Highly Frustrated

[FrustratedDude]

Hi People,

 

I've ended up here because unfortunately infidelity has crept into my life.

 

So my wife and I married in Feb 2012. We dated for about 18 months beforehand, and would consider the relationship to be quite healthy throughout this. Like anyone we had the odd argument and blowup and so on, I would say no more than anyone else would. Major concern is that my wife has not ben working, so has too much time on her hands to think and be generally unhappy. I've heavily encouraged her to find work and seek some help for the anxiety surrounding this and so on, but so far she hasn't bitten. Another point of concern for me has been an ex who she has always kept around as a friend, but is very attached to. I would say that him exisiting prevents the full potential of our intimacy.

 

So fast forward to May 2012, I encouraged her to start hanging out with a new friend of hers who is very career oriented and has that drive to succeed. I thought it would rub off on her a bit and she would improve her situation.

Through this, she met a bunch of other people and they formed a friend group. Sometimes I went along with them, but not to often as I wanted to her to build a network of people so she didn't just live inside her head.

 

Eventually, I was no longer invited to outings with this group, and she used the justification that I was a killjoy, and didn't fit in well. I was very busy with a new managerial job and to be honest this kind of behaviour was the last thing on my mind, I had to stay focused on what I was doing.

 

Anyway, moving on a little further, she booked a trip to Thailand in Nov 2012 (which I paid the majority of) with one of the male guys from the group. She assured me nothing was happening with him, and I trusted her. I had no concrete reason not to. Of course while on the trip, they ended up sleeping together etc etc.

 

Her justification is that "it just happened" and that she was feeling neglected by me, as I had a string of very stressful jobs and had been quite strung out for some time.

 

Obviously I was devastated, couldn't focus at work, and lost my job, which made things worse.

 

In Jan 2013, she told me she wanted an open marriage so she could explore her new relationship with this guy, or divorce. I was quite clear on the matter and said well neither seemed appealing to me and I wanted her to stop seeing the guy and work on our relationship. She didn't like that so I decided we would separate for some time. We did that for a few weeks and she seemed more amenable to resolving the situation, so I told her to come back.

 

Since then the whole relationship has been an absolute roller coaster ride. It is up and down and not much in between.

 

She tells me she is very much emotionally attached to this guy and is finding it impossible to let go. She has broken it off twice with this guy and both times he has threatened to harm himself, behaved violently and written all sorts of songs and left really saddening messages on her voice mail. So each time she has gone back on it. She has even tried to make me feel sorry for the guy (which I don't), because he is such a poor broken wounded soul.

 

This has now been the see-sawing environment since feb 2013. Of course she says all of the problems in our relationship are because of me (which they aren't) and how I handle extreme stress.

 

I'm sort of stuck with what to do. I've identified a few affair types this situation falls into. So in a nutshell it is now "My marriage made me do it, so I fell out of love and just love being in love, now I can't say no".

 

So far when I have backed off completely and just done my thing and worked on myself, I've had the best results. I do want the relationship, I love this woman very dearly, and it is the person I love, not the relationship.

 

I'm assuming the best course of action is to just keep working on myself and ignoring her childish games?

[TaraMaiden]

No.

The best course of action is to divorce her.

Otherwise you'll just be her doormat for ever more, no matter how hard you 'work on yourself'.

 

Alternatively, if you work on yourself, you'll eventually find you are dissatisfied with being a doormat, and you will ultimately grow a pair and divorce her.

 

Either way: Dump her sorry ass.

[2sunny]

And find out why you would still want to be with her when she treats you so poorly. That's not healthy for you to settle for so little.

[sunshine texas]

She went to bed with some other guy and you know it and you still want her she broke the marriage vows. That is unforgettable.

[Zenstudent]

Sorry you are here, it sucks doesn't it. You are doing right by working on yourself as long as it means that you are strenthening yourself, finding your true self and learning to keep your boundaries. Keep on working.

 

Age? Kids?

 

The way I see it, you have two options. Make her realize that her choices have consequences - she hasn't experienced them for real yet, because she was able to continue the cake eating, so file for divorce.

 

Option two. Accept the open relationship and start dating heavily. Waywards often hate when they have to share their partner with others.

 

What ever choice you make; it'll be a sign of strength on your side and may make her wake up. Good luck.

[Artie Lang]

first off, 1 1/2 into the marriage and you've already been cheated-on. WTF?!

 

 

she booked a trip to Thailand in Nov 2012 (which I paid the majority of) with one of the male guys from the group.

 

big mistake on your part for letting her go.

 

 

furthermore, you allowed her to get more attached to this guy by separating and not going through with divorce. separating only gave her the freedom to keep ****ing this guy with your unspoken permission.

 

you can't "nice" her back into this marriage, dude. she's fence-sitting and you need to knock her off.

 

time to play hardball.

[Darren Steez]

OP answer this. How is she working on herself and the marriage if she's sleeping with this guy? What's your response? More importantly how is it fair to you?

 

You enable and stand by while this behavior continues at some point you must have had a moment of clarity where in essence you just gave up.

[Bryanp]

I will make it short and sweet. You would have to be out of your mind to be with her. After a little more than a year in marriage she gets you to pay for a trip to Thailand with her boyfriend and has sex with him and puts your health at risk for STD's. She wants an open marriage. You are nothing but Plan B for her and someone to pay her bills. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. Clearly she has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever as a man or husband. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

 

I would suggest that you seek therapy to understand why you have become such a masochist and doormat. Get tested for STD's, see an attorney and move on. If the roles were reversed she would never put up with such humiliation from you so why are you accepting it from her? Enough is enough!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Another point of concern for me has been an ex who she has always kept around as a friend, but is very attached to. I would say that him exisiting prevents the full potential of our intimacy.

 

This is the root of your problem. It is a problem with YOU. It will plague all of your future relationships if you do not learn from it. Never accept ex-boyfriends in your wife's life, especially if they are having a negative impact on your relationship with your wife.

 

Why are you so willing to tolerate your wife's despicable behavior? Do you have self-esteem issues? Someone who loves you should not be treating you this way. When people stab you in the back, get those people out of your life.

 

You have no kids, you haven't been married that long so it shouldn't cost you too much to get out. Be thankful you found out about her now and move on. There are better women out there for you.

[aliveagain]

Friend, the stats are so against your marriage working when infidelity happens this early in a marriage. There are three of you in this relationship, one of you needs to go. Your separation was a test drive for her and OM to see if they can make it work, your the fall back position. Stop financing her affair, come on man, paying for her to go on a holiday with another man, why the f**k weren't you there? You've been married less than two years and she'd rather go on holidays with OM rather than you, did I get that right? Cut of her finances, talk to a lawyer first thing Monday, go all 180 on her. Do not have sex with her until your both certified STD free. This is not what a marriage looks like, being single is a much better alternative. Stop sharing her, tell her she can date whom ever she wants, just not as your wife. Today you need to stop being her doormat, being nice won't help win her back, she is all in for the marriage or kick her ass out because what you've experienced so far is what your future looks like if you stay with her.

[aliveagain]

If her OM threatens harm to himself, let him, he is not your problem. He is very unstable, get a restraining order against him or this is going to end badly. My ex did the same thing, she threatened suicide if I left her. She did attempt it a month before I moved out, but you can't let them hold you hostage, distance yourself, move on with life. She attempted it two more times after I moved out but again, all you can do is steer them to help, you can't be responsible for them for the rest of your life, your not their parent. Why are you letting OM control your life with his threats? He has no say in your marriage, don't give him the power to manipulate you. She agrees to complete No Contact with OM or let her go, file immediately. You need to give her your boundaries as well as the consequences for breaking them. She needs to get rid of all her new friends that think your a killjoy and any that facilitated her affair, they are not friends of your marriage. She needs to be an open book as well as getting her some serious independent counseling, but even that is a waste of money if she is still in her affair. Draw your line in the sand today.

[BetrayedH]

Having studied infidelity for the last two years and having suffered it myself, I can tell you that your best course of action is to file for divorce.

 

Once you do, she will either show true remorse (which is a technical term in my book) and you can halt the proceedings or she won't (in which case you'll be on your way to the divorce you need).

 

Do not accept unacceptable behavior. I'm going to assume that having a third person in your marriage is unacceptable. Throw down the gauntlet. Sometimes divorce papers accompanied by their suitcase is sufficient to knock them off the fence. This is your last ditch effort to save the marriage; it should have been your first.