Jump to content

How to accept him...


SerenityWisdom

Recommended Posts

SerenityWisdom

I am new here but need an open place to express my situation. I'm not looking to be condemned or shunned but rather given words of advice to move forward. Going to try and make a long story short...

 

I have been with Ben since 2002. We met online when I was in college. He was recently home from serving 4 years in the Army. He was 28, I was 23. We started as FWB, he introduced me to a D/s relationship (I could not be the FT sub he wanted but we still played the roles at times), and we were having fun. About 8 months in, I was ready to get monogamous or move on. He moved in shortly after and we've stuck together since then. We've had our ups and downs... He continued to want D/s in his life, so he began producing fetish porn (again no judging, just advice needed). Through this he found a way to recoup what he lost by being in a relationship with me. We both ventured to swing clubs, but I gained some weight and we haven't been in at least 4 years. I got pregnant, he got mad and got a girlfriend. I lost it... Shortly after, he stopped seeing her (yes, I intervened and helped that along some...) And it took about 2 years for me to move past it. We have a beautiful 3 year old and he is a good daddy to her. Being a mom, my interest in sex has dwindled at times - partly due to sleep deprivation, not wanting anyone hanging on me anymore than is necessary, and because I grieved the relationship we had before he got his girlfriend.

 

Since I met Ben he's been someone I trust with my life but not with my heart, if that makes sense... We met while he was having fun with me and others. Our relationship has included others, both my my choice, and recently behind my back. He just disclosed, after some prodding from me, that he's been seeing a girl in the town where he works. In my heart, I knew he was seeing someone - there are things he did that were "suspect." I am trying to find peace in accepting this man that I cannot change. I am finding courage to change what I can - my feelings about it. But I struggle in understanding how to love this man who - regardless of my knowing about it or not - will probably always be one who has a woman on the side.

 

Since confronting him, we have had hours of what he probably thinks is interrogation, but for me it's questions to get answers that help me know this is not about me, but rather his inherent "flaw."

 

Any words?? Just looking for a "friend" I can get good, sound advice on this.... Having come from a very dysfunctional family I want to give our daughter a better family experience than I had. She already has that and I don't want this to ruin our family or ruin her experience of her mommy and daddy. Thanks for reading....

Link to post
Share on other sites
findingnemo

I can see you like the Serenity Prayer.:) Before I give you advice, I need to know whether you want to continue the D/s lifestyle or not. The swinging and open R? Are you still comfortable with that kind of lifestyle?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
SerenityWisdom

He continues to enjoy aspects of BDSM and we will play with it, but we have not been FT with it for about 6 years. I am still comfortable with swinging yet we haven't been to any parties or met ant couples in years. For about the last 4 years its been pretty vanilla between us. He gets bored - not just sexually but mentally and his pattern has been to find ways to keep himself busy - most recently by finding a female in an adult toy store and apparently proceeding to have her as his "girlfriend." Does this help?

Link to post
Share on other sites
findingnemo

I don't know much about BDSM and swinging. I do think though that your Ben may not be compatible with you if you decide to change in any way. If you like the lifestyle, then it sounds like you could try to become more active? Weight and swinging? Lose the weight (possible) and get back into it with him.

 

I hope someone who understands these things comes along. I initially thought you didn't want to continue in which case, I would have suggested separation. He does his thing and you find someone else.

 

I find it odd that you feel you have to love Ben. Why? Love isn't forced. You don't have to accept love nor feel it. Neither do you require the serenity to deal with his cheating. You just need the wisdom to decide if you are in or out. The wisdom is this: Are you happy? Yes, you stay and get back into the lifestyle. No, you move on.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...