Unhappy in long marriage, have met another man

[August]

Hi Everyone,

 

I am new here...was looking around the net for some help with my situation and I found this site.

 

I am 40 years old and have been married to the same man since I was 16. It will be 24 years in August. We have three kids almost grown, the youngest being 16. I married him when he was 31, he is 15 years older than me.

 

I don't want to drag this out, but our life has been rocky from the start. My H has had a hard time holding down a good job over the years, some years our annual income was below 10,000 for all 5 of us. Currently, he is on social security and I work fulltime, so we are getting by okay now. The other thing that has been a drain on our relationship is his temper and anger issues. He reacts to things with violence, breaking things, busting walls, doors, windows, dishes, etc. I will say, though, that he has never hit me, but I honestly don't trust him not to. I have seen him so mad that I think he would be capable of anything. And I know alot of you are asking, what makes him so mad? Well, he would tell you that it is mine and the childrens fault for not listening to him and doing what he says. See, we have gone to a very fundamental church from the start of our marriage, the kind that says the wife is to be in submission to her husband and the kids, also. So, he blames me for not being submissive. Which I will admit, sometimes I am very stubborn and strong willed and it has been hard for me to submit to him from the beginning. But he has had issues with his temper prior to our marriage because I have been told stories by his family of things he has done.

 

Anyway, over the years, I have lost respect for him and we have grown apart, partly I think due to our age difference. Through it all, I have never been unfaithful to him, until about 3 months ago.

 

I never thought I would be unfaithful, for one thing because our church teaches it is a sin. But in March I met a man at work who totally captured my heart. I was in a vulnerable position, lonely and tired of being unhappy. So, to cut this short, I want my H to give me a divorce, but I don't know how to go about this without hurting him. I still care for him but I haven't loved him for a long time.

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you

[Debster]

Ok. You try to rationalize and excuse your cheating by saying that your relationship was always rocky and that he has anger issues.

 

Those may be true - but what did you do in your 24 year marriage to change things?

 

If you were that unhappy you should have either worked on fixing your issues or got out of the marriage. Plus you knew he had anger issues BEFORE you married him.

 

Cheating IMO is never the answer and ALWAYS hurts someone.

 

You say you don't want to hurt your husband. IMO It seems a little too late to be worrying about that.

[August]

I am not trying to rationalize, I am just giving history. And I often thought about ending things but its not easy to do when children are young.

[kirkyswife]

why do people ALWAYS use the children as the reason for staying together. Don't you know children sense tension/dysfunction? Be honest with yourself and get your life together so you can be better parents (happier might I add) to your children.

[kirkyswife]

I am so disgusted with the lack of morals and values out in the world. I think you are cowards who have no respect for your spouse let alone yourselves. You do not honor vows and so I wonder what moral code you follow. It is disgusting to me that people have to suffer (and they ultimately will as a result of your deception) because you are too spineless to come correct and state your true feelings and intentions. This is madness and I pray that my husband will show me more respect than many of you fail to even consider.

 

It's a shame we are debating the sanctity of marriage and "preserving it" just so monsters like you out there can subject pain upon unsuspecting faithful spouses/lovers. Posts like this make marriage seem like such a joke and I am so sad for the people you deceive and punish with your flagrant disrespect.

 

What the hell is going on out there and where has common courtesy gone

[Fayebelle]

Kirkyswife- I have a feeling we're gonna get some hate mail on this but I COMPLETELY AGREE! I try not to be judgemental but I am old fashioned where family and friends are concerned. Cheating does nothing but demean everyone in the situation. It tears families to parts and consumes the souls of all participating parties. What can you get out of a situation like that besides heartache and shame for everyone?

 

August- If you don't love your husband like you should-get out of his life so he can find someone who will. Cheating and lying will only bring you down. If you want to be with this man- go for it -once your seperation is complete. Staying tog for the kids? How do you think they'd feel if they understood their Mom was cheating on Dad? B/c if you continue it will eventually come to that.

[SingleInTheCity]

Kirkys and Faye - I'll accept hate mail with you on this one as well. I dare someone to challenge the vows I will take On July 3rd. My parents have been married 38 years, my grandparents 58 - marriage is not to be taken lightly -so I say bring it on. There isn't anything anyone can say that can justify deception.

[August]

I agree with you all that the vows of marriage are sacred and should be honored. But when I took those vows at the age of 16 they meant nothing to me, because I was too young and immature to realize the significance and weight of it all. I don't even recall what my marriage vows were. I was just repeating words I was told to repeat to achieve an end.

[SingleInTheCity]

Sorry but I'm not going to be sympathetic here August - You know the difference between right and wrong and so this is a simple fix to a very complex situation - HONESTY is the key

[Fayebelle]

So show maturity now by being honest with your husband and deciding the next course of action together.

[savethedrama4allama]

Okay, I'm gonna stick up for August here.

She didn't cheat and lead him on to think that the marriage is fine. She wants the relationship to end.

 

So, what you did was not moral by most standards, it would have been best if you got the divorce first. But we are all human.

 

I understand that you don't want to hurt him by admitting that you cheated. He might find out anyway. But if you really want to end the relationship, why does he need to know? He doesn't. If you don't want to be married any more, give him all of your reasons. The cheating is not the REASON you want the divorce, it is your proof that something was totally wrong in your relationship and you were not getting what you needed. Just don't lead him on, be intimate, or talk about possibly working it out unless you are willing to come clean about your unfaithfulness and start over. That would be unfair.

 

Singleinthecity, I do dare you. You wait until you are married for 20 years and the person who you said your original vows to has changed into someone you do not recognize. You are in no place to cast stones, if you know what I mean. Successful marriage is part luck, after all.

[mintjulep]

August- If you don't love your husband like you should-get out of his life so he can find someone who will.

More importantly, August, you should get out to make yourself happy. I am among the faction that does not condone cheating but I can understand - and am on your side 100% - if your solution to this problem would be to get a divorce. You might end up hurting people around you, but (at the very least) this new man in your life can have helped you realize that you are completely unhappy in your marriage and that you are not willing to put yourself through pain and emotional abuse anymore. Even if you don't end up with him, he can have been a catalyst towards a new life, but don't use him as an emotional and sexual outlet for your marriage.

 

What's more to the point is that you should distance yourself from this new man. You won't know if you really are unhappy in your marriage until you can figure it out for yourself, and if you're still around this guy you're going to feel very strongly about him and very strongly about wanting to cheat. You have to actually want to end the marriage if you're going to go through with it. The problem is that people sometimes see cheating as an easy way to solve their own problems without consciously thinking about the problems it will cause if they get caught (and very few people can keep a secret like that - a lot of spouses end up confessing an affair just to clear their own guilty consciences).

 

Just promise that you'll take time to think about this long and hard before you do anything. And don't listen too hard to judgy mcjudgerson and the choir on this forum. I never listen to people who try to make me feel badly about a thought that enters my mind. They're human, too. Usually, people who are most vocal about how horrible you are are the biggest hypocrites (in other words, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them is a coke dealer )

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by mintjulep

They're human, too. Usually, people who are most vocal about how horrible you are are the biggest hypocrites (in other words, I wouldn't be surprised if one of them is a coke dealer )

 

Obvously YOU aren't judgemental AT ALL

 

Autumn- I just feel you should wait until you have seperated yourself from your husband before you begin a new relationship. It's the most honest and respectful way to treat everyone involved INCLUDING yourself.

[mintjulep]

Obvously YOU aren't judgemental AT ALL

I never claimed not to be. I just wanted to post something on August's side, since the only other judgemental yahoos were being cruel to her.

 

*edit*Oh, sorry - I didn't realize you were one of the yahoos, or that your near-sighted post was the one I'd quoted. I should pay attention to usernames before I reply. Sorry about that.

[Fayebelle]

This is just a topic that people are very passionate about and so they voice their opinions accordingly. I doubt anyone meant to be cruel. It's a sticky situation and I hope everyone wishes August the best with it. Not being in favor of cheating does not make one Anti- August- if they are then they shouldn't take time to respond to a post meant to help her.

[mintjulep]

Not being in favor of cheating does not make one Anti- August- if they are then they shouldn't take time to respond to a post meant to help her.

No, but explicity stating that she should get out of the marriage to make her husband happy is anti-August, which is the point I was trying to make.

[Fayebelle]

If she is already looking outside the marriage for happiness she should offer him the opportunity to do the same by seperating from him.

[DazednConfused]

August,

 

I know you believe you understand what you think they said, but I am not sure that what you heard is not what they meant.

 

- I wrote that to symbolize the confusion you probably have right now and the conflict regarding your post.

 

 

Here's the deal from your husband's perspective: He is angry more with himself than you or your children. Men are traditionally the providers and it probably kills him that he is not good at it. He feels sorry for himself, and tries to gain control by dominating you and your family. He is in a bad place emotionally. While I have my doubts about whether he would hit you, I can understand your concern.

 

About the affair; Stop it now. Cut off all contact with this man until you settle your problems at home one way or another. I don't think there is any way you can ask for a divorce without hurting him as per your desire in your original post. You will have to tell him of your affair as well; I know you don't want to hear that, but he will find out if he doesn't suspect already. You say you don't love him anymore; are you absolutely positive of that, or is it a justification for the affair you have begun? Seriously consider and be honest with yourself before answering that last.

 

If you truly desire a divorce, then be honest with yourself and your husband and get one, at least show him that much respect. After it is all finalized, you will be free to pursue any relationship you wish with a clear conscience, and I think that will make a world of difference.

 

I will never condone or respect what you have done already, but I respect that you are looking for help in how to handle the mistake you have made. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

[Fayebelle]

Originally posted by DazednConfused

I will never condone or respect what you have done already, but I respect that you are looking for help in how to handle the mistake you have made. I wish you and your husband the best of luck.

 

Thanks for saying what I meant. Lovely!

[August]

Thank you all for your unput, both negative and positive. I want my freedom, regardless of whether it works out with the OM or not. I think I am reacting to so many years of doing for others (children and husband) with nothing left for myself. How long is a person supposed to keep trying to please and make others happy, ignoring their own unhappiness?

[DazednConfused]

August;

 

Marriage is about putting your spouse and children before yourself. It is about loving those people so much that it becomes not a sacrifice, but a fulfilling experience.

 

In a marriage where both partners do that for each other..... just imagine the possibilities. You drifted away from your husband, and he from you, to the point where neither of you seems to remember what you liked about each other in the first place. From what I have read in the last couple of weeks, if you are both willing, you can go back and find out, then build upon it.

 

You said in an earlier post that your vows meant nothing to you because you were so young..... but committment is an obligation. I would have to assume your vows were pretty straight up - better or worse, sickness and health, death do us part, etc. I think you need to take them seriously now that you have grown. Give it a chance, you may be very suprised with what happens when he realizes how close he is to losing you altogether. You will never know unless you try.

[Inten_se]

iu;

[Inten_se]

Hi August

 

I read the dilemma that you are facing presently and also saw some of the fickle responses you received. Thus, I couldn't resist providing you with some professional input.

 

If you look at the person you were at 16 (when you got married) you were not only very young but you were also naive and had no idea of what you wanted or needed in your life to make you happy. Today as a 40 year old woman I can see that you have come a long way and am quite sure you are VERY different to who you were at 16.

 

People change, needs change, wants change and maturity prevails at some point and that goes for each and every one of us. So now, at this stage in your life, after a long and hard struggle in an unhappy marriage that was probably a MISTAKE from the beginning, you have become involved with someone else.

 

All I can say is DON'T beat yourself up about this. The mere fact that you are attracted to someone else is a clear indication that your marriage is dysfunctional and this needs to be fixed in one way or another. Some questions you should ask yourself are as follows:

* Is divorce the solution?*Can counselling help, in other words, is the marriage repairable?* Will both me and my husband be happier in or out of the marriage?*Who will get hurt if we get divorced? i.e. the children, family members, you, him.* Is it financially and emotionally viable to get divorced?*How much damage has your poor relationship had on your children and will they be happier seeing you and your husband happy and not fighting, etc.

 

This guy that you are involved in is a SYMPTOM of your unhappy marriage. Thus, I recommend that you make your decision about divorcing independently from your lover?? e.g. If lover and I don't work out and I divorce my husband and lover is not in my life after that, will I still be happy with my decision to divorce. If the answer is yes great then you are doing the right thing, if your answer is no, save the marriage if you can.

 

Whatever you do DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND THAT YOU ARE INVOLVED WITH SOMETHING ELSE. This will just create hurt, destruction, havoc, etc. etc. Save everyone the pain. REMEMBER the man that you are involved in is a SYMPTOM of something much deeper that is wrong in the marriage. Lay people don't understand this and you will be condemned by society. FIX THE CAUSE of the problem you are presently facing.

 

Whatever you decide...you deserve to be HAPPY...it seems like you have made a lot of sacrifices in your life and maybe it is time to think about YOU for a change!!!!

 

GOOD LUCK!!!!!

[Same Situation]

Inten_se, that is exactly the ONLY kind of advice August should be getting about this.

 

Those of you who've bashed August for her supposed "immorality" obviously have no clue of what her life has been like and the unhappiness/loneliness/emptiness she's carried on with year after year. People who so readily (and angrily) give such blind criticism obvioulsy have your own problems to worry about. There must be some kind of traumatic stain in your own lives that make this such a sore spot to send you into such tizzies. If not, I still can't imagine that any of you are clean and pure and saintly enough to judge someone else for her "sins". So give August a break and try to put yourself in her shoes before you brand her with a big, red "A".

 

That being said, August, the fact that you're 40 and haven't had any long standing satisfaction in your marriage is a huge red flag that its time for a major change. Time's running out to live the life you deserve. You've given up 24 years of your life to a man that hasn't made you happy, a man you're not in love with. To marry an older man at 16, there must have been some kind of pressure pushing you to do it. Am I right that at 16, someone else was pulling most of the strings in your life, influencing you to make decisions you couldn't possibly be ready to make? If so, it's due time that you take your life back and make it what you've always wanted it to be. In that respect, I think it's ok to be selfish now and regardless of anyone else's feelings, break things off with your husband, and pursue this OM, if he's who you really want. Even if he's not, leave your husband anyway and experience life on your own. You sound like you've been rebellious, and certainly strong enough to get through living a submissive lifestyle that goes against your nature. It sounds like your spirit wants freedom, and you're desperate for self-liberation. So don't discount your own needs because people keep telling you you're wrong for having them. As for the kids...

 

People in these situations always worry about how divorce will affect their kids and what kind of example they may be setting by "giving up" a failing marriage instead of struggling on to make it work.

 

ONE, your kids aren't really "kids" anymore. I know it's tougher when they're littler. But you don't have that problem anymore. As it comes time for them to go out on their own, your life stops focusing on them and you're finally given the right to focus on yourself again. That's the reason kids grow up and it's the biggest reward of growing old. Honestly. At what age do you finally stop living for your kids and finally start living for yourself again???

 

And TWO, would you really want to see any one of your children end up following in your footsteps and suffering in a less than satisfying marriage for the "sake" of their kids? Would you find that kind of thinking a good enough reason for your own child to sacrifice his or her own potential??? Not a single parent I've asked that has ever said "YES" so I know it has to put a little something new into your perspective.

 

August, I know it's confusing, and there's the potential for some heartbreak for everyone involved, but now is the time to focus on what you deserve, and not on what you think everyone expects of you. Do some soul searching and think about YOU for a while. Then make your decision. And definitely ignore those eager to pass judgement. They don't even know what makes themselves happy, let alone what's right for you. BEST OF LUCK.

[MsOutdoors]

Married at 16?? I dont see how anyone CAN rightfully bash this woman who now finds herself in this circumstance. What the HELL does a 16 year old know about love/marriage? Teenagers feelings and opinions change like the wind. And this guy was 15 years OLDER than her?? Did i read that right? Umm..am I the only one that sees statutory issues here? What the hell was a 31 year old doing with a 16 year old?? The perv. NOW some folks feel sorry cause she wants to leave him? That is what he gets for choosing a BABY to marry to marry. Now she is a WOMAN and finally facing what she feels inside.