Jump to content

if they cheated twice


beeturner

Recommended Posts

would you stay with them? And if they didnt' confess but were caught.

and if your IC and MC were telling you not to snoop but that's how you caught them... what do you do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers

Why the Hell do people advise NOT to check? For the life of me, with all of the diseases etc out there, I will never understand that....

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

I divorced him. I snooped. I could tell something was up - the only good thing about having it happen twice - and so I snooped. Once was too much. When he complained about my snooping and (sort of) threatened me if he found out how, I told him that was pretty telling that was he was concerned about was how I knew. BTW - I discovered it both times; he did not tell me. He is a weasel and a coward, couldn't come clean even when found out. :(

 

UGH.....run! Get away from him and go forward with your life. Good luck.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

FWW knows no more chances. 1st one I forgave, if there's a 2nd, she's out the door. No 2nd thoughts, no hesitation.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it might have been Owl that coined the phrase, "Once a cheater, not always a cheater; twice a cheater, always a cheater." I agree. Anyone can deserve a second chance. But after seeing the devastation that this brings, no one needs a third chance. Period.

 

By the way, your therapist doesn't know jack **** about infidelity if they're advising against investigating when you've been cheated on, not once, but twice. They should be let go.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
would you stay with them? And if they didnt' confess but were caught.

and if your IC and MC were telling you not to snoop but that's how you caught them... what do you do?

 

Why would an MC or IC tell you not to check up on occasion? Once a spouse cheats, they need to be an open book and even in the future they should have nothing to hide. I think the snooping is the least of the issue here and whomever your therapist is, has a wacky way of giving out her advice to you. And you're paying her! Hmm, time to find someone else!

 

One affair, a cheating spouse deserves a second chance if they are truly remorseful and ready to work on themselves and the marriage. 2nd time cheating and not confessing and getting caught? Especially after going to counseling and rebuilding trust, faith and love again? Not too many would put up with that, no matter who the affair partner happened to be. The same one or someone different. I figure most would be considering divorce. I know I would.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
would you stay with them? And if they didnt' confess but were caught.

and if your IC and MC were telling you not to snoop but that's how you caught them... what do you do?

 

I don't think I'd have it in me to forgive multiple counts of cheating.

 

A one-time affair MAYBE I could reconcile. But I can't imagine a reconciliation and then learning of another affair months/years later. There is NO way I could forgive that and be happy and at peace. I don't think it's possible and I'd have no strength to put in the hard work, yet again, to rebuild. I think any ounce of trust would have been completely eroded and I'd feel he has zero regard for me and has a compulsion I can't help him with. If you hurt me once and realized it and decided to do it again...I won't be foolish enough to sit around for a 3rd time. I guess I'm not a gambler, so wouldn't forgive and hope for the best this time around. I'd have to cut my losses because that is really just too much.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Anyone can deserve a second chance. But after seeing the devastation that this brings, no one needs a third chance. Period.

True. After seeing the pain, heartbreak, self-doubt and pure hell that having a WS subjects you to, anyone that would put you through that a second time is either a sadist or a sociopath. Why would you want to stay married to such a person? And even more significantly, what would it say about you to do so :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

They were different women three months apart. So, I know the problem is him, not the women...

 

he's been a remorseful spouse and trying to make me feel safe except this - one of them found out I had looked at a social networking site with her on it and she called him to ask what I was doing. He actually called her back and said he didn't know. they talked for a minute. he didn't tell me about it. I saw it on the cell phone bill. He was going to ask his therapist what to do when I told him NC = NC. After two affairs I'm wondering if this should be a dealbreaker....

 

I think he finally understands what I mean but it might be too late. I haven't known anything unless I find out myself. His standard MO is what beeturner doesnt' know won't hurt her. I think he finally gets this after I ripped him a new one but who knows... trust out the window.

 

I had been checking the phone bill for 6 months and nothing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY

What if you found out that they cheated once, and you dealt with that knowledge togther and then later found out that it had happend before. Years before the incident that you just recently found out about. I guess this could happen to any of us BS's that think we have only been cheated on once.

Link to post
Share on other sites
They were different women three months apart. So, I know the problem is him, not the women...

 

he's been a remorseful spouse and trying to make me feel safe except this - one of them found out I had looked at a social networking site with her on it and she called him to ask what I was doing. He actually called her back and said he didn't know. they talked for a minute. he didn't tell me about it. I saw it on the cell phone bill. He was going to ask his therapist what to do when I told him NC = NC. After two affairs I'm wondering if this should be a dealbreaker....

 

I think he finally understands what I mean but it might be too late. I haven't known anything unless I find out myself. His standard MO is what beeturner doesnt' know won't hurt her. I think he finally gets this after I ripped him a new one but who knows... trust out the window.

 

I had been checking the phone bill for 6 months and nothing.

 

Have you checked his "new" phone bill?...I don't think he'd be stupid enough to use a phone u have access to after he knows u have caught him twice already?..i mean they are stupid but I guess stupid does have its bounds right?

 

Would have it have been any different had u caught him 3x with the same woman?...I'm just asking bc that's what happened in my case...my xMOM was caught 3-4x with me after MC and fake reconciliation and he's now trying to see if the fake reconciliation will work a 5th time...

Link to post
Share on other sites
They were different women three months apart. So, I know the problem is him, not the women...

beeturner, I'm confused by this statement. Does this mean that if there was only one OW that you'd believe somehow that she was the problem and not your WS :confused: ???

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I guess I'd be less worried about the woman if it as just one... it proves its not about them but him...

 

when I caught him the 2nd time he handed me his phone and said get new ones and you be the administrator on the account... so I was... gave me passwords to everything.. he hadn't after the first one and didn't understand why it as so important.

Link to post
Share on other sites

okay, how about this?

 

I read that not only should a spouse hand o er their passwords,accounts, cell phones, etc, IF THEY ARE TRULY serious about reconciling, they should help YOU set up a meeting, so that YOU can ask any damn question you want with both your WS and their fAP their so NO gas lighting can occur.

 

How about asking for that?

Link to post
Share on other sites

To sit in a room with my WS and her fAP and hear answers to questions like "did she blow you?" would not be my idea of either a good time or a step forward. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
okay, how about this?

 

I read that not only should a spouse hand o er their passwords,accounts, cell phones, etc, IF THEY ARE TRULY serious about reconciling, they should help YOU set up a meeting, so that YOU can ask any damn question you want with both your WS and their fAP their so NO gas lighting can occur.

 

How about asking for that?

 

To sit in a room with my WS and her fAP and hear answers to questions like "did she blow you?" would not be my idea of either a good time or a step forward. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Yes the WS must be transparent.

 

However having the OP in the room with the WS while the questioning was going on does not mean that they did not meet before to get their stories straight. So it would still be gas light city.

 

Also can you picture a BH asking what they did in bed and how good was the sex and having the WW and OM try to answer that question? I think I smell some more gas.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...