I'm planning to cheat back on my husband

[MayFlowers]

What if that's the only way it'll help me get rid of my ongoing anger still, my triggers when we see movies having a small porn section (I still have those images of him and the other woman), depression and verbal outbursts towards him.

 

I was thinking of having a ONS in return with someone I know. Neither marriage counseling nor IC is helping me out in any way getting over his cheating. After thinking about it many times, I have come to the conclusion that's the only for me to finally come to terms with what he did. We don't have kids so it makes it easier.

 

I've been thinking that way because it's not fair at all. I never denied him sex nor intimacy, never was disrespectful towards him nor his family, was always there if there was a problem or even when his uncle was dying and even took my time making his favorite desserts yet this is what I get in return? I feel used and that I gave my all for nothing. Though he has been remorseful and agrees there was no excuse, I'm still furious (used to cried before and be all sad but now all I feel is anger).

 

I don't understand. If I'm the so called almost perfect woman he say I was then why treat me like absolute dirt and throw away both our history and marriage out the window like that? I did nothing to deserve such treatment.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Let me give you my address. I'm here to help.

[MayFlowers]

As a child, I was taught good actions and morals come with good results. I guess this is useless and it has got me nowhere.

 

I feel like sending everything to hell, everything I was taught and going against my character for the first time. I had it with always being the straight laced woman doing the right thing to all get slapped in the face.

 

I've never been this angry in my life ever nor depressed.

[Furious]

As a child, I was taught good actions and morals come with good results. I guess this is useless and it has got me nowhere.

 

I feel like sending everything to hell, everything I was taught and going against my character for the first time. I had it with always being the straight laced woman doing the right thing to all get slapped in the face.

 

I've never been this angry in my life ever nor depressed.

 

 

So sorry for the pain you're going through. Being betrayed by someone you've loved and respected is like a knife in the heart.

 

How long ago did you find out?

[TaraMaiden]

The best form of revenge, is to live well.

anything else just murders your soul.

[freestyle]

Your anger is absolutely justified, and normal.

 

You could have been the picture perfect wife--a sex goddess, kitchen goddess, financial wizard, etc.---and a broken man will STILL cheat, to feed his ego.

 

Him cheating was about HIM, NOT about you.

 

I would recommend against taking the course of a revenge affair, however.

Although the fantasy is understandable, and fairly common amongst BSs.

 

If you can , fast forward mentally to how you'll feel about yourself the morning after, if you do cheat on your WH. The temporary elation and vindication you feel will be replaced by self-loathing---and once it's done, you'll NEVER be able to undo it.

 

How long has it been since your D-day?

[MayFlowers]

So sorry for the pain you're going through. Being betrayed by someone you've loved and respected is like a knife in the heart.

 

How long ago did you find out?

Last year and I still can't get over it. In fact, my verbal outbursts towards him have been getting worse. I have called him every single nasty word in the dictionary, stopped baking desserts and sometimes only cook for myself. At least he's actually learning his way in the kitchen (come to think of it, he can do it himself and is getting good at it). He'll never have the same old me again.

[Furious]

Last year and I still can't get over it. In fact, my verbal outbursts towards him have been getting worse. I have called him every single nasty word in the dictionary, stopped baking desserts and sometimes only cook for myself. At least he's actually learning his way in the kitchen (come to think of it, he can do it himself and is getting good at it). He'll never have the same old me again.

 

It's been almost a year for me too and it's been the hardest year of my life.

 

You sound like a smart tough cookie, and maybe the same old you is gone and the new you is emerging and is standing up for yourself. That's a good thing.

 

Are you getting individual counseling. It's been a life saver for me.

[freestyle]

Are you in MC, or IC either of you?

 

Is the affair & its fallout still being discussed openly, with your WS showing sincere remorse--or is your WS trying to rug-sweep, and pressuring you to *get over it, already*?

 

There are some success reconciliation stories here on LS, but they've all come with lots of hard work , & introspection. And the passage of time.

[MayFlowers]

Why not just tell him you intend to f*ck other men as payback for what he did? That way you are not a liar like he is and he can either take it or leave it.

Why bother if he didn't confess to his cheating himself and I had to find out by accidentally reading his open inbox with a weird title of ''Hey babe'' and it had a picture of them hugging.

 

Why should I be honest with someone who wasn't honest with me if there was a problem or at least tell me ''I'm going to sleep with someone else'' in my face? No doubt, it would have hurt either way and still be furious but not the same as what I'm feeling now. Just when you think everything is perfect is not, you're living a lie.

[alexandria35]

As a child, I was taught good actions and morals come with good results. I guess this is useless and it has got me nowhere.

 

I feel like sending everything to hell, everything I was taught and going against my character for the first time. I had it with always being the straight laced woman doing the right thing to all get slapped in the face.

 

I've never been this angry in my life ever nor depressed.

 

The only rewards for having good morals is knowing that your a person with good integrity and self respect. The reward is internal not external. If you expect anything else than you will be sorely disappointed over and over again. Life isn't fair, but our relationship with ourselves is the most important relationship we will ever have and I don't think lowering yourself to your husbands level is the way to go.

 

If you can't forgive and heal from your husbands infidelity, then you can't. It's understandable and nobody will fault you for it. You don't have kids so maybe it's for the best for you to just end the marriage and find someone worthy of an honest integrity based relationship. I really don't think cheating on your husband is going to make you feel better about being cheated on and I'm pretty sure it's not going to make you feel better about yourself over the long term. You will just get sucked down into a web of deceit and lies. If your husband finds out about it, he will tell you that you are the same as him and that you have no right to be hurt and angry about him doing the same thing you yourself did. If he doesn't find out about it, you will still know what you did and know that you are no different from all the other cheaters. If you have a one night stand and your marriage still ends you will have to admit to any future partner that you were a cheater in your marriage and hope that your new love interest doesn't judge you for that or you will have to be dishonest and lie to your new partner and keep lying about it any time a discussion about your past comes up. Doesn't sound like a very good plan to me. Either commit to your husband and healing your marriage or make a clean break and end the marriage.

[MayFlowers]

It's been almost a year for me too and it's been the hardest year of my life.

 

You sound like a smart tough cookie, and maybe the same old you is gone and the new you is emerging and is standing up for yourself. That's a good thing.

That's right. I will no longer be his sweet household wife. I didn't do it because it's my role but rather I felt comfortable with it and at the time felt like the luckiest woman ever. But after what he did; he doesn't deserve that at all.

Are you getting individual counseling. It's been a life saver for me.

It hasn't helped me in any way getting rid of my anger. It's like the longer I have to keep seeing him, the more furious and suddenly I'm back to the day I saw that picture. I was shaking that day that I went pale for several minutes.

[Furious]

That's right. I will no longer be his sweet household wife. I didn't do it because it's my role but rather I felt comfortable with it and at the time felt like the luckiest woman ever. But after what he did; he doesn't deserve that at all.

It hasn't helped me in any way getting rid of my anger. It's like the longer I have to keep seeing him, the more furious and suddenly I'm back to the day I saw that picture. I was shaking that day that I went pale for several minutes.

 

Is the anger coming from holes in his story, has he been completely transparent?

[eeyore1981]

What if that's the only way it'll help me get rid of my ongoing anger still, my triggers when we see movies having a small porn section (I still have those images of him and the other woman), depression and verbal outbursts towards him.

 

I was thinking of having a ONS in return with someone I know. Neither marriage counseling nor IC is helping me out in any way getting over his cheating. After thinking about it many times, I have come to the conclusion that's the only for me to finally come to terms with what he did. We don't have kids so it makes it easier.

 

I've been thinking that way because it's not fair at all. I never denied him sex nor intimacy, never was disrespectful towards him nor his family, was always there if there was a problem or even when his uncle was dying and even took my time making his favorite desserts yet this is what I get in return? I feel used and that I gave my all for nothing. Though he has been remorseful and agrees there was no excuse, I'm still furious (used to cried before and be all sad but now all I feel is anger).

 

I don't understand. If I'm the so called almost perfect woman he say I was then why treat me like absolute dirt and throw away both our history and marriage out the window like that? I did nothing to deserve such treatment.

 

Well, lots of people are going to tell you, "NO, DON'T DO IT" and they'll tell you about the moral high ground and all that good and wonderful stuff.

 

Some guy posted in here a thread similar to this one. I refrained from responding, but what the hey...

 

Personally, I think it's all a state of mind. The way I look at it, once someone has cheated, the vows are broken, the marriage is not longer monogamous, and that applies to BOTH parties, not just the cheater. I don't even consider it cheating if the other person decides to sample from the great outside world. You can't undo what's been done, and it's ridiculous, IMO, for the cheated on party to hold themselves to a different standard.

 

Now, if this is something someone really feels like doing, they should do it well informed. For example, just because you decided to try to make it work after your spouse went out chasing tail doesn't mean they are going to feel the same if they catch you at it. There's no law to make them stay and get past it, just because you did. Also, there's no law saying they are going to be at all logical and see this as tit for tat. It's likely they will forget all about how they started it and broke the marriage in the first place, and decide if you are going to go out and be with someone else, they can, too. So, then you have to pay them back, they have to pay you back, and on and on it goes. Then there's always a few of those morons out there who will be okay with it, as long as you don't, in their eyes, do anything more or worse than they did, which completely ignores the fact that is exactly what they did to you, because you weren't cheating on them when they cheated on you....

 

As far as moral high ground, I've had it, still have it, and as far as I'm concerned it's nothing more than a hill made of stinky cr*p. I'm not even sure what is supposed to be so great about it.

 

So...the point I'm making is, if you feel you can do this and find some peace, go for it. If you think you can do this and end up tearing your hair out from the guilt, then don't. And again, don't expect your spouse to be okay with it or understanding of it or anything like that. If you think you can do this and be okay with your spouse finding out and leaving you, then I don't see any problems.

[goodthingscome]

Go ahead, throw away all your morals and character and join the cheaters at the bottom of the barrel.

 

Just remember you have to look at your face every day and know you are kicked out forever of the "faithful club".

 

If you are still this angry and he isn't doing whatever you need to help you, and you aren't getting counseling, then rather then cheat why don't you get a divorce? You can find another man, you will never get your integrity back.

 

And trust me, after you do the deed the anger will still be there, deal with the issue, don't make it worse. You of all people should understand that cheating NEVER fixes a marriage/relationship. EVER!!!

[road]

Does WH still work with the OW?

 

Is there 100% NC?

 

Have you bought the book Surviving An Affair?

[goodthingscome]

Well, lots of people are going to tell you, "NO, DON'T DO IT" and they'll tell you about the moral high ground and all that good and wonderful stuff.

 

Some guy posted in here a thread similar to this one. I refrained from responding, but what the hey...

 

Personally, I think it's all a state of mind. The way I look at it, once someone has cheated, the vows are broken, the marriage is not longer monogamous, and that applies to BOTH parties, not just the cheater.

 

Just because one person steps outside the marriage does not dissolve the marriage, that's what divorce is for. The old adage, 2 wrongs do not make a right certainly applies here.

 

I don't even consider it cheating if the other person decides to sample from the great outside world.

If you are married, and it's NOT an open marriage then yes, it's cheating.

 

You can't undo what's been done, and it's ridiculous, IMO, for the cheated on party to hold themselves to a different standard.

** I beg to differ, I most certainly hold myself up to not only a different standard, but a higher one at that! This doesn't mean my husband is lower, but the truth is, he no longer belongs to the club I do. His choice, not mine.

 

Now, if this is something someone really feels like doing, they should do it well informed. For example, just because you decided to try to make it work after your spouse went out chasing tail doesn't mean they are going to feel the same if they catch you at it. There's no law to make them stay and get past it, just because you did. Also, there's no law saying they are going to be at all logical and see this as tit for tat. It's likely they will forget all about how they started it and broke the marriage in the first place, and decide if you are going to go out and be with someone else, they can, too. So, then you have to pay them back, they have to pay you back, and on and on it goes. Then there's always a few of those morons out there who will be okay with it, as long as you don't, in their eyes, do anything more or worse than they did, which completely ignores the fact that is exactly what they did to you, because you weren't cheating on them when they cheated on you....

 

As far as moral high ground, I've had it, still have it, and as far as I'm concerned it's nothing more than a hill made of stinky cr*p. I'm not even sure what is supposed to be so great about it.

 

Morals or conscience, is what we rely on to do the right thing. Think of the chaos that would happen without it.

 

So...the point I'm making is, if you feel you can do this and find some peace, go for it. If you think you can do this and end up tearing your hair out from the guilt, then don't. And again, don't expect your spouse to be okay with it or understanding of it or anything like that. If you think you can do this and be okay with your spouse finding out and leaving you, then I don't see any problems.

 

I told my husband after he "gave me permission" to have a revenge affair that firstly, my morals would'nt allow me to do that, and secondly, after feeling the total devastation that his infidelity caused I could never do that to another person. I wouldn't be able to live with it. NOTHING excuses cheating, not even being cheated on. If being cheated on is a "dealbreaker" then get a divorce and move on.

Edited August 5, 2012 by goodthingscome
spelling

[pink_sugar]

How old are you, like 10? How about divorce or a separation as revenge.

[MayFlowers]

Are you in MC, or IC either of you?

I used to be in both but currently I don't care anymore. My husband is the only one going to MC.

Is the affair & its fallout still being discussed openly, with your WS showing sincere remorse--or is your WS trying to rug-sweep, and pressuring you to *get over it, already*?

Nope, he's been remorseful ever since finding out and cried with me that day, begging me not to leave but I don't care anymore. What gets me is what if I had never found out? I'm sure he would have kept going on with the affair.

[ghgh750]

How long did his affair last for? where did he meet this other woman?

 

I say go for the revenge affair. Then he can feel some pain. Afterwards, either attempt to reconcile so he will be deterred from cheating again or just divorce him.

[MayFlowers]

How long did his affair last for? where did he meet this other woman?

It lasted for about 5 months (well he told me that after I found out) and he met the OW at a bar while going out with his friends.

I say go for the revenge affair. Then he can feel some pain. Afterwards, either attempt to reconcile so he will be deterred from cheating again or just divorce him.

I'm thinking of getting away from him for the meantime. Maybe I can't even think clearly.

 

I figure why even bother going to marriage counseling to fix his mess he created it himself? Why if I'm not the one who went outside the marriage?

 

And as for my age, no I'm not 10 I'm 25.

[Furious]

It lasted for about 5 months (well he told me that after I found out) and he met the OW at a bar while going out with his friends.

I'm thinking of getting away from him for the meantime. Maybe I can't even think clearly.

 

I figure why even bother going to marriage counseling to fix his mess he created it himself? Why if I'm not the one who went outside the marriage?

 

And as for my age, no I'm not 10 I'm 25.

 

You're only 25, do you have children, and if you do, is this reason you haven't filed for divorce.?

[MayFlowers]

You're only 25, do you have children, and if you do, is this reason you haven't filed for divorce.?

No, we don't have kids. Even if I did, I would still feel the same level of anger as now or perhaps even more.

[road]

It lasted for about 5 months (well he told me that after I found out) and he met the OW at a bar while going out with his friends.

I'm thinking of getting away from him for the meantime. Maybe I can't even think clearly.

 

I figure why even bother going to marriage counseling to fix his mess he created it himself? Why if I'm not the one who went outside the marriage?

 

And as for my age, no I'm not 10 I'm 25.

 

 

Instead of ranting her what are you and your WH doing to recover?

 

Again I will ask have you bought the book Surviving An Affair?

 

I have seen this book help many in your situation.

 

What has WH done to to inforce proper bondaries?

 

Is he still going out to bars without you?

 

Does he keep himself form flirting.

 

What has WH done to show that he is maintaining NC?

 

Did he change his phone number after dday?

 

Does WH give you access to his cell and computer accounts for you to verify that his behavior is trust worthy?

 

You see all you do is come here and instead of acting as a 25 year old you rant as a 10 year old.

[road]

No, we don't have kids. Even if I did, I would still feel the same level of anger as now or perhaps even more.

 

Do you know that most BS's go through an anger phase after dday? Ranting does nothing to end that phase.