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Health Issues and Wayward Spouses


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aliveagain

While responding to a post by NewSouth an observation came to the light that I have never associated cheating with health problems. In my response I noted the fact that four of the women that have been key in my life have cheated on me and all four had health problems. So my question to all is "do cheaters have more health problems than those that honor their fidelity?" Do cheaters punish themselves in some way through their subconscious? I hope this is the right thread to post this question in?

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Yes! Fws here. I had a back injury as a result of labor and delivery of my second child. This has put me in flare ups of severe nerve pain that can last 6-8 weeks. It's been ongoing for about 10 years and I feel that it was a condition that set me up some to "escape" with an affair. Fortunately I've been two years pain free. Not a cause for an affair but one of several factors in the perfect storm.

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Interesting.

I had never thought about that. And I started to recollect memories of some cases I know.

 

Not all, certainly. But a good deal of the cheaters I know (men and women) have some sort of chronic illness.

 

Usually related to bones or muscles. Back injuries, problems with bone structure, lack of body strength, etc...

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My wife came down with adulteritis. Severe case. Symptoms included chronic lying, herpes, and open legs syndrome. Symptoms are not contagious but can result in PTSD in others. Consult a medical health professional before reconciling with a person suffering from adulteritis. These claims have not beeen verified by the FDA.

 

 

 

My wife was perfectly healthy.

 

 

 

(No offense intended to my remorseful fWS friends here - just indulging in some infidelity humor this morning).

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Interesting thread......and something I had never thought of before.

 

My H had chronic back pain and a real mess of lower disc issues which rendered him legally addicted to pain meds, and jobless on and off for 5 years.

 

Surgery was risky. Very. My life became a nightmare trying to hold it, us, all together. I felt like a single parent. I felt like I was drowning in responsibilities.

 

He felt very, very sorry for himself when he wasn't high as a kite.

 

Pulled the trigger on surgery, he kicked the drugs at huge expense to our relationship with friends with angry outbursts he did not remember, and moved on to a new high-powered job where he crashed into her.

 

So, he was STILL feeling sorry for himself, still depressed but did not treat it

 

There is a school of thought that back issues are created and/or exacerbated by fear.

 

neck pain? stress-related.

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imtooconfused

Affairs are frequently caused by self-image problems and the related seeking of validation of self-worth. If the health problems manifest into self-image problems, then yes, they could very much be related.

 

So by extension, if you seek to prevent cheating, validate a partner's worth to you, even in the face of health problems.

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Affairs are frequently caused by self-image problems and the related seeking of validation of self-worth. If the health problems manifest into self-image problems, then yes, they could very much be related.

 

So by extension, if you seek to prevent cheating, validate a partner's worth to you, even in the face of health problems.

 

In my particular sitch, this makes a lot of sense.

 

I think I tried as best I could to shore him up, we will be okay, hold on, it's not your fault, I'll get ANOTHER job, blah, blah, blah.

 

It is exhausting to be the constant cheerleader in a relationship.

 

Unless a partner actively works to overcome low-self worth, often with the aid of professional help, all the validating in the world will not fill the void within them.

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Interesting thread......and something I had never thought of before.

 

My H had chronic back pain and a real mess of lower disc issues which rendered him legally addicted to pain meds, and jobless on and off for 5 years.

 

Surgery was risky. Very. My life became a nightmare trying to hold it, us, all together. I felt like a single parent. I felt like I was drowning in responsibilities.

 

He felt very, very sorry for himself when he wasn't high as a kite.

 

Pulled the trigger on surgery, he kicked the drugs at huge expense to our relationship with friends with angry outbursts he did not remember, and moved on to a new high-powered job where he crashed into her.

 

So, he was STILL feeling sorry for himself, still depressed but did not treat it

 

There is a school of thought that back issues are created and/or exacerbated by fear.

 

neck pain? stress-related.

 

In a book I read, called Torn Asunder, it talks about several life issues that are frequently associated with people who have affairs. Of course, many others go through the same things with out having them, but often someone in an affair will say that they came out of a major medical/health issue, experienced job loss, or another life event like that. It sounds like your husband had a triple whammy!

 

For me, my back issue made it so that I can never run again for the rest of my life, which was difficult for me to accept since I was an avid runner prior to my son's birth. I had to switch over to swimming but I almost feel like I had a mid-life crisis in my 30s. I know the affair made me feel alive, and dulled the fear of losing control over my body like chronic pain can do.

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aliveagain

Thank you for all the input, back problems is one of the main issues that came across to me. The other really noticeable health issue that after discovery, even years later, the number of colds or flu's they had, they were always getting something. BetrayedH, love the open leg syndrome, LMAO, never thought I could ever do that again specially when referencing the exWW. I won't even comment on the Woo Woo stuff that seemed to happen to them for years afterwards, (Karma). Finally, why can't they forget about me, why do they try and friend me on Facebook? Why do they want to be in my life even 20 years later? The grass that they thought was so green is mulch for the garden I have since achieved, the other men pale in comparison to my success, what a waste.

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aliveagain

Act Two, were you replacing one kind of pain(physical) with another kind of pain(spiritual and psychological)? How did that work for you? For your family?

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worldgonewrong

Ex-W suffered from IBS. I was always very supportive of her. But she wanted bigger, greater validation.

 

Her health issues got compounded when I discovered she needed root canal work (during our separation). I don't know if that's karma or just plain sad.

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Act Two, were you replacing one kind of pain(physical) with another kind of pain(spiritual and psychological)? How did that work for you? For your family?

 

It was really my drug of choice I guess, and was as destructive as any drug.

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dreamingoftigers

That's so weird, my husband has sciatic nerve issues.

 

And my father has frequent health issues as well.

 

So did my cheater friend, but I honestly think that her pain issues were more linked to childhood PTSD, poor coping skills and alcoholism.

 

Both my father and husband were alcoholics as well.

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Not going to rehash my STBXW's pain problems, because I've voiced them enough in my previous threads. Diabetes and all that jazz.

 

I'm not going to downplay anyones pain/health issues. Because everyone deals with those things individually.

 

But the idea, that a health issue/pain issue can drive someone to have an affair is rubbish. Plain and simple.

 

Pass this along to your WS's that complain about their pain, and use it as an excuse. I want each of them to spend a week, 7 solid days, in a childrens cancer ward and follow that up with 7 days in a burn unit.

 

Come back to me after and tell me how bad you have it with some nerve pain, and back problems and try and use that as a justification.

 

It makes me sad that adults will use their health issues as leverage to justify their actions, however immoral, while I've seen four-eight year olds show more compassion, self restraint, empathy and courage than any WS, while they are hooked up to a Chemo drip, or having 85% of their skin grafted. I'll add these kids handle this shizzle like little bosses, and could teach a few things to these OM/OW.

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dreamingoftigers
Not going to rehash my STBXW's pain problems, because I've voiced them enough in my previous threads. Diabetes and all that jazz.

 

I'm not going to downplay anyones pain/health issues. Because everyone deals with those things individually.

 

But the idea, that a health issue/pain issue can drive someone to have an affair is rubbish. Plain and simple.

 

Pass this along to your WS's that complain about their pain, and use it as an excuse. I want each of them to spend a week, 7 solid days, in a childrens cancer ward and follow that up with 7 days in a burn unit.

 

Come back to me after and tell me how bad you have it with some nerve pain, and back problems and try and use that as a justification.

 

It makes me sad that adults will use their health issues as leverage to justify their actions, however immoral, while I've seen four-eight year olds show more compassion, self restraint, empathy and courage than any WS, while they are hooked up to a Chemo drip, or having 85% of their skin grafted. I'll add these kids handle this shizzle like little bosses, and could teach a few things to these OM/OW.

 

Truly saddening.

 

But to the point: IME, chronic, low-level pain does have a rewiring effect on the brain. It tends to be judgment-impairing.

 

As well as some of the latest information coming forth showing that traumatic emotional pain manifests itself in the brain the same way that physical symptoms do.

 

In mine and my husband's case, I can STRONGLY say that constant shame and abuse from childhood has manifested itself as health issues for both of us.

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While I agree that pain can begin to rewire the brain, it is still no excuse for having adulterous relationships.

 

Right and wrong, do not become rewired in our brain. In extreme cases, perhaps:

 

-repeated violent acts

-rape

-brain washing

-severe and prolonger physical and emotional abuse

 

But seriously, Nerve damage, back pain, things like that. I call bull****. Straight up and down.

 

While I have sympathy for people that live in constant pain, or suffer from ailments, I hold them to the exact same level of morality as myself. Do right, no matter what, no excuses.

 

There is a FF1 down at Engine 5 that has terminal brain cancer. You know what he does?

 

Toughs it the **** out. Shows up to work everyday (modified duties of course), and works his 24hr shift. Goes home and helps take care of his wife and kids like a god damn Boss.

 

He doesn't use his illness as an excuse to make stupid decisions, he owns his illness, and stands up to it. This man is going to die, that is clear as day, but he doesn't let that warp his sense of reality, duties and morals.

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Perhaps excuse was the wrong word.

 

I'm not sure there is a word to express it rather than an excuse, or perhaps a factor?

 

Factor may work better.

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aliveagain

Dreamingoftigers, yes, it seems that alcoholism and infidelity go hand in hand, it was always an excuse I heard used a lot "I was drunk". I think in general people that have substance addictions are more likely to cheat. They see boundaries differently then we do, perhaps they believe that they only apply to others. I see we are neighbors.

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dreamingoftigers
Dreamingoftigers, yes, it seems that alcoholism and infidelity go hand in hand, it was always an excuse I heard used a lot "I was drunk". I think in general people that have substance addictions are more likely to cheat. They see boundaries differently then we do, perhaps they believe that they only apply to others. I see we are neighbors.

 

You can borrow my rake if I can borrow your snow shovel. :)

 

EDIT: Crappy day outside eh?

 

Prepared for the possible flood?

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aliveagain

I live just outside of the city. I received a call from a concerned friend that it was actually snowing around Pridis and warned me about potential driving conditions. Lucky for me it only rained. I have a 10 horsepower snow blower, will that do for the rake?

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NotInProvence

Hm, this is a really fascinating read!

 

My ex was born with an enzymatic disorder that led to everything from a poor immune system, to stomach issues, to (possibly) chronic depression. He had a sports accident as a teen which resulted in chronic knee/foot pain. He also suffered from PTSD due to abuse and spent years trying to drink it away.

 

He was coddled quite a bit as a child because he was so sick, and I suspect he developed a bit of an entitlement complex from it. I blame that for his cheating more than anything.

 

His choice to self-medicate with an affair, in the end, caused him more pain than his health. (My daughter has periodic contact with him; apparently he still talks about reconciling with me, and his OW turned verbally abusive. Eek.)

 

Perhaps coping with medical conditions leads to skewed coping strategies?

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Perhaps excuse was the wrong word.

 

I'm not sure there is a word to express it rather than an excuse, or perhaps a factor?

 

Factor may work better.

 

I'm always kinda concerned about the semantics around this discussion. For what it's worth, Act 2's reputation with me is that she is NOT a blameshifter but quite remarkably introspective. In fact, I was regretting my sarcasm this morning before I even hit send because I don't want her (or Anne) to feel it was directed at them; it was my exwife that was in my thoughts there and I admittedly still have some bitterness over her affair.

 

Other than something broken within the wayward (conflict-avoidance, self-entitlement or an excessive need for external validation), it's somewhat common to hear that major life events can be a factor in infidelity. The ones I typically see cited are recent pregnancy, mental illness, or military service. I suppose that major physical ailments could also qualify. I think these factors can help create a perfect storm of vulnerability. Is it an excuse? No. I also don't like the word, cause. The ultimate cause is the wayward's decision(s) to cross boundaries. I think saying that other things (like chronic pain) were contributing factors is probably accurate and as far as I can go. None of them are enough on their own. I've had chronic neck pain (and associated headaches) since I was 17. I didn't cheat. But I can understand that piling one ngative thing on top of another can make a person more vulnerable to the attention of another.

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I'm always kinda concerned about the semantics around this discussion. For what it's worth, Act 2's reputation with me is that she is NOT a blameshifter but quite remarkably introspective. In fact, I was regretting my sarcasm this morning before I even hit send because I don't want her (or Anne) to feel it was directed at them; it was my exwife that was in my thoughts there and I admittedly still have some bitterness over her affair.

 

Other than something broken within the wayward (conflict-avoidance, self-entitlement or an excessive need for external validation), it's somewhat common to hear that major life events can be a factor in infidelity. The ones I typically see cited are recent pregnancy, mental illness, or military service. I suppose that major physical ailments could also qualify. I think these factors can help create a perfect storm of vulnerability. Is it an excuse? No. I also don't like the word, cause. The ultimate cause is the wayward's decision(s) to cross boundaries. I think saying that other things (like chronic pain) were contributing factors is probably accurate and as far as I can go. None of them are enough on their own. I've had chronic neck pain (and associated headaches) since I was 17. I didn't cheat. But I can understand that piling one ngative thing on top of another can make a person more vulnerable to the attention of another.

 

Thank you for your kind post! And for what it's worth, I laughed when I read your earlier take on your ex-wife's "condition."

 

SmokeRat- I get leery of posting on these types of discussions, somewhat because I'm not entirely sure for myself where that fine line is between probing WHY I did what I did vs. calling something an excuse, cause or factor. You might call the discussion bullsh$t but it's worth pondering if you are trying to rehabilitate a marriage or just yourself.

 

At the end of the day, the end result is still the same, but unless I want to throw myself off a bridge, I still have to live with myself and do better, so I have to prevent doing something like this again or even to make restitution to the extent that it is possible.

 

I read a story like Spark's and can think about what her husband had on his plate and sympathize, but still, those conditions were to some degree on her plate as well and she chose not to go outside the marriage.

 

Maybe it all boils down to bad character/good character, but I can't stop there.

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aliveagain

BetrayedH,

 

I am always trying to better myself, I am always looking for rhythm's in nature that may influence a future decision. That would include "would I date another alcoholic?", would I risk another serious relationship with someone that has BPD? Would I have a serious relationship with someone that cheated on a former significant other? This is just me speaking out about things that happened to me and are my observations and are not intended to hurt anyone. I just look for red flags, I don't want another bad relationship. Just recently I have noticed that all of the wayward women in my life had one or more of addiction issues(alcohol and cocaine), health issues(back problems)or bipolar disorder, mostly back issues and alcohol. I am not saying that everyone with back problems cheats but that has been my experience.

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