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Can former affair partners become friends only?


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New to this site but wondering if anyone out there has experienced having an intense emotional AND physical affair and then becoming friends? Here's the quick summary. Both of us married, 20+years. Affair has lasted almost 2 years and was both intense on physical and emotional level. His spouse recently found out 'bout affair and he is now "committed" to not having sex with me, but still calls a few times a week and we talk about pretty much everything. It's a weird situation. Personally, I'm frustrated. Missing him so much. Is it best just to call it all off?

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underwater2010

No they cannot....you crossed the line a long time ago and now you can never go back. It shows in the fact that you cannot talk with him without feeling the extra emotions.

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IMO, it depends on the psychology of the individuals, as well as the flavor of the affair. I would discount any attempts at sincere friendship while either party is still married or LTR with their current partner. However, once free, if the affair has run its course and the participants see value in friendship over romance, certainly possible. Given your description of the affair, I'd consider friendship to be in the distant future, if at all, and certainly not while either of you is with your current partner, as friends are considered and expected to be supporters of each other's relationships and that's tough/impossible to do in an affair situation.

 

I had the opportunity to do this (transition a prior romantic attachment to friendship) and it worked for me but not so much for the lady. In retrospect, I think the tension going away killed something for her and a more platonic-focused interaction wasn't stimulating enough. We did have some good times together prior to that point though, allowing me some closure for a very long ( a couple of decades) emotional attachment. So I guess it worked out OK.

 

Welcome to LS :)

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BeholdtheMan
New to this site but wondering if anyone out there has experienced having an intense emotional AND physical affair and then becoming friends? Here's the quick summary. Both of us married, 20+years. Affair has lasted almost 2 years and was both intense on physical and emotional level. His spouse recently found out 'bout affair and he is now "committed" to not having sex with me, but still calls a few times a week and we talk about pretty much everything. It's a weird situation. Personally, I'm frustrated. Missing him so much. Is it best just to call it all off?
How about you just divorce your spouses and be with each other...problem solved!

 

Seriously, this is some weak sh*t. The level of selfishness displayed by some cheaters never ceases to amaze

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I don't even............what is this?

 

If you need to ask if you need to call it off, you're a ****ing lost case.

 

Seriously, I hope you're just tugging our chains here, because the complete lack of compassion for what you are doing is astounding.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Artie Lang

^i'll say it- ****ING DISGRACEFUL, is what it is!

 

i don't care how you paint it, its just so wrong and disrespectful to the OBS it's not even funny.

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ComingInHot

Leanna, hey there. It sound like your "asking" if you should end the A not really "if" you two Can remain friends. Is this closer to what you have actually asked and would like to know or what your topic is titled? I just want to try and support what you are inquiring*

 

Right now you and MM are NOT friends. Not in the innocent true sense of the word.

You are Still engaging in an A. Why do I write this? Because you both care for each other still. And, well, you've had sex... and you are BOTH still M to your own BS's.

 

I don't know how your DDay went but the probability that MM has told His W he will Never speak to you again are very high. Chances are, His Wife would Not approve of continued contact or creating an innocent friendship, ya know?

 

Maybe the better question would be to ask yourself what your H would think of you and MM cheating on him and MM's W for two years then have the berries to ask if they (BS's) would have a problem if you two just went on to be friends...?

 

Would you be cool w/your H being besties w/his OW after finding out he cheated behind Your back for years?

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whichwayisup
New to this site but wondering if anyone out there has experienced having an intense emotional AND physical affair and then becoming friends? Here's the quick summary. Both of us married, 20+years. Affair has lasted almost 2 years and was both intense on physical and emotional level. His spouse recently found out 'bout affair and he is now "committed" to not having sex with me, but still calls a few times a week and we talk about pretty much everything. It's a weird situation. Personally, I'm frustrated. Missing him so much. Is it best just to call it all off?

 

One word. No.

 

Once you two crossed that line, had that affair, there's no going back. You are a 'cancer' to their marriage now. A threat and a distraction so there's no way a friendship can happen, all it will be and turn into is, an emotional affair. He is also a cancer to YOUR marriage and I doubt your husband would like you two to be friends. My guess is, his wife and your husband eventually will be talking so if your H doesn't know yet, you better confess now.

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No they cannot....you crossed the line a long time ago and now you can never go back. It shows in the fact that you cannot talk with him without feeling the extra emotions.

 

Thank you for your response. You're right. I crossed a line, however, I do not agree that we cannot be friends. Delusional? Perhaps. It may take time and perhaps a "no contact" situation may make more sense. We truly care for each other. And...no...we're not delusional, but in some way...very insecure..I guess.

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whichwayisup
Thank you for your response. You're right. I crossed a line, however, I do not agree that we cannot be friends. Delusional? Perhaps. It may take time and perhaps a "no contact" situation may make more sense. We truly care for each other. And...no...we're not delusional, but in some way...very insecure..I guess.

 

Reverse this. Your husband cheated on you, had an A. The A ends, you're hurt, betrayed and trying to trust him again, rebuild ... Would YOU allow him to keep his OW or married woman 'as a friend' because he still wants her in his life? Do you see how selfish that is? And I doubt very much you would allow him to be friends with her, if he'd had an A on you.

 

You're attached and addicted to your AP. How he makes you feel, so even having a friendship, online, through texts, coffee once in a while feeds those feelings and keeps them alive. That same attachment towards him closes YOUR HEART towards your husband. Hope this makes sense.

 

And yes, it is delusional to think you and your xMM can be friends. You won't get over him at all if he is in your life.

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First... a huge "THANK YOU" for all your replies. I don't necessarily agree with all of them, but I do respect your input and opinion. Everyone is entitled to one..no?

There are comments that aren't so "kind" and I completely understand. I remained faithful to my spouse for 19 years. Supported my family on a managerial/executive level salary, worked full time, raised our kids and never once...ever entertained any advances. I'm attractive, sexy and smart and I had many many offers in the past and always refused. When I discovered my husband had an affair 4 years ago, it broke me. It rocked my world to a core and hurt me in a way that I could have never imagined. I went downhill. Gained weight. Drank. Went into a deep deptression. Lost my job. It was horrible. We stayed together for the sake of our children. After several years...yes..it took a few years. I had enough. Enough of feeling betrayed. Enough of feeling sorry for myself. I realized that a marriage takes "TWO." and that I partook in the reason he cheated almost as much as he partook in the cheating. It's obvious our marriage was not and is not a good one. I could have gone and cheated to get back at him. That wasn't me. Plus, I was devastated. Because he had engaged in an emotional/physical affair, I had to endure their breakup. Her emotions. His emotions. Yes. I confronted her and held her hand during their breakup. I understand pain. That's just me. Yet I hurt. Fast forward 4 years to today. I did a lot of self introspection. Got into shape. Picked myself back up. Pulled it together and found the value in me again. I got to the point I yearned for some element of passion of companionship. It's only human. Correct? I found someone who I felt "at peace" with. Yes. He was/is married and in not so different of a situation than myself. Our connection was and is still intense. It was a "balance" and it felt good. An escape? Of course. But that doesn't make it all hell deserving. I learned to love again. I learned to feel again. How bad can that be. The irony of him being caught the same way that I caught my husband is uncanny. But sh)(*&t happens. I don't feel proud of the "cheating" aspect. Not at all. And I'm not making excuses. But, to be completely honest here.., it did by all means, feel completely right. I want him to be happy, even if it means being happy with his marriage. That would be the best. That's how much I care. I've never felt so selfless and yes..., to prove my point, I know the right thing to do is to break all ties for now. And that is a challenge. Thinking. Also, my spouse and I did discuss divorce this year. We do think it's the best.

Edited by leanna123
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Reverse this. Your husband cheated on you, had an A. The A ends, you're hurt, betrayed and trying to trust him again, rebuild ... Would YOU allow him to keep his OW or married woman 'as a friend' because he still wants her in his life? Do you see how selfish that is? And I doubt very much you would allow him to be friends with her, if he'd had an A on you.

 

You're attached and addicted to your AP. How he makes you feel, so even having a friendship, online, through texts, coffee once in a while feeds those feelings and keeps them alive. That same attachment towards him closes YOUR HEART towards your husband. Hope this makes sense.

 

And yes, it is delusional to think you and your xMM can be friends. You won't get over him at all if he is in your life.

Thank you WhichWay. I hear you. I did have that situation as you can read in my recent response to all. My spouse did cheat. And yes.., he did want them to be friends. And she still is somewhere in the sphere out there. I went through hell. That was 4.5 years ago. An excuse? NOT! But.., I have thought of sharing my affair with my spouse. If only for him to understand that I am capable of loving again. And, in the universe of things.., that is a good thing. We have both moved beyond possessiveness, jealousy, etc. We both want what's best for the other and yes...separation, divorce are in the future. It's tough. And no..I'm not expecting my AP to divorce. He's locked into his marriage. He'll have to work that through. I just know I can no longer stay in mine.

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I hear you Brian. And that is but part of the reason this is so hard. I am making excuses for this because he HAS cheated before on her. This is NOT the first time. And that alone gives me pause about the whole F(&^*&(ing thing!!!!!

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Artie Lang

if you felt destroyed by your husband's cheating, you should've divorced right then, instead of sinking to his level and damaging your moral

fiber. now you're just like him- a CHEATER.

 

furthermore, how can you love someone(OM) who's been down this path before? what does that tell you about his character? he's NOT a "good" person.

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As a reminder, the thread topic is 'Can former affair partners become friends only?'. This is not a venue to gratuitously bash fellow members. Discuss the topic, refrain from posting, or moderation will remove you. Thanks.

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findingnemo

Given the problems in your M, remaining friends can lead to other things. Many people misunderstand the meaning of friendship. I once had a conversation with xMM in which I told him that if he really valued me as a friend, he needed to give me space. Any friend of mine would want what's best for me and at that time I had told him I was dating and looking to get M. Thankfully he respected that decision.

 

We've remained friends since. Is it easy? No. But real friends discuss the truth. Real friends do what's best for everyone. If you both can find a way to be friends without communicating for a while, it may work. It may sound crazy but I have some very close friends who I hardly communicate with because we live in separate worlds. Even when I don't see them for years, I know they are my friends. Friendship doesn't mean you are talking on the phone, texting, emailing, all the time. That's high school stuff.

 

Redefine what being friends means, agree to give each other space to sort your private lives out and see how it goes.

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Finally Settled

When my other woman ended the A I tried in vain to convince her we could be friends. I was desperate to keep contact with her and hoped beyond hope she would keep the door open. I realize now she was right to stop contact.

 

I do not believe you can return to being friends once you have been intimately involved with them.

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So simple. You can be anything you wish to be - with anyone. As long as your open and honest about it with all who are involved.

 

In other words - your asking the wrong folks - ask your spouses what your relationship(s) can be. No problems right?

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OP, a question to ask yourself is would you be friends with this person if it were not for the past romantic and sexual interactions? Do you share the same social circle, similar interests, similar viewpoints on aspects of life, etc, etc.? Look around you at your close female friends and any platonic male friends you have and compare. In a lot of these cases, 'friends' is code for 'not acting on my attraction' which, if it had never been acted on in the first place, *might* work though I don't consider it healthy, but that's water under the bridge now. That particular genie can't be put back into the bottle.

 

Since you're apparently at a decision point in your M, perhaps some exit counseling might help you clarify these issues and assist in a smoother and less rancorous divorce, should that be next steps. Good luck.

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No, not in this lifetime. What purpose would it serve anyway? If you love him, let him go and don't interfere any longer in his marriage.

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Charlie Harper

Can you still be friends with your AP? it depends on both of you and how your relationship was founded. If it was a physical affair from the start or a fast one were you had sex and then you "met the other" its impossible. PERIOD.

 

If your Ap was your friend, you share same goals, talked about life and did stuff together not SEX or intimacy RELATED, you may, but you must value more his friendship than his love and the need of "having" him.

 

I am still friends with almost all of my previous girlfriends (before I got married), 2 of them real close after all these years, but I let go and she did too, so we ended up as friends.

 

Most of these problems and suffering emanate from the stupid idea that people belong to US, so you have "rights", heck marriage is built around that.

 

Hope it makes sense to you.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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underwater2010
Thank you for your response. You're right. I crossed a line, however, I do not agree that we cannot be friends. Delusional? Perhaps. It may take time and perhaps a "no contact" situation may make more sense. We truly care for each other. And...no...we're not delusional, but in some way...very insecure..I guess.

You just said it "You truly care for each other". You CANNOT step back from that.

 

If you husband screwed someone else, would you want them to be friends after?

 

My FWH's MOW was gone as soon as I found out. I am still critical of any relationship he has with people of the opposite sex.

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No, you can't be friends with someone you have ever been in love with. Period.

One word. No.

 

I completely disagree with this as I discussed in my recent Gloating post about my current fiance and two ex-boyfriends.

 

HOWEVER, I believe that for Ex's to be friends, a great deal of time and space apart are absolutely necessarily.

 

I am friends with all my Ex's except two: my ex-husband, whom I believe is deceased as no mutual friends have heard from him in twenty years, and my most recent Ex who is living on skid row.

 

But, with all my other Ex's, those friendships could only occur after the pain of the loss of the relationship diminished. After that, there was the realization that the caring still existed and enabled us to have friendships.

 

I wouldn't recommend it for this OP in this situation; still too much desire and love for there to be a friendship.

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Amen Charlie!!! I couldn't agree with you more! I am friends with all my ex boyfriends, including one, in particular, who was so very special to me. My spouse has welcomed him in although that took some time. Now we are all friends. The affair began with us just meeting each other randomly and completely connected. We didn't get physical in the beginning, but obviously that changed. We do share same interests, same philosophy on life, same food preferences...we also finish each others' sentences. That's what's so weird about this.

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Charlie Harper

The problem is that having sex with someone not your S and liking it a lot is a pretty BIG ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. So what makes those A very frustrating and full of hurt is that you lose a friend and a lover.... but the friend part is what makes you more sad.

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