Does Infidelity Begat Infidelity?

[Mr. Lucky]

My exW's dad was a philanderer. I remember her telling me a story where, shortly after she got her license, she and her younger sister drove to the other side of town to confront her Dad's OW. Pretty dramatic stuff for a kid.

 

And yet, when the chips were down in our marriage, she cheated on me. And I've often wondered if cheating has some learned component for adults that as kids were products of marriages where infidelity had occurred. Once grown, is it somehow more prominent as an alternative in a struggling marriage?

 

For those of you that are BS's, did your WS have a family history of infidelity? And do you think it contributed to their decision to have an affair? And is the reverse true? If you grew up in a family that had no known infidelity, did that play a part is your commitment to stay true to your marriage even when things were tough?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Spark1111]

I have read yes, it can affect future generations, because the MOST important parental job is role-modeling.

 

So maybe it is more a way of handing down poor coping skills, poor communication skills or conflict-avoidance?

 

Because those traits can and do run in families.

[Woggle]

On some subconscious level she was probably getting back at her father when she cheated on you.

[NotCamelot]

My W's dad divorced her mother when she was really young and he got custody of her and two brothers...the mother was alcoholic.

 

BUT...after remarrying, he did cheat on the her strp-mother. She had always viewed that as wrong.

 

I came from a genuine "til death do us part" home filled with lots of love and lots of affection. I never saw or heard my parents sound even a little mad at each other......ever. They were married 21 years when my dad died of cancer.....until that they were never apart.

 

I am not saying her upbringing had anything to do with her actions. But, I think her attitude about how to recover from it was a descendant of her childhood. It was more of a "these things happen" kind of attitude.

[Mr. Lucky]

On some subconscious level she was probably getting back at her father when she cheated on you.

Interesting thought. How would she be getting back at him by repeating the same sin?

 

Mr. Lucky

[SmokeRat]

I cannot believe the infidelity can begat infidelity.

 

It's an excuse, my father/mother/brother/sister did it, I know it is wrong, but I'll do it anyway.

 

By that logic, my best friend should be out running around on his wife like a mad man, since his father cheated on his mother for decades. But he doesn't, because he knows it is wrong and he's built his own morals around not being a dirt bag like his father.

[Woggle]

When the opposite sex parent cheats it can create a lot of animosity towards the opposite sex even if on a subconscious level. In her mind she might be giving men a taste of their own medicine.

[dichotomy]

Yes - but i struggle with nature or nurture from her parent? Inherited or learned/imitated. Her relationship behavior changed after her dad died and his affairs and addictions came to light.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have read yes, it can affect future generations, because the MOST important parental job is role-modeling.

 

So maybe it is more a way of handing down poor coping skills, poor communication skills or conflict-avoidance?

 

Because those traits can and do run in families.

I've read that many abusers were often abused, perhaps infidelity has a similar MO.

 

I wonder if there are any statistics for the occurrence of infidelity in adults who, as children, were exposed to the results of same? Probably hard to catalog. Although if divorce rates for the children of divorce are higher, that alone might be telling...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

By that logic, my best friend should be out running around on his wife like a mad man, since his father cheated on his mother for decades. But he doesn't, because he knows it is wrong and he's built his own morals around not being a dirt bag like his father.

What you say makes perfect sense but I'm just wondering if statistics and other posters experiences support it. Having seen as children (who I think are more clued into these things than we think) first-hand the impact of cheating, you'd think they'd be the last married persons to repeat the behavior. And yet...

 

Mr. Lucky

[waterwoman]

Yes, I think it might. H's parents had a fairly dysfunctional marriage and a VERY dysfunctional seperation and divorce - if there's a bad way to divorce they managed it. It has lead to H having lots of behaviour that is unhealthy imo, infidelity being the worst so far.

[ComingInHot]

my father's assistant made overt moves on him for years. My grandmother didn't seem to have a problem w/this as she didn't "like" my mom.

I was ten through twelve when I knew this assistant was "not good".

My father turned it down and finally let her go as it disgusted him.

I treated her w/ZERO respect. Even in my young eyes, I KNEW she was up to no good.

 

My parents & H's parents were Married w/no infidelity.

 

But my H's mother lived like she was "entitled" . Maybe that's where H got his...

[todreaminblue]

My exW's dad was a philanderer. I remember her telling me a story where, shortly after she got her license, she and her younger sister drove to the other side of town to confront her Dad's OW. Pretty dramatic stuff for a kid.

 

And yet, when the chips were down in our marriage, she cheated on me. And I've often wondered if cheating has some learned component for adults that as kids were products of marriages where infidelity had occurred. Once grown, is it somehow more prominent as an alternative in a struggling marriage?

 

For those of you that are BS's, did your WS have a family history of infidelity? And do you think it contributed to their decision to have an affair? And is the reverse true? If you grew up in a family that had no known infidelity, did that play a part is your commitment to stay true to your marriage even when things were tough?

 

Mr. Lucky

my mother ad father always stuck together through everything thick and thin and my my father was definite head of the house,they are now separated, no cheating occurred to my knowledge.......my exes family cheating has happened....and my exes parents are still together and will be till death does part.........not separated not divorced....

 

 

i think every one has to makes their own choices and not base it on family ....if cheating has caused breakdowns in relationships i have just given an example of the opposite....i was devastated when my parents split up..didnt think it would ever happen.........and my ex would not be devastated if his parents split......so personality i believe plays a factor

 

 

 

 

i do believe in fidelity in marriage and committed partnerships, i believe when you get married it should that person for the rest of your life.........but that.....doesnt really mean anything if i dont have a mutual understanding between a partner and myself......and it doesnt have anything to do with family......its choices..and the personalities involved....values beliefs...not genetics...and the ability to want to work on a relationship without turning away to someone else.....deb

[Mr. Lucky]

My dad had a very very brief affair ( kind of a 'two night stand' not long after they were married. He felt awful about it, and told my mom. I didn;t know about this until my own hsuband cheated, and they were trying to help support me through reconciliation...I know talking about it was hard for them, but they wanted me to know that it was possible to reconcile. Up until then, I didn;t know anything about it. I knew my dad had been through a very rough time, but I didn't know that was how he reacted.His mom was terminally ill, father had been suffering from depression and killed his wife when she asked him to, and then committed suicide. My dad found them about a week later, and it was in the papers, etc. It was a terrible time for him,and he felt really guilty...he didn't know anything was wrong as they never told him anything. My dad had a breakdown, part of which included the very brief affair.

 

when I was growing up, my parents argued in front of me...not "fought", but argued... aftewrads, they would explain to me that they were sorry I saw that, but that I didn't need to worry, as they still loved each other very much. My dad's parents had never been one to talabout emotions, etc., and they saw the damage that can do.

 

when I asked about it as an adult, they told me it was because they felt it was important for my brother and I to see that it's okay for a husband and wife to disagree, it doesn't mean that you should split up or that you don't love each other. They've been married 50 years, and are very much in love and happy together.

 

Did learning about your Dad's affair give you any different perspective on your WS ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Act Two]

I am a fWS and my parents are still married, (a mostly unhappy marriage) with no infidelity. It is one reason I am struggling quite a bit with my divorce, however. They were a stick-it-out-until-the-end-of-time-no-matter-what kind of couple.

 

My husband had a very dysfunctional childhood. His mother was a BS twice- his father left them when he was 2, although there was more physical abuse involved, which I believe was what ended the marriage more so than infidelity. His mother re-married but her second husband cheated on her and that marriage ended when my husband was 10.

[Spark1111]

When the opposite sex parent cheats it can create a lot of animosity towards the opposite sex even if on a subconscious level. In her mind she might be giving men a taste of their own medicine.

 

Woggle, yOu have been reading a lot! yes, especially for women, that anger at an adulterous daddy can translate into a life long anger at daddy nada mistrust of of all men.

 

when mommy cheats? A devastating life-long lack of confidence in the family, marital structure.... A basic mistrust of being the supportive, stable rock of the family. Sexist? probably...but true. Even Freud recognized how primal and intrinsic mother is to the health and stability of the clan.

 

daddy cheating for a son? Anger at how it hurt mom, but paternal role model can prevail in adulthood.If daddy copes by cheating, sons have a higher rate of repeating the behavior in adulthood.

 

daddy, by role-modeling teaches the son how a man acts and copes with life stressors, even if his mother's pain caused him pain and grief.

[Woggle]

Woggle, yOu have been reading a lot! yes, especially for women, that anger at an adulterous daddy can translate into a life long anger at daddy nada mistrust of of all men.

 

when mommy cheats? A devastating life-long lack of confidence in the family, marital structure.... A basic mistrust of being the supportive, stable rock of the family. Sexist? probably...but true. Even Freud recognized how primal and intrinsic mother is to the health and stability of the clan.

 

daddy cheating for a son? Anger at how it hurt mom, but paternal role model can prevail in adulthood.If daddy copes by cheating, sons have a higher rate of repeating the behavior in adulthood.

 

daddy, by role-modeling teaches the son how a man acts and copes with life stressors, even if his mother's pain caused him pain and grief.

 

I just know it because I have fought trust issues with women because of my mother. I came very close after my divorce to saying screw and becoming a cheater myself but I never want to become like that. If I did then the people who abused me win. It's not right to punish innocent people because of what a parent did.

[tbf]

And I've often wondered if cheating has some learned component for adults that as kids were products of marriages where infidelity had occurred. Once grown, is it somehow more prominent as an alternative in a struggling marriage?

Where else do children learn about relationships and coping mechanisms besides in their foundational home?

 

So to answer your thread title, absolutely infidelity can begat infidelity. Luckily, there are individuals who can break free from the taint and not cheat.

[3blindmice]

My exW's dad was a philanderer. I remember her telling me a story where, shortly after she got her license, she and her younger sister drove to the other side of town to confront her Dad's OW. Pretty dramatic stuff for a kid.

 

And yet, when the chips were down in our marriage, she cheated on me. And I've often wondered if cheating has some learned component for adults that as kids were products of marriages where infidelity had occurred. Once grown, is it somehow more prominent as an alternative in a struggling marriage?

 

For those of you that are BS's, did your WS have a family history of infidelity? And do you think it contributed to their decision to have an affair? And is the reverse true? If you grew up in a family that had no known infidelity, did that play a part is your commitment to stay true to your marriage even when things were tough?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I'm an other child and born before my parents got married (my mother took some drug to try to abort me).

 

When I was five both my parents caught the other one cheating. My mother had a son that my father adopted. When they split up, my mom was sending me, my older brother, and my younger brother to live with different family members, splitting us kids up. My dad was not happy that she was splitting us kids up so he started fighting the courts to keep us.

 

My mom kidnapped us (dad had temp cousity, sorry can't spell it) and sent us to my grandmother, my dad found us and took off with us.

 

My dad raised us. He was a playboy and cheated on every step mother we had and his affair partners. After my older brother got married and he was given the means to find my mom. My younger brother and I ran away to my mom. She was married and cheated on my step dad.

 

My mom's mom (my grandmother) has been married 10 times (I don't know if she ever cheated but she didn't know how to pick good men), my dad has been married 10 times.

 

I have never cheated in any relationship but every boyfriend did cheat. I got tired of picking cheaters so I picked a man who told me he was a honest man to marry. My husband is a serial cheat but denies he's cheating. At least my ex bfs came clean after confronting them, not my husband though.

 

There's much more but I don't feel this board is a safe haven for BS. Suffice it to say that if a cheater blames it on their childhood, it's just a flimsy excuse.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have never cheated in any relationship but every boyfriend did cheat. I got tired of picking cheaters so I picked a man who told me he was a honest man to marry. My husband is a serial cheat but denies he's cheating. At least my ex bfs came clean after confronting them, not my husband though.

Quite a story, kudos to you for emerging from that back story as a functioning adult.

 

Do you think your family history had something to do with your track record in picking partners ? Seems like you unerringly found unfaithful men...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Snowflower]

Younger children are quite impressionable. The things they see, hear and experience can have a profound impact on them when they get older. Those early experiences often become a subconscious part of them.

 

I think of it like this, and while this might not be true for everyone, it is true for me and some other people I've talked to IRL who were on the receiving end of infidelity...I had a happy childhood and an intact family. My parents had a great marriage. No infidelity (known), no serious dysfunction. Their marriage was my blueprint. It was subconscious, but I automatically assumed I would get the same type of marriage.

 

So when my H cheated, part of what I had to recalibrate myself to was the LOSS of that headstrong, almost innate belief that my marriage was like my parent's. I didn't understand this til recently.

 

Now my H, who experienced the break-up of his family when his mom cheated when he was very young, well, it seems he got a different subconscious blueprint for how to behave in a marriage. He was never told about his mother's infidelity until he was an adult (and married to me), but the impression was there, to be sure.

[tbf]

I think of it like this, and while this might not be true for everyone, it is true for me and some other people I've talked to IRL who were on the receiving end of infidelity...I had a happy childhood and an intact family. My parents had a great marriage. No infidelity (known), no serious dysfunction. Their marriage was my blueprint. It was subconscious, but I automatically assumed I would get the same type of marriage.

Same here!

 

So when my H cheated, part of what I had to recalibrate myself to was the LOSS of that headstrong, almost innate belief that my marriage was like my parent's. I didn't understand this til recently.

Same as well. It's a form of double vision (a form of cognitive dissonance) until you finally stop subconsciously denying and believe that the infidelity has happened, that your H isn't the man you thought he was.

[Snowflower]

Same here!

 

Same as well. It's a form of double vision (a form of cognitive dissonance) until you finally stop subconsciously denying and believe that the infidelity has happened, that your H isn't the man you thought he was.

 

Yeah, it was cognitive dissonance but it was more complex than that, at least for me. I had a hard time giving up on my marriage and coming to the realization that my H wasn't who I thought he was because of that engrained blueprint from early on. I was stubbon and tenancious. That and the fact he was a good, faithful husband for a lot of years.

[3blindmice]

Quite a story, kudos to you for emerging from that back story as a functioning adult.

 

Do you think your family history had something to do with your track record in picking partners ? Seems like you unerringly found unfaithful men...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I think it did have a lot to do with my choices in men.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think it did have a lot to do with my choices in men.

 

Sort of ties in to my original question. Amongst the many good reasons to not cheat on your marriage is that it may affect your child's chances of being involved - as the victim or perpetrator - in the same situation ...

 

Mr. Lucky