Lost my cellphone....

[jnel921]

last night on my way home from work I lost my cellphone on my train.. I had mixed emotions about it as I had all of the texts and photos that were the constant reminders of what my H did.

 

I spoke to my H about this and he said that if that was the case he was glad I lost it and shouldn't spend my time torturing myself. He kept professing his love and apologizing for all of the hurt he has caused me.

 

I am not sure if maybe this was a blessing. We are trying to reconcile but I wasn't willing to let these go. I feel as if god made this choice for me. I had nightmares last night and dreamt that my husband was seeing not just one but 5 women.

 

I am going to the lost and found today to see if my phone turns up. I can't believe the loss of my phone has me in such a state.

 

Anyone here still holding on to the evidence?

[NotCamelot]

Been there - still there. I completely understand how you feel and why.

 

But, I have also learned, in the last few days, that it is best that we let this stuff go, regardless of whether you stay with your spouse or not. Each time I see the evidence it starts the pain all over again. I don't want to feel that way anymore. Surely you don't want to revisit that hurt, do you.

 

You should look at this like it's a blessing.....IF you are staying together.

 

Now, for those choosing divorce, you need that evidence safeguarded for a long time, long after the legal stuff is done. Give it to the lawyer and have him put it in your file.

 

But, yes, I have mine here at work. And have looked it a lot over the last 9 months. But it leaves here today and will be stored at home......and yes my W knows, and knows that's what I am doing.

 

I think that not seeing the evidence anymore is going to be a tremendous help with the healing process.

[Spark1111]

yes, Still have all the cell phone record, bank statements, early emails, locked in a desk drawer at work. But I am by nature, a chronicler and former writer and save correspondence of any kind.

 

however if it was lost, stolen, or an ACT of God took it away, I too would look at it as meant to be.

[Journee]

Oh yes. You are not alone.

 

I still have the texts between OW and myself. I'm pretty sure I will never forget her number. After seeing it hundreds of times on my bill , it's pretty well in the vault.

 

I also sometimes go back and read the messages from H to me during that time. I'm not proud of it but I'm in a bad place now and need constant reassurance. I can't bring myself to delete any of it. F#*%n husband of mine. Do they ever grasp the pain they bring on the BS? Apparently neither of the AP's give a hoot about the BS. That has been made blazingly obvious from my reading here. I am jacked up and obsessive. Hoarding proof of adultery. Is this my life now? Really? Is this really any of our lives?

 

I'm sorry for the t/j ....bad , bad day. Worse week....

[Ninja'sHusband]

I have it all on my home PC and even some at work. Though I'm divorcing. I also could login to my ex's deactivated FB account and get the main conversation that proves everything again anytime I want since I know the PWord. She could have changed it by now and deleted everything but I really doubt it. Anyway it's moot cause I copied everything of interest from the server.

[SmokeRat]

I'm the same as Ninja.

 

I have all their texts, emails, skype conversations, keylogger logs, whatsapp texts, everything. All stored nice and neatly on a 500gig External Harddrive locked up in my firelocker at work.

 

I also have photographs of other 'acts' that I've confiscated and put into a safety deposit box. All of this, is in the event of a divorce I can just place it all in a court of law, and do the whole "watchu talkin' bout Willis?"

 

As much as I am healing from the affair, and my wife and I are working todays a good place, I will never, ever, give up that ammunition. It will stay safety locked away, and ready to use in the event of anything else going down.

[Cali408]

People please, if you are willing to forgive and move on, put it in a safe place and never look at it unless you need evidence for divorce.

 

Stop torturing yourselves. Reminders will only prolong the agony.

[SmokeRat]

And I've stated numerous times, that I will not have an affair. Ever. And never have.

 

Unlike you, I live my life by a set of laws and codes my father drilled into my head.

 

My father would beat me to death, if he ever found out I had an affair. I do not even want to think about what my Fire Chief would do to me, if A). he found I had an affair or B). I had an affair on my wife, with another hall mate.

 

I also dislike the 'mentoring' part. That's my job, and I do not mix that with anything else.

 

You attack the character of someone who lives by a code of honour that's been my life for 28 years. You're attacking the character that would rather burn to death, than let someone else do the same. You accuse me of having the same morally corrupted thought process as you.

 

Am I going to use it as a get out of jail free card? No, I'm not. I'm going to use it to completely and utterly destroy two people, if they ever cross that line again.

[sweet_pea]

People please, if you are willing to forgive and move on, put it in a safe place and never look at it unless you need evidence for divorce.

 

Stop torturing yourselves. Reminders will only prolong the agony.

 

Getting rid of the records isn't going to stop the 'torture' or 'agony.' That will always be there, in BS' minds with or without the cell phone records and chat logs. Just thought you should know.

[SmokeRat]

I'd also like to add that I hold myself to higher level of accountability. Anything I do in my real life, reflects on my professional one.

 

If I have an affair, I'm the firefighter that was running around on his wife. Because that looks REAL GOOD, when I'm applying to an Officer Position.

 

If I have an affair, I have to look at my family and admit that I'm a coward. Something that doesn't run well in my family. We're Irish.

 

You're the very thing, married couples loath. And your the very thing I'd never allow myself to ever turn into, I couldn't live with myself.

 

I'm not sure how you can live with yourself, when your joy is derived from taking it from someone else.

 

But hey, your taxes pay my salary like everyone else. So I owe you that at least.

[SmokeRat]

Figure it this way.

 

You may be a fully functioning, good person outside of what you did or are currently continuing to do. And there is no doubt in my mind, that if you were a victim in a building on fire, I'd help you. Even knowing what I know. Because I am that bound by my love to save lives.

 

Outside of that, I wouldn't give you the time of day. You are the very creature that crept into my marriage, and helped nearly destroy it. I hold my wife 50/50 for what happened. The difference is, you've been able to avoid the MOW, while my wife's little **** buddy, couldn't avoid me.

 

I'm not nice to you, because you are everything that is opposite to how I was raised. And I have no tolerance for people who cannot live with honour and honesty. I cannot respect you.

 

Again, you may be a nice person, hell, for all I know maybe your my brother/sister in a Hall across the globe.

 

As for having an emotional affair, that little 'cutie' has been shot down by me. I've pulled rank and she knows her place. And she'll know her place until a time where she is not a probational. I was flattered by her advance, and my wife has made well aware of her advance towards me.

 

I understand your lash back to me, and I hold no hard feelings against that. I can at least respect you enough to have a backbone to take a stand, however morally misguided it may be.

[Spark1111]

People please, if you are willing to forgive and move on, put it in a safe place and never look at it unless you need evidence for divorce.

 

Stop torturing yourselves. Reminders will only prolong the agony.

 

I disagree!

 

my H's affair was NOT my first traumatic event in my life, and I have learned that for me, there is no way around...ONLY THROUGH the fire to completely heal.

 

So I stared and re-read until their communication ceased to have ANY effect on me.

 

in fact, as I grew stronger, their texts, cell phone convos and emails began to take on a silly, over the top, drama of a high school Harlequin romance novel.

 

I a smile today at the adolescence quality of it all.

 

I am healed.

[Spark1111]

I'm the same as Ninja.

 

I have all their texts, emails, skype conversations, keylogger logs, whatsapp texts, everything. All stored nice and neatly on a 500gig External Harddrive locked up in my firelocker at work.

 

I also have photographs of other 'acts' that I've confiscated and put into a safety deposit box. All of this, is in the event of a divorce I can just place it all in a court of law, and do the whole "watchu talkin' bout Willis?"

 

As much as I am healing from the affair, and my wife and I are working todays a good place, I will never, ever, give up that ammunition. It will stay safety locked away, and ready to use in the event of anything else going down.

 

Me neither smoke rat. it is, unfortunately a very real and painful part of my life and no, I do not need to destroy it to know that I have healed and moved on from it.

[Spark1111]

People please, if you are willing to forgive and move on, put it in a safe place and never look at it unless you need evidence for divorce.

 

Stop torturing yourselves. Reminders will only prolong the agony.

 

Cali, the evidence doesn't torture me.....never did.

 

The acts by him and his OW did torture me, and burning the evidence of it will not undo that betrayal.

 

if they didn't care enough about me to inform, care about me then, what difference does keeping or tossing the evidence out now make?

[Spark1111]

People please, if you are willing to forgive and move on, put it in a safe place and never look at it unless you need evidence for divorce.

 

Stop torturing yourselves. Reminders will only prolong the agony.

 

oh no...the evidence and proof doesn't torturemehalfas much as his and his OW'sblatant disregard and disrespect for me during the affair.

 

Whether I toss or preserve pieces of paper.....NOTHING compares to the betrayal and pain of THEIRACTIONS....nothing.

[Journee]

Me neither smoke rat. it is, unfortunately a very real and painful part of my life and no, I do not need to destroy it to know that I have healed and moved on from it.

 

 

I thought I was the only one. I have a compulsion to read and re read texts from that time. I want to let them go. I want to not care to look. It's maddening. I am hoping my return to work from maternity leave will distract me.

 

Do you have any advice about how to squelch the desire to revisit that time? I just want to forget just for one day.

[SmokeRat]

I still look at the texts and things from time to time.

 

I've learned to channel the anger and rage I have for my wife and the OM into something positive. I use it to motivate me to push hard at work, and to push even harder at the gym.

 

Is it healthy for me to be using their affair to motivate me? Probably, just not in the way I'm doing it by re-reading all their texts, emails and watching their skype conversations.

 

But it will always be there. My wifes knows this and so does the OM. He especially knows how devastating it would be if all those skype conversations came out, along with the pictures of his pecker.

 

Use these items as leverage, you're in charge now. You hold all the power. What you decide to do with all the information is up to you. Me, I'm all for exposure to the 10th degree and then some.

[Spark1111]

I thought I was the only one. I have a compulsion to read and re read texts from that time. I want to let them go. I want to not care to look. It's maddening. I am hoping my return to work from maternity leave will distract me.

 

Do you have any advice about how to squelch the desire to revisit that time? I just want to forget just for one day.

 

it fades in time....but every now and then I'd trigger overadate, a weekend, a night he wasn't home under the guise of working late, and I tear it all out and examine the records...and it had become strangely a comfort to realize my intuition is correct now!

 

As we have rebuilt a better, stronger marriage, the re-visiting becomes much less painful.

 

if anything! I am stronger than he is today. He hates his actions at that time. he can barely stand to re-visit any of it as he remains deeply ashamed of it to this day.

 

it all just re-I forces that his affair had NOTHING to do with me but something deeply lacking within heand his OW. he can barely here her name without total disdain for her.

 

I wish he was stronger.

[NotCamelot]

He hates his actions at that time. he can barely stand to re-visit any of it as he remains deeply ashamed of it to this day.

 

it all just re-I forces that his affair had NOTHING to do with me but something deeply lacking within heand his OW. he can barely here her name without total disdain for her.

 

Love that. I am already, 9 months past d-day, seeing exactly that in my W as well. She gets physically ill when the subject comes up. And this is fairly recent - this reaction started about 3 months ago.

 

And, I find that as it affects her more, I feel less need to revisit the subject or re-visit all the data I have secured.

[Cali408]

Spark, I'm not trying to touch a nerve. I just wouldn't want to look at it. It might make YOU stronger, but for others, it's obsessive. People need to move on and forward. If you want to FORGIVE your spouse, reliving it over and over won't. If you want to kick them to the curb, can't help you.

 

Smoke Rat, don't fall off your soap box.

[Steen719]

I found that during and after, I had to remind myself just what had happened. I am, by nature, forgiving. I read the messages to remind myself how he lied to me and why. I also reread the messages from OW to remind me of what he said about me. I found (find) that in weak moments, it helps remind me that leaving him was the right thing to do. The other thing it does for me is that it is an indicator of how far I have come.

 

I would not say it prolongs the torture at all. On the contrary, it helps me. But that is me...not saying it is right for everyone.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I almost never look at those messages anymore. I have them yes, but it's not like I go reading them everyday. In the last 6 months I think I've referred to them like 2x to make sure I was being accurate when posting here about something from my past.

 

If anything is a reminder and a trigger for me, it's coming here day after day. You could yell at me for that and I *might* agree. But this is such a good place to vent and to feel like sometimes I'm helping someone else out. Take -->this <--- thread for instance

Edited February 15, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[nofool4u]

You attack the character of someone who lives by a code of honour that's been my life for 28 years. You're attacking the character that would rather burn to death, than let someone else do the same. You accuse me of having the same morally corrupted thought process as you.

 

Best to just consider the source and ignore it as I've recently learned.

[screwedovertwenty]

When the OW sent me her picture, one of my coworkers told me that I needed to get that off my phone. I agreed. I had already sent the picture and all the messages to my best friend. I texted her and told her to save that picture for me because I needed to not have it on my phone. I didn't delete it though. I couldn't.

 

I upgraded phones a few weeks ago and was so worried about losing all the texts from her. I downloaded an app that saves messages and transfered everything to the new phone. They are not in with the regular messages. I have to go to the app to look at them. I still have the old phone and have looked at them a few times, but strangely enough, not obsessivly. I tend to be obsessive.

[jnel921]

I don't think we will divorce but re-reading that stuff or looking at pics was really messing with my mind and heart.

 

I have an IPad that I care about more and never felt the need to transfer evidence onto that.

 

I put in a ticket in the lost and found today. if that phone finds its way back to me, I am in for more torture....lol

 

Smokerat, your wife is trying. I doubt you will need your evidence.