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Trying to reconcile and hitting some road bumps...


jnel921

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Things have gotten better, however I still hurt.

 

My husband has started sending me poems daily since the start of the new year and will surprise me now and then with flowers.

 

I decided to stop going to MC because I hated reliving the situation and my H seemed to be agreeable with all that the MC suggested.

 

The counselor warned my H of my moods and behavior. I questioned him recently about his whereabouts and he got upset and asked how long will he have to deal with this. I told him that maybe he should have taken notes in MC. obviously he didn't listen. I told him that we weren't there yet. it's only been 3 months since D Day.

 

I won't go back to MC. If my H decides to behave the same way as before he will find himself alone. Right now I need some space.He needs to decide how he will respond to everything going forward. He thinks I am being ridiculous, but I can't help feeling this way.

 

Staying in after the devastation is tough. I feel it's harder since I haven't told anyone about this. So it's pretty much bottled up inside.

 

Thank you all for listening and sharing. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this outlet.

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You do know, don't you that MC isn't DESIGNED to keep you together?

That's not the true focus.

 

What is it you want from him that he's not giving you....?

 

(Going to check your 'history.... BRB.....)

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Okay.... skimmed some threads....

 

First of all, I think you need IC.

 

because I believe that all in all, you may be seeking ways of staying with your H. But for the wrong reasons.

 

Staying with him, because the kids don't want to see you divorced - is not a good enough or adequate reason. No way, by far, it isn't.

 

This man lied repeatedly to you, and cheated, and would happily have gone on doing so, behind your back, perpetuating this subterfuge, until the cows came home - had the OW not rung you to reveal all. Had you not heard from her, he would still be gaily planting it elsewhere, even now.

 

He's doing everything he can to placate you, because he wants to salvage the wreck and convince you he's sincere.

But I believe this is to make himself feel better. This isn't for your benefit - this is to alleviate his own guilt.

 

Do you Trust him?

 

Do you Respect him?

 

Have you lost sight of yourself, and who you are, what your standards are, what your boundaries are...?

Do you have Self-Respect?

 

What do you want to achieve?

To what end are you making all these efforts?

 

Why are you still with him?

What qualities is he proving to you, undeniably, are still evident to make him worth staying with?

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3 months since Dday, no more MC, and he wants to know how long this is going to go on? Is there an infinity sign on this keyboard somewhere?

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Joel....just something to ponder...

 

Often the times we do not want to go to counseling are as telling, if not more so, then the days we go.

 

examine that, please.

 

plus, we both had to spend time in IC before I was ready to go to MC. I wasn't ready.

 

three months is real early to throw in the towel on your part and on his.

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Thanks for your replies.

 

Love, trust and respect? I guess I do love him as that is the only reason I am agreeable to trying to build us up again.

 

Trust and respect are not there yet. While I do not feel the need to know his whereabouts 24/7 I will randomly check. It was this one time and his reaction that upset me. We did have a conversation this weekend after I wrote this post to make him aware of how I was feeling.

 

I made it clear how I felt and how I will not allow myself to feel. I think he got the picture. He apologized for making me feel this way.

 

I don't think IC would help me. I did 5 years worth with my first H. I recognize these feelings. The difference is that I stayed this time. I did t do it for my kids. I stayed because he convinced me that he was remorseful and that he wanted to make this work. He admitted that it was a mistake to hurt me the way he did.

 

Of course I don't care for that word. Affairs are not mistakes, I would say his was premeditated with plenty of intentions. Which I beleive is the case for everyone here who has been hurt by their spouse. Regardless of the definitions our WS gives, there has to be a way to get past it and move forward.

 

I am only 3 months out. The hurt is still fresh. But I am seriously over the whole "they had sex" part. My hang up is the fact that we are now broken. that he looked at and felt the need to be with someone else. I guess it's me feeling that I wasn't enough. That hurts.

 

I know I am a good woman. I am 100 times the woman that tramp could ever wish to be. I honestly feel sorry for her delusional a$$. I am sure my H was attracted to her physically but what came out of that mouth was something left to be desired.

 

I am sure we will get through this. The MC did tell us to expect these situations and to talk them out, which we have. I may suggest IC to my H who admitted to me that he is finding it difficult to deal with the guilt and shame of what he did and he doesn't know what else to do to show me how sorry he is.

 

We are working through this. it's tough. I am putting this out there for anyone who finds themselves in my position. it can be great and it can be sad at the same time. But it will talks some time I feel for me to be able to look into his eyes and tell him how deeply I love him.

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The counselor warned my H of my moods and behavior. I questioned him recently about his whereabouts and he got upset and asked how long will he have to deal with this.

 

You might say, although differently than I might put it(or maybe not;)) "As long as it f****g takes, since you have given me something to think about for the rest of my life"

 

 

I told him that maybe he should have taken notes in MC. obviously he didn't listen. I told him that we weren't there yet. it's only been 3 months since D Day.

 

 

OMG, only 3 months and he expects to get off that easily and quickly? Uh it will probably take a couple of years.

 

If your H has this attitude, I'd seriously consider making him and xH. He doesn't deserve a wife, or any woman for that matter.

 

How crazy do you think he would go and be angry if you were to go out and ride another man for all he is worth? Trust me, he'd probably never get over it.

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Hi Jnel!

 

In reading your other thread, you had said that you left your first husband due to infidelity. So..if that was a dealbreaker in your previous relationship, then why isn't it now?

 

I'm not sticking up for OW, but without her confession you wouldn't ever know your husband was cheating. So although it hurts, would you have rathered he go on cheating and you never know about it?

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Your husband will have to understand that it takes as long as YOU say it takes. Just because HE feels enough is enough, doesn't mean enough is enough.

 

Basically, what he wants is for you to move on - at his pace - and get over it, so he doesn't think he's getting his hide whupped all the time.

Well suck it up, buster.

You break it, then it's going to take time to fix it.

 

Restoring something fragile and vulnerable takes time, effort and the right materials.

 

Hurrying 'restoration' does this.

 

It just makes a bigger, worse mess, and the "Original article" is spoiled and ruined for good.

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You guys rock.

 

yes Nofoolforu, he will certainly be an xH if he doesn't realize he gave me plenty to think about. If the shoes were on the other foot he'd go nuts.

 

Tara, my xH was a jerk. He neither admitted or denied an affair...not even until this very day. He just divorced his current wife because he cheated on her too.

 

He was happy to go. We went to MC and he told the counselor he didn't love me.

I caught him in lies, he had a woman's number taped to his pager. He was ridiculous. What traumatized me more was being single mom with a one year old and six months pregnant.

 

I didn't go back, didn't want him back. My H was totally different. I wished he would have told me. He was going to but couldn't find the nerve. He was relieved when I knew the truth.

 

I just don't need anymore situations like this. There will be no second chances, trust me.

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I just don't need anymore situations like this. There will be no second chances, trust me.

 

Stick to that! Make it clear to him that he will lose you if he doesn't get his act together.

 

I agree with the others though that the pain is still fresh. Give it time, but also don't let your husband off the hook if he isn't doing what he needs to be doing!

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