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Trouble getting past details of my wife's affair


garyfromla

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Sorry for this being too long but I feel like giving a little background about the situation is needed.

 

My wife (Cheryl) and I have been married for 18 years and have been together since our senior year in college. I am 44, she is 42, and we have 2 beautiful daughters who are 17 and 15. Our marriage has been superb for the most part. We have loved each other more and more throughout the years and have truly been best friends throughout our marriage. I am more physically well-built than most men my age and my wife looks much younger than her age so we tend to get some attention from the opposite sex when we go out and have throughout the years in our marriage. But never once did I or she ever even think about being unfaithful because we loved each other so much. I say this because thinking about how far we’ve come without betraying one another makes me a little more crushed on the inside.

 

A little over a year ago, my wife and I began to argue a little more often, which seemed very out of place for our relationship. Most if not all the argument stemmed from my commitment to my career. Around that time, I had worked a lot more often, going to board meetings, meeting with potential clients, etc all across the country almost every week for days at a time. Cheryl hated that I was away from the girls and her more often and told me that we had more money than we needed so I could ease up on work and focus on the better things in life. I, unfortunately, didn’t agree. I guess when you first get a whiff of success, you just want more and more. That drive blinded me from acknowledging the more important things in my life with my family being first.

 

Around that time, about a year ago, my wife began to vent to one of her clients (Rick) who she had known for years (she’s a CPA). He was 44 years old, divorced, and had a 14 year old son. They had always had friendly side conversations when meeting to discuss his financial plans but around our time of turmoil, she began to vent to him about my frequent business trips and my persistent absences. Apparently, he was a very good and attentive listener and that made her feel more calm and collected when she was frustrated.

One day, Rick decides to ask Cheryl out for some coffee that weekend. She politely declines and reminds him that she’s married. He says he knows and that the offer is still on the table.

 

Two days later, Cheryl and I had another argument in which I told her she was beginning to sound very selfish. That irritated her to no end. Meanwhile, Rick had texted her that morning with the coffee offer again so after our argument, Cheryl texted back and took him up on the offer this time. They met for coffee that Saturday and talked for hours. Towards the end, Rick asked her if she wanted to drop by his house really quickly so that she can take a look at his brand new Porsche that she loved. The car I had offered to buy her during that time but she said she didn’t want. Instead, she said something along the lines of ‘how about you buy me some time with you?’ which still stings me to this day.

They go to his place, Rick shows her his car, gives a tour around his house and they have a drink or two. After Cheryl took a minute to call the girls to make sure everything was ok, Rick began to hit on her flirtatiously. Long story short, they had sex all night. I wasn’t home that night and the girls were asleep so no one knew that she had come back home around 3am that morning.

 

Rick texted her again 2 days later saying that he really enjoyed her company and that he would like to do it again sometime. From that moment on, Cheryl began what would be a 2.5 month A with Rick. There were only two things that now that I look back, stood out at the time but did not lead me to believe that she was cheating on me with another man. One, she began to text more right before going to bed. She’s always been an avid texter with everyone but not so late in the day. And secondly, a couple of weeks into their affair, she decided to wax her pubic hair. She had always groomed a nice trimmed triangle since I met her so the sudden change was weird but not a red flag to me.

 

Two and a half months into the affair, she came up to one day and confessed. She immediately began to tear up and sob in front of me. I asked her what was wrong. She just kept saying ‘I love you,’ that she couldn’t take it anymore, couldn’t bear to go on like this anymore because she loved me so much. Again, I asked her what was wrong and she told me that she was having an A with Rick. I was shocked, confused, crushed, you name it. I asked her why she was telling me now. She said it was because she realized how much more she loved me than before. That she would rather be miserably, at times, in love with me than happily involved with another man. I got so upset and I just left the house and stayed at a hotel for the next couple of nights. I wanted to move out and try to figure out what to do. A couple days after D-day, I went back to our home to take all my stuff to be moved into my new condo. Cheryl was there and she had started to cry the moment I got there. She begged me not to go and that she would go instead; that I deserved to be with our daughters and not her. I said no and left the house after an hour or so with her still crying.

 

Four months of separation had passed and I began to miss Cheryl a lot. I hated myself for doing that but I did. I still loved her and at that point, a huge part of me still wanted to be with her. I called her one day and told her how I felt and was contemplating moving back in at least temporarily. She got so happy and thanked me over and over again and said that she loved me so much. I told her that I hadn’t forgiven her, just seeing if there’s a chance for reconciliation. She said she understood and still appreciated it. The first thing I told her the day I moved back was that I wanted to have an official conversation about the affair that night. That night, I asked her some graphic questions that I had been wondering about all throughout the separation. She hesitated to answer and told me she didn’t want to hurt me and I reminded her that she already did so she should just answer the questions.

 

I had found out that he was about 2 inches bigger than I was, that they had oral and anal sex, that she swallowed his semen a couple of times, that they had gone from condoms to no condoms, that they had sex in his backyard once, and that his son had walked in on them one day in the bedroom. I found out a lot more that that but these are the things that have seemed to stay in my mind this entire time. I felt sick to my stomach when I heard all this and got very light-headed. I could tell she wasn’t taking it so well because of me and started tearing up again and apologizing over and over again. Why I asked those things I’ll never know but it seemed like a good idea so that I wouldn’t be in the dark anymore about what they had done. Like ripping off a band-aid, I’d be able to just move on from that.

 

The last 5 months since I moved back have been much better than before and still keep getting better and better. Cheryl has been doing her best to prove that she can be the same wife that she used to be that I deserve to have. She updates on where she’s going, what she’s doing and when she’ll be home almost 24/7 without me asking. In fact, it gets pretty tiring to have her check in with me that often. She does so much work around the house all while maintaining her successful CPA career at her firm. She has been cooking and planning romantic dinners and dates for the two of us constantly.

 

At the same time, I have done my part in meeting her half way. I’ve been working less and started becoming a much more active father in my daughters’ lives. However, even with all this progress, there are times when I am still reminded of the things she told me about her and Rick. And when I am reminded of those things, I tend to take a couple steps back from my wife so to speak. I have blown off 2 romantic dinners and dates that Cheryl had set up because both times I was being tormented by the details all day. But on other days, I am completely fine. I am lost at this point and don’t know what to do with my problem.

 

I have read and heard that men in similar situations like myself have sought revenge affairs that have made them feel better about their situation and have allowed them to get back to their normal lives. And a therapist I spoke to said that it might be in my benefit to try and reach out to the OM and gain some closure that way. He basically said that I have unresolved anger about this because I feel like this guy came into my life and ****ed my wife and went about his own business like nothing happened while I had to suffer the consequences. He said that maybe hearing an apology would help. I don’t know.

 

What do you all think?

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Did she really return to you because she loves you, or because she was dumped by the other guy?

 

Because she loved me. I know what you think and I thought the same the day she confessed but he was still very much into her at the time but she didn't want to go on with the affair because of how she felt. He continued to pursue her even after we separated. But she made it clear that it was over. She showed me the texts she sent him telling him its over and the texts he sent during our separation.

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To be honest, I really don't think there's a magic formula to erase those obsessive thoughts from your mind.

 

They'll probably either vanish with time. Or they'll stay in your mind and poison the relationship in the long run.

 

Your wife did something terrible. She broke the trust you had in her. Now, regardless of the future, you'll never see her in the same light again. You know are conscious that she is able to be unfaithful. Even if she never does it again she'll always be damaged goods.

 

You both have to deal with the aftermath of the affair.

 

Personally speaking I would also be very disturbed if I were on your shoes. The sexual intimacy that they shared was intense.

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if i may ask, did she do these "things" with you also, or were they only reserved for OM?

 

you definetly need her to write a detailed timeline of events. everything from the start of the meetings and leading up to the affair itself. she needs to write up a NC letter to this scumbag, and tell him to take his business elsewhere.

 

lastly, i suggest you get in contact with him and inform him you know about the affair.

 

unload on the f@#$er.

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if i may ask, did she do these "things" with you also, or were they only reserved for OM?

 

[/email].

 

This is an important matter. If she did things with her lover that she had never done with you I'd say that she settled for you.

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exactly, karnak.

 

if these "things" were only available to OM and she won't do the same for you, it's a definite dealbreaker. not that the affair itself isn't.

Edited by Artie Lang
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Michael Johnson

Cheating wives rarely jump back to their husbands unless there's an underlying reason, and it is not because of love.

 

What do you want to do?

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if i may ask, did she do these "things" with you also, or were they only reserved for OM?

 

you definetly need her to write a detailed timeline of events. everything from the start of the meetings and leading up to the affair itself. she needs to write up a NC letter to this scumbag, and tell him to take his business elsewhere.

 

lastly, i suggest you get in contact with him and inform him you know about the affair.

 

unload on the f@#$er.

 

Yes, she did all these things with me as well. I was thinking about contacting the other guy to let him know what is going on, to stop trying, and take his business elsewhere. I just don't know how to do it or what to say yet.

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I like the way you handled yourself after finding out about her affair. Leaving her with her decision was the right thing to do. Thinking it over, I'm curious about a few things.

 

- During Your time apart, what did she do with her free time?

 

- Did she pursue you?

 

- Did she address whatever lurked under her skin allowing her to open up to an affair?

 

- Now that you are back, does she understand that your love and history brought you back once, but this is a one shot chance?

 

I truly hope she becomes a better person. I hope she finds out why deep down she was capable of being so selfish, indulgent, and destructive.

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by "trying," do you mean he's still fishing?

 

you should get his contact number. make it clear to him that he is to have no further contact whatsoever or there will be consequences- meaning a restraining order on his sorry ass. he should be afraid of you, not the other way around.

 

he's the one who f@#$ed another man's wife.....he should be shakin' in his boots wondering about the consequences.

 

OM are usually the biggest p@ssies around. they act like "real" men around their AP, but when confronted they turn tail and run for the hills.

 

I'd make that f@#$er piss his pants with inuendo about it getting physical at some point.

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Here's my $.02, not that it is of any more value than that of the others.

 

Reconciling is incredibly tough stuff. I tried for seven months and failed. I had my own affair to try to get over hers and that just poured gasoline on my burning house. I won't go on about it unless you want to discuss it further. The fact is that you love your wife and want to reconcile and that will not help.

 

Mind movies are hell. I didn't get far enough along to see mine diminish as much as I wanted but they were diminishing. Triggers happen. It ain't fun.

 

But here's the thing. The hardest part when reconciling after infidelity is restoring trust. Your wife has done a lot to do what was needed in that department. I'm sure it has been awful for you to feel like trust is restored but comparitively (to other wayward spouses), she's hitting a home run. She disclosed her affair willingly (huge). She broke off her affair despite continued pursuit by the OM even when you left her for 4 months (huge). She has been fully transparent with her whereabouts to the point that it is bothersome (huge). She made herself fully vulnerable to you by answering the most difficult, graphic, and embarassing parts of her affair all while fearing you would leave because of how much it hurt (huge). The combination of all of these things is, well, huge. These things are rare for a wayward spouse. Imagine discovering the affair, her continuing the affair but taking it further underground, her refusing to discuss the affair and not being sensitive to your need for transparency. By the way, they continue to lie, deny, minimize, and lie some more. That's what's normal.

 

The hardest damn thing to restore is trust. Easily lost, not easily regained. She is taking huge strides to do it and is smart enough to know that it is her biggest hurdle.

 

At the same time, you were also smart enough to know that trust in her honesty was a key component before there was any chance of reconciling. You asked those questions not because you wanted to hear her porn story but because you had to see if she would respect you enough now to at least give you the truth. You needed to see if she was remorseful enough to bare her soul to you.

 

Long story short, these mind movies are a necessary evil for a couple reconciling from infidelity. You needed to hear the truth and she needed to tell it.

 

To be sure, mind movies suck donkey d|cks. But they can and will diminish with time if the rest of the relationship is restored. I encourage you not to underestimate how critical, difficult and rare it was for her to share that information with you. It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. It is painful and bull**** that a BS has to go thru it. Rest assured, the 2-5 years is a sentence you will serve for her crime whether you reconcile or not.

 

As far as I can tell, you love your wife and she loves you. She made some horrible choices to be sure. But the question now becomes about what you will do. You are driving the bus. I, for one, will be hoping you choose the reconciliation route for you, your wife, and your family and that she continues to support you through it all for the upcoming years. I think you're both on a healthy path to do it and getting through this period of mental movies was a necessary step to get there. Hopefully, seeing it in that perspective will help.

 

As to a more specific solution, whenever you have these thoughts and visions invade your head space, envision a stop sign in your mind and refuse to entertain those thoughts. YOU control your thoughts. Take charge of them and refuse to let your emotions sabotage a marriage that your mind and heart have already chosen.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited by BetrayedH
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Those are some good points to consider, BetrayedH. My WH has also done a lot of those things to help restore my trust in him. My biggest hurdle was not just 'mind movies', but actual video footage of him and his AP! That's actually how I discovered the affair. After a year, I've finally stopped replaying those videos in my head when I'm trying to go to sleep. It really is a long, slow process.

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TiredFamilyGuy

Moving story. That sucks. She broke the vows. She worshipped the other guy with her body when she had never done that with you. Double ouch.

 

But- she confessed, and from that point on has shown by her actions that she truly repents. It hurts, but forgiveness is the high road and you will be glad you took it.

 

You had time to consider, and chose to try again. She can't say sorry forever or you will have a pity party instead of a marriage.

 

Forgiveness does, must, lie down the road you are on. But it sounds like you have a LOT of pain and anger still to process. If you can't handle this with your wife alone, then try using Marriage Counselling.

 

Good luck - and respect to you.

Edited by TiredFamilyGuy
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My advice does not come from experience but I would not contact the OM unless you have something that you want to say to him that may help you heal. If you call him hoping to hear something from him (an apology) you might be disappointed.

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Has WW sent a NC letter?

 

Has WW blocked all means useb to communicate with the OM?

 

NC means that if OM is a client of the firm where she works then WW has to quit that job.

 

Recovery is a 2 to 5 year process. Mind movies will not leave in 2 to 5 weeks or months. They do, but takes time.

 

If WW has answered all of your affair questions then talking about the affair has to stop so you can forget the details. If there are any questions unanswered then get them done.

 

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

Mandatory STD testing for the both of you because I'm sure your WW was not the first affair for OM.

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Also, if she has travelled a lot in the past for work, she has had numerous opportunities and it wouldn't surprise me at all if she's at least had a few one night stands previously. You SHOULD talk to the OM since he can probably tell you a lot more about your wife than she's been telling you. In fact if she's divulged prior affairs to him, he may just tell you about them if he thinks that will encourage you to divorce her, thus freeing her up for him.

 

 

He has a point.

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What Doug is writing is hard. But he raises some good points in there.

 

Specially concerning your wife's psych.

 

When she went to the other guy's house, she already knew she was gonna have sex with him. That's the main reason she went there.

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What Doug is writing is hard. But he raises some good points in there.

 

Specially concerning your wife's psych.

 

When she went to the other guy's house, she already knew she was gonna have sex with him. That's the main reason she went there.

 

The wife volunteered the info that she came onto to the OM at the house. It's not like she is claiming she was seduced by some sly OM and using it as an excuse. She has freely admitted that she is the one that suggested the bedroom.

 

I do agree with the question about individual counseling. She needs to demonstrate that she has a full grasp of "why" she had an affair rather than fixing the marriage or leaving it. If she doesn't dig deep into this, she may repeat that behavior/coping mechanism and you will be left wondering if she will use that approach again if you ever let things get less than perfect in the marriage again.

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I am normally very FOR separation but I do get the sense that the wife is actually remorseful and ACTUALLY felt bad and ACTUALLY wants to be with her husband... She had no reason to confess.... but she confessed... She could have easily gotten away with cake eating here... but she chose not to...

 

I never say this but this time I think it should be a case of "trust but verify"...

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I think a revenge affair would be a bad idea. You would regret it down the road and if your wife found out it would just rub salt in the wound and your relationship would deteriorate and then getting back the relationship with your wife and girls would be over. I'm not a relationship expert. I'm a 49 year old guy and your story pains me. I lust lurk here and I don't think I've posted before. I think the best revenge would be to hit that sack of sh** in the pocket book. I would figure out a way to hurt him financially and then maybe that sweet porche would be repoed. I also think you should grab your balls and man up and pay him a visit. Cuss him out. Let him have it. An apology? What good would that do coming from a douche like him? Also, I would pay someone to beat his ass. yep. Now, that's revenge. I'm sure this post will get blasted from others, but I don't care. It is my opinion and not theirs. Also, I wouldn't ask your wife any more details because all it does is torture you. Its in the past. Leave the dirty happenings of the past there. Don't torment yourself. It sounds like your wife is really trying. Time will heal this. The problem with time, is time takes time. If your wife wonders about you bailing on the romantic evenings just tell her what is going on in your head. Hopefully, she will understand. Tell her you love her, but sometimes thoughts of the past haunt you. Hopefully she won't get defensive. I wish you the very best of luck. Man up. Get even with that guy. You will feel much better. My .02 anybody who blast me for my .02 can just bite one.

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Yeah, don't contact the OM. What's the point, the douche rocket never gave a damn about your marriage. What makes you think he gives a damn about what you have to say to him? All it's going to do is make you both uncomfortable.

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End of the day beating this guy up puts you in jail with a record, don't do it.

 

Personally once someone does this to you it has to be it I'm afraid. No second chances here, this was a conscious decision. She chose to walk that path. If you must stay with her I'd have a revenge affair, but hey that's just me. Your wife is tainted now, it's a shame but it'll never ever be the same.

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as was stated above she needs to go NC---and that includes anything to do with her lover as a client---and probably anything to do with his company

 

Your beef is with your wife---you do not need to put yourself thru the pain of contact with her lover

 

Please---no revenge A's---that is lowering yourself to your wife's standards, your daughters do not need both parents cheating on each other

 

If you are bound and determined to cause your wife's lover---some grief---you could file a civil suit agst. him for Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress, he pursued, and kept on pursuing your wife---and he has caused the destruction of your family, as it was then, to what it is now---so the elements are all there, if you wish to pursue him in court.

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