Do I really want to know if my wife is cheating?

[losingtheplot]

I'll apologise now if this is a bit long winded, but I am at my wit's end and don't know what to do.

 

My wife and I have been together for 15 years and married for 6, and I have no doubt that she still loves me, however, recent events have led me to believe that she may have been unfaithful to me. A while ago I suffered from a period of penile dysfunction, which meant that we weren't having Sex as often as we would like and shortly after this, I became aware that she had been texting a guy from work. When I confronted her she was very upset and admitted that they had been flirting over the phone and it had got a bit out of hand, but that was all they had done. She was very sorry and deleted his number from her phone, promising that she would not contact him again.

 

Everything went back to normal for a while until recently returned late from work, saying that she had bumped into someone on the way home and gone for a drink. She later confessed thatbshenhad actually met this guy, because he had asked her to help him with a disciplinary he was going through at work. I told her that I trust her and that she should just have told me what she was doing in the first place, but she was worried that I wouldn't have understood.

 

In recent months the performance issue has come back and I can't help thinking that this is somehow due to my concerns about our relationship, but I am worried that this is having a further negative effect as now all I can think about when we havers and have sex is that it might drive her away if I can't perform, which is turning into a bit of a vicious circle.

 

This all came to a head on Friday when my wife supposedly went for drinks with work. I'm ashamed to say that my jealousy got the better of me and I checked her location using the find my iPhone app, to find out that she wasn't where she said she was going. According to the app, it put her location as a hotel close to a local station. I went over there with the intention of seeing if it was true (I'm not sure how accurate the app is and there is a pub next door), but she had gone by the time I got there and was in a pub down the road.

 

I could not bring myself to go into the pub to see for myself who she was with as to do so would give away the fact that I had been snooping on her, which in itself is pretty dishonest and could potentially end our relationship if she found out. Without knowing for sure that she was in the hotel with someone, I can't really confront her and risk jeapordising the relationship further.

 

I love my wife more than anything in the world, however, I'm not sure if I could ever trust her again if she was unfaithful to me and I suppose that, because of this, deep down I'm not sure I actually want to know.

 

I'm now in a horrible position where the knowledge of Friday's events is eating away at me and causing me sleepless nights, but i'm afraid to confront her without definite proof and risk ruining the relationship anyway.

 

I am fully aware that most women cheat because they aren't getting the attention they desire from their partner and I have been going out of my way to show her how much I love her and how attractive I think she is, to the point that she commented that I have been acting a bit weird lately and it is making her a bit uncomfortable, as I am coming across as a bit clingy. I suppose this is just me being paranoid that I am going to lose her, but obviously I can't tell her that without explaining why.

 

I am sorry for waffling on for so long, but I really don't know what to do for the best and hope that some of you have made it this far and can help me.

[NotCamelot]

I am no expert by any stretch, but I have just went through this.

 

First, do NOT confront her at all until you have definite proof. No questions, no comments, nothing. If she is cheating and you confront her without proof, she is first going to deny everything and, second, she will take it further underground where you may never know until it's too late or the affair burns out.

 

Second, find ways to "check up" on her. The phone app is a start. Phone records of calls and texts.....most can be seen online. If she uses a computer at home, start checking that.....install a keylogger, it will be invisible to the user of the pc. Check her email without her knowing if you can. Bascially start gathering proof.

 

Third, and what worked best for me, after you have proof, confront the other man before you confront her. You may be on better ground that way. But do it in a safe way as your emotion could take over and you do something you will regret.

 

Then confront her, tell her what you know, but do NOT let her know that you don't know everything. It will be best if she thinks you know it all.

 

 

Hopefully you are worried for nothing, I least I hope so for your sake. This is the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I have lost a parent and a child. I thought those were bad, but your wife cheating on you is much, much worse.

 

Good luck to you. And there are some folks here that really try to help.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

I'm so sorry that you have found yourself in the place you are in right now...it's really nasty, isn't it?

 

I know you love your wife, but if she is cheating ( and I'm sorry to say it does sound like she may be), then that isn't because of you, it's because there is something inside her that has allowed her to find cheating acceptable. Whatever the problems in her marriage might be, there are solutions to them that don't involve infidelity...but it looks like she has chosen infidelity

 

I know it's painful to confront that fact, but if she is cheating, nothing you do or don't do will change what has already happened. All you can do is decide how you want to future with her to look like, and work towards making that a reality. My suggestion to you would be to talk to her and let her know what you have found out. She may get angry, she may lash out and turn it around to make it look like you did something wrong. Don't

allow that to happen. Tell her you want to make things better, but you can't do that if she is being dishonest.

If you feel that you would be okay with her sleeping with other guys as long as she comes home to you ( and if you chose to, you could sleep with other woman), then talk to her about that. Give both of you time to digest that and what it will mean for the two of you. If you don't like that idea, then don't do it...she is married to you, and if she has probelms, then her first course of action should be to talk to you about them, not to go running off to someone else.

If you don't think she'll stop, and you don't find that her actions are acceptable to you, then you may need to consider divorce. I know that's an option of last resort, but if you can't live with her actions and she won't change, you may have no other choice. Do everything you can first to work things out, but don't be afraid to exercise that option if nothing else has worked.

 

Mind you, it may turn out that she really was just out with the group from work, etc. Is there any way that you can find out for sure what really happened?

[jnj express]

You can confront---in fact you had better confront and put a stop to all of this

 

Stop worrying about whether she is gonna like what is going on or not---right now you don't have a mge, you have a wife out getting sex from another man

 

You have a wife who flirts, goes to hotels, and goes to bars, and she does all this by herself, or with other people, men included---WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED

 

She has already been caught in an EA, she has admitted to going to a bar with her lover

 

You better stop doing nothing, and I mean right now

 

You have plenty of evid., in that MARRIED WOMEN do not do what she is doing---when work is over they come home to their H

 

If there is a medical problem, they help their spouse work it out---THEY DON'T GO AND CHEAT

 

You can ignore, but each and every day you ignore, she is deeper into her A

 

You know she is cheating---why would anyone go to a hotel for an hour after work, cept for one reason---TO HAVE SEX

 

If you decide to confront---then illicit info/answers on how best to confront---but I tell you this put a stop to this now---right now your mge. is teetering, and it is about to crash

 

One other thing---if you do decide to stay with her---she has to leave her job, for that is where she sees her lover everyday

 

You got a lot to think about---but need to stop all of this RIGHT NOW

[losingtheplot]

Thanks for the quick responses guys and I admit it doesn't look good, but I don't want to risk throwing away the marriage on the basis of find my iPhone. If I confront her now without knowing for sure, at the very least she is going to find out that I can track her whereabouts, which is currently my best bet of catching her in the act. I have considering SMS tracking software, however, I doubt I would have access to her phone for long enough to install the software, not to mention the fact that you have to jailbreak the phone to run these apps, which can cause problems that may lead to detection of the app (my nephew's imessager stopped working when he ran jailbreak).

 

I don't want to be the kind of husband that does not allow his wife to go out after work, as I don't think this is itself healthy for a relationship, so I feel that my best bet is to keep acting as nothing is wrong and wait for an opportunity to find out for sure.

 

The annoying thing is if I had got there 5 mins earlier I would know for sure.

 

If she is indeed cheating, the main problem is what do I do about it. She is the love of my life and I don't know how I could live without her, but can't see how a relationship can carry on when the trust has gone. Has anyone tried a reconciliation and, if so, how can you be sure that it hasn't/isn't going to happen again?

[BetrayedH]

I'm not sure how you "unknow" what you already know. It is already causing problems for you. I doubt you can ignore it. I believe there may be some wealthy wives out there who will "look the other way" when it comes to their man's other women so that they can keep their lifestyle. And I suspect they just have their own trysts on the side. You don't sound like you're in that situation

 

From my personal experience, there was nothing much worse than not knowing what the hell was really going on. With information, I could make an informed decision.

 

Your wife is already aware that your radar is up. You need to stop confronting her, play stupid, give her rope, be "normal" as much as possible and then gather evidence. Similar to you, I was morally conflicted about snooping. That stopped immediately when my GPS showed her at a hotel from 10pm to midnight and hotel records showed 17 stays there. Ultimately, there were about 10 hotels and probably about 60 hotel stays in 13 months. Kinda changes your perspective.

 

Keep tracking her phone, look at financial and phone records, search for a pre-paid cell in her car, put a key logger on her computer, look at her internet history and emails (find deleted stuff), put a voice activated recorder in her car, consider hiring a PI. If the OM is married, talk to his spouse after you have some evidence so you can work together. This is no joke. It happens all the time and while you are fretting at home, she is enjoying the fact that she's pulled the wool over her husband's eyes while she is in heat with another man.

 

You have to start making decisions with your head rather than your heart. If you want your wife back, you're going to have to fight for her. You're going to have to straighten her ass out and THAT she might respect. Right now she thinks you are a fool. Show her that she is the fool and she's about to losr the best damn thing she ever had in her life over some scumbag.

 

One last thing, regardless of the problems in your marriage, you did NOT deserve this. If she was unhappy, she was obligated to either fix the marriage or leave. This was not one of those choices. You need to get angry and get smart and you better do it quick. And forget about your erectile disfunction. That's why they make Cialis.

[BetrayedH]

When it comes to reconciliation, you have the cart way ahead of the horse. It takes a truly remorseful wayward spouse and a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Right now you have no idea what that means. That's because the forgiving CANNOT happen at all until well after the remorse. I'm not talking about her crying and apologizing when you confront her. That is simple damage control and she will still be lyin through her teeth for probably quite some time to come. She is going to have to re-earn your trust and that takes years. You're going to laugh at this but it is straight up true that a reconciliation takes 2-5 years. And it will take you that long to heal regardless of whether you reconcile or divorce. You just started your sentence for your wife's crime.

 

The tough part (that you won't believe) is that your best bet for reconciling is to gather firm evidence, go to an attorney, file for a divorce and serve your wife with the papers. When that happens, some of them will do what is necessary to change because the idiot fog they are in is instantly wiped away. She will see that you are not a doormat, how much she risked, and what a fool she has been.

She will have to go "no contact" with the other man for life. She will have to proactively and without defensiveness, give you full transparency to her life (email, Facebook, phone, whereabouts) - her life will be an open book. She must agree to individual counseling to determine "why" she chose this route so that you might begin to believe she has learned enough to avoid it in the future. She will have to embrace your pain as you cycle thru despair, anger, love, thoughts of divorce, "mind movies" of the two of them. It is categorically awful. She can never once ask you to "get over it" and you must not push yourself to get over it. She must come completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) clean about any details of the affair you want to know. Ask her to start a timeline.

 

All this or just divorce her and begin the second life you deserve. That's your choice. But forgiveness, that's going to be a long while or you are in for a death of a thousand cuts and she will watch you bleed in the floor.

[jnj express]

OK--I have to yeild to the other 2 posters here, cuz OP, doesn't sound strong enuff to confront no matter what

 

You gotta get this attitude of your wife is your true love, and the world revolves around her---that may be true for you, out of your head.--- for her, right now, you are being treated like a POS---she has no respect for you, and at this point doesn't love you, cuz if she did, she would be working with you to solve your problem, not out running around to bars, and hotels

 

Example--the helping the other guy out with his discipline problem, that would be a talk at the workplace---IT WOULDN'T BE OVER DRINKS IN A BAR

 

Also understand this---there is no right to PRIVACY in a mge---you have every right to pry/snoop/look at everything, if you think it will help save your mge---what you are doing is fighting for your mge---NOT SNOOPING

 

You seem to have some kind of a deluded idea about wives going out drinking with their friends---NO, NO, and NO

 

She can go with her GF, to dinner in a restaurant, or to the movies, or to play cards, or do hobbies---but married women DO NOT GO TO BARS, and they don't go with OTHER MEN.

 

You do what you want, but each and every day you let this slide, she is deeper and deeper into her lover, as you sit by and give excuse after excuse, for refusing to confront

 

You do not need any more proof than you already have---you just tell her you know she is cheating---by circumstances---and it stops----if you wait, fine--but you may never get anymore than you have now

 

At least demand she comes home right after work, and stop with this she is entitled to go out crap---SHE IS MARRIED TO YOU---SHE COMES HOME TO YOU--THAT'S THE WAY IT IS IN A MGE.

[losingtheplot]

I think BetrayedH has hit the nail on the head, the worst part at the moment is not knowing what's going on and the thought that she could be taking me for an idiot. I'm just gonna have to try and get some solid proof and take it from there. It just sucks, as she's not stupid, so it could take some time. I'm so annoyed with myself that I missed the perfect opportunity to find out, as the nature of her job means that she is constantly moving around and it's hard to catch her out. I've even found myself checking to make sure she arrives at work for every shift, just in case she's lying.

 

It might take something like me 'going away for the weekend', to see if I can lull her into a false sense of security. I just wish I could get access to her phone records without having to put an app on her phone, as she doesn't really use the computer much at home.

[Furious]

I think BetrayedH has hit the nail on the head, the worst part at the moment is not knowing what's going on and the thought that she could be taking me for an idiot. I'm just gonna have to try and get some solid proof and take it from there. It just sucks, as she's not stupid, so it could take some time. I'm so annoyed with myself that I missed the perfect opportunity to find out, as the nature of her job means that she is constantly moving around and it's hard to catch her out. I've even found myself checking to make sure she arrives at work for every shift, just in case she's lying.

 

It might take something like me 'going away for the weekend', to see if I can lull her into a false sense of security. I just wish I could get access to her phone records without having to put an app on her phone, as she doesn't really use the computer much at home.

 

 

 

If you can afford it, hiring a PI might be an option.

[losingtheplot]

I'm afraid that we're having to cover two mortgages at the moment, due to problems with a tenant (it never rains but it poor eh?!), so even shelling out for keylogging software is going to be difficult. The other problem with PIs is that you kind of need to have an idea of where/when it's going to happen. I have been watching her pretty carefully since Friday and she hasn't done anything remotely suspicious (although I obviously don't know if she has been calling or texting anyone). She only goes out maybe once a month or so and I have even met her on one or two occasions, so I don't it's a regular thing. More likely that it is flirting that got a bit out of hand on one or two occasions (and no i'm not suggesting this is acceptable, just that it will be hard to prove).

[BetrayedH]

I think BetrayedH has hit the nail on the head, the worst part at the moment is not knowing what's going on and the thought that she could be taking me for an idiot. I'm just gonna have to try and get some solid proof and take it from there. It just sucks, as she's not stupid, so it could take some time. I'm so annoyed with myself that I missed the perfect opportunity to find out, as the nature of her job means that she is constantly moving around and it's hard to catch her out. I've even found myself checking to make sure she arrives at work for every shift, just in case she's lying.

 

It might take something like me 'going away for the weekend', to see if I can lull her into a false sense of security. I just wish I could get access to her phone records without having to put an app on her phone, as she doesn't really use the computer much at home.

 

For what it's worth, I am sorry you have found yourself here. Sometimes it is tough to deliver the tough message and come across with some tact, care, and concern.

 

It sounds like a voice activated recorder might be the best choice for you if you have limited access to her phone and she doesn't much use the computer. Best placement I had heard is under the steering column so you can catch all of their flirty cell phone conversations on her way to work. Can't you access her phone usage on-line? That usually picks up a phone number that is receiving a ridiculous number of texts and calls.

[Furious]

I'm afraid that we're having to cover two mortgages at the moment, due to problems with a tenant (it never rains but it poor eh?!), so even shelling out for keylogging software is going to be difficult. The other problem with PIs is that you kind of need to have an idea of where/when it's going to happen. I have been watching her pretty carefully since Friday and she hasn't done anything remotely suspicious (although I obviously don't know if she has been calling or texting anyone). She only goes out maybe once a month or so and I have even met her on one or two occasions, so I don't it's a regular thing. More likely that it is flirting that got a bit out of hand on one or two occasions (and no i'm not suggesting this is acceptable, just that it will be hard to prove).

 

If it's a guy from work, most likely they're seeing each other during the day.

Do you know who he is, if he is also married?

[BetrayedH]

I'm afraid that we're having to cover two mortgages at the moment, due to problems with a tenant (it never rains but it poor eh?!), so even shelling out for keylogging software is going to be difficult. The other problem with PIs is that you kind of need to have an idea of where/when it's going to happen. I have been watching her pretty carefully since Friday and she hasn't done anything remotely suspicious (although I obviously don't know if she has been calling or texting anyone). She only goes out maybe once a month or so and I have even met her on one or two occasions, so I don't it's a regular thing. More likely that it is flirting that got a bit out of hand on one or two occasions (and no i'm not suggesting this is acceptable, just that it will be hard to prove).

 

If it is a coworker and she is mobile at work, it's mid-day hotels you should be concerned with. That's what my wife was doing. She and her boss were at a high enough level that they could be gone at "meetings" twice a week and no one suspected anything.

 

As I mentioned before, the GPS is what worked for me (first time). It was about $200 and I would just pull it from her car to download the data about where it had been. When I saw that her car had been at a hotel porte cochere for 10 minutes, then did two laps around the building and then parked in a back part of their parking lot for 2 hours, well, there's no denying that one. If you suspect a particular hotel, you might try using her usual username and password on their website and look for her recent stays. That's how I found the rest of my wife's hotels. A "real time" GPS costs about $500 and a monthly subscription (which helps if you want to know NOW). When it comes to the money, get it. Borrow from friends or family. Soon you won't give a crap about money anymore.

[drifter777]

You say that you aren't sure you even want to know if she's cheating, but I think you know it is essential to know the truth. For starters, your wife seems pretty brash and righteous regarding her behavior so I think it will be pretty easy to gather irrefutable evidence. Once you have the evidence, I also think confronting her will come easily to you. The thing is, you are in denial right now - a normal response to your wife's betrayal.

 

You never mention children so I'm assuming you don't have any. If this is true, you should end your marriage. Trying to reconcile with an remorseful cheater is nearly impossible and, without children involved, is probably not worth all the pain.

[Owl]

If she is indeed cheating, the main problem is what do I do about it. She is the love of my life and I don't know how I could live without her, but can't see how a relationship can carry on when the trust has gone. Has anyone tried a reconciliation and, if so, how can you be sure that it hasn't/isn't going to happen again?

 

Here's my thought...you're asking the right question in the title of your thread.

 

Do you want to know?

 

Well...that depends...have you truly, honestly given any thought to what you're going to do with that information?

 

If not...you probably better give that some very serious consideration before you answer the question.

 

If you're going to snoop...have a plan in place for either possibility. What will you do if you find nothing...or what will you do if you find she is cheating on you?

 

If you DON'T have a plan, and you confront her...SHE will control the outcome of the situation. Is that what you want? Will she have your best interests in mind? I'm thinking not...

[losingtheplot]

Just to answer a few of the above points, the guy she was exchanging the flirty texts with and met a few weeks ago no longer works with her, as he got the sack (hence her meeting him to discuss the disciplinary). I'm honestly not sure whether she didn't tell me at first simply because she wanted to help him but knew I'd be annoyed considering what had happened before. She did tell me without being prompted, but that may have been because She figured out i'd seen a receipt that showed there was something not right.

 

I'm pretty confident she is not getting up to anything at work, because she is a police officer, so she is in a vehicle and in uniform all the time and is partnered with a variety of team members (most of whom are much younger or older than her).

 

I have been pretty suspicious ever since the texting incident and again am pretty sure that she hasn't had the opportunity to meet someone regularly, Friday was the first time I had the cause to suspect something was going on, unless she is very good at covering her tracks.

 

Regarding the last post, this is a very good point and I truly have no idea what I would do. After all, if I find out she did have a one night stand, is this any better than finding out that she has been having a relationship?

In terms of making a decision, it would almost be easier if I found out it was an ongoing thing, as that would make my decision for me.

[losingtheplot]

Oh, and thanks again for taking the time to discuss this with me guys, you have no idea how good it is to be able to talk to people about this, even if a lot of it is stuff I didn't want to hear, it's great to hear it from people that are in a position to look at it from a more practical perspective, as I am the first to admit that my heart is kind of winning over my head a the moment.

[jnj express]

Her being a cop---gives a different possible light to the hotel deal, she might have been there on business----who knows---I know your gut is telling you different

[g450]

even shelling out for keylogging software is going to be difficult.

 

I dont buy that for one second. If she can afford to go to a bar or a hotel then you can sure as hell afford keylogging software and a VAR.

 

And honestly, from what you have already told us you already know the worst is true. You are just getting black and white evidence.

 

Get enough to burn her and then file for divorce. Sorry for your loss.

[durentu]

First thing that comes to mind is to revisit the mission statement of the marriage. Why did you guys get married in the first place? What goals did you have planned together? Does her cheating prevent you both from achieving those goals?

 

The second thing is the trust issue and there's no easy way around it. Use the 'indian talking stick method' and lay it all out on the table. In my view, if there is no trust, there is no relationship and it degrades into a spy vs spy thing.

 

But until you both stop fiddling around and get down to business, this problem will only fester and eat away at the marriage.

 

Would you take a shot to the head, or 5 to the chest and bleed to death?

 

your choice.

[Steen719]

I have no idea if this translates to where you are and her situation, but, I have a good friend who was married to a police officer. Cheating was rampant in the department and led to her divorce. I have a s-i-l and friend who work for the town and they are in the same building and have daily contact with the police department and courts. They both are hard pressed to name one officer they believe is not cheating. NOW, don't yell at me...I know this does not mean that all police departments are like this, but this is not the only information I have. As a social worker, I had work experiences with police and in fact had a friend who was a policeman and social worker and worked in the community services department (different place than the other police dep't). He also said cheating was the norm.

 

The other thing is this. I am not sure if it is my age or what other factors (gender - I am female) might influence my thinking, but I don't think one night stands are what most women look for or go after. Others here might tell you differently. I don't know. This is just my experience.

 

You need to determine what is going on with your marriage. Hiding your head in the sand will not save your marriage and in fact will hurt it further. Be strong, be proactive. Rip that band-aid off and find out what is going on. It will hurt like the stab in the back that it is, but you cannot get better until you know what you are facing.

 

Sorry you are here; you have a lot of support from those of us who know your pain. Good luck.

[losingtheplot]

Yes, i'm afraid to say cheating is common across the board in the Police Service. It doesn't help that it is a male dominated role, so any females get a lot of attention and inappropriate comments. Even if she hasn't already (which I agree sounds unlikely), I have no doubt that if she did make it apparent that she was open to the idea, she would have a queue of willing participants.

 

I think the problem is that it is so easy to get away with it, as there are lots of different shift patterns and late finishes/cancelled rest days are the norm. I initially started using the app completely innocently, as I found it interesting to know where she was and what she was doing on her shifts because, being office based, it's hard to comprehend a job where you never know where you are going to be from one moment to the next, but i'm afraid to say that in recent weeks it has turned into a way of keeping tabs on her. As I said before, Friday's incident is the first time I am aware of that she has been anywhere that looked undeniably suspicious.

 

The weird thing is that, although we have had problems in the past, as all couples have, we are getting on really well at the moment. She is not at all distant, has been very understanding about my issue and has said that she will help me to get over it by visiting a therapist with me. We have even been discussing trying for a child over the last couple of months, which is something that she has always been unsure about. Now I can't help thinking that this is guilt for something that is going on in the background and she has been especially close to me in the last few days because she either regrets or feels bad about what I think happened on Friday. Thankfully, we have both decided to hold of on children until we can sort out our current financial issues, as I can't see how I could potentially bring a kid into the equation right now.

[Radu]

Yes, i'm afraid to say cheating is common across the board in the Police Service. It doesn't help that it is a male dominated role, so any females get a lot of attention and inappropriate comments. Even if she hasn't already (which I agree sounds unlikely), I have no doubt that if she did make it apparent that she was open to the idea, she would have a queue of willing participants.

 

I think the problem is that it is so easy to get away with it, as there are lots of different shift patterns and late finishes/cancelled rest days are the norm. I initially started using the app completely innocently, as I found it interesting to know where she was and what she was doing on her shifts because, being office based, it's hard to comprehend a job where you never know where you are going to be from one moment to the next, but i'm afraid to say that in recent weeks it has turned into a way of keeping tabs on her. As I said before, Friday's incident is the first time I am aware of that she has been anywhere that looked undeniably suspicious.

 

The weird thing is that, although we have had problems in the past, as all couples have, we are getting on really well at the moment. She is not at all distant, has been very understanding about my issue and has said that she will help me to get over it by visiting a therapist with me. We have even been discussing trying for a child over the last couple of months, which is something that she has always been unsure about. Now I can't help thinking that this is guilt for something that is going on in the background and she has been especially close to me in the last few days because she either regrets or feels bad about what I think happened on Friday. Thankfully, we have both decided to hold of on children until we can sort out our current financial issues, as I can't see how I could potentially bring a kid into the equation right now.

 

I think there are other reasons for which cheating is rampant with police officers :

- i have yet to meet a police officer who was not ever on a power trip because of the job

- it's a job where it can be very hard to keep tabs on them

- police officers stick up for one another, it's a messed up camaraderie sort of thing where they would still stick to protecting their mate who did very wrong because it has to be like that; it's kinda like ppl in the military who go overboard and the ones who know it

 

The bolded stuff, either hysterical bonding out of guilt, or she decided to stay with you, or is afraid of how her actions might have been interpreted.

 

No offense OP, but this is why i don't date ppl who work in law enforcement.

[losingtheplot]

Yes, I agree with all your points Radu, as a lot of the wife's colleagues do have little big man complex, but she has a real issue with this power trip attitude and hates the ones that will arrest someone just to get the figure in a situation that can easily be defused by talking to the suspect.

 

It is definitely hard to keep tabs on police officers, which is why i'm currently keeping in eye out to make sure she is at work when she says she is.

 

I had considered talking to one of her colleagues about my suspicions, but ruled it out, as I agree that they are far more likely to back her up and would undoubtedly tip her off about my suspicions, making it even harder to find out if anything is going on. Knowing my luck, i'd end up talking to the guy that she's actually messing around with knowing it!