He had an affair for a year. I'm so hurt and angry but I love him

[CherryBerry777]

Hi,

 

This is my first post here. Hoping to get some advice, maybe even just a place to let my feelings out.

 

So, here's my story.

 

I met my husband in '01. I was 16, he was 15. We were friends but it was obvious we had feelings for each other. We would constantly flirt, tease, try to make each other jealous. Typical teenage stuff. We started dating in '03, and got married in '06. We were young but crazy about each other and we both knew what we wanted, and that was to be together. We had our daughter in '07, and our son in 2010. After our son was born, I noticed him being a little distant. I thought it was my fault. I had a toddler and an infant to take care of and I rarely had any time left for him. At the end of the day, I was exhausted. So, yeah, I was neglecting him. But not purposely. I loved him more than anything. Our life together wasn't perfect, but it was everything I expected it to be. Happy. Or so I thought.

 

He told me back in July, about the affair.

 

He met her in '11, and was seeing her for almost a year. I was devastated. I mean, you hear about affairs, people cheating, marriages failing, but you never imagine it happening to you. He begged me to forgive him, said he didn't love her, that he told me because he hated what he'd done, and he didn't want to lie to me, all that crap. I told him I needed a break and packed mines and the kids things, and went to my sister's. I only stayed 3 days and he called every five minutes, crying, saying he's sorry and to please come home. So I did. I tried to forgive and forget, but it's not easy. Every time I look at him, I see it. I can't let it go. Every time his phone rings, every text, every time he's a nano second late, I go into panic mode. I go into these phases where all I'll do is cry and I'm making myself sick. I love him, I don't want to leave him. He's the father of my children, my first love, the only man I've ever loved. The only man I've ever been with sexually..I don't want to feel this way but I can't let it go.

 

A year! A whole year! Where the hell was I? They say women have an intuition, but I knew nothing! He was my best friend, my partner, you know? It's ruined now.

 

I know I'm not the only one going through something like this. I guess I'm just looking for some advice, comforting words, something, anything, from someone who's been where I am.

 

Thanks for reading. It feels good getting this out.

[canuckprincess]

Hi,

 

This is my first post here. Hoping to get some advice, maybe even just a place to let my feelings out.

 

So, here's my story.

 

I met my husband in '01. I was 16, he was 15. We were friends but it was obvious we had feelings for each other. We would constantly flirt, tease, try to make each other jealous. Typical teenage stuff. We started dating in '03, and got married in '06. We were young but crazy about each other and we both knew what we wanted, and that was to be together. We had our daughter in '07, and our son in 2010. After our son was born, I noticed him being a little distant. I thought it was my fault. I had a toddler and an infant to take care of and I rarely had any time left for him. At the end of the day, I was exhausted. So, yeah, I was neglecting him. But not purposely. I loved him more than anything. Our life together wasn't perfect, but it was everything I expected it to be. Happy. Or so I thought.

 

He told me back in July, about the affair.

 

He met her in '11, and was seeing her for almost a year. I was devastated. I mean, you hear about affairs, people cheating, marriages failing, but you never imagine it happening to you. He begged me to forgive him, said he didn't love her, that he told me because he hated what he'd done, and he didn't want to lie to me, all that crap. I told him I needed a break and packed mines and the kids things, and went to my sister's. I only stayed 3 days and he called every five minutes, crying, saying he's sorry and to please come home. So I did. I tried to forgive and forget, but it's not easy. Every time I look at him, I see it. I can't let it go. Every time his phone rings, every text, every time he's a nano second late, I go into panic mode. I go into these phases where all I'll do is cry and I'm making myself sick. I love him, I don't want to leave him. He's the father of my children, my first love, the only man I've ever loved. The only man I've ever been with sexually..I don't want to feel this way but I can't let it go.

 

A year! A whole year! Where the hell was I? They say women have an intuition, but I knew nothing! He was my best friend, my partner, you know? It's ruined now.

 

I know I'm not the only one going through something like this. I guess I'm just looking for some advice, comforting words, something, anything, from someone who's been where I am.

 

Thanks for reading. It feels good getting this out.

 

I'm so sorry your going through this. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing. Some affairs go on for years and the wives don't have a clue and very often after dday it still continues right under the wives noses. It's even worse when that happens I imagine.

[Furious]

What has your husband done to change his ways, are you in marriage counseling, is your husband remorseful and transparent. Is he doing everything possible to rebuild your trust?

[beenburned]

CB,

 

My H's cheating also occurred in the early years of our marriage. We also had 2 young children that I was very busy with.(but we always had sex)

 

Don't blame yourself for missing clues/signs. I was very naive and trusting of my H back then.(blind trust) I also had no experience or knowledge about adultery, as I grew up in a sheltered conservative family.

 

It is a good sign that your H confessed on his own.(most don't) Did you ask him why it continued for a year? Sometimes the OW blackmail them by threatening to tell the wife.

 

LS is a great place for support and helpful information! The average time for healing is 2-5 years and you go through many different stages along the way.

 

Best wishes for your families future!

[BetrayedH]

CB,

 

My H's cheating also occurred in the early years of our marriage. We also had 2 young children that I was very busy with.(but we always had sex)

 

Don't blame yourself for missing clues/signs. I was very naive and trusting of my H back then.(blind trust) I also had no experience or knowledge about adultery, as I grew up in a sheltered conservative family.

 

It is a good sign that your H confessed on his own.(most don't) Did you ask him why it continued for a year? Sometimes the OW blackmail them by threatening to tell the wife.

 

LS is a great place for support and helpful information! The average time for healing is 2-5 years and you go through many different stages along the way.

 

Best wishes for your families future!

 

I agree with much of what the other posters have said. A voluntary confession is a big factor in reconciliation. But knowing whether it was truly voluntary is critical. And it does take 2-5 years and that's greatly dependent upon whether or not he is "truly remorseful." How much do you truly "know?" Did you speak to the OW? Was the OW also married? If so, did you speak to her husband?

 

As for your lack of intuition, you cannot blame yourself at all. We are supposed to trust our spouses. It most cases, they took vows to protect us beyond measure and did so before God, family, and a hundred of their best friends. He took advantage of your trust and that's on him.

 

Stick around and learn more. This place can give you a PhD in Infidelity (not that you ever wanted to have one) that will help you at least intellectually understand more about whether you (and he) are doing the right thing. Much of the advice is right on target; some of it is crap. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

[96nole]

Why did the affair end?

Who ended it?

How did they meet?

Is there any contact between your husband and the other woman still going on?

[Roctam]

I am currently going through something very similar in March I caught my husband having an affair with by best friend. I found very filthy pictures of herself that she sent to him in a text message. It was beyond shock I never would have thought he would ever be unfaithful to me. We have had a wonderful marriage I thought we were happy we enjoyed each others company laughed lots people were envious of us, and now it seems like it was all a bunch of lies 10 years down the drain. Anyways the night I found the pictures just about killed me I never really confronted her sent a text thanking her the pics she had sent my husband and for being a horrible friend and destroying my marriage. She tried to play it off but my husband broke down and told me everything. Which was bitter sweet I guess I want to appreciate the honesty, but it tore my heart to pieces. There has been no more contact with her from either of us and we both want to rebuild our marriage he's trying to be very patient and understanding with my ups and downs which he should be. I love my husband with all my heart but some days I am just so full of despair I just don't know what to do I give him hope when we have good days then for what seems like no reason we are back at square one. I want my marriage to work I believe he is truly sorry and wants our lives back I just don't know how to snap out of it and keep moving forward without all the setbacks they are disappointing i really needed to vent and maybe get some advice from other people in my situation my goal is recovering and building a better stronger bond and marriage.

[waterwoman]

Hi Roctam, it takes time. Are you getting IC or MC? I see an IC once a fortnight. H admitted his affair end of june, I am still having ups and downs but it's getting better.

 

H has done everything he could to make it better - very honest, very remorseful, very loving. Had a setback this weekend when I found out a daughter of a friend of mine knew about the affair before I did thanks to gossip - brought all the anger, pain and humiliation back again. But it's only taken 24 hours to get back to OK again. It does get easier xx

[96nole]

I am currently going through something very similar in March I caught my husband having an affair with by best friend. I found very filthy pictures of herself that she sent to him in a text message. It was beyond shock I never would have thought he would ever be unfaithful to me. We have had a wonderful marriage I thought we were happy we enjoyed each others company laughed lots people were envious of us, and now it seems like it was all a bunch of lies 10 years down the drain. Anyways the night I found the pictures just about killed me I never really confronted her sent a text thanking her the pics she had sent my husband and for being a horrible friend and destroying my marriage. She tried to play it off but my husband broke down and told me everything. Which was bitter sweet I guess I want to appreciate the honesty, but it tore my heart to pieces. There has been no more contact with her from either of us and we both want to rebuild our marriage he's trying to be very patient and understanding with my ups and downs which he should be. I love my husband with all my heart but some days I am just so full of despair I just don't know what to do I give him hope when we have good days then for what seems like no reason we are back at square one. I want my marriage to work I believe he is truly sorry and wants our lives back I just don't know how to snap out of it and keep moving forward without all the setbacks they are disappointing i really needed to vent and maybe get some advice from other people in my situation my goal is recovering and building a better stronger bond and marriage.

 

Roctam,

That's a tough situation. Go ahead and start a new thread with what you have posted above. More posters will see it and will be able to offer help and support for your situation.

[Just a Guy]

In a situation like this I would say that it would be better for you to separate from your husband at least for a while. Your husband needs to know what life without you and the kids would be like. He also needs to come to terms with the shabby way he treated you for no rhyme or reason. If you continue to stay with him he would get off easy and would most likely not learn any lessons about the life of lies and deceit he has led for a year while pretending to be a good husband to you. Wish you the very best!