BrokenandSorry Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Please do not pour salt into the wounds. I know what I did was wrong. I have taken responsibility. I thought I would be ok but I am not. I have been beating myself up for over a year now about my mistakes. But to see their engagement picture today...I wish the world would've ended cause that would hurt less than this. How do I move forward? I obviously didn't care about that when I was cheating I know but now...now I am just broken:(. I am in a dark place and hurt so much. Has anyone ever been on this side? Will i ever forgive myself for losing the love of my life? Link to post Share on other sites
sayyes19 Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Please do not pour salt into the wounds. I know what I did was wrong. I have taken responsibility. I thought I would be ok but I am not. I have been beating myself up for over a year now about my mistakes. But to see their engagement picture today...I wish the world would've ended cause that would hurt less than this. How do I move forward? I obviously didn't care about that when I was cheating I know but now...now I am just broken:(. I am in a dark place and hurt so much. Has anyone ever been on this side? Will i ever forgive myself for losing the love of my life? Would you be willing to educate other women on the dangers of getting to that dark place? I have found that when most people hit bottom the best thing they can do is help other people. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 I think the fact that he is moving forward with his life hurts you more than the fact 'you lost him'. I don't think you should forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is just a way to make the pain go away, but it is in the grand scheme of things something that will stop you from learning the lesson in this. So don't forgive yourself, read on the subject so that when you get remarried you won't end up making the same mistake again. It could also help to actually write down the whole history of this, how it happened and do some form of critical analysis on your actions. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 (edited) For what it's worth, I'm sorry to hear about what you are going thru. I feel for anyone who has lost their marriage. As for forgiving yourself, I doubt you are a bad person. I suppose there are some truly "bad" people in the world but for the most part, they are few and far between. The way I look at it is that there are good and bad decisions. We all make them. The larger question becomes more about what are you doing now. If you are learning from your mistakes and trying to do your best to prevent a reoccurence and trying to make up for them, your mistakes no longer define you. As has been mentioned, I recommend you dig deep to determine why you broke your vows. Go past the surface answers (I was drunk, he came onto me, we had marital problems, etc) as those won't help you. I suspect that you would agree that your decision to cheat went against your own standards. It was selfish, cowardly, unethical, unhealthy, and destructive. So, again, why would you do that? It's not even a logical choice to solve anything. Typically what I see is that waywards either have an excessive need for external validation, an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or are extremely conflict avoidant. These are issues that typically stem from your childhood/family of origin. If you can determine your "why," you're much less likely to choose this unhealthy coping mechanism in the future. You'll have learned from your mistakes. You'll be more deserving of trust in the future. If you go a step further and commit to living a more authentic life, then your affair and your past choices need no longer define you. Again, in my mind, how you deal with your mistakes is more of a reflection of your character than having made the mistakes in the first place. I would make this a focus of individual counseling. If there is anything remaining you can do for your ex, I would recommend that as well. It would mean something to me if my exwife were to give me some closure (some truth or perhaps a real apology) but, alas, it ain't gonna happen. Unfortunately, we can't always escape the consequences of our mistakes. You've paid a heavy price for yours. I suspect it wasn't pleasant for your ex either. But I think you can be happy that he has found someone and I think you can take steps like the ones above to allow you to forgive yourself. Then I think you can move into another relationship feeling that you also deserve to have a happy life and a good relationship. Forgiveness can be earned; go earn it and then cut yourself a break. Edited December 23, 2012 by BetrayedH 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toddbt12y1 Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Cheating is far, far from a mistake. Once you realize that, and in time yes it can go away. Just stop. It is possible, hard, but possible. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Cheating is far, far from a mistake. Once you realize that, and in time yes it can go away. Just stop. It is possible, hard, but possible. I certainly agree but sometimes the word "mistake" can be appropriate if it is meant to indicate remorse and an acknowledgment that it was a poor decision. I'm far more offended when it's phrased as "it just happened" or that it was an "accident." She didn't slip, trip, and land on the other man's penis. There were a lot of stop signs along the way and a lot of conscious choices to blow right through them. Those decisions need to be analyzed. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 B and S, why did you not attempt to recover the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 What was it that caused you to cheat after being married for only a year? Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 I certainly agree but sometimes the word "mistake" can be appropriate if it is meant to indicate remorse and an acknowledgment that it was a poor decision. I'm far more offended when it's phrased as "it just happened" or that it was an "accident." She didn't slip, trip, and land on the other man's penis. There were a lot of stop signs along the way and a lot of conscious choices to blow right through them. Those decisions need to be analyzed. Kidd, you know I'm with you but I disagree on this kind of 'phraseology'. Perhaps people would take notice better to someone who states; "I've made my share of bad decisions" instead of "I've made my share of mistakes." The latter takes a discernible edge off, wouldn't you say? OP, we don't cheat on the love of our life...if such a thing exists. Better for you to carry this message on to others who can benefit by hearing it. That, and owning your past actions are the only good things to come from it. Don't be surprised if you're tuned out. Most people learn the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Kidd, you know I'm with you but I disagree on this kind of 'phraseology'. Perhaps people would take notice better to someone who states; "I've made my share of bad decisions" instead of "I've made my share of mistakes." The latter takes a discernible edge off, wouldn't you say? Yeah, I think we're all basically saying the same thing. As a BS in the early days, I didn't care for the word, mistake, either. Does seem to minimize it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 Please do not pour salt into the wounds. I know what I did was wrong. I have taken responsibility. I thought I would be ok but I am not. I have been beating myself up for over a year now about my mistakes. But to see their engagement picture today...I wish the world would've ended cause that would hurt less than this. How do I move forward? I obviously didn't care about that when I was cheating I know but now...now I am just broken:(. I am in a dark place and hurt so much. Has anyone ever been on this side? Will i ever forgive myself for losing the love of my life? How did he find out about your cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 I agree with DuckSoup. The fact that your exH has moved on to another happy relationship should be something you feel good about and something that perhaps can alleviate your guilt a little. Would you rather that he still be broken and destroyed by your affair? Or do you love him enough to at least be a little happy that you didn't completely ruin him for life. Another poster said you should never forgive yourself because if you never forgive yourself you will never do the same thing to another person. I strongly disagree. You will actually have to forgive yourself before you will ever be able to be a good partner to anyone else. People who carry guilt and self-loathing are toxic and destructive to themselves and anyone else who loves them. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night. It's not something we can grant ourselves or others just because we know we should. It's a process and you need to start that process by getting counselling so you can understand why you destroyed your marriage. Take your lessons from that as an opportunity to become a more mature authentic trustworthy person. As you work towards this, acceptance and forgiveness will naturally follow. Your marriage is over, your exhusband has moved on and he isn't coming back. Wallowing in self pity is not going to change that and it doesn't allow you to fully take responsibility for your actions. Use this as the catalyst to turn your self around and get on a better path. It's time for you to move forward as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted December 23, 2012 Share Posted December 23, 2012 I agree with DuckSoup. The fact that your exH has moved on to another happy relationship should be something you feel good about and something that perhaps can alleviate your guilt a little. Would you rather that he still be broken and destroyed by your affair? Or do you love him enough to at least be a little happy that you didn't completely ruin him for life. That's the key. She feels this bad because she sees her former man moving on, his happines is causing her pain. It is obviously a need for control on her part, that still extends to him. Forgiving at this point would help her short term, but long term ... i'm afraid the cycle will just repeat itself. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. So before forgiveness she must understand history, she must go down to the very core of her being and see why is she sad that he is moving on, and what caused her to be like that ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Sorry you're hurting.. That's tough to see that your ex has moved on, as painful as that is for you, it's something that is out of your hands. My suggestion is, to grieve him and forgive yourself. Get counseling to help you cope with the mistakes and choices you made in the past so you can heal and find love again with someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
firstandlast Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 Please do not pour salt into the wounds. I know what I did was wrong. I have taken responsibility. I thought I would be ok but I am not. I have been beating myself up for over a year now about my mistakes. But to see their engagement picture today...I wish the world would've ended cause that would hurt less than this. How do I move forward? I obviously didn't care about that when I was cheating I know but now...now I am just broken:(. I am in a dark place and hurt so much. Has anyone ever been on this side? Will i ever forgive myself for losing the love of my life? If this is real, I apologize in advance. But this really seems like a troll to me. It's almost too good -- what every BS wants to happen. And he got over the cheating, divorce, started dating, and got engaged in a year? Again, if this is real, I'm sorry for your pain and thanks for posting this as an object lesson. But I'm not buying it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 27, 2012 Share Posted December 27, 2012 Please do not pour salt into the wounds. I know what I did was wrong. I have taken responsibility. I thought I would be ok but I am not. I have been beating myself up for over a year now about my mistakes. But to see their engagement picture today...I wish the world would've ended cause that would hurt less than this. How do I move forward? I obviously didn't care about that when I was cheating I know but now...now I am just broken:(. I am in a dark place and hurt so much. Has anyone ever been on this side? Will i ever forgive myself for losing the love of my life? Normally I would rip into you. But your x-H has taken care of the problem and did what he needed to do. So to answer your questions, I can't tell you what you can do to move on or forgive yourself. I can only say time will help. But I can tell you what you should NOT do. Do NOT contact him. Thats disrespectful to him and his soon to be new wife. It also attempts to undermine his new relationship. If you want to forgive yourself, start by leaving him alone and letting him move on without interference. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I have no desire to pour salt in your wounds. You made a catastrophic mistake and have paid dearly for it already. He has moved on and only now do you see some of the pain that he may have felt, because of your action. While some may say it is poetic justice, I DO hope that you will move forward with your life. There is nothing to be gain by flogging yourself. I suggest counseling to help you move forward. I don't want you to ever forget this, but in a learning way and not punitive. Time to forgive yourself and move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 You made a catastrophic [choice based on desire] and have paid dearly for it already. Fixed it for you. Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I'm calling BS on this. OP has disappeared. Trolleriffic! Link to post Share on other sites
ThatJustHappened Posted December 28, 2012 Share Posted December 28, 2012 I don't think it was BS - the "me, me, me" whiners always disappear once they realize they won't be coddled. Hmm..good point Alice . Well either way, there's no point in continuing to bump this thread. OP does not appear to be interested in any opinions that don't consist of 'you were right and he was wrong and here's how you get him back'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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