Is it time to let go?

[1FootOut]

I have been married to a military man for 12 years. I recently found out that while on a deployment that he cheated with more than one woman. He did not confess this to me. I found out after reading a series of emails between him and one of the women. The messages reveal that my husband initiated the contact with this women and that he pursued her. She was aware that he was married. They referred to each other with words like "baby" and "sweetie" and my husband also nicknamed her the "champ" And told her that he was soo happy. They had sex within two weeks of meeting and then the other woman began expressing her "love" for him. This went on for at least 1-2 months judging by the email trail. This woman mentioned to my husband that she was also "seeing" other people as well, but that he was who she really wanted. She said that she wanted him to divorce me to be with her. Again, this is after only knowing him for less than a month. Long story short, the girl left the deployed location, but continued to Skype with my husband for the duration of his deployment. They shared sexual photos and were still in communication until at least a week before my husband returned home. I found out, and since then our lives have been in shambles. I feel like a fool for supporting and loving my husband while he was betraying me behind my back. I wrote the girl and told her to never contact him again. My husband played the "please baby please" card and I said we would work on us. At first we were in a lovey dovey phase, then I snapped out of that. Everything suddenly became so real and ugly for me. I withdrew from him, and the sight of him disgusts me. We went to counseling once together, but then I continued to go on my own when he refused. I have grown within myself, but my growth has shown me how much I don't trust or no longer respect him. He is NOT trying in reality, and as early as 3 weeks ago was communicating with an "old friend" who I DON'T know and the woman wanted him meet up with her as she was traveling near our city. When confronted, he was upset with me for spying on him saying he never would have gone, but doesn't know why he entertained the conversation. He also erases the computer history when he gets off.

We have two kids together and our arguments and cold behavior have started to affect them. He is currently the provider for the family, but does not give anything else to the home, such as spending time with the kids and simply being a husband. I cook, clean, shop, care for the kids, fix things, mow lawns etc. I feel like I need to leave this "marriage" in order to keep my sanity and protect the children from the toxic situation that is going on in our home. I feel that his actions are speaking louder than his words. He keeps promising to do better, but does not. He is not doing his part in the reconciliation, and seems annoyed with my efforts. I have read books, went to counseling, tried to talk to him, but he wants to not have to deal with it. It has been 7 months since I found out, and though i no longer bring up the affair(s), I also have not forgiven him. We have not had sex in 2 months- I felt I had to continue sex with him after d-day to try to "reclaim" him- and now I feel neglected still and he won't meet me halfway. He won't talk to me on an intimate level, which makes me feel like he doesn't want to share his life with me. Why should I have to beg my husband to be my husband? Why is he not bending over backwards to win back my heart?

He also has had a porn addiction for a few years where he would purposely nap in the daytime so he could spend his nights with porn.

Our "anniversary" date was a few days ago. I chose not to celebrate, because the date no longer has any significance to me. My husband was upset about my decision. If he didn't respect the marriage enough not to cheat, then why expect me to want to share this day? In my opinion, we did not make it to 12 years of being married and committed, so what are we celebrating?

He now says he is upset about my reaction to the affair(s) saying that even though he cheated and had other inappropriate relationships, that he has a "right" to be upset that I'm mad about it. That sounds insane to me. He says we just need to either move forward and pretend nothing happened and if I can't get over it, then to do myself a favor by leaving because he won't join in on the pain that I am going through because these women meant nothing to him and he's over it.

My question is: Should I continue to give this man a chance, or am I making things worse by staying? Am I wrong in my feelings?

 

Sorry it's so long.

[whichwayisup]

d. I have grown within myself, but my growth has shown me how much I don't trust or no longer respect him. He is NOT trying in reality, and as early as 3 weeks ago was communicating with an "old friend" who I DON'T know and the woman wanted him meet up with her as she was traveling near our city. When confronted, he was upset with me for spying on him saying he never would have gone, but doesn't know why he entertained the conversation. He also erases the computer history when he gets off.

 

This pretty much sums it up. He's far from remorseful, he just told you what you wanted to hear and put on those crocodile tears to make sure you didn't kick him out and divorce him. I say, f.uck it! THROW HIM out and make him suffer the consquences of cheating on you! You don't have to divorce him right away, take your time to figure out what you want ... Though HE doesn't have to know that, let him think you're going to serve him with papers. See, people never change unless they are forced or until they hit their rock bottom. As far as I can see it, your husband is blaming you for invading his personal space and the idiot doesn't see that HE was the one who created this whole mess and made you not trust him! Part of HIS consquence of having an A, he has to be an open book and allow you access to email, with passwords, cell phone etc..etc..

 

Another thought, not all can forgive an affair, let alone want to give their spouse another chance. It takes two to make a marriage get better after infidelity and your husband has put NO effort into fixing things, let alone fixing himself. You don't have to stick it out with him if you don't want to! He certainly didn't give you any thought while cheating while deployed, and he didn't give you a second thought while contacting other women online and trying to hook up with them again once he was home. He is the one who messed up big time, not you, so do not blame yourself at all!

 

sorry that he did this to you. you deserve so much better!

[Eggplant]

Why should I have to beg my husband to be my husband? Why is he not bending over backwards to win back my heart?

Cold truth: he doesn't want your heart. Leaving him is not a loss in any way. It's only a step up.

[1FootOut]

I just keep hoping that he will have that "aha!" moment and realize the effect of what he has done. He tells me that in so many words that the cheating was no big deal. Will he ever understand?

[findingnemo]

No, you certainly don't have to beg for your H. It should be the other way round in your situation.

 

What does he mean by "you leave"? As in you and the kids should move out and leave him in the house?

[1FootOut]

Yes, and since he's such a gentleman he will make sure to help with the transition in any way he can.

He gets sarcastic when speaking of child support and alimony, like "woe is me, I will have nothing" to make me feel bad, although, I have sacrificed and supported him in a military lifestyle for 12 years and moved 5 times in the last 8 years.

He says I'm the one with the problem, and basically my attitude needs to change because he's tired seeing disappointment on my face and watching me have my bouts of sadness, and hates having to deal with being the cause of it.

[1FootOut]

He doesn't get why I'm still dealing with the trust issues and says he has no idea what I'm mad about because he's not cheating RIGHT NOW. He keeps giving me reasons to question him, but then is upset that I don't trust him. Am I having false hope for this man? I feel like since he knows that I am such a loving person, that he figured that I would just be passive about it, but this just plain hurts.

I am not afraid to leave, I just want to know that I did all I could to try to make it work. I don't want to take my kids through something unnecessarily.

[waterwoman]

What? The man is crazy! I am furious on your behalf. It sounds to me as if there is nothing much left to save:(

[TaraMaiden]

1FootOut.....?

 

Time to bring the other foot out too.

[whichwayisup]

He doesn't get why I'm still dealing with the trust issues and says he has no idea what I'm mad about because he's not cheating RIGHT NOW. He keeps giving me reasons to question him, but then is upset that I don't trust him. Am I having false hope for this man? I feel like since he knows that I am such a loving person, that he figured that I would just be passive about it, but this just plain hurts.

I am not afraid to leave, I just want to know that I did all I could to try to make it work. I don't want to take my kids through something unnecessarily.

 

You've done all you can. He hasn't and that's all on him.

 

Divorce him. Sorry if this stings, but your husband is acting like a total ahole douche-bag!

 

HE has done this to your kids, not you. He is so messed up and is full of justifications and isn't owning any of his decisions. Immature jerk is what he is.

 

Talk to a lawyer.

[findingnemo]

Yes, and since he's such a gentleman he will make sure to help with the transition in any way he can.

He gets sarcastic when speaking of child support and alimony, like "woe is me, I will have nothing" to make me feel bad, although, I have sacrificed and supported him in a military lifestyle for 12 years and moved 5 times in the last 8 years.

He says I'm the one with the problem, and basically my attitude needs to change because he's tired seeing disappointment on my face and watching me have my bouts of sadness, and hates having to deal with being the cause of it.

 

That's some really negative attitude on his part. You don't have to live with this and shouldn't. Was he always like this, ie. defensive to the point of insulting you? Or is it a new thing? I'm wondering if it may be related to any traumatic experiences while on duty.

[1FootOut]

He actually has NOT always been this way. His whole double life thing has me confused as to who I am really married to. In reading his messages with others while he was gone, he was like a whole different person.

He even had a trail of over 300 emails with a woman yet his emails and letters to his own kids were less than 10 over a six month period. I must also note that these women were at least 8-10 years younger than him.

 

I think the anger is just him really being mad that he can't have his cake and eat it too. His relationship wasn't ended by him of his own accord. I ended them, by sending out very specific messages to the women he was having inappropriate relationships with giving them my 2cents as well as telling them to cease all contact. I think that he is mad that he couldn't end it his way and that since life at home isn't so peachy right now, I think he misses the "excitement" that he had with the other women.

I know of two sexual encounters while he was deployed, but he was also using Skype to chat with other women as well.

 

He was not deployed to a combat zone, so I doubt his new attitude is based on those experiences. I think that a lot of people have misconceptions about deployments. Not all deployed members are having a rough time. He was able to leave the base he was at to go to the mall, and concerts in the local area.

 

While in counseling, which I had my last session last week- after three months-she basically told me that unless I can just forgive him and accept the man he is presenting to me today, then I will always feel disappointed and unfulfilled.

I did grow within myself a lot through counseling, but I went to 80% of the sessions solo. He said that he was fine, and that he didn't need any help.

Then I felt defeated with her final advice. Like he doesn't have to work at all, that I just need to accept him for what he is willing to do.

She sent a lot of my progress to the dump, so now I feel stuck and exhausted.

[TaraMaiden]

That's a dreadful way of putting it and I definitely can see why on earth you must feel so deflated..

 

I think what she meant though, may have been something like this:

 

You have a choice before you:

 

If you stay, it should definitely be because you want to stay.

Think about what may exist that would make you want to stay.

 

And if you were to decide to stay, it would certainly give the impression that you accept the way it is.

And in a way, if you chose to remain with him, then to a certain extent - if that were to be your choice, then you would be obliged to stay with him, warts and all, because nobody is holding a gun to your head, and forcing you to stay.

 

So choosing to stay, would be in spite of his faults....because in a way, you'd be giving tacit approval to who he is: and so, you would not be entitled to stay with him - AND make demands upon what appears to be something he refuses to change...

 

But if you were to leave, you would be fully entitled to voice your disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration and indignation - and nobody would ever blame you for leaving;

I'm sure there is a network of assistance for you within the military clockwork....

And he would have to face his actions and responsibilities, in front of his colleagues and their wives, and his family.

 

You may be exhausted - but trust me, you are NOT stuck.

Down, yes maybe.

Out?

 

Not a chance.

 

You have what it takes to extricate yourself from his hotbed of complete schytt - and you should - and you would be absolutely right to.

 

Don't let one stupid thoughtless throw-away comment deflate you.

 

You know what you have to do.

 

You're a mother.

Us bitches are a damn sight stronger than we look.

Weaker sex??

 

Humph!!

 

When it comes to keeping our kids safe, we're phukking tigresses....

 

Rise above it - and shoulder to the boulder honey.

:Let's get this thing moving.

[RickFox]

Speaking as a cheater, I will say to you

 

OH HELL to the NO!!

 

Boot his sorry unremorseful arrogant immature cake eating A** out that damn door!!

 

You want him to have that "aha" moment but he won't, not until you are gone gone gone and even then, it may not come. And if you go, and he realizes what he screwed up then he must truly work for it... actions and words dear woman, and the actions don't match the words at all.

[Act Two]

While in counseling, which I had my last session last week- after three months-she basically told me that unless I can just forgive him and accept the man he is presenting to me today, then I will always feel disappointed and unfulfilled.

I did grow within myself a lot through counseling, but I went to 80% of the sessions solo. He said that he was fine, and that he didn't need any help.

Then I felt defeated with her final advice. Like he doesn't have to work at all, that I just need to accept him for what he is willing to do.

She sent a lot of my progress to the dump, so now I feel stuck and exhausted.

 

There is something to be said for forgiveness; in the end it will benefit you most of all if you are able to forgive and not hold onto bitterness. Having said that, I don't think forgiveness is the same thing as reconciliation. From what you've posted, your husband is showing no signs of remorse. Maybe he could read the sticky thread at the top of this forum as to what a remorseful wayward should do. Forgiveness does not mean reconciling a relationship or restoring it to how it should be or once was.

 

I'm not sure how you can accept his lack of remorse in order to reconcile with him; that's on him. You are never stuck.

[2sunny]

Put his bag at the curb - after changing the locks!

 

He's had no consequences - you have ALLOWED him to think you'll put up with his bad behavior by not making him leave.

 

He wants women - he should be divorced!

 

You deserve better - require decency!

[1FootOut]

How do I know that his current state after all these years isn't just a phase?

Am I wrong to think that maybe he is having some sort of life crisis?

I don't know why I'm still holding on. I feel like this just can't be it--after 12 years I have to start over?

I don't want to be the one who left when things got rough.

[TaraMaiden]

How do I know that his current state after all these years isn't just a phase?

It doesn't matter whether it's a phase or not.

If someone kills somebody after a lifetime of placid existence, no Judge is going to think it's 'just a phase'....! He has murdered your marriage in cold blood, callously, unfeelingly and ruthlessly.

He only needed to do it once - but no.

It's not just a one-off thing.... is it?

 

Am I wrong to think that maybe he is having some sort of life crisis?

No.

But it's not your problem. It's his.

And there's nothing written anywhere, that says you are either responsible for it, or have to deal with it.

 

I don't know why I'm still holding on. I feel like this just can't be it--after 12 years I have to start over?

I started over, after 26 years. And I'm re-married.

And I had kids.

This isn't the end of the world, dearest.

Your children are what's important now.

Do not expose them to his toxic attitude. They should learn that this isn't a marriage, and such behaviour is not only unacceptable, but that it also doesn't need to be tolerated.

 

I don't want to be the one who left when things got rough.

You didn't.

He abandoned this marriage the first time he ever said the first hello to someone else.

And things weren't rough.

He created this issue.

You need to end this.

Honestly hun.

Get support, and get out of there.

[Confused48]

It doesn't matter whether it's a phase or not.

If someone kills somebody after a lifetime of placid existence, no Judge is going to think it's 'just a phase'....! He has murdered your marriage in cold blood, callously, unfeelingly and ruthlessly.

He only needed to do it once - but no.

It's not just a one-off thing.... is it?

 

 

No.

But it's not your problem. It's his.

And there's nothing written anywhere, that says you are either responsible for it, or have to deal with it.

 

 

I started over, after 26 years. And I'm re-married.

And I had kids.

This isn't the end of the world, dearest.

Your children are what's important now.

Do not expose them to his toxic attitude. They should learn that this isn't a marriage, and such behaviour is not only unacceptable, but that it also doesn't need to be tolerated.

 

 

You didn't.

He abandoned this marriage the first time he ever said the first hello to someone else.

And things weren't rough.

He created this issue.

You need to end this.

Honestly hun.

Get support, and get out of there.

 

 

Wow TM. Wow. Great advice and point of view. And your history is impressive as well.

[Act Two]

How do I know that his current state after all these years isn't just a phase?

Am I wrong to think that maybe he is having some sort of life crisis?

I don't know why I'm still holding on. I feel like this just can't be it--after 12 years I have to start over?

I don't want to be the one who left when things got rough.

 

I agree with Tara- he broke the vows, not you.

[1FootOut]

It's good for me to receive all this insight and advice, it's just so hard to take it in. I feel like if I were reading this in a book or watching a movie I would be yelling and telling the woman to leave, I don't know why I can't scream the same to myself.

 

To those who have left a cheating spouse:

How do you just leave?

I have two kids, I'm really not concerned with not having money, because he will still be required to support us, and if he tries to get out of that his military command will make him allot money directly from his pay.

My concern is the actual move/change of lifestyle and schedules etc. and the emotional toll, what family & friends will say...the kids losing their sense of being safe and secure, basically shaking up their lives.

[2sure]

People divorce every day. Children manage well. You are their security , stability, and safe place. Maybe their dad is too and they have two places to land. Life changes, people adapt, it's OK.

 

Hear this: your husband cheated with two women that you know of. After discovery and promises , he still continued contact with a woman you don't know behind your back. He is a serial cheater. It isn't a phase. He has become comfortable breaking the boundaries of your marriage and not telling you. He is his new priority.

 

I don't think it's hopeless , but he has to have real and tangible consequences.

You need to leave him. And he has to know that unless he does the real and heavy lifting of repairing himself And the relationship...you aren't coming back.

Maybe he has it in him, maybe he wants to try, maybe he can't.

 

One way or the other, big change doesnt happen without big change.

[TaraMaiden]

It's good for me to receive all this insight and advice, it's just so hard to take it in. I feel like if I were reading this in a book or watching a movie I would be yelling and telling the woman to leave, I don't know why I can't scream the same to myself.

 

To those who have left a cheating spouse:

How do you just leave?

I have two kids, I'm really not concerned with not having money, because he will still be required to support us, and if he tries to get out of that his military command will make him allot money directly from his pay.

 

Permit me to say something to you which I have shared with other members:

 

What's happening here, is that the Emotional Heart, is getting in the way of the Practical Head.

 

You must never, absolutely cannot ever, permit Emotion to cloud Practical judgement.

The emotional entanglement you and he are extricating yourselves from, is one thing.

 

The Practicality of a divorce, and legal separation - is quite another.

 

Hard as it may be to understand - the two should never meet, and you cannot allow heart to rule head.

 

How you feel about this on an emotional level, may be of supreme importance - but equally important - in fact, far more so - is the logical, practical and rational decisions you have to make, with regard to a legal separation and divorce.

 

Do not permit how you FEEL about him, and indeed, the whole situation - to interfere with what you must Practically do.

 

My concern is the actual move/change of lifestyle and schedules etc. and the emotional toll, what family & friends will say...the kids losing their sense of being safe and secure, basically shaking up their lives.

What friends and family will say, may surprise you.

I suspect, armed with all the facts, they will react with shock and horror - but be entirely behind you.

However, what I would urge, is that you explain the circumstances to them with as little 'emotional' show as possible.

That is to say, of course you might cry and become emotional during the telling; but don't embellish or over-blow it.

People will respect you for the calm and factual way in which you reveal everything to them.

 

Yes, the children's lives will be shaken; but I guarantee they will be less traumatised and emotionally affected by your sensible and correct handling of the situation, than if you were to oblige them to remain in an environment that is toxic, damaged, stressed, charged and dysfunctional....

 

It is far better to 'put them through' a separation - with a fully supportive network of friends, relatives and superiors behind you - than to subject them to staying with their father, and witnessing the tragedy of your shattered relationship.

[1FootOut]

LOL. This guy is SUCH a douche. What's he think, he's Mr. Golden D*ck? Tell him to get the hell over himself.

 

 

Stop using your kids as an excuse because you're too afraid to make a move. How many MORE times does he have to disrespect you before you finally get up the courage to leave?

 

I find it silly that you want to know that you've "done all you can" to save the marriage when this pitiful excuse for a so-called 'man' has done NOTHING WHATSOEVER towards making an effort. What do you have to do in order to justify getting the hell out of there - be a doormat 2 more times before it's ok to leave? 3 more times? 5 more times?

 

Sometimes you just need to fold your cards and leave the table.

 

Why is it silly to still want to know that I have done my part?

[FreeSpiritLady]

As a fellow military wife, I can totally relate with the whole moving a billion times, putting life dreams and goals on the backburner, etc. This guy doesn't respect you. He doesn't seem to care one way or the other about your marriage, but more about the control of having you and "not being the one to blame." I am sorry. If you need an ear, I'm here.