Things will get better for you...

[frozensprouts]

There are so many stories on here that are full of the heartache that often surrounds an affair.

 

I know it can be really hard to believe when you are going through it, but things can ( and do) get better...life can be good again. ( personally, i remember feeling so sad and confused...desperate to know that no matter what happened, things could be good for me and my children again...and they are)

 

If you have been through an affair as a betrayed spouse and are "on the other side" and are at a point where you can find happiness in your life again, please share ( whether you reconciled or went your separate ways...)

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Things will get better

 

 

Isn't that how Chico and the Man began???

 

 

 

And look what happened to Chico.

[drifter777]

I'm not a BS who has popped out the other side and found peace. I'm definitely not one of those BS's who claim that their marriage/relationship is now "better than ever".

 

When anyone says "things will get better" I'm not sure how to take it. When my mother died people told me that I would feel better as time passed. When my best friend died people said the same thing. For me, the only thing that happened was I learned how to compartmentalize the pain and hide it away in my mind. Today when things trigger those memories like a birthday or a holiday or a photograph, the hurt and sadness returns. It's very similar to my wife's cheating.

 

So, what does "things will get better" means? Is it the same as "get over it"? Is "healing" just learning how to hide things away in our mind better?

[GLDheart]

...So, what does "things will get better" means?...

 

It's been about four months for me since my world went nuclear (It is so bad I have never even written about the full extent of the destruction wrought upon me).

 

For me, "things will get better" has alot of meaning. I have new ambition and drive to get more out of everyday. I now live healthier and look better than ever. I now "care" about things that before I was ambivalent towards.

 

But the biggest improvement is more internal. After the event blew up in my face I was left shell shocked and numb. It took maybe two months for it all to even sink in. I walked around with the saying "fake it until you make it" as my motto. Everything felt hollow. I felt like an actor going though the motions... life was cold and gray. It just sucked.

 

Well, now four months out, color is returning to day to day living. I now see a positive future. In three words: optimism is returning.

[frozensprouts]

I'm not a BS who has popped out the other side and found peace. I'm definitely not one of those BS's who claim that their marriage/relationship is now "better than ever".

 

When anyone says "things will get better" I'm not sure how to take it. When my mother died people told me that I would feel better as time passed. When my best friend died people said the same thing. For me, the only thing that happened was I learned how to compartmentalize the pain and hide it away in my mind. Today when things trigger those memories like a birthday or a holiday or a photograph, the hurt and sadness returns. It's very similar to my wife's cheating.

 

So, what does "things will get better" means? Is it the same as "get over it"? Is "healing" just learning how to hide things away in our mind better?

 

drifter...

maybe you are one of the ones who's life won't get better if you stay with you spouse. Some marriages are like that. Some people aren't able to reconcile, and even if they say in their marriage, things won't be any better...

From everything you have written, it sounds like you need to start living your life for yourself and start doing what's right for you. You've done your best to give other happiness, now what about you? After all these years, don't you deserve some peace of mind?

[drifter777]

drifter...

maybe you are one of the ones who's life won't get better if you stay with you spouse. Some marriages are like that. Some people aren't able to reconcile, and even if they say in their marriage, things won't be any better...

From everything you have written, it sounds like you need to start living your life for yourself and start doing what's right for you. You've done your best to give other happiness, now what about you? After all these years, don't you deserve some peace of mind?

 

So you don't think "getting better" could mean that you successfully compartmentalize and force all of the pain into some corner of your mind? Neither do I. I think that this kind of avoidance is more likely to result in "temporarily feeling better" than actually "getting better".

 

Nearly everyone on this forum is dealing with a relatively recent case of infidelity so maybe those BS's who feel that things are getting better have simply forced it out of their minds - for now. The counselor I see has repeatedly told me that issues around infidelity often flare up many, many years after the event was supposedly resolved. She has seen it so often in her practice that she has changed the way she works with individuals or couples at the time the cheating occurs in an attempt to help the couple really get to the bottom of it. And she has told me that it has lead to more divorces but she feels the couples end up healthier than her previous methods of treatment. This should serve as a warning to BS's and WS's alike. Cheap forgiveness in an attempt to "put it all behind you" because of the kids or because you fear the eventual results of honest confrontation is not going to last.

 

I think we are kidding ourselves when we tell other BS's that things will get better. That's simply too broad a statement. I mean, if we're only talking about the stunning shock and numbness you feel on d-day then yes, I agree that you will feel better physically in a few hours. But emotionally you may never feel truly better about what your spouse has done. Different emotions will surface so I'd be a lot more comfortable telling BS's they will feel differently and may feel better in time.

 

I have harangued on this point on this forum for over a year and will continue to do so. Couples must deal with infidelity head-on and expect a long, tough road if they choose to reconcile. They need to be open to the fact that the reconciliation can fail no matter how hard they work, and that if it does it is for the best. When the WS begs the BS to "put this behind us" and "move forward" the BS should not cave in to this bullying. Both parties need to work on restoring a level of respect and trust that make staying together worthwhile. Sucking it up and hoping that time will heal us is NOT the way to get through this.

[reboot]

I'm not a BS who has popped out the other side and found peace. I'm definitely not one of those BS's who claim that their marriage/relationship is now "better than ever".

 

When anyone says "things will get better" I'm not sure how to take it. When my mother died people told me that I would feel better as time passed. When my best friend died people said the same thing. For me, the only thing that happened was I learned how to compartmentalize the pain and hide it away in my mind. Today when things trigger those memories like a birthday or a holiday or a photograph, the hurt and sadness returns. It's very similar to my wife's cheating.

 

So, what does "things will get better" means? Is it the same as "get over it"? Is "healing" just learning how to hide things away in our mind better?

 

I couldn't have said it any better.

[Steadfast]

My pop used to say "Before you can do anything, you must want to".

 

Another truism:

 

"Some people evolve from their problems, some revolve around them".

 

Before we can accomplish anything, we first must desire to. Some...many, are so angry at the injustice of betrayal that their desire to punish is overwhelming. When attempts to punish those who wronged them fail to satisfy, they begin to punish themselves. This bitterness keeps us in pain.

 

In my case, so much of my identity was wrapped up in her and our marriage. When I reached the point where I decided I wanted to be happy again, I applied equal measures of humility, love, self motivation and desire to my life. It didn't make any of the bad things go away, it simply gave my mind and my heart a new task. Yes; I still love my ex...not 'in love' but care. I don't hate her, I hate what she did and how she did it.

 

I keep me working on me, and deeply appreciate the love I'm given. I give not to receive, but because I enjoy being in a place where happiness is present. So much of healing involves loving yourself; not 'entitled' to happiness. That is earned, as is the ability to deal with the opposite.

[eeyore1981]

My pop used to say "Before you can do anything, you must want to".

 

Another truism:

 

"Some people evolve from their problems, some revolve around them".

 

Before we can accomplish anything, we first must desire to. Some...many, are so angry at the injustice of betrayal that their desire to punish is overwhelming. When attempts to punish those who wronged them fail to satisfy, they begin to punish themselves. This bitterness keeps us in pain.

 

In my case, so much of my identity was wrapped up in her and our marriage. When I reached the point where I decided I wanted to be happy again, I applied equal measures of humility, love, self motivation and desire to my life. It didn't make any of the bad things go away, it simply gave my mind and my heart a new task. Yes; I still love my ex...not 'in love' but care. I don't hate her, I hate what she did and how she did it.

 

I keep me working on me, and deeply appreciate the love I'm given. I give not to receive, but because I enjoy being in a place where happiness is present. So much of healing involves loving yourself; not 'entitled' to happiness. That is earned, as is the ability to deal with the opposite.

 

There's a lot of things I would love some payback over. It would be nice for me if my H got a small taste of what he's put me through, but I'm not going to damage myself to accomplish it.

[mercy]

My pop used to say "Before you can do anything, you must want to".

 

Another truism:

 

"Some people evolve from their problems, some revolve around them".

 

Before we can accomplish anything, we first must desire to. Some...many, are so angry at the injustice of betrayal that their desire to punish is overwhelming. When attempts to punish those who wronged them fail to satisfy, they begin to punish themselves. This bitterness keeps us in pain.

 

In my case, so much of my identity was wrapped up in her and our marriage. When I reached the point where I decided I wanted to be happy again, I applied equal measures of humility, love, self motivation and desire to my life. It didn't make any of the bad things go away, it simply gave my mind and my heart a new task. Yes; I still love my ex...not 'in love' but care. I don't hate her, I hate what she did and how she did it.

 

I keep me working on me, and deeply appreciate the love I'm given. I give not to receive, but because I enjoy being in a place where happiness is present. So much of healing involves loving yourself; not 'entitled' to happiness. That is earned, as is the ability to deal with the opposite.

 

 

I just love this post it is filled with such truisms!

 

Oh and I'm stealing this - "Some people evolve from their problems, some revolve around them".

I'm an honest thief.

 

FS, immediately following dd we went into counseling and my individual counselor asked what I wanted - what do you want, I was shaking so bad, beginning to cry, my mind was racing, I couldn't believe all I wanted. The only thing that came out was, can you make this go away. I meant that from my heart. That's really all I wanted. She said no. After a while I said ok I want mercy. And she quoted -

 

The quality of mercy is not strained.

It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven,

Upon the place beneath.

It is twice blessed.

It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

It is mightiest in the mightiest,

It becomes the throned monarch better than his crown.

His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,

An attribute to awe and majesty.

Wherein doth sit the dread and fear of kings.

But mercy is above this sceptred sway,

It is enthroned in the hearts of kings,

It is an attribute to God himself.

And earthly power dost then show likest God's,

Where mercy seasons justice.

(Shakespeare)

 

 

Ten years I've talked with this woman. I now call her my twice a month paid companion.

 

 

There was never any doubt in my mind that I would forgive h. I knew the man he was and the man be wanted to become again. He was broken, I was broken. But through it all our main purpose was to live this life together and live it with joy. And that's what we have done. Through all the tears, all the yelling, all the tantrums (me) in my moments of self pity. I would wake him in the middle of the night with questions. He sat up and answered. It was him hearing my pain that brought me comfort, he knew it and so he did what it took to help me heal.

 

 

Never looked back, never doubted for one minute that I simply adored the man and he holds my heart in the palm of his hand and he guards it with his life.

 

 

Is it peaches and cream everyday? Well, h*ll no, he is a man after all and I do have to live with him.

[frozensprouts]

things can and will get better for you whether or not you stay with your spouse...but I guess there is a caveat-one has to allow themselves to see the good in life again...sometimes you actually have to force yourself to see it, but it is there.

 

I'm not saying that one will ever get to a point where they feel good about their spouse cheating, but rather that one can get to a point where they can begin to feel good about life in general

 

Perhaps if it's been a really long time since the affair ended and the world is still grey and sad for you, then there is more going on...

[mercy]

We all know in our hearts what we can and cannot live with. There are no right or wrong ways to heal. Stay go, matters not. But what does matter is doing what is best for you. Not allowing bitterness and resentment to seep into the core of your being.

[drifter777]

Well said Drifter...

 

Was just wondering how long you have been trying to reconcile your marriage and if you really feel it is worth it???

Do you feel it is a waste of time?

 

I never tried and glad I did not but I sometimes think what might have been if I had!

 

Just curious.

 

I'm too sick and tired right now to get into details - maybe another time. I wish I had your strength and would have just walked away. For now let's just say too long, no, and yes.

[Owl]

So you don't think "getting better" could mean that you successfully compartmentalize and force all of the pain into some corner of your mind? Neither do I. I think that this kind of avoidance is more likely to result in "temporarily feeling better" than actually "getting better".

 

Nearly everyone on this forum is dealing with a relatively recent case of infidelity so maybe those BS's who feel that things are getting better have simply forced it out of their minds - for now. The counselor I see has repeatedly told me that issues around infidelity often flare up many, many years after the event was supposedly resolved. She has seen it so often in her practice that she has changed the way she works with individuals or couples at the time the cheating occurs in an attempt to help the couple really get to the bottom of it. And she has told me that it has lead to more divorces but she feels the couples end up healthier than her previous methods of treatment. This should serve as a warning to BS's and WS's alike. Cheap forgiveness in an attempt to "put it all behind you" because of the kids or because you fear the eventual results of honest confrontation is not going to last.

 

I think we are kidding ourselves when we tell other BS's that things will get better. That's simply too broad a statement. I mean, if we're only talking about the stunning shock and numbness you feel on d-day then yes, I agree that you will feel better physically in a few hours. But emotionally you may never feel truly better about what your spouse has done. Different emotions will surface so I'd be a lot more comfortable telling BS's they will feel differently and may feel better in time.

 

I have harangued on this point on this forum for over a year and will continue to do so. Couples must deal with infidelity head-on and expect a long, tough road if they choose to reconcile. They need to be open to the fact that the reconciliation can fail no matter how hard they work, and that if it does it is for the best. When the WS begs the BS to "put this behind us" and "move forward" the BS should not cave in to this bullying. Both parties need to work on restoring a level of respect and trust that make staying together worthwhile. Sucking it up and hoping that time will heal us is NOT the way to get through this.

 

Drifter...you and I have disagreed on many occasions.

 

But...especially on this bolded part...I totally agree.

 

Reconciling after infidelity is hard, hard work over a long time. Not everyone can do it, not everyone should try.

 

Not for everyone.

 

It CAN work for some...but for others, often the best answer is to end the marriage and move on with their OWN lives...and focus on their own personal recovery more than anything.

[beenburned]

Only 35% of all marriages touched by infidelity make it in the long run.(they used 5 years after d-day for the stats)

 

I agree with Owl, if you have tried to make it work and are still unhappy, get a divorce. Life is too short to be miserable!

[Betrayed&Stayed]

There are so many stories on here that are full of the heartache that often surrounds an affair.

 

I know it can be really hard to believe when you are going through it, but things can ( and do) get better...life can be good again. ( personally, i remember feeling so sad and confused...desperate to know that no matter what happened, things could be good for me and my children again...and they are)

 

If you have been through an affair as a betrayed spouse and are "on the other side" and are at a point where you can find happiness in your life again, please share ( whether you reconciled or went your separate ways...)

 

It took me three long years (almost to the day) to feel that I had come out "on the other side". Those three years were spent mourning the death of my 'first' marriage. At the end of the 3 year period, I declared that we are now beginning our 'second' marriage.

 

Before d-day, happiness came naturally and easily for me. Now it requires a little more effort. I'm still susceptible to mini bouts of depression from time to time.