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How did you know A was a Dealbreaker?


ladydesigner

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ladydesigner

I am curious as to what part of the A was the dealbreaker for you and how long did it take you to realize it?

 

Also, I often read about BS's many years down the line realizing that the A was in fact a dealbreaker. I would hate to be 5 years out of this and then realize I should have never considered R.

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I am curious as to what part of the A was the dealbreaker for you and how long did it take you to realize it?

 

Also, I often read about BS's many years down the line realizing that the A was in fact a dealbreaker. I would hate to be 5 years out of this and then realize I should have never considered R.

 

On some level I knew that his A was a dealbreaker from the start. I spent a few years trying to rationalize it in my mind but never could. Once I accepted that it was a dealbreaker, which was more recently, I found that I had so much power and felt so much better.

 

Thing is, at least for my particular situation, I still loved my H and more importantly, he still loved me. So, we are attempting to forge something new.

 

I am 4 1/2 years out and as a wise person on here once told me, if at any point it (reconciling my marriage) becomes too much, I am perfectly within my rights to walk away. My H and I have had a lot of fun (and a lot of tears) in the intervening time but as my H says, we are still here.

 

I am still good with walking away, even after 4 1/2 years, if that is what I decide is best for me. And you know what? I have never felt better...not since 2008 when it all happened.

 

Hope that makes sense.

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TheBladeRunner

I knew it was a deal breaker when I discovered more than one affair, emotional and physical. I wanted to reconcile, but I too was afraid of getting several years in and then either being let down by her or me realizing I would never get over the betrayal.

 

I guess I also realized that in order to reconcile, BOTH parties need to reach down their own throat and pull up some very difficult stuff. I would have been willing, but I know her, and I know that deep down she thinks (she's actually told me this) that the "A" is all my fault. I am in my mid-forties and I didn't want to gamble anymore with my feelings. The "odds" told me that she would NEVER do what it would take to get our marriage back on track.

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On some level I knew that his A was a dealbreaker from the start. I spent a few years trying to rationalize it in my mind but never could. Once I accepted that it was a dealbreaker, which was more recently, I found that I had so much power and felt so much better.

 

Thing is, at least for my particular situation, I still loved my H and more importantly, he still loved me. So, we are attempting to forge something new.

 

I am 4 1/2 years out and as a wise person on here once told me, if at any point it (reconciling my marriage) becomes too much, I am perfectly within my rights to walk away. My H and I have had a lot of fun (and a lot of tears) in the intervening time but as my H says, we are still here.

 

I am still good with walking away, even after 4 1/2 years, if that is what I decide is best for me. And you know what? I have never felt better...not since 2008 when it all happened.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

Perfect sense.

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It was a deal breaker for me because he got the OW pregnant! That's how I found out. We went to CC and IC and hung in there for six more years but once that trust was broken we could never quite get it back.

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When people decide to reconcile , and Do the work, and then years later figure out they want to divorce...

 

It's easy , really easy, once there has been infidelity...to always point back to it when other issues come up. Even if you don't say it because you know there isn't anything further to be done ...

 

A crisis comes up and rather than addressing the new issue, either the WS or the BS thinks its all stemming from that infidelity...and the new issue never gets addressed or even recognized.

 

I bet that happens.

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Ninja'sHusband

For me it was the lies and the refusal to break all ties that were the deal breaker. Initially I was willing to work through it. I never got to the point of 5 years later wondering if I had done the right thing or not. We decided to call it quits after 6 months of trying to R.

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HappyAtLast

Initially, during the "shock and awe" period I probably was wanting to reconcile. Her unwillingness to do the work, coupled with my retrospection that I really would not get past the fact that my then-wife made a conscious decision to be intimate with another led me to the stay (but not really reconcile) path.

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Bittersweetie

LD, I struggled with this too early on in R.

 

My H explained it to me once and I understand that at some point, if he is unhappy and no longer wants to be with me in regards to my A (or any reason), he will leave. It could happen next month, next year, or never. But, in reality, isn't that the case in any marriage or relationship? Right now (3.5+ years post d-day), we both care and love and support each other and things are good. I know if he had an issue (or if I did) we would talk about it first before making a drastic choice. That is what we have learned together on this journey.

 

If he left, I of course would be devastated. But I now have a stronger sense of myself and boundaries, so I know I will be okay. I also have a much better understanding of what a healthy relationship is and how to nurture it, if I ever entered another relationship. I would know that I have given our marriage 100% and more, so if we could not work things out, I would accept that. Plus, now I have my son and I am very thankful for him!

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TheBladeRunner
For me it was the lies and the refusal to break all ties that were the deal breaker. Initially I was willing to work through it. I never got to the point of 5 years later wondering if I had done the right thing or not. We decided to call it quits after 6 months of trying to R.

 

This was an issue for me as well. Her second AP worked in a different part of the state and she would have to talk to him every day regardless. For her to go "all in" regarding repairing the marriage, as far as I was concerned, she would need to quit. The A started at work and was carried on at work; no way I was going to allow that to continue if we were ever to reconcile.

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ladydesigner

First thanks to all who responded. I guess I'm where I want to be if I'm still standing by my man. I do love him very much and I know he does as well or he wouldn't be here either. I am hoping our next MC will help guide us to a healthier M. Both of us are madhatters and both of us are working on our individual issues. It's not easy when both spouses feel distrust towards one another.

 

 

But I now have a stronger sense of myself and boundaries, so I know I will be okay. I also have a much better understanding of what a healthy relationship is and how to nurture it, if I ever entered another relationship. I would know that I have given our marriage 100% and more, so if we could not work things out, I would accept that. Plus, now I have my son and I am very thankful for him!

 

Yes I feel confident in my own healing and knowledge about affairs and boundaries and why I had my A that if my current M did not work out, I definitely will be healthier going into the next one. I have given our M 100% now my WH has to put the work in too.

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lifelesson101

The affair was the deal breaker for me, period. It got worse when I found out it had been going on for years. When crap hit the fan my ex-H went into survival mode, for lack of a better phrase on my part. He turned into a doting fool, being too nice, buying me too much, apologizing, saying how the mistress meant nothing, it was just sex, he never loved her....blah...blah. What I could not stomach was the overkill of being too nice, trying too damned hard, being too sorry, and groveling on the part of my ex-H. God, he was always such a strong, smart, and confident man who commanded the room when he walked in. The man I knew would have NEVER showed an open display of desperation. That turned me off as much as the affair! Weird, I know, but I cannot help it.

 

Long story short. I filed divorce within three weeks after discovery. He was gracious about the divorce, because I think he really wanted out too.

 

He and his mistress are now married and have been together seven years, and they are truly happy. I am happy for them. Time heals most things.

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The A wasn't a dealbreaker for me until 8 months into reconciling I discovered that she was still lying. With honesty and openness, we might have made it. But I could not reconcile with someone who was actively lying to my face.

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ladydesigner
The A wasn't a dealbreaker for me until 8 months into reconciling I discovered that she was still lying. With honesty and openness, we might have made it. But I could not reconcile with someone who was actively lying to my face.

 

This happened to me as well. I honestly thought I was leaving after our 4th DDay with the same MOW. I am very hesitant at the moment, sort of one foot in and the other slightly out. I just can't believe he would lie to me the way he did, not only about the facts about his A, but with all the times I caught them breaking NC. I finally got to a point of what the hell am I doing? So I 180'd and got myself together. My WH has been NC for 5 months now and his affection and emotions have been with me, he has stepped up to help take care of the kids, and help me out when I trigger.

 

If there is another DDay, and it doesn't matter with who, I am strong enough to walk away. To me this would prove how sick he actually is and that none of the IC he has had ever helped. At least I have finally gotten to a point where I know his A's were never about me, but him.

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This happened to me as well. I honestly thought I was leaving after our 4th DDay with the same MOW. I am very hesitant at the moment, sort of one foot in and the other slightly out. I just can't believe he would lie to me the way he did, not only about the facts about his A, but with all the times I caught them breaking NC. I finally got to a point of what the hell am I doing? So I 180'd and got myself together. My WH has been NC for 5 months now and his affection and emotions have been with me, he has stepped up to help take care of the kids, and help me out when I trigger.

 

If there is another DDay, and it doesn't matter with who, I am strong enough to walk away. To me this would prove how sick he actually is and that none of the IC he has had ever helped. At least I have finally gotten to a point where I know his A's were never about me, but him.

 

You sound like you're in a healthy place to me. My gut says that if he is doing the right things now, to give it time. You know what to watch for and you know your boundaries.

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The A wasn't a dealbreaker for me until 8 months into reconciling I discovered that she was still lying. With honesty and openness, we might have made it. But I could not reconcile with someone who was actively lying to my face.

Same for me only it was 10 months. The night before I threw her out, she was literally lying to my face about where she was and why she was so late getting home.

 

That morning my "radar" was going off that something was up. When I got home from work I was scouring through her laptop and facebook to see if I could find any clues. As I was doing so, I stopped and asked myself "is this how I want to spend the rest of my life?" I didn't find anything. That night she came home 90 minutes later than she should have. She then gave a great fictional story about where she was. The next morning I discovered it was all a lie. She was out with dirtbag the whole evening. I knew I had to divorce her. I wasn't going to live like that. I wasn't going to be continually lied to . I wasn't going to be continually disrespected. That afternoon I had an appointment with my lawyer. That evening she was out the door.

 

There are entirely too many good people in the world to spend your time with than to waste it on someone who will knowingly and willingly lie, hurt, and disrespect you.

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I realized that if I had to give up everything I believed in - just to stay married - it wouldn't work for me. Sacrificing myself for another persons happiness - while giving up my sense of self was unhealthy.

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WhatASituation

All I can say is this. I've heard people say, "It's so easy just to throw in the towel and get a divorce." Well, I think it's much easier to stay! Complacency does have a price, however!

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TheBladeRunner
All I can say is this. I've heard people say, "It's so easy just to throw in the towel and get a divorce." Well, I think it's much easier to stay! Complacency does have a price, however!

 

Awesome post W.A.S.! For just a few words you hit "my" nail right on the head. I thought the same thing, it would have been easier. No life change, no new place, stay with my child every night, etc.. I was lucky because I KNEW the complacency WOULD have had a HUGE price. I just couldn't be complacent though, I moved out 8 months ago.

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Darren Steez

When I realized that I was degrading and humiliating myself by clinging on to someone who had lost all respect for me. I am me. I am worth alot in my own mind, deserving of love. Stopped calling her.

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Decorative
All I can say is this. I've heard people say, "It's so easy just to throw in the towel and get a divorce." Well, I think it's much easier to stay! Complacency does have a price, however!

 

I think it is hard to do either.

 

Staying is hard work, and so is leaving.

 

I never think someone who chose differently than me took an easier path. It's hard either way- and unfair all around- because you get handed a crap sandwich and you have to make choices and decisions you never wanted to.

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worldgonewrong
When I realized that I was degrading and humiliating myself by clinging on to someone who had lost all respect for me. I am me. I am worth alot in my own mind, deserving of love. Stopped calling her.

 

^^^^

BAM!

Quoted for stone-cold truth.

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