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Wife Cheated twice, Quite depressed & Shattered


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Here is my story; I am 30 yrs. old recently got divorced from my wife. It was a love marriage and we were together for 5 years. The problem in the relationship started last year when I went to Australia on an official trip and my wife was back home in Asia. During my absence she started dating my own cousin who was 8 years younger to her and she was physically involved with him. When I returned back to my home country I noticed some changes in her attitude towards me. I started doubting her as I got few clues and eventually she confessed that she slept with my cousin and begged me to forgive her. After lot of consideration I decided not to disclose it to the family and forgave her.

 

After few months, we decided to move to Australia for good. We stayed together for few months and then all of a sudden my wife said she wants to break the marriage and go back to her mom’s place. I found it really weird as we didn’t have any fights or arguments and was shocked. I tried to convince her to give me a genuine reason but in vain. The day when she decided to go back, I somehow grabbed her phone to check if I could get any clue. I got a shock of my life when I went through her dirty messages exchanged with the same cousin. From the messages I realized he was in Australia for few days and he did visit my home when I was outworking. He slept with my wife again and this is why my wife wanted to leave me and be with him.

 

I got so furious, that I booked tickets for both of us and flew on the same day to our home country to meet her parents and to fight my cousin. I disclosed it our family and she was repenting badly for what she did. She apologized, cried like a baby and begged again to keep her back in my life. After discussing with my family, I decided to forgive her for the last time and accepted her back or maybe because I loved her a lot.

 

Now after 1 year, she again all of a sudden told me that she doesn’t love me and wanted to go back to her mom. I really went mad, started breaking things In the house. I was wondering after doing so much for her, accepted her even after she cheated me twice and now she wanted to go back. I was so hurt when she said she doesn’t love me and really acted weird. She didn’t wait a day and flew on the same day without justifying why she did this.

 

I think she gave me a lame excuse and could have left as she might have found some guy to be with but I am not sure. I begged her to share if something is wrong but she didn’t. I begged her to stay with me and cried like a baby but in vain. We have eventually got divorced last week but I am finding it very difficult to move on as I loved her so much and my love for her was beyond imagination.

 

I miss her so much but I don’t think I deserved to be treated this way after doing so much for her. She disrespected me, hurt me as much as she could and left me all alone and lonely. I feel lost and don’t know how to move on and the separation is killing me everyday as I feel I cant live without her but don’t even have a choice. My work is going for a toss as I am not able to concentrate on anything. I miss her but cant disrespect myself anymore.

 

Please advice what do you think about the entire scenario? was it good that we got divorced? I am missing her a lot and don't know how to Move on? Pls help.

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A prequisite for reconciling after infidelity is the wayward's true remorse. You can't reconcile without it. It takes two to make a marriage work and only one to demolish it.

 

You did what you could but it's clear that she was hell-bent on continuing to cheat on you (with a family member, no less).

 

Begin to plan your next life, one that is free of this nonsense. Given time, you'll feel liberated that you don't have to negotiate with someone that isn't a true partner with you. And keep in mind, your wife is not who you thought she was. You were in love with a person that didn't actually exist. Now you know who she is and this real person is not someone who deserves you.

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Advice?

 

Buy her a one way ticket back and change your phone number and delete all your email accounts.

 

You're 30 and still young enough to start fresh in one of the most fun and beautiful places on the planet.

 

She's doing you a favor. But, tell her once she gets on that plane, there's no coming back, EVER!

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Darren Steez
Here is my story; I am 30 yrs. old recently got divorced from my wife. It was a love marriage and we were together for 5 years. The problem in the relationship started last year when I went to Australia on an official trip and my wife was back home in Asia. During my absence she started dating my own cousin who was 8 years younger to her and she was physically involved with him. When I returned back to my home country I noticed some changes in her attitude towards me. I started doubting her as I got few clues and eventually she confessed that she slept with my cousin and begged me to forgive her. After lot of consideration I decided not to disclose it to the family and forgave her.

 

After few months, we decided to move to Australia for good. We stayed together for few months and then all of a sudden my wife said she wants to break the marriage and go back to her mom’s place. I found it really weird as we didn’t have any fights or arguments and was shocked. I tried to convince her to give me a genuine reason but in vain. The day when she decided to go back, I somehow grabbed her phone to check if I could get any clue. I got a shock of my life when I went through her dirty messages exchanged with the same cousin. From the messages I realized he was in Australia for few days and he did visit my home when I was outworking. He slept with my wife again and this is why my wife wanted to leave me and be with him.

 

I got so furious, that I booked tickets for both of us and flew on the same day to our home country to meet her parents and to fight my cousin. I disclosed it our family and she was repenting badly for what she did. She apologized, cried like a baby and begged again to keep her back in my life. After discussing with my family, I decided to forgive her for the last time and accepted her back or maybe because I loved her a lot.

 

Now after 1 year, she again all of a sudden told me that she doesn’t love me and wanted to go back to her mom. I really went mad, started breaking things In the house. I was wondering after doing so much for her, accepted her even after she cheated me twice and now she wanted to go back. I was so hurt when she said she doesn’t love me and really acted weird. She didn’t wait a day and flew on the same day without justifying why she did this.

 

I think she gave me a lame excuse and could have left as she might have found some guy to be with but I am not sure. I begged her to share if something is wrong but she didn’t. I begged her to stay with me and cried like a baby but in vain. We have eventually got divorced last week but I am finding it very difficult to move on as I loved her so much and my love for her was beyond imagination.

 

I miss her so much but I don’t think I deserved to be treated this way after doing so much for her. She disrespected me, hurt me as much as she could and left me all alone and lonely. I feel lost and don’t know how to move on and the separation is killing me everyday as I feel I cant live without her but don’t even have a choice. My work is going for a toss as I am not able to concentrate on anything. I miss her but cant disrespect myself anymore.

Please advice what do you think about the entire scenario? was it good that we got divorced? I am missing her a lot and don't know how to Move on? Pls help.

First off, STOP!

 

Deal with the reality of the situation and man up a little. Your career and livelihood are vital. Whatever puts food on the table or betters you in life you take deadly seriously. You use your head not your heart to work. Keep the two separate and focus!!

 

The second part is very telling, but also the fact the you yourself realize this shows you reached an important step in your recovery. YOU CANT DISRESPECT YOURSELF ANYMORE. That's great but why not take it further. NO ONE CAN DISRESPECT AT ALL.

 

She cheated not once but twice. You're mourning a memory, the memory of love because I'm sure you're not missing the feeling of your heart getting stomped on the ground everytime you found out she was cheating.

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She banged your cousin multiple times, let her go from your thoughts. She was no prize, just someone that took up space in your life. You gave her forgiveness twice, that is twice too many if she never showed remorse. She did nothing to work on herself after her affairs, if nothing was fixed that means she's still broken and she will continue to cheat no matter who is in her life. Friend be thankful you didn't have children with this woman, saves you the additional cost of having to do DNA tests on them, besides you no longer have ties to her cheating ass. You dodged a bullet, she's now another man's dirt let her be another man's problem. I hope you listed "Adultery" as the reason for your divorce, other men need to be warned about her.

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I dont agree with those who say you were too quick to forgive. Forgiveness is good, there is nothing wrong with that. You loved her so you forgave, in fact you imprison yourself when you don't, however you have done it well enough. Its time to love yourself a little more. You cant love someone and hate yourself, its torture. I am going through the same thing now and my conclusion is how long do i have to live this "pathetic life". Its almost like you are begging to be loved.

 

Love yourself a little more. See yourself being with someone who would do all the nice things you deserve. Its ironic that I am telling you this because I am only a week into separation but I have come to the conclusion that people will treat you in a certain way only if you allow them.

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Friends, thank you so much for all your comments.

 

I am writing this with lot of tears in my eyes, I am so hurt that I cant express my situation. I feel so lost and lonely with no where to go. While she was leaving I begged her to stay with me. I told her that I don't have friends and my friend, wife, partner is all you and I am so dependent on you that I cant live without your presence. But unfortunately she did listen to me and didn't have a single tear in her eyes while leaving. I cant imagine what made her so strong and took such a decision. we didn't have any fight or argument and all of a sudden she gave me a shock of my life. I asked her several times if there is a problem we can discuss but she chose to be quite and just wanted to leave desperately.

 

I cant get over her, I still keep visiting places alone and imagine the time I spent with her at those places. I loved her a lot , still miss her but never deserved to be treated this way.

 

What do you people think? What made her leave me? How could she not have a heart and forgot all the times we spent together? Do you think she is dating someone again? Can woman be so cruel and leave her husband without any proper justification?

 

The worst thing is that its been 3 weeks since we parted ways but she never bothered to call or message. It is killing me so much and I am dying every second. When I come home I open her cupboard and smell her clothes and cry for her, I am going mad without her.

 

Friends, the more response I get, the better I would feel so please keep posting.

 

Regards,

ZAK

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Read No More Mr Nice Guy as well as Married Man Sex Life Primer. It explains both why she lost respect for you (and found cheating more appealing) and why you can't get over her. You gave her all the power. And no consequences.

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The reason why she didn't shed one tear when she left is because she already made up her mind to leave. Therefore, she already mourned the loss of the marriage while she was still with you.

 

Is there someone else? If I had to guess, my gut is telling me there probably is. She wouldn't make such a drastic move without having something in place. Something set up and that she can go to.

 

You need to start working on you. You state that there's no one there for you. Well, change that! Get a hobby. Something you're really interested in and get involved. When you find that hobby, I'm pretty sure that there's a club in your area with other people that are interested in the SAME hobby. Join them! Meet them! Put yourself out there!

 

For instance, you're in Austraila! Are you kidding me! It's like one of the most extreme sports capital of the world! Have you ever thought about diving? The Great Barrier Reef is there! GO SEE IT!! Diving Clubs make trips out there all the time! Party it up with them!

 

You need to start making positive changes in your life, dude.

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Urgh I feel really sad reading your post. I dont think I know how it feels, but trust me on this, you have to believe it will get worse before it gets better. Your ex wife is completely useless, you deserve someone way better. Do you yourself believe in this? I hope yoi start healing soon, avoid all sort of contact with her and no more showing her that you need her. She does not deserve it. Get busy and start doing things you like. Hugs x

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I dont agree with those who say you were too quick to forgive. Forgiveness is good, there is nothing wrong with that. You loved her so you forgave, in fact you imprison yourself when you don't, however you have done it well enough.

 

I can't let this go by unchallenged. He never truly forgave her as forgiveness is not possible unless the betrayer (his wife) earns that forgiveness. Crying and begging is not earning forgiveness. Having zero contact with her cheating partner, being truly sorry and willing to do anything to make it up is a good start for earning forgiveness but even then it takes consistent action over a period of time before the betrayed can even start to forgive. The cheap forgiveness he offered her meant nothing. It was his attempt to get his life back to "normal" and hope that time would heal this wound. This never works for long, life just doesn't work that way.

 

OP: move forward with your life. Start playing with other girls and enjoy being single for a while. I also urge you to get into counseling to help you learn to accept her cheating for what it was - disgusting, selfish, careless behavior. Nothing to do with who you are.

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I can't let this go by unchallenged. He never truly forgave her as forgiveness is not possible unless the betrayer (his wife) earns that forgiveness. Crying and begging is not earning forgiveness. Having zero contact with her cheating partner, being truly sorry and willing to do anything to make it up is a good start for earning forgiveness but even then it takes consistent action over a period of time before the betrayed can even start to forgive. The cheap forgiveness he offered her meant nothing. It was his attempt to get his life back to "normal" and hope that time would heal this wound. This never works for long, life just doesn't work that way.

 

OP: move forward with your life. Start playing with other girls and enjoy being single for a while. I also urge you to get into counseling to help you learn to accept her cheating for what it was - disgusting, selfish, careless behavior. Nothing to do with who you are.

 

Forgiveness is not supposed to be earned otherwise it wouldn't be forgiveness. No one earns forgiveness. Thats the problem with the world today. Even a repentant heart does not mean the offense wont be repeated so when you forgive you forgive to release yourself from the pain and the bitterness you carry around. Its emotional torture and a useless load to carry. I am going through the same thing now and I cant tell you how much its working for me. I am moving on, loving myself but not looking back but i am on the path of forgiveness, its the only way i can enjoy my next marriage.

 

Just dont blame yourself that you forgave. You did, yes but now you realize that it doesnt really matter. She made up her mind. Its hard I understand but love yourself a little more. Best of luck.

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Thank you all for the wonderful comments.

 

Well I had to forgive last time because I never wanted to carry extra baggage on my head and wanted my life to be normal thinking the would will heal someday.

 

I am so disturbed, heart broken, hurt that I have lost trust on love. I always loved my wife and this is what she did to me after 1 year from the time I forgave her.

 

I just had a word with one of her closest friend who knew her way before I came into her life. She told me certain things about her that surprised me totally. She said you wife before marriage had few serious affairs and unfortunately all failed relationships because she couldn't be loyal to any of her ex. She was supposed to get married to her ex but he refused to after she got caught with another guy.

 

Her friend told me that she is probably suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and the symptoms is more like the same for eg -

 

1. Unstable Relationships

2. Suicidal Attempts

3. Impulsive and reckless behavior

 

I have noticed all the above during our marriage. when I had caught her she almost tried to kill herself because I wasn't willing to forgive her initially but then I did.

 

I am more confused now, because if she is suffering from BPD then she can never be loyal to anyone on earth. But that's just a possibility or may be that's her character. I am just thinking a lot and totally lost.

 

I also came to know that the guy she was supposed to get married to way back has also got divorced and is currently working here in Australia.

 

So I have a strong feeling that she might have got in touch with him and they must have planned it and this burger must have asked my wife to leave me and be with him.

 

Any thing is possible otherwise a married woman wouldn't just leave her husband just by saying she doesn't love me. There has to be a reason behind this or may be her ex.

 

I always keep wondering, If she had to do this to me then WHY did she beg me to take her back in my life last year.

 

Please pass your views on the same as I am just going no where.

 

Thanks.

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Most cheaters don't want to give up their spouse; thus, cheating. She wanted to eat cake, but you made it too difficult to do that, so she discarded you, to go find another patsy.

 

If she has BPD, consider yourself LUCKY to be away from her. Now you can go out and find a healthy, loving woman who will turn your life upside down - in a good way. (but not right now; take the time to grieve and think about YOUR issues and work on them)

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Forgiveness is not supposed to be earned otherwise it wouldn't be forgiveness. No one earns forgiveness. Thats the problem with the world today. Even a repentant heart does not mean the offense wont be repeated so when you forgive you forgive to release yourself from the pain and the bitterness you carry around. Its emotional torture and a useless load to carry. I am going through the same thing now and I cant tell you how much its working for me. I am moving on, loving myself but not looking back but i am on the path of forgiveness, its the only way i can enjoy my next marriage.

 

Just dont blame yourself that you forgave. You did, yes but now you realize that it doesnt really matter. She made up her mind. Its hard I understand but love yourself a little more. Best of luck.

 

There can be no forgiveness without the reparations of the betrayer. Not everyone is able to forgive a cheater, but they may be able to find peace through acceptance. Read the book "How Can I Forgive You" and see if it at least makes you reconsider your definition of "forgiveness".

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Forgiveness is not supposed to be earned otherwise it wouldn't be forgiveness. No one earns forgiveness. Thats the problem with the world today. Even a repentant heart does not mean the offense wont be repeated so when you forgive you forgive to release yourself from the pain and the bitterness you carry around. Its emotional torture and a useless load to carry. I am going through the same thing now and I cant tell you how much its working for me. I am moving on, loving myself but not looking back but i am on the path of forgiveness, its the only way i can enjoy my next marriage.

 

Just dont blame yourself that you forgave. You did, yes but now you realize that it doesnt really matter. She made up her mind. Its hard I understand but love yourself a little more. Best of luck.

 

This is wonderful in theory (I made the same argument about forgiving my wayward wife) but can have pretty severe consequences in practice. Unfortunately, the desire to wipe the slate clean without reparations ultimately does you a disservice. And you are doing the disservice to yourself by accepting less than you are worth. It's indicative of an already existing low sense of self-worth and such "cheap forgiveness" further debases it. Sadly, it usually comes out of desperation to save the marriage/family and it further devalues the person doing the forgiving (under the guise of a noble cause). It may be noble but it certainly isn't healthy. Ultimately, it's a form of denial and bargaining (some of the earlier of the stages of grief). Acceptance is the last stage and it's elusive. I eventually came to accept my wife's infidelity but I don't forgive her because she simply doesn't deserve it; she never felt true remorse for what she had done and never made the real efforts that would have been worthy of forgiveness. And coming from the person that was betrayed, she's not getting it for free. I am in a better place now because I respect myself.

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Well I really don't know how to react in such situation. I am dying within day by day. I was going through our wedding video and I just couldn't control myself and crashed, cried like an infant.

 

The most important thing which is bothering me at the moment is -

 

1.Is she actually suffering from BDP? Because the symptoms are relating to her behavior.

2 Do Borderline Women purposely manipulate or is it because of their illness they become helpless?

3. Its very important for me to understand under what circumstances does a woman suffer from BDP? is it curable?

4. Is Borderline Women dangerous? How could they not be stable in any relationship? Y do they create stories and portray themselves as victims always?

5. Very important to know whether they play with their partner's life and destroy them purposely because of their selfish nature or is this suffering real and helpless?

 

I am thinking to go back to the home country and try to get her back because I am just not able to live without her. However, somewhere I know she will never come back with me as she is quite adamant or maybe she is in a new relationship. But I might want to give it a try just for my mental satisfaction.

 

I am going insane and seems I would probably never be able to move on.

 

Please advise as this will influence me to take a step further.

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Hi Zak1, I have followed your story from the outset and I have a few questions. Firstly, where do you belong to? It seems to me you are from a South Asian or East Asian country. Secondly what religion do you belong to or practice? I ask these questions because your cultural background and your religious affiliations will have a big bearing on how you can deal with something like this. You see South Asian or East Asian countries are still very conservative as far as marriages are concerned. This fact gets more complicated if you happen to be a practicing Hindu or Muslim. While I feel very sorry for you I can tell you that you are very lucky to have escaped so lightly. Your wife has abandoned you and in the process has foregone any right to marital benefits which would have accrued to her if you were the one doing the abandoning. You will not have to share your marital assets with her or pay her alimony. You have obtained a very quick divorce which leads me to believe that you are Muslim. If that is the case then it would be infra dig in your community for you to go back to your country to try to convince her to get back with you or to reconcile with her. Quite frankly you would be considered a wimp in your social circle and people would openly ridicule you. If that is the scenario you face then why would you do something so foolish? As far as your ex wife is concerned it is quite apparent that she has no feelings for you and has probably already hooked up with some one else. All you are trying to do is clutch at straws in the wind. How does it matter whether she has BPD or any other psychiatric condition? You are free from her and she is no more your concern.

 

I would say get a life and just forget her. She is just so NOT worth it. From now on do NOT waste even a moment of your precious time thinking about her or pining for her. I can tell you She is NOT doing so and may even be laughing at you as to how she made a FOOL of you. If you go back to her to try to win her over SHE WILL laugh in your face and insult your manhood. Ask your parents or siblings what she is doing and they will give you the truth. My advice is to get her out of your mind, may be go for some IC and get on with living your life in a proactive manner. Warm Wishes!

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I think you are spot on mate! I am a Muslim and an Indian. I have settled in Australia. Yes divorce has verbally happened and we are just waiting for the legal work to get completed which will happen within few weeks.

 

The reason I am concerned about BPD is because I really need to know if people who suffer from it manipulate purposely or its an illness which cannot be treated? Its a matter of feeling pity for her our abusive her thinking she was a pathetic, selfish bitch.

 

Just to update, My Mom had just called her because she couldn't see me suffering, she insulted my mom asking y are you calling? My decision is final and I don't want to come back ever and hung up. My mom felt so insulted and was In tears. All she wanted to know the reason 'WHY' she left me without any reason after me treating her to the best of my abilities. I always placed her needs before me.

 

She couldn't answer 'WHY' all she said is that she doesn't love me and used to feel suffocated in the relationship.

 

She portrayed herself as a victim in front of her peers. She said I used to hit her, never trust her etc. It was so surprising because I have never raised my hand on her.

 

I am still shocked by her behavior and trust me I will be quite relieved if I get to know the real reason to why she left me? I probably have a feeling that she must have started dating her ex but still need to be confirmed.

 

Kindly advise.

 

Thanks,

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Another terrible story I get to read. I feel for you but on other hand I am happy you escaped from danger. Seriously mate get to know what she is upto through your people esp from her friends ( you said u spoke to her friend) who can most likely willing to support.

 

Regarding the greiving, you will successfully go through it after crossing few stages. I don't know I'm rite in giving this advice but expose your cousin, he is a punk and damnn abandon him from your social circle. Think twice before yodesiring to get ur soon to be ex. If so, all ur life you cannot be a husband but a detective.

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Hi Zak1, So I guess I was right on most counts. I feel so sorry for your mother for having been insulted by your ex wife. I cannot imagine some one so churlish as to insult a person who is her senior in age and was her mother-in-law till very recently. One thing you must ensure and that is to disabuse the minds of all those within your circle of relatives, friends and acquaintances as to the circumstances in which she left you and how you had twice forgiven her indiscretions. A person who lies blatantly like her is likely to get caught out sooner or later and I pity the guy who would settle for her after what she has done to you. She will probably treat him in the same way a few years down the line.

 

Having said this I think by now you realize that she is just NOT worth wasting even a second more of your time on. BPD, if she has it, is a mood swing disorder where one is in a manic state of mind(very exuberant and full of good cheer and confidence) which is then followed by a depressed state of mind. In some cases of BPD, people(usually women) become sexually promiscuous for short periods of time and will go out and have sex with any one and every one till that phase passes and they are worn out. As I said it lasts only a very short time but is very intense. However NOT all people affected by BPD display this characteristic. In the depressed state they are a torture to live with. If your wife displayed such symptoms then she was probably afflicted by the disorder. However modern medicine has potent drugs to help people to overcome these phases in their everyday life.

 

As I have said please take care of your self and do not waste any more time on your ex wife. She should now just be a bad dream or rather a nightmare for you, from which you awake and find your self in the real world. I wish you well. Cheers!

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BPD people pretty much can't control themselves because they are constantly acting/reacting due to the illness. That said, they do what they do...to get what they want. If they suddenly decide seeing their brother fall down a flight of stairs would make them feel more loved by their parents, well...you get the idea.

 

I don't know a single person with BPD who has ever gotten better.

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Borderline Personality Disorder is a personality disorder and about the only thing someone with it can do is to commit to some sort of behavior therapy and stay with it. Unfortunately people with Borderline or any other type of personality disorder rarely see that they have the problem.

 

Bipolar Disorder (which used to be called manic Depressive Illness) is a biological/physicological disorder that can be controlled and treated with medication and therapy. In many ways it is like having type I diabetes. The person with the illness must commit to being consistent with medication and lifestyle changes and must stay in regular contact with their doctor.

 

They are two completely separate illnesses.

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One of my friends is bipolar. She was under control for a long time. Managed a big grocery store. Then she changed jobs, to manage a Target store. The stress and uncertainty took her over the edge, and she went on a 3-month low. Lost the job; luckily, they let her keep working there, once she managed to come out of it, just not managing a store. The worst part is the effect on the kids.

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