Jump to content

Real relationship?


Recommended Posts

Naively on my D-day, I assumed that in order for someone to have an affair and to risk it all if found out that the affair relationship must have been "real".

 

Ironically, as I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well, I was shocked he wasn't thrilled to leave and take his affair relationship out from the shadow and into the light.

 

I told him it had been unnecessary to have lied to me. The lies hurt me more than the actual affair. He knew me, knew that I had never been one to impose myself in anyone's path of happiness. It was so confusing and I have struggled with the concept of an affair being a real relationship and that once discovered the next logical step would be that the affair partners would be relieved and enthusiastically embrace being together and out in the open.

 

Is an affair a real relationship? I don't think so anymore. I'm interested in other's opinion as to whether they agree or disagree.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites

It is very possible for either a Man or a Woman to be totally in love with one person and have an active sexual relationship with another. It happens all the time all over the World and most cultures accept this as long as the "affair" is not carried out in a manner which is disrespectful to the other partner.

 

If your Hubby thought that you would be okay with talking to you about an affair he probably would have brought it to your attention. Apparently he figured just talking about having an affair would bring about the same result.

 

Marriage is not for everyone.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
It is very possible for either a Man or a Woman to be totally in love with one person and have an active sexual relationship with another. It happens all the time all over the World and most cultures accept this as long as the "affair" is not carried out in a manner which is disrespectful to the other partner.

 

If your Hubby thought that you would be okay with talking to you about an affair he probably would have brought it to your attention. Apparently he figured just talking about having an affair would bring about the same result.

 

Marriage is not for everyone.

 

In my culture an "affair" is absolutely disrespectful.

 

I agree that marriage is not for everyone, especially for those who only pay lip service to commitment.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
It was so confusing and I have struggled with the concept of an affair being a real relationship and that once discovered the next logical step would be that the affair partners would be relieved and enthusiastically embrace being together and out in the open.

 

This is a gross misunderstanding. If the AP's had wanted to take their relationship out in the open they would have already done so. There are always many different dynamics in an affair from each AP. Together they come to an agreement of what works best for their individual situations.

 

As you well know when an affair is discovered all hell breaks loose on many different fronts, the BS, the kids, work, family, the marriage itself, social implications, etc.. Well, all of those impacts have a dramatic change of the dynamic of the affair relationship.

 

Is an affair a real relationship? I don't think so anymore. I'm interested in other's opinion as to whether they agree or disagree.

 

Of course it is real.

 

Noun

The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected.

 

The fact that it is not out in the open doesn't impact its 'realness'. It's just different.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

As you well know when an affair is discovered all hell breaks loose on many different fronts, the BS, the kids, work, family, the marriage itself, social implications, etc.. Well, all of those impacts have a dramatic change of the dynamic of the affair .

 

 

Are you implying that reality has an impact on the dynamic of the affair relationship. That in order for an affair to flourish it must not intrude on the kids, work, family, or social implications.

 

So are you saying an affair is a real relationship but must not impede on the false reality you project to your kids, family and social implications?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, obviously life isn't so simple. If my husband had packed my bags and sent me to the curb I would have went home to my parents and started life as a single parent. I probably would have hoped until the day he remarried that he would take me back. Why? Because my affair was about sex. It was a real "sexual" relationship.

 

A's are real relaionships. They are not good relationships. But they actually do happen and really exsist. And the marriage is a real marriage. It just isn't a good one at the core even if the BS doesn't know.

 

They just aren't widely accepted and embraced. And i do not think they should be.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think that success stories of A relationships working out are few when compared to the ones that fail. So yes, i don't think they are destined to be anything more than an A.

 

Of course there are exceptions but they always make me squirmy. I do not enjoy love stories that start out as deception and betrayal.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Are you implying that reality has an impact on the dynamic of the affair relationship. That in order for an affair to flourish it must not intrude on the kids, work, family, or social implications.

 

 

 

I'm saying other people reactions to the reality of the affair has an impact. I'm saying that the affair has flourished under those specific conditions.

 

It is no different than when one of the AP's gets divorced. All of the sudden one is free and the other is not. It changes a central dynamic.

 

So are you saying an affair is a real relationship but must not impede on the false reality you project to your kids, family and social implications?

 

If those are the agreed to terms between the APs.

 

Make no mistake, you don't have to be involved in an affair to project a 'false reality' about any of those things. In fact I would say most people do that about one or all of them.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This baffles me too....

 

Does all the future faking fuel an affair's intensity? The what ifs and if onlys?

 

Does it's secretiveness fuel the sexual tension?

 

Do both APs NOT WANT real, as in, reality? A day-in, day-out sharing of all of life's moments?

 

Would it make less special when it becomes less clandestine?

 

I too sent him to sail into the sunset with his soulmate. It lasted all of three weeks before he started begging me back.

 

Needless to say, I was very confused.

 

Having the opportunity to have a real relationship just wasn't as much fun as the secret, forbidden affair is the only thing I could conclude.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
So affairs are real relationships but not worthy of being more than an affair?

 

It all depends on individual circumstances, and those are all over the map.

 

I would welcome having a relationship with my MW if the particulars lined up right.

 

As I mentioned several months ago my MW was ready to blow everything up so we could start our own marriage, but I talked her down from that position because it was not in our best interests at the time.

 

For Coolit, probably not. But that is because of the type of affair she was involved in. There is not one particular mold that every affair fits within.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Naively on my D-day, I assumed that in order for someone to have an affair and to risk it all if found out that the affair relationship must have been "real".

 

Is an affair a real relationship? I don't think so anymore. I'm interested in other's opinion as to whether they agree or disagree.

 

Cake vs Icing. Who wants just icing?

 

Of course an affair is not a real relationship. Are they spending time with OW/OM paying bills, what to make for dinner, arguing over laundry, cleaning the toliets, dealing with the kids bad grades, seeing each other sick... please !

 

Thats why so few WS who do leave for AP - ever stay with them in the long run. Its different when you are in a REAL relationship.

Edited by dichotomy
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Are they spending time with OW/OM paying bills, what to make for dinner, arguing over laundry, cleaning the toliets, dealing with the kids bad grades, seeing each other sick... please !

 

I don't do any of those things with my best friend, my neighbors, my mailman, my housekeeper, my brother, my sister, or my dog, but I have real relationships with them.

 

It is obviously not a marital relationship, but it is still a real relationship.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

I would welcome having a relationship with my MW if the particulars lined up right.

 

 

You are contradicting yourself. You claim your affair is real relationship but your comment above says otherwise.

Link to post
Share on other sites
You are contradicting yourself. You claim your affair is real relationship but your comment above says otherwise.

 

I meant open relationship. Sorry I left that word out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And I can certainly understand why BS's and WS's that try to reconcile make every effort to minimize the affair relationship. It is a practical necessity.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
they are built on lies and deceit

 

I hear this so often, but it just isn't true. The affair relationship itself is between the two AP's, and unless they are lying to each other it is built on what is between them.

 

The lies and deceit have to do solely with the relationship with the BS, not the AP

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I meant open relationship. Sorry I left that word out.

 

 

But if it's a real relationship being out in the open would be a given.

 

I see that in order to maintain an affair it requires mental gymnastics and rationalizations that support it's realness as long as it's kept secret.

 

Disneyland is a real place but no one really lives there.:laugh:

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner

I laughed in my WH's face when I read him his deleted texts out loud. :lmao: I said "Are you F**king serious, you called each other girlfriend and boyfriend (they did too lol) like in junior high school or something. Tickles me pink to this day :laugh::lmao:

 

I actually don't have any issue anymore as my give a damn is pretty darn broken. My WH knows now that should he have the opportunity to date again to let me know ahead of time.:laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites

I had an A for 18 mths, After Dday and pulling back the rug of why the A happened, I realized I fell in Love with the escape of all the crap I had going on in my world.

 

In the end the A happened because certain needs in my relationship were not being met. Not just sexual needs but the need to be needed wanted and so forth. I also failed my W in providing needs she had. It snowballed and I am the one who failed.

 

The A (first and only for me) shed light on what was wrong with my M and we both are working at being better for each other. If the A doesn't open peoples eyes then there was more than just an escape for them.

 

Everything that I have read is the AP never works out if the M/W tried to make a true relationship out of it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner
I hear this so often, but it just isn't true. The affair relationship itself is between the two AP's, and unless they are lying to each other it is built on what is between them.

 

The lies and deceit have to do solely with the relationship with the BS, not the AP

 

Well this depends on the WS.

Link to post
Share on other sites
But if it's a real relationship being out in the open would be a given.

 

I see that in order to maintain an affair it requires mental gymnastics and rationalizations that support it's realness as long as it's kept secret.

 

Disneyland is a real place but no one really lives there.:laugh:

 

 

Affairs are a strange thing. Sometimes both WS and OM/OW declare undying love. Make plans for te future. Talk about how many children they will have. talk about growing old together(notice I said TALK).

 

But there is an unspoken agreement. NEVER EVER call or talk to my spouse and out this affair. Otherwise, no matter how much we claim to love each other. How much MM claims you are the soulmate from heaven Reality may intercede and OW/OM is usually thrown under the bus.

 

The fear of that possibly happening keeps so many AP from calling spouse and just gettin the truth of what is really going on in the marriage.

 

MP can exaggerate or make all sorts of claims all day long and it is not disputed. "I have been a great spouse, but my spouse does not appreciate me" I am a great parent BS is horrible to kids" "BS is a drunk". Whatever they say. It cannot be confirmed.

 

So I wonder how real a relationship is when you know if you ever think of exposing it, you will most likely will be the chosen one. But this is love? Love is an action, not words.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
But if it's a real relationship being out in the open would be a given.

 

I see that in order to maintain an affair it requires mental gymnastics and rationalizations that support it's realness as long as it's kept secret.

 

Disneyland is a real place but no one really lives there.:laugh:

 

I'm not sure where you get that line of thinking. It doesn't make any sense. A relationship is not defined by its openness. It is defined by whether there is a connection between two people. Whether anyone else knows about it is immaterial.

 

You talk about Disneyland and mental gymnastics? Do you think all of the BS's are on this site posting here about their pain because they were lied to, or because they were destroyed by the fact that their WS had an intimate r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p with someone besides them?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I laughed in my WH's face when I read him his deleted texts out loud. :lmao: I said "Are you F**king serious, you called each other girlfriend and boyfriend (they did too lol) like in junior high school or something. Tickles me pink to this day :laugh::lmao:

 

I actually don't have any issue anymore as my give a damn is pretty darn broken. My WH knows now that should he have the opportunity to date again to let me know ahead of time.:laugh:

 

 

I have a male friend who had an affair with MW for years. He was so absolutely in love with her back then. Now he cringes when anyone mentions it. He tells anyone that will listen"Nothing good comes from an affair". He also sees how he made an ordinary women into the "fantasy girl of a lifetime". He sees her manipulation and low character which he ignored before.

 

Everyone would look at her and ask why her ? as the single women available to him were much more educated,attractive, HAD MORALS. But he says now he sees how ordinary she was. But in the affair, he thought she was some prize.

 

I was teasing him once and asked how can you possibly talk marriage and kids with a woman who was already married? He says "Once I got my head out of my ass, I realized just how idiotic this whole thing was". Not funny. but sort of.:)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...