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Don't believe it's the truth, but it might be...


raykinsella

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My WS has answered all my questions for the most part. She swears she is telling me the truth and it is entirely possible she is. She has given details that have been very painful to hear. Number of times, when, where, texting naked pictures, etc. But I still have this gnawing feeling that she is holding back a little or "softening" things to protect me. We have discussed this many times and no matter how many times I ask certain questions her response is the same. Is it just my issue right now in learning to trust her again?? Or if I feel uncertain should I keep pressing? I am definitely one of those people who needs to know the details. She has a tatoo of my name in Chinese in a spot that can only be seen if she is naked. Impossible not to notice when she is having sex. I asked her what he said about this tatoo. Did he ask what it meant? What did she fell him? Etc. She says he never mentioned it. They had sex 7 times. I don't believe it was never discussed or mentioned. I know it means absolutely nothing but I still want to know. I think she is lying. I've asked her 10 times and she swears she is not.. Should I just let it go.? Doesn't this sound like she is lying? She might not be but I just don't believe her. What do I do? Any advice?

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My WS has answered all my questions for the most part. She swears she is telling me the truth and it is entirely possible she is. She has given details that have been very painful to hear. Number of times, when, where, texting naked pictures, etc. But I still have this gnawing feeling that she is holding back a little or "softening" things to protect me. We have discussed this many times and no matter how many times I ask certain questions her response is the same. Is it just my issue right now in learning to trust her again?? Or if I feel uncertain should I keep pressing? I am definitely one of those people who needs to know the details. She has a tatoo of my name in Chinese in a spot that can only be seen if she is naked. Impossible not to notice when she is having sex. I asked her what he said about this tatoo. Did he ask what it meant? What did she fell him? Etc. She says he never mentioned it. They had sex 7 times. I don't believe it was never discussed or mentioned. I know it means absolutely nothing but I still want to know. I think she is lying. I've asked her 10 times and she swears she is not.. Should I just let it go.? Doesn't this sound like she is lying? She might not be but I just don't believe her. What do I do? Any advice?

 

 

If you are one of those who need ALL the truth... schedule a polygraph... is the only way you will ever get rest.

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Oberfeldwebel

Dude is having sex with your wife and you want to know what he thinks about her tattoo? I got to tell you that would not have been my first question. However, if they had sex seven times, then you can pretty well figure he has seen the tattoo. Unless he speaks Cantonese, it wouldn’t be hard to say it was anything and he would not be the wiser. If you thought this was a branding technique that would keep her from being faithful, it failed miserably. Even if he knew it was your name, do you think that was a major concern to him at the moment a beautiful woman wants to make love to him? C’mon Man! Next time consider a chastity belt, it would be more effective than a tat.

Everybody tells the truth from their point of view. She may be sugar coating it save your feelings; she may be telling the truth from her point of view. If she has conceded that she has had sex with another man on at least seven different occasions, just go ahead and assume that they have done every position known to man. The fact that they were cheating on you was not a major concern to either of them, only their own selfish desires. The hard part is now that you know this information, can you move forward or do you terminate the relationship. I’m sorry that you are in this position, my best wishes to you, no matter what you decide.

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Dude is having sex with your wife and you want to know what he thinks about her tattoo? I got to tell you that would not have been my first question. However, if they had sex seven times, then you can pretty well figure he has seen the tattoo. Unless he speaks Cantonese, it wouldn’t be hard to say it was anything and he would not be the wiser. If you thought this was a branding technique that would keep her from being faithful, it failed miserably. Even if he knew it was your name, do you think that was a major concern to him at the moment a beautiful woman wants to make love to him? C’mon Man! Next time consider a chastity belt, it would be more effective than a tat.

Everybody tells the truth from their point of view. She may be sugar coating it save your feelings; she may be telling the truth from her point of view. If she has conceded that she has had sex with another man on at least seven different occasions, just go ahead and assume that they have done every position known to man. The fact that they were cheating on you was not a major concern to either of them, only their own selfish desires. The hard part is now that you know this information, can you move forward or do you terminate the relationship. I’m sorry that you are in this position, my best wishes to you, no matter what you decide.

 

I am sorry but you are no one to say to the OP what it is important for him... for many people after dday it is necessary FULL disclosure to be able to move on.... the small and more insignificant detail can create hours and hours of mental movies with different meanings... I agree with you that probably is not the worse thing that happened but maybe for him, this does have an extra meaning, or it is just one of the examples where he thinks she is keeping information.

 

The only way to restore trust is beguiling with full disclosure from the WW, if she keeps laying he may think he can't move on and trust her ever again.

 

So please if you don't have anything constructive to add, sometimes is better not to post!

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Oberfeldbewel I don't need your bitter sarcastic comments. This site is for people who want and need advice. I don't have a problem with someone being blunt and to the point but your response is just mean. I never said that the tatoo was the most important thing to me. I was just giving an example of a question I thought she wasn't being honest about. I'm sorry that you got ****ed over in the past and are bitter and angry. But not everyone is like that.

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CantgetoveritNY

The polygraph is not a great expense compared to having the pain of doubt. Unfortunately it is limited. It is great for such simple things as - did you have sex with mr x. But if you want to know details like you are asking here I don't think the poly can do that. So you will be like the rest of us. Victims of trickle truth.

 

My own WS when caught insisted it was a one incident affair. Totally not believable. When she finally admitted it was more she insisted that she had lied to spare my feelings. You and I and most BS probably just want to know the truth bc I for one know that the truth is easier to deal with than my very creative imagination. I also don't want ANYONE out there in the world that knows more about this disgusting affair than I do. Ya know?!

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The polygraph is not a great expense compared to having the pain of doubt. Unfortunately it is limited. It is great for such simple things as - did you have sex with mr x. But if you want to know details like you are asking here I don't think the poly can do that. So you will be like the rest of us. Victims of trickle truth.

 

My own WS when caught insisted it was a one incident affair. Totally not believable. When she finally admitted it was more she insisted that she had lied to spare my feelings. You and I and most BS probably just want to know the truth bc I for one know that the truth is easier to deal with than my very creative imagination. I also don't want ANYONE out there in the world that knows more about this disgusting affair than I do. Ya know?!

 

If you are intelligent you can get very far with questions answered yes and not...

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Oberfeldwebel

Here is the problem you will never know the entire truth and will still have to make a decision, base on your best estimation of your relationship with your wife. You can have her sit for a polygraph and she will answer a limited number of questions. This may help you to some extent, but it will never answer all your questions. Again, I’m sorry that you are in this position, my best wishes to you, no matter what you decide.

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Here is the problem you will never know the entire truth and will still have to make a decision, base on your best estimation of your relationship with your wife. You can have her sit for a polygraph and she will answer a limited number of questions. This may help you to some extent, but it will never answer all your questions. Again, I’m sorry that you are in this position, my best wishes to you, no matter what you decide.

 

But it will tell him if she was being honest with him... it just can mean a beginning for someone who is willing to forgive and build a trust relationship again... some marriages survive the dday, it is up to him to decide what criteria and measurements he will use for this judgement...

 

The polygraph is a very good option for those who doubt about the full disclosure of their cheating partner... If I ever would go to a polygraph I know the 2 questions I would for sure ask - do you regret it? do you still love me? ... just for those 2 questions I would pay the polygraph...

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CantgetoveritNY
If you are intelligent you can get very far with questions answered yes and not...

 

The experts I've used say that with every single yes or no question too ask the reliability of the results decreases exponentially. So really one question or issue per session is what you get.

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CantgetoveritNY
But it will tell him if she was being honest with him... it just can mean a beginning for someone who is willing to forgive and build a trust relationship again... some marriages survive the dday, it is up to him to decide what criteria and measurements he will use for this judgement...

 

The polygraph is a very good option for those who doubt about the full disclosure of their cheating partner... If I ever would go to a polygraph I know the 2 questions I would for sure ask - do you regret it? do you still love me? ... just for those 2 questions I would pay the polygraph...

 

Excellent choice. It may take two day to get the answers but this is a good way to use a poly. Asking what the OM thought about the ratio, while that may be something you really want to know, it is probably not in the top 10. Right?

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OP, I think you are dwelling on something that makes no difference. Why does it matter at this point what he thought about her tattoo. I understand that it seems like it matters to you right now, but from where I'm sitting, it has no bearing on the cheating or attempt at reconciliation.

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OP keeps starting new threads.

 

I guess he wants to hear something other then polygraph test.

 

OP, I'll tell you what tell us advice you want to hear then I'll tell you what you want to hear instead of what you should do, that is to polygraph test your WW.

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OP, I think you are dwelling on something that makes no difference. Why does it matter at this point what he thought about her tattoo. I understand that it seems like it matters to you right now, but from where I'm sitting, it has no bearing on the cheating or attempt at reconciliation.

 

Mmmm if you read all the post you will realize that it is just one of the points where the OP thinks she is laying... OP's concern is that he still does not believe the WW, anyhow OP knows what it is important in his case.... everyone has their own criteria of what is important to be able to move on...

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I want to know that she is being honest. It doesn't matter about the tatoo. What matters is whether or not she is answering my questions honestly.

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Road, I didn't know there was a limit to the amount of questions I could ask. Isn't that what this forum is about? Why don't you give your smart ass advice to someone else.

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Oberfeldwebel

Ray,

 

IF I read your other thread correctly, you have already divorced this woman and she signed over the house to you. IF I got that wrong then I'm sorry, but that sounds life a commitment to me. She has at least put her money where her mouth is....so to speak. IF she is in fact an ex, then you don't have to go back immediately to husband and wife. Date, take it slow, see if she can earn your trust. You can NEVER regain the old relationship, it is gone and has obviously scared both of you. However, there is not too much that can't be mended if both of you work towards a common goal. The bottom line is, the relationship has to be more important to each of us, than our own selfish desires.

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I agree ober. But I'm having trouble moving forward when I still feel like she's not being %100 honest. She has done eveything I could have asked for since dday, but it would all be meaningless to me if she has continued to lie. As I've read many times here, the lies and deception hurt worst than the physical part of the affair.

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What will be next after you get the answer you accept to the tattoo question? There will be another, and another, and another after that.

 

You can't build a future by living in the past. I know it is not of your doing; but the balance in this relationship is so far out of whack that unless you are willing to start from a clean slate of trust this relationship is doomed. All you are doing is wasting both of your precious time here on this earth trying to repair it.

 

As someone else pointed out and you have stated, she has given up everything of value to you, and done everything you have asked. If that is not enough, nothing ever will be, and it will be a toxic relationship the rest of its days.

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What does giving up assets have to do with truth? My husband would have given me a kidney AND a lung if it meant not having to spill all his dirty secrets.

 

 

I don't think I made the case it has anything to do with the truth. What it does have to do with is a willingness to give everything they own to make a reconcilliation. That is huge.

 

As I stated previously if the realtionship moving forward is going to be based upon the questions of truth, and doubts of truth about minute details of what happened previously, the relationship is doomed.

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I want to know that she is being honest. It doesn't matter about the tatoo. What matters is whether or not she is answering my questions honestly.

 

Time will tell.

 

Ask her to please respect your wishes and answer everything, even if it kills your heart. Explain to her that this is the only way to healing and possibly fixing things between you two. Show her compassion - Tell her you know it's not easy for her to come clean, to look you in the eye and confess details, but it's the only way for you to cope and deal with this. She has to own it all, as awful as stuff that comes out of her mouth will be, at least (hopefully) it's the truth and the whole truth. *showing her a bit of compassion might help her open up to you more*

 

Sorry that you're hurting and going through this.

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Time will tell.

 

Ask her to please respect your wishes and answer everything, even if it kills your heart. Explain to her that this is the only way to healing and possibly fixing things between you two. Show her compassion - Tell her you know it's not easy for her to come clean, to look you in the eye and confess details, but it's the only way for you to cope and deal with this. She has to own it all, as awful as stuff that comes out of her mouth will be, at least (hopefully) it's the truth and the whole truth. *showing her a bit of compassion might help her open up to you more*

 

Sorry that you're hurting and going through this.

 

It may be the way he thinks is the only way, but is it truly the only way or even the best way?

 

I can't imagine any counseling professional suggesting digging into the deepest and darkest of wounds to re-open them as a successful means of moving forward.

 

The largest truth is out in the open. The how, when, and "what was everyone thinking/told" is pretty inconsequential at this point. Even Ray suggested the tattoo is irrelevant, it is his doubting her honesty.

 

The trust he is seeking will not be found in the past, but moving forward; if that is what he so chooses.

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If he asks her a question about ANYTHING (even about the tattoo or something you perceive to be inconsequential) and she is unable to tell the truth when asked, then there is no moving forward.

 

I'm sure almost every cheater would love to have "the past" swept under the rug as you suggest, but most BS don't roll that way.

 

 

He stated he doesn't know if it is the truth or not. Yet, you are making the judgement she is not telling the truth. That is a never ending fiasco.

 

You suggested he take her to a polygraph test. He finds out she is telling the truth, then what? Does that mean she will be forever telling the truth? NOPE! Is he going to run down to the police station everytime in his mind he has doubts? That is no foundation for a relationship.

 

Again, the trust she regains will be determined on what takes place on a daily basis going forward. Not re-living the past.

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