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Complicated Situation


DeepLatin Queen

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DeepLatin Queen

Wel where do I start..........

 

I have been married for 3 years now. Right after our first anniversary, my husband was going through a routine physical exam and tested positive for HIV. Now I now that he contracted it abotu 6 months before we met. I decided to stay. We were in love, there were no questions about it. I tested negative and remain negative to this day. I am telling you all this cause i think all these things have lead me to where i am now. Confused. Last month I thought I was pregnate and had a miscarriage. This event changes my entire thought process.

 

My "friend" I'll call him Mr E. I have known him for years. 3 years to be exact. He is the brother of a close guy friend. The younger brother. I am 26, Mr. E is 21. I have never had an affair but I think we are leading to one. This boy is a man. He only dates older women, so i have no violated him. lol Anyways, a month ago I was helping bartend at a club that his bro DJ's at. I have no idea how any of this happened. I just considered him the brother than always was around, nothing more. Well something more did happen.

 

They live about 10 blocks from me, and it was late so I asked him to ride home with me cause I had some to drink. We went back to his house cause i wanted to smoke some maryjane. anyways. That night we talked and flirted for 3 hours. Since then it has been a whirlwind. We talk everyday and we meet in places just to kiss and talk. He's told me he loved me. and i know i love him, even though I have not said it. When we touch fingers there is static, electricity. The entire situation is so comfortable. We talk about everything. I love to spend time with him. I will be honest with you I am not physially attracted to him. He is over weight. Not that i am thin. But I always tended to date thin men in the past. Anyways i have no idea what to do- We share the same religious background which connects us more than i thought it would.

 

So now i feel so confused and frustrated. My husband is a wonderful man. i love him. But I feel so distant from him. I am scared of my future with him. I don't know what to do. My first instinct says stay with husband cause I am not going to leave him alone with this disease. Then the other side of me says WTF. Whatever man. I know i can not have my cake and eat it too. But i'd love to have Mr E for a lifetime. I wish I could ask him to wait for me- But damn that could be years. And now i sound liek a evil bitch cause I don't want anything to happen to my husband. We feel that we are soulmates or destiny or soem sort. Who knows that to do?

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It sounds to me like you weren't ready to marry so soon at the age of 23. You are hurting your husband by cheating behind his back so it's too late to not spare him any pain.

 

Why do you feel so distant from your husband? Does he not fufill you emotionally and that's why you are seeking this from the other guy? You need to make a decision. If you still love your husband, then make an effort to repair what your relationship is lacking. If you don't want to bother, then divorce him. You'll be doing him a favor since he doesn't deserve a cheating wife. He has other great worries in his future with his disease.

 

You do have to make a choice. You cannot go on this way forever...

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DeepLatinQueen

I think i was ready for marriage even though we did rush into it. We have been through soooo much. i just did not think thatI'd have to deal with this. Who is ready to deal with such a disease? I have not slept with the man. I just enjoy his company at present. and kiss....... I know i am cheating even though I am not having sex. I love my husband but I am scared of what I wil have to face. I do not deal well with Loss and Dealth. And yes I do look for emotional support acceptance from this man. Noone knows of DH diagnosis, Just me. He makes me smile when there is nothing to smile at, at home.My husband is very judgemental towards others. How could he be......would he like people to judge him because he is positive. I am not a cheat. and i do nto want to bring him pain. But does his happiness equal my sadness? I have always made others happy before me. What about

me.?

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I have deep sympathy for your situation. I understand that you feel torn between being there for your husband and a feeling of longing with this other man. However I must say that you are putting yourself at risk by having intimate (sexual) contact with your husband that is unprotected. He is HIV positive and you had mentioned that you thought that you might have been pregnant but miscarried.

 

My husband had an affair that was unprotected and I had to go to the doctor and get tested for STD's, thankfully they all came back negative, however I will have to get checked every six months for the next year for the HIV virus and that is scary to me. I can't imagine actually purposefully putting my self at risk such as you have.

 

My point with this post is that whatever you decide to do you must make sure that you are not putting your self or anyone else at risk of contacting this non judge mental disease

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So if he found out you were cheating on him that would be less painful than you asking him for a divorce? My bets are you don't care about his feelings as much as you care about losing face. Doesn't mean your a bad person. This is your life. Live it, but be honest about it. Don't say how much you love a guy you are intending to screw around on. That doesn't line up.

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DeepLatinQueen

Devasted, thanks ro understanding a little bit. You see before he was diagnosed we had been tring to concieve. Then afterwards we started using condoms for a while and it was a real slap of reality.

 

I freaked and said that i did not want to use protection anymore. i was in a stage of "it would be easier if i had it" Then i go out of that stage and we talked to the doctors about us still having a baby. My husband is healthy. and his detection levels are non existant. So we decided to continue to have sex during my firtile time.

 

Well at the end we figured well We're doing it anyways so what the hell. Then it started getting to me. So i wrote Dh a letter saying something to the fact of not caring about me cause he is putting me at risk. He was very upset and I hurt him. But we never talked about it again. I am goign to tell him today to get the rubbers. Cause i just got my 6 month test back .....still negatiave. And I no longer want to take these risk. So thank you for the advice.

 

GoodToGo, you don't know me so try not to judge me. It woudl be more painful to find that i was cheating true- I don;t care what peole think of me- I don't care if i lose face. And I am not intending to screw anyone. My life is more than I can handle right now.

 

Have you ever known what you want but can never really have it. Or have you ever felt so happy in life that it seems unimaginable and then the bomb drops- not a little one a big one. One that changes ever moment of our lives. It has and is happenign to me. For the last 2 years i live in a hole. i hole of confusion, depressions and tears. i am 26 years old and it feels like my future is on hold.

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You sound definitely confused alright. You contradict yourself at every turn. You said you were ready for marriage and then admitted you rushed into it. Rushing into it would not indiciate you were ready. Then you say you know you are cheating followed by you saying you are not a cheat.

 

We all face life changing/devastating moments in our lives and sometimes act out accordingly. However, you are now AWARE of what you are doing which must bring on the next step to healing. Decide what you want to do about it. You cannot continue on like this. You NEED to make a decision.

 

You married your husband for better or for worse, so start acting like it. We never expect tragedies in our lives but when they do occur we must handle them like an adult. Kissing (which IS cheating) and getting involved emotionally with another man is NOT the answer. You are using him as a crutch to help you get through this difficult time. That doesn't change your situation, now does it??

 

You have to weigh the pros and cons of the situation. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. You married your husband and it seems as though you aren't choosing to stand by him. Has he changed since the diagnosis? Does he not treat you the same way?

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DeepLatinQueen

Yes I am confused. And Yes I am making comments that contradict themselves. Let me explain a little. I am the person everyone hates because i am the preacher of fidelity. Apparently I can never say anything to anyone anymore, since that woudl make me two faced- and I am not that. As far as the ready for marriage. Mayeb yoru right i was not ready for it. We met and married in 5 months. So yes i guess we did rush.

 

And you are very right i do need to make a decision. What would you do? If you were 26 and married for 3 years and life what not what we ever in our worst nightmares what you expected.

 

I am not the type of person that wants her cake and eats it too- I'd much rather leave the best for last. Has he changed since his diagnosis? Well yes i guess he has. We both have. Since his diagnosis, DH is impossible to please- Just recently, I planned a 30th B'day cruise for him and 15 of his friend and family. He had a blast. I on the other hand felt so alone, because of something usually insensitive he said and of course did. He decided he did not want to talk to me. So from midnight on Saterday until 8pm the next Sunday. he did not say anything to me all day. I was so hurt that i would plan something for so long and there I was alone on the boat crying and wondering why i keep trying. Of course at dinner time 8pm- I told him that I was tired of it and to just try and make this a good evening so i can go to bed decently.

 

Anyways everyone. Thanks so much for all your words. I may not agree with them all. and you may not agree with what i say. But noone know the shoes i walk in and won't until you walk in them yourself. I have decided to take one day at a time. I told DH about the condoms, he got upset (why would he?) But i am decided no rubber no coochie. I am definatly not ready for a baby or for anything else. Maybe i'll just run away one day. One day at a time. Everythign will be ok. I must trust this. I must beleive that God will give me the strength to make the right decision. I do beleive that I am in love with Mr. E, we had a long talk last night about chillin out and if it was meant to me it will be. I told him that if I leave my husband it will not be because of another man that it will be because I need to and the marriage is over. But fr now i am staying where i am - Taking it day by day and seeing what the next 2 years will bring.

 

Bye Everyone- Thanks again

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  • 1 month later...
DeepLatinQueen

UPDATE.......

 

Well it's been over a month since my last post. Alot has changed and at the same time nothign has changed. The relationship with Mr. E. became sexual. We have become closer by the day. I have told DH that I was planning on moving out in December and that i needed a speration. He suspects that i am cheating. I started to go to therapy. It's all been tough because i still love my husband and I do not want to hurt him and I do not want him to feel alone. I want to remain his friend for a lifetime. He has been my best friend for years. I miss him at times. Other times I am rarely home. I wish he could just do something out of the ordinary and sweep me off my feet. Run away together. Anyways things will neer be the same anymore. I told him I loved him but I just can't be married to him. It's going to be hard. And i will probably regret it. But what is done is done. Please God be with us all.

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