I left home because my wife cheated on me and the baby is not mine!

[jccherrera]

I posted my case about a month ago, I will summarize it a bit. I was passing through a very though time back then, and I still feel bad about it, I'm trying to move on but I really miss my life as a family man.

I left home after realizing that my wife had cheated on me, We had been together for almost 11 years, (I'm 31) and she had already had a little girl when we started dating, she was 1 year old when we started dating and since then she has been like my own daughter, we have a baby boy now he will turn 2 next September.

To make a long story short I found out my wife cheated on me and I realized the baby is not mine, she confessed she had sex once with a friend of her (that's what she says), she said she did this because we had a fight about having a baby back then, I didn't want to have kids because she had a really bad temper and a jealousy problem, all this added to money issues.

Getting back to the story, she said she was very angry because the one she loved didn’t want to have kids with her (that’s what she said) and decided to look for this guy and had sex with him, she said she wanted a baby no matter what, or who in this case. The thing is that we worked it out after a couple of days, and a month later we realized we were expecting a baby.

Now about a couple of months ago after knowing she had cheated on me I decided to have a dna test for my baby and when I got the results...I had never seen so many zeros ! The baby was not mine.

She said she was very sorry and told me she never expected to get pregnant form the other guy ( she cried a lot), also She told me she didn't expect me to forgive her for this. I was disappointed and angry when realized all this mess... this was Jerry Springer stuff; I asked her if she had been cheated on me with this guy for a long time and she said that she had sex with him just once ( I can't believe this by the way).

Well the thing is that two days after I got the results I left home, of course I talked to my family about it and they all supported me, they were as disappointed as i was and since then I just have talked to her a few times over the phone; I have already talked to a lawyer and I'm getting divorced, she told me she talked to the guy about the baby and he's willing to take responsibility.

I feel bad because I love the baby, he was My baby for almost two years, My family and friends tell be the best thing to do is to stay away and take away my last name off the child and avoid any contact with any of them.

I feel bad about my daughter, I call her my daughter since i actually raised her for almost 11 years, I know she's not responsible of this mess, but I don't know how good or bad it could be to see her, since in the end she's not my daughter either, she doesn't have my last name but I love her. I would like to stay in touch with her, her bio father never talks to her so for her I’m daddy.

I miss them all, even my wife, sometimes I forget about all this mess and I wish everything were as it used to be but I know This is a deal breaker, I don't think I could really get to forgive her.

She says she wants me back at home, she says that this was a very stupid mistake and that she loves me. Also she says that we can try to work it out, I am really confused because I miss my kids, but they are not mine. Everybody tells me I should stay away from all them but I feel I abandoned my kids

I feel I lost everything but I know it wouldn’t be fair for me to keep up with her even though I still love her , it might sound stupid but I’ve spent almost 12 years with her .

Am I doing the right thing? I would appreciate your advice since this is a very difficult situation for me.

Thanks.

[reboot]

It doesn't matter what her DNA says, you are her father.

[whichwayisup]

You could legally adopt the baby as your own. I take it the other guy doesn't know or wants nothing to do with his 2 year old? I assume too, that the A is over and your wife isn't seeing or speaking to him anymore? This is a biggie, if they are still in touch then it'll be harder to work it out with her.

 

I suggest counselling before making any final decisions. The baby may not be your blood son, but he is your son. He is the only father he knows.

 

If your wife is remorseful and feels so awful, give her a chance. Before you did the DNA test, how was your marriage?

[GLDheart]

Oh man. The easiest thing to do is walk away. But the right thing? I sure as hell don't know. Damn.

 

I can say that I am sorry for your pain. She is scum. Absolute scum. It's a federal crime to reach into your mailbox and tamper with a letter, but what she did... no problem. Seriously, how is this betrayal $hit not illegal?

 

I won't even try to give you advice on this it is way beyond my experience.

[CarrieT]

she says that we can try to work it out, I am really confused because I miss my kids, but they are not mine. Everybody tells me I should stay away from all them but I feel I abandoned my kids

I feel I lost everything but I know it wouldn’t be fair for me to keep up with her even though I still love her , it might sound stupid but I’ve spent almost 12 years with her .

Am I doing the right thing? I would appreciate your advice since this is a very difficult situation for me.

 

Obviously you can't trust anything she says and of course she wants you back; you were her stability and rock when she was the one who was deceiving.

 

I would suggest you start counseling IMMEDIATELY. Don't make a decision based on her pleading or desires but on what is good for YOU.

 

A good therapist will help you work through the immediate loss and then, if you feel you can forgive her -- because that will be a key to re-joining the family -- then maybe you can start marriage counseling and work on rebuilding the relationships.

 

Best of luck.

[jccherrera]

Hey whichwayisup

Well... before the DNA test our marriage was a normal one, we had our arguments, but nothing really serious, I always had some doubts about this guy. She talked about this guy sometimes, I even knew him as one of her friends but I never paid a lot of attention to him as my wife's lover or something. What I know is that now since he's willing to take responsibility he's already visiting the baby. I don't think I could stand looking at this guy for the rest of my life Ii think it's not good for anyone.

She said that if I give her a chance she will give me a baby of my own, I also think this wouldn't be ok, it feels like she would be doing this just to compensate, I don't think it’s right. Still there are so many things we have been through which makes me wonder if there might be a chance to work it out, but there are more cons than pros in this one.

[GLDheart]

If it was me, I could never get back with that woman. Even someone blessed with the beauty of quasimoto deserves better.

 

I went through similar when my Fiancee cheated and destroyed my family. I will never trust her again regardless of forgiveness. For me trust is vital in a healthy relationship. That tells me that I am incapable of having a healthy relationship with my ex. How you would ever have a healthy relationship with this woman is unfathomable to me.

 

But my situation is similar to yours like hamburger is to steak... and your wife she gave you the full course.

[mark982]

the first thing i would do is see a lawyer about getting your name off the bith cert.you can still be there physically and financially if you want but will no longer be bound by the courts to do so. then i would divorce her ho-ing rearend,if you think this was a 1 shot deal,i got some property to sell you! and she's already introduced your little one to him? come on---she never stopped seeing him.

[yessy21]

Obviously you can't trust anything she says and of course she wants you back; you were her stability and rock when she was the one who was deceiving.

 

I would suggest you start counseling IMMEDIATELY. Don't make a decision based on her pleading or desires but on what is good for YOU.

 

A good therapist will help you work through the immediate loss and then, if you feel you can forgive her -- because that will be a key to re-joining the family -- then maybe you can start marriage counseling and work on rebuilding the relationships.

 

Best of luck.

 

I happen to agree in some terms with this.

But i after trying to put myself in your shoes i realize that this is going to be one of the hardest things you will ever do.

 

Its not that little girls fault. Maybe you can talk to her... try to take her to lunch. Give her your phone number, make sure that she can call you if she needs anything from you, any type of emotional support. She will understand that its not your fault and that you do want to be there for her.

I mean in some kind of way you will make her realize that what her mother did... was atrocious and cruel. I bet you she will never forgive her for that either. if you stay... she will think that its okay for her to do that to someone one day.

[drifter777]

I'll say it again, ff you try to reconcile with your cheating (and lying) wife it will fail since every time you see the child you will trigger on her betrayal. It can't work. By walking away you are doing the right thing. Right now you don't miss her - you miss your old life, and she destroyed that and it's never going to be there again. See a counselor and give yourself more time. If you want to stay in your older daughters life there should be a way to make that happen.

 

You are still in a psychological crisis and you need to try to stop seeing only the negative things in your life. Stay strong, stay in counseling, and you will recover from this and pursue a fresh, new life.

[eeyore1981]

I'm so sorry. I can hear the pain in your post.

I'm only going to respond to the part about the little girl because I feel completely unqualified to discuss the rest.

 

My biological father didn't want anything to do with my mom or me when she got pregnant. She made the choice to have a baby and raise me on her own. What she didn't count on was my Dad. My dad and she met when I was about 2 and to this day, he says he fell in love with both of us and we became a family. He raised me as his, and I was his daughter in every way. He adopted me eventualy and that became the date I celebrate my birthday instead of a week earlier when my "official" birthday actually is. It honestly never occured to me until after I was in my 20s that my siblings were my "half" siblings. We were just a family.

 

Please stay in touch with your daughter, even if she isn't "yours" because in your heart, and in her heart, you will always be her Dad. The person that biologically created her isn't the one that holds that place in her heart, it's you. If you can manage to not blame her for the things her mom has done, and you want a relationship and sense of family with her, please do it. Set up a relationship with her outside of the rest, maybe a once a week lunch or however often it can be agreed to, and try and get the mom too agree to visitation, legally and in writing, while she is trying to get in your good graces. You'll be glad you have that piece of paper if you can. In the meantime, make sure someone in this little girls life knows you want to stay in her world... in case mom decides to try and use her as leverage.

 

I wish you so much luck with this.. and peace.

 

This is just the thing. For him to get out of this marriage, he has to leave two children he has viewed as his own, and if his wife chooses, she can make it where he never gets to see them again until they come of age, because no matter how he feels about them, legally, there's nothing he can do.

 

So it's not as easy as 'kick the worthless skankbag to the curb.' I can't help but feel people who are able to do that without a second thought, especially when there are children involved, are pretty selfish themselves. Sometimes people make the decision to take one for the team, and 'team' doesn't necessarily mean the cheater. What this woman has done to her family is so unacceptable, and now everyone, her husband and her children, get to pay the price for her behavior regardless of divorce or reconciliation.

 

OP, my heart goes out to you, you lose no matter what you do.

[reboot]

the first thing i would do is see a lawyer about getting your name off the bith cert.

 

That's next to impossible to do.

[yessy21]

That's next to impossible to do.

 

 

Everything is possible. you just have to want it.

[reboot]

Everything is possible. you just have to want it.

 

No, when it comes to laws and courts, not everything is possible. They were married at the time the child was born, and his name is on the BC. Good luck EVER getting that changed.

[road]

No, when it comes to laws and courts, not everything is possible. They were married at the time the child was born, and his name is on the BC. Good luck EVER getting that changed.

 

 

There is usually a 2 year time frame. Being that he can prove who the bio dad is can only help him.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Ohhhh I'm so sorry for wat you are going through

 

It sounds in some ways similar to me...but my wife at least told me she wasn't sure who the father was as soon as she was pregnant. She also told me it had only been one night. The truth was it was a 4 month affair. I had to do a lot of snooping to learn that truth. It was devastating when I found that out, she pretty much lied only telling as much truth as she had to the whole way.

 

TO be clear, I don't have a baby to be concerned about like you do, she miscarried a week after telling me she was pregnant.

 

I understand your doubts about leaving. I had to put everything into making my marraige work before I got out. Even without an illigetimate child to try to love it didn't work out between us...the lies and minimizing the extent of the affair was part of that, but mostly it had to do with her not going NC with OM.

 

I'm kinda rambling, but the point I want to make is that I had to try my hardest to make the marriage work before I left. It gave me some piece of mind that I had done everything I could...but the strife and friction that occured during that 6 month failed reconcilliation period made things worse I think. I don't really regret what I did, but in your case you might since there is a baby growing fast. Your wife sounds so similar to mine, except even worse, she never told you who the father was. I tried like hell to make my marriage work and failed. You've got it so much worse than I had, you can go for it and ease your mind that you tried and tested your limits, but frankly I don't recommend it. I'm gonna go with the rest of the crowd and say that you are doing the right thing by moving on. I completely understand your doubts. I go over my situation every day over and over still, reminding myself I had to leave because I couldn't ever trust her again, because I couldn't keep my sanity. It's the right thing for me and I'm pretty sure it'll end up being the right thing for you as well.

[Artie Lang]

sorry to hear it, but i don't know how you recover from this.

 

what makes it more complicated is that this OM is in this child's life now.where does that leave you?

 

run.....run fast and hard.

[yessy21]

No, when it comes to laws and courts, not everything is possible. They were married at the time the child was born, and his name is on the BC. Good luck EVER getting that changed.

 

well, since he didnt know the court will make a change. trust me, my brother's friend, he got a good lawyer... took her to court and had it changed. the only one OP cant change is the child that he adopted willingly. but she cant prove that he knew that the child wasnt his. Sad but true.

[alexandria35]

You could legally adopt the baby as your own. I take it the other guy doesn't know or wants nothing to do with his 2 year old? I assume too, that the A is over and your wife isn't seeing or speaking to him anymore? This is a biggie, if they are still in touch then it'll be harder to work it out with her.

 

I suggest counselling before making any final decisions. The baby may not be your blood son, but he is your son. He is the only father he knows.

 

If your wife is remorseful and feels so awful, give her a chance. Before you did the DNA test, how was your marriage?

 

I don't know if wwiu's suggestion of legal adoption is possible but it sure would be an excellent solution to being able to stay in the kids lives even if you divorce, of course you would be responsible for child support also, but since you were married to her at the time of birth and you accepted the child as your own you might have to pay child support anyways.

 

The reason I like the idea of legal adoption is because it would give you a legal right to see your son and your daughter too if you adopted her as well. If you continue to see the kids but you don't having any legal documents that state your rights, then if your wife gets serious with another guy later on she will most likely want you to go away and she will start pushing you out of the kids lives at that time. I would say you have to make a choice one way or the other and then follow up on that decision wholeheartedly. If you decide you want to continue to be a dad to those kids then get busy looking into how you can get legal rights to do so. If you don't want to be legally responsible for them, then walk away now and completely sever your relationship with your son before you and he get more attached because if you divorce and you have no legal rights then your wife will take your son away from you at some point down the road. The little girl is a different matter because she know you and she is getting to an age where she can maybe assert her wants and needs somewhat, so do try to stay in touch with her.

[Jamesblame]

You could file for paternity rights over your 11 year old and then divorce your hag of a wife.

[jnj express]

Get your D., and in time, you will find the right woman, and you can then have the child you want

 

Your alleged wife---says it was a mistake---that is BS---she made the CHOICE to find this guy and have his child----and you WILL have him in your life for the next 16 yrs.

 

As to the 11 yr old girl, lets be honest---once kids become teenagers, parents lose touch, it's just the way it seems to be nowadays-----If you ever have to discipline her---she will throw the you are not her father in your face---so be realistic about all of this, and get your D

 

If you really find you can't live w/out this woman who had no problem cheating on you, while she was mad at you---you can always start over with her, and see how it goes, after the D., is final.

 

For right now---let her have a taste of reality, as in life as a D, single mother of 2 kids, hoping like He*l, the real father of the 2 yr old will pay his child support for the next 16 yrs----she knew you were there, the whole time she went looking for the guy to make the baby with---she didn't give you any respect whatsoever---she knew what this would do to you---and she still willingly cheated on you----you have made the right decision---move on---none of these kids are yours, they are from this woman, who likes to spread herself around, and make babies with whoever she finds that will accomadate her!!!!!