To those that are reconciling, how long?

[curious4319]

Curious, to those that have successfully reconciled, and/or are currently trying...How long was the betrayal/affair going on before you found out? Did your BS come forward, or did you discover it? Were you the BH or the BW? How long a time period went by before you reconciled, and how long was it before you were a true couple again, physically and emotionally? Seems to me, most A's that come clean rather than get caught have a better shot at reconciling, and also seems that more BW's can see through the A to try to reconcile, as opposed to BH, who seem to be unable to get through it. Anyone, care to share? Thanks : )

 

Me? 4 months since D Day. Living apart, currently unable to see passed the A, and reconcile, but I do want to somehow find a way. A was a 2 yr ongoing A that was caught. I am a BH. We are both in counseling, separately, at the moment. WS is interested in reconciling, doing and saying the right things, says she has NC with OM, but really....who knows for sure. Thanks all : )

[RickFox]

Not a BS, I'm the bad guy. The EA went on for over a year and the PA went on for several months. Just over a year ago now, W and I work every day to fix what I broke, mainly it is my responsibility to make the repairs. She is just now dealing with it a whole lot better but like you, still has trouble looking past the A, past the betrayal but I do all I can to show her I'm here for her and her only. Time heals all things, but it is going to take a lot of time, for you, for me, for those who choose to work it out.

[frozensprouts]

our situation was kind of different...

 

my husband had an emotional affair with a woman from work ( mostly via facebook chat). I asked him to stop, he said he would, and about a week later gave me the old line of " i love you but not in love with you" and moved in with her -told me they were "just friends". Found out about a week later that they were oh so much more than "friends". He waffled back and forth until I finally told him I'd had enough,that I had contacted a lawyer, and he needed to decide once and for all what he wanted.

His affair ended pretty much right away.

 

That was a little over 3 years ago...

 

Our reconciliation was also a little different than most, as he had to leave for several months a few weeks after his affair ended. When he got back, we got marriage counseling, and he got individual counseling and some psychological counseling as well.

 

Things are so much better now...of course, we have all the usual ups and downs, but over all, I am very happy ( and I think he is too)

[ComingInHot]

RickFox: I appreciate your post. It meant a-lot to from a FWH that has chosen to reconcile and work to fix what was broken or missing or whatever in your situation.

 

I think you should add your thoughts to another thread about "if they cheat w/you, will they cheat on you". You would offer a great dimension to that thread.

 

I have a question for you... Are you in MC w/your wife? Or just doing everything but that. Either way, why? Because you want to? At the demand of BW? Because you don't feel you need it or do need it? **

[beenburned]

CIH,

 

That is one reason I enjoy LS!!

 

You hear from all sides of the triangle, and sometimes gain a whole different perspective when looking at it from someone else's viewpoint/experience!

 

Curious,

 

I was a BW many years ago. My H had 3 short term sexual affairs in the early years of our marriage. He only got caught on the 3rd one!

 

He begged and pleaded for me to give him another chance. The only reason I even considered reconciliation, was that both of our children were very young and I was a SAHM.

 

It took about 2 years before I felt like our marriage was going to last. I got a full time job and went to college at night. I wanted to know I could support myself in case we didn't make it.

 

Our kids are grown now and we have grandchildren. My H has never made me sorry I gave him that chance! We are very happy and going strong!

[Spark1111]

My fWH had a 1.5 year affair with a divorced co-worker. Maybe closer to 2 years if you factor in the EA that preceded it.

 

He was caught, but today I believe he wanted to be. She had started putting demands on him for a future, and typically conflict-avoidant, he did not know how to get out of it.

 

I threw him out for 2 months, and then on and off for another month. I was planning to divorce; he was begging to reconcile and she was waiting patiently in the wings for us to fall apart.

 

I'd say two years was a turning point, and somewhere around three years, I really began to feel at peace again.

 

It's been five years now, and he and I are really happy.

 

He did most of the heavy lifting. We did IC, MC (so-so experience for us) and talked, talked, talked about it. I literally put the man through hell. He is still here.

 

It's all good.

 

PS: I told him if there was accidental contact, or intentional contact of any kind, and I wasn't informed immediately, I'd walk.

 

And he has done exactly that.

[underwater2010]

Curious, to those that have successfully reconciled, and/or are currently trying...How long was the betrayal/affair going on before you found out?

 

The EA was about a year long, with very general talking for about 9 months after. I found out 9 months after their last contact. We are 4 months out.

 

Did your BS come forward, or did you discover it?

 

I discovered their messages back and forth on facebook, then found more by digging further.

 

Were you the BH or the BW?

 

BW

 

How long a time period went by before you reconciled

 

About 48 hrs as he was given a choice to stay or go.

 

and how long was it before you were a true couple again, physically and emotionally?

 

About two weeks for me to settle down somewhat emotionally. Many nights of crying in each others arms. We also went the hysterical bonding, but the sex is amazing now.

 

Seems to me, most A's that come clean rather than get caught have a better shot at reconciling

 

You need to add that the WSs that can see what they did as wrong and be remorseful add to the higher chance of reconciliation. Let alone if it was a first DDay versus multiple DDays.

 

, and also seems that more BW's can see through the A to try to reconcile

 

I would be inclined to agree with that. But then again we tend to be fixers. I think an affair hits men not only physically but their egos suffer as well.

 

, as opposed to BH, who seem to be unable to get through it. Anyone, care to share? Thanks : )

Edited September 20, 2012 by underwater2010

[mercy]

Curious, to those that have successfully reconciled, and/or are currently trying...How long was the betrayal/affair going on before you found out?

 

A couple of months. h ended it because he couldn't live with what he was doing.

 

Did your BS come forward, or did you discover it?

 

h confessed what he had done to his bible study group. I had been asking for a divorce so he didn't think I'd care one way or another. One man from the group came to me at one point and said your h is hurting. All of the wives were my good friends and not one man broke his confidence. I didn't expect them to, nor did they say anything to their wives. I was in a bad place and they gave me my space. The OW called me, laughing wanting to know if I knew who my h f***ed. And I began to cry.

 

Were you the BH or the BW?

 

BW

 

How long a time period went by before you reconciled, and how long was it before you were a true couple again, physically and emotionally?

 

Began the reconciliation process while I was still on the phone with the OW. I saw in his eyes what he meant to me and what I meant to him. I saw a lost man that I had hurt deeply and I felt shame. Physically and emotionally that day.

 

 

 

Me? 4 months since D Day. Living apart, currently unable to see passed the A, and reconcile, but I do want to somehow find a way. A was a 2 yr ongoing A that was caught. I am a BH. We are both in counseling, separately, at the moment. WS is interested in reconciling, doing and saying the right things, says she has NC with OM, but really....who knows for sure. Thanks all : )

 

The want to, desire to, is the first step. Counseling is a must, at least it was for us. Take your time, heal in your time, forgive in your time. And talk, really talk.

[RickFox]

RickFox: I appreciate your post. It meant a-lot to from a FWH that has chosen to reconcile and work to fix what was broken or missing or whatever in your situation.

 

I think you should add your thoughts to another thread about "if they cheat w/you, will they cheat on you". You would offer a great dimension to that thread.

 

I have a question for you... Are you in MC w/your wife? Or just doing everything but that. Either way, why? Because you want to? At the demand of BW? Because you don't feel you need it or do need it? **

 

We are not in MC as my wife is very stubborn in that aspect and felt that she would be judged, even when I begged and pleaded with her. So I went to counselling on my own, realized alot and while my wife still won't talk with anyone, she has opened up a bit to me so she has gotten some of the feelings out. We have had some pretty bad fights, which I expected, one just about led to the end, but it happened the wrong way, in front of our daughter, who then became physically ill when my W told her they were leaving the house..... My family is my world, and I will do anything to keep them and not screw things up again as long as she's willing to keep me.

[ComingInHot]

RickFox;: That's pretty much how it is (in reverse) w/my FWH. Nice to know I'm not alone in that husband will NOT do counseling but is open in everything else. I think it makes it harder & longer to heal, but I'd rather try then give up*

[Decorative]

I found out at three years.

 

Then we had a 9 month false recovery.

 

I never knew anything was amiss. In retrospect- I see certain issues that now I know are red flags. But we had a happy marriage. He still maintains that.

 

The false recovery was the roughest part. The gaslighting was really bad. And it took me awhile to catch them. But once I did- he was exposed and kicked out of the house- and everyone who ever met both of them was told.

 

I was just sharing their happiness with the world.

 

 

It took about six months to both start trying to work on the marriage. I would say we are progressing very nicely. It's been a lot of work on both parts. It's been 2.5 years now. And he was out of the house , broken up with her, for six months before he was allowed home to attempt reconciliation.

Edited September 20, 2012 by Decorative

[curious4319]

Thanks for the replies. I posted in hopes of finding people who had been through similar situations and were able to work through it. I am the BH, my WS had an 18 month affair with someone we both know. She didnt stop the A, which was more an EA than a real one, although they were involved sexually as well...6 times or so. Anyway, as i said, she didnt stop, she was caught. Claims an "aha moment" where she realized what she really wanted was me. Has been very remorseful, agreeable to counseling, claims to have adhered to the NC rule, and basically done everything i have asked as well as send me numerous emails, texts, letters, and cards, explaining herself and reclaiming her undying love for me. BUT, I do not believe her, and I cant get over the anger. When we are apart (we are not currently living together) i think we can get through this, and when i see or talk to her, the anger overwhelms me and I pick fights with her constantly, which I should say....she walks away from and allows me to vent my anger. In fairness we are 3 months removed from D Day. We have been together 20 yrs, married 17, have 2 kids, and I wish I could try to work through this anger. Any advice?

[96nole]

Thanks for the replies. I posted in hopes of finding people who had been through similar situations and were able to work through it. I am the BH, my WS had an 18 month affair with someone we both know. She didnt stop the A, which was more an EA than a real one, although they were involved sexually as well...6 times or so. Anyway, as i said, she didnt stop, she was caught. Claims an "aha moment" where she realized what she really wanted was me. Has been very remorseful, agreeable to counseling, claims to have adhered to the NC rule, and basically done everything i have asked as well as send me numerous emails, texts, letters, and cards, explaining herself and reclaiming her undying love for me. BUT, I do not believe her, and I cant get over the anger. When we are apart (we are not currently living together) i think we can get through this, and when i see or talk to her, the anger overwhelms me and I pick fights with her constantly, which I should say....she walks away from and allows me to vent my anger. In fairness we are 3 months removed from D Day. We have been together 20 yrs, married 17, have 2 kids, and I wish I could try to work through this anger. Any advice?

 

This is still very fresh. Your world was just blown up by the person you thought you could trust the most. She was lying and betraying you for a long time. Your anger is expected. It will not go away over night. You need to understand that. And most importantly, she needs to understand that.

 

Reconciliations can take years. Take is slow. She needs to do the hard work to prove to you that she can be trusted again. Do you have access to her phone records and email to prove she is NC? She needs to do everything you ask of her to prove she want to fix this.

 

I can't imagine this has been easy on the kids as well. Be as strong for them as you can.

[curious4319]

Hi, thanks for the words, much appreciated. Yes, she has given me access to the phone records, and emails. But, lets be realistic, if she wanted to contact him without my knowledge, there is no real way i would know. She could have a throw away cell phone, she may have additional email accts i am unaware of that she could use from work. She told me that in the past, if she wanted to talk to him, while the affair was going on, she would borrow a coworkers cell to call him. There are so many different ways they may be in contact, the only real way to know is to believe her, and trust her, and we know how thats going, lol : )

[BetrayedH]

Just a few quick thoughts:

 

Get a grip on your anger. Period. I ended up in an orange jumpsuit for throwing my wife out the front door. The situation changes pretty dramatically if your wife ever officially becomes the victim. You won't regret anything more than those actions. Your wife does need to help you through the rollercoaster of emotions that she has created for you but she doesn't have to accept abuse. YOU must take ownership of that piece. Agree never to raise your voice or swear at her and own that commitment. If you want to reconcile, this part has to go. Also consider limiting affair discussions to predetermined times with a definite ending point (E.g. One hour, three nights a week) and celebrate the open and safe dialogue with something you both enjoy (like a dish of your favorite ice cream). The fact is that you need to discuss it, process it and go through it but it has to be a safe environment for her to open up or it isn't going to work.

 

The other thing I recommend is ending the separation. The longer this goes, the more you will both detach. Separations to force a wayward to make a choice are perfectly ok (and what I would recommend) but once the wayward has truly gone no contact with the OM and is committed to restoring the marriage (and assuming you want to reconcile), it is time for you to reconnect. That happens by spending more time together, not less.

[Furious]

Curious, to those that have successfully reconciled, and/or are currently trying...How long was the betrayal/affair going on before you found out? Did your BS come forward, or did you discover it? Were you the BH or the BW? How long a time period went by before you reconciled, and how long was it before you were a true couple again, physically and emotionally? Seems to me, most A's that come clean rather than get caught have a better shot at reconciling, and also seems that more BW's can see through the A to try to reconcile, as opposed to BH, who seem to be unable to get through it. Anyone, care to share? Thanks : )

 

Me? 4 months since D Day. Living apart, currently unable to see passed

the A, and reconcile, but I do want to somehow find a way. A was a 2 yr ongoing A that was caught. I am a BH. We are both in counseling, separately, at the moment. WS is interested in reconciling, doing and saying the right things, says she has NC with OM, but really....who knows for sure. Thanks all : )

 

 

It's been just over one year since d-day for me. As soon I disvovered the affair and got solid proof through a Private Investigator I handed my husband his suitcase and wished him well. He did not want to leave but I

asked for the space I needed. I had no thoughts of reconciling, in my mind i prepared for divorce, attained legal advice, got my ducks in order, got into IC for myself and my children.

 

It was my husband who pleaded for and arranged MC, and he returned home. We were lucky that we had an excellent MC who made it very clear

to my husband that if he wanted to reconcile he must be 100% honest and answer all my questions, and that omitting the truth was just as wrong as telling a lie. From there I finally got the truth and details I needed. As much as the truth about the affair hurt me I honestly believe it was the lies that crushed me.

 

After 6 weeks of MC I needed a break from it, was too painful, as I was reeling from the truth my husband finally gave me. So many lies, lies in

different sizes, and each and everyone of them was like a cut from a sharp knife. But everyday I tended those cuts and made it to another day. We have returned to MC on and off this past year.

 

My advice to you, would be to not rush into a false reconciliation, in which you offer cheap forgiveness and bury the pain deep into your gut.

Reconciliation is a process, one step at time, and sometimes 3 steps back, and at times it feels more like you're crawling instead of walking.

 

I also think IC is essential, and that you must be good to yourself, and that you need to follow your heart with your brain leading the way.

Edited September 24, 2012 by Furious
Correction

[curious4319]

Thanks Betrayed,

Just to clarify, my anger, is real...but contained. I do go off on verbal tirades, and spew venomous words from my mouth at her, which are wrong, but the anger overwhelms me. I havent got, nor will i get, physically violent with her, despite my anger. But, thanks for the advice. I like your idea about how we should discuss things at predetermined times, and that would work, except i get too angry and go off, and that gets us nowhere. And as far as communicating socially about anything, we dont do that, I cant get to that point. It angers me to know what she did to me and our family, and that we have to go through this know. Maybe, all these signs are simply signs telling me, i do need to move on in my life without her. That is something that i never once thought of before D Day.

I agree with you on ending the separation, but how? We cant be around each other without a tirade. We have 2 young kids, and I dont want them exposed to that, but i do agree with you that the longer it has gone on the more we are both detached from each other. but i am so messed up one minute i cant wait to divorce her, next i want to work through it, if possible. I feel with the overwhelming anger towards her, we will be divorced soon and depending on my mood that might be a good or a bad thing. Its funny how this situation has turned a normal, regular guy into a raving lunatic. Im just a mess. And, I so like to read these boards for hope and inspiration. thanks again

[Planofool]

First of all good luck to you. It has been a little over 5 years since I discovered my wife's EA with an old boyfriend. They had a phone affair for 3 months before I caught on. After digging through the house I discovered letters from him from before we were married. So at that time that would make it 24 years of the affair.

We are still married but it isn't much of a marriage....about once a month she brings up the fact that we aren't in love anymore and maybe we should part company, but we don't.

I don't see how anybody can recover from an affair. I still check her phone and the phone records......no trust at all. Most of what she told me about her past and the men in her life was skewed to make her look better.

We did the counseling thing both together and by ourselves. She has actually gone twice this year but it's for her hoarding problem. She said she is going to start talking about us but I doubt it.

So hang in there and don't be like me do what is best for you.

[road]

First of all good luck to you. It has been a little over 5 years since I discovered my wife's EA with an old boyfriend. They had a phone affair for 3 months before I caught on. After digging through the house I discovered letters from him from before we were married. So at that time that would make it 24 years of the affair.

We are still married but it isn't much of a marriage....about once a month she brings up the fact that we aren't in love anymore and maybe we should part company, but we don't.

I don't see how anybody can recover from an affair. I still check her phone and the phone records......no trust at all. Most of what she told me about her past and the men in her life was skewed to make her look better.

We did the counseling thing both together and by ourselves. She has actually gone twice this year but it's for her hoarding problem. She said she is going to start talking about us but I doubt it.

So hang in there and don't be like me do what is best for you.

 

Get the book Suriving An Affair by Dr Harley.