Try to think about watching your wife leave with your children and start her life over. It may be fun thinking about being with someone else, but the reality is that you will lose a woman that loves you for the real you. All the positive and the negative.

 

The link you were given to marriage builders website is a good one. Read over the whole site and put your energy back into your marriage before you ruin it.