Husband cheated with my so-called friend

[Linlin]

Hi everyone,

 

Two weeks ago I discovered that my husband was cheating with my friend. I suspected something between them for several months almost the whole time it was going on but everytime I confronted him he dismissed me. I even walked in on them groping each other with my 2 year old in the room and he made it seem like I was crazy. I never actually saw them but I knew something was going on when he ran to the washroom to hide his hardon.

 

We were friends with her and her husband for 1 year and the affair has been going on for 5 months. My husband claims it is not about he sex (they only slept togther 8 times). He said that she provided him with friendship and support that I wasn't giving him. I know I am not perfect but when I am being the breadwinner, cleaning the whole house, cooking and basically taking care of 2 small children with little help, it's hard to be supportive, exciting and glamourous.

 

I found emails confirming the affair and first confronted her and she spilt it all then I called him on his cell and confronted him. I had him move out for the night but now he is back home. They have decided not to be together since there are too many questions between them for them to be together. Her husband wanted her back unconditionally. My husband and I are separating and willtry councelling. We have done alot of talking and he has spilled all the details of the affair. I found out alot of things about her that if I knew I wouldn't have been friends. She has gropped, kissed fondled, etc several guys for the 10 years of her 14 year marriage. All with friends of theirs. Her and my husband have talked a few times even though they are supposed to have no contact and she is miserable. LOL Like I care. It took all my strength not to knock her teeth in. She can't stand her life or her husband and she is playing a role to make him happy right now. I think she will come after my husband again or another man. The truth is, I don't want her to have him but I am not sure I want him. He has been so mean to me during the affair that this has given me an excuse to get out of the marriage with everyone's sympathy.

 

The funny thing is, we have been having hot sex everynight for a week. It satisfies some physical urges and stress. It is confort sex. Of course, when she asked him about it he told her and she was devistated and started to cry. Boo hoo! LOL No sympathy here.

 

Any adivce???

[yekcoh]

 

Aren't friends GREAT!!!! I don't know what happened to the code between us, but come on your best friends husband????????

 

I too, have been utterly duped by my best friend and my XXX husband. I knew that my husband cheated. I knew that he slept with countless people, but when I found out that he had slept with my friend, there was nothing left. It was a hard road too. I got sick. Quit eating. Lost about 50 lbs, that was nice, but not so healthy.

 

My advice to you is to follow your heart. If you don't feel good about whatever is happening between you, it's not right. The hardest part of breaking up, is choosing not to go back. That was the problem I faced, after 3 times of leaving.

 

The worst part about my sit, was that he got pissed at me for not wanting to be friends with her anymore. FRIENDS???? I had dreams of kidnapping her and locking her in a dungeon until she died of starvation. I was a mess for three years. It took that long to finally figure out that I needed to work on myself and to be happy with how my life was, instead of trying to please his every sexual fantasy.

 

I think, and I am no psychologist, the being mean to you is from HIS guilt. My guess is that he nit-picks everything you do until you are in tears, just to make you look bad and to further his ego.

 

Not wanting them to be together is a natural reaction, but step back for just a sec, and look at the situation. They together would be misery. They would last probably a few months 'til the sex got bad or boring. They would eventually break up, and you would be on your way to a new and happier life.

 

Oh yeah, didn't you know that if the a guy who is having an affair is also having sex with his wife, he's cheating on his mistress???? Come on. She had no right to your man, especially under the guise of your friend. She'll never let him go.

 

good luck

[capitald]

this all sounds like swingers anonymous to me. Lots of sex going on all over the place. Reckless people with absolutely no or very little sense of emotional boundaries.

 

I don't understand this!!! Your man smashs your heart to pieces and you sleep with him every night for a week after that? You need some professional counciling. I am very concerned about you. Something tells me you project all the blame onto your husband's friend for seducing him but really aren't taking your husbands hurtful behavior towards you to heart, i.e. serious enough.

[Skittles]

I know my viewpoint on affairs may be unpopular in some circles but here goes.

 

I understand where capitald is coming from, but I would soften my position just a little.

 

I am sorry for your pain, the ows pain and yes! even your husbands pain.

 

Imo, triangles are called that, for just that reason..Your husbands behavior, that has led to this affair with your "friend" was most likely apparent for sometime, way before he slept with her...Were you paying attention to how he treated you, is/was your relationship good?

 

She had a "need", saw a weakness and took advantage. Your husband had a "need" saw an opportunity and took advantage. You tolerated, and probably dealt him your own brand of doodoo, until that positioned you in the disadvantage..I am not blaming the victim, that approach is bogus.

 

I am just suggesting that all three parties in a triangle play a part in creating this kind of emotionally devastating geometry..

 

 

 

 

My hope for you is become a participant in your own life, take control and be happy.

[capitald]

It sounds like the Jerry Springer Show. I don't think there is a single healthy relationship that can be formed now between any of the people involved in this mess. But if you think that there could be, more power to you.

[sportsloving]

I suspected something between them for several months almost the whole time it was going on but everytime I confronted him he dismissed me. I even walked in on them groping each other with my 2 year old in the room and he made it seem like I was crazy.

 

You thought you knew, and then had it confirmed (in front of your child no less). I would have confronted them both, turned and walked away from the whole situation. But nope, you still sleep with him. Does it not matter that if she has been doing this for 10 out of 14 years being married that she is possibly giving other gifts (than sex) such as STDs or even worse?

 

I think she will come after my husband again or another man. The truth is, I don't want her to have him but I am not sure I want him.

 

Wowsers. So you don't want him, but you don't want her to get him. So why even try counseling or working things out? If you don't want him, get divorced.. move on with life, and let him do as he wants (and if he goes to her, you won't have a say in it).

 

The only way marriage works is if BOTH parties are working on it. If you want to be with your husband, I suggest you focus your attention on him rather than her, and find out what led him to the affair in the first place. If you only want him because she wants him, you and he will only be as unhappy as you obviously were to begin with.

 

Nice triangle. Ugh.

[reservoirdog1]

Wowsers. So you don't want him, but you don't want her to get him. So why even try counseling or working things out? If you don't want him, get divorced.. move on with life, and let him do as he wants (and if he goes to her, you won't have a say in it).

 

Speaking from experience, that's a lot easier said than done. Most people who find out their spouses have betrayed them, even multiple times, don't tend to simply turn around and walk out on learning the truth. There's always residual hope that it was a one-time thing, that the problems (not excuses, because there aren't any) that lead to the cheating can be eliminated, and that trust can be rebuilt. Sometimes it can and a lot of the time it can't.

 

Linlin... I know what you're going through. When my TBXW finally confessed her years of cheating and lies, of course I thought for awhile that I wanted to fix things, that it could all be right again, etc. etc. Even after I moved out in November, those thoughts came up, and we talked about them. It's since become clear that it can't work, and pretty much all of the positive feelings I ever had for her are gone. What's left is an image of her that alternates between 1) negative and 2) indifferent.

 

The point being, it's totally understandable that you're ambivalent right now. Even if you spent your life up to this point thinking "if he ever cheats I'm out of here", it's a lot harder to follow through when your hand is forced. The important thing for you right now is to take some time, as much as you need, to figure things out. Could be weeks, could be months. His behaviour will demonstrate whether or not there's something there to rebuild on. Get counselling, not just for the two of you but on your own as well.

 

Finally, don't ever expect to get a bolt from the blue. There will never be a crystal clear signal that you are doing the right thing, whatever path you choose. The best you can do is weigh the evidence and, when you're ready, make a choice. Good luck...