Wife cheated now I want to cheat back

[K.J]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here, obviously looking for some advice and it seems like there is a lot of good advice here, this is a long read and most of it can probably be skimmed. The story is as follows.

 

I met my wife when I was 17 and she was 16, when we had sex it was the first time for both of us. I never intended to have one sexual partner for life, but then I never expected to find the love of my life at 17, so I gave up my chances of playing the field for her. We got married five years later and subsequently had two children.

 

Just under 6 years ago my wife started to become very distant, she started going to a friends house on an almost nightly basis and coming home drunk. When she got in we were having sex, and if truth be told it was some of the best we ever had. She changed the password to the computer, her phone was always locked with a pin and I became suspicious but was in denial that anything could be going on. Also I was enjoying the time on my own as I have always enjoyed spending quiet time alone and she was always quite needy, wanting me around.

 

Christmas came and went and family and friends started to become suspicious of her behaviour, again I denied it all and said we love each other very much. I asked her if all was well and she said it was and she still loved me, just wanted her space for a while. She was spending all the money on cigarettes and alcohol.

 

A few weeks later I received a call from her, I was at work, she was sobbing and asked if she could have £150 to attend a Midwifery conference in Manchester, she had gained a university position as a Student Midwife and was having to defer for a year due to childcare and financial issues (she is now a qualified midwife). She was sobbing saying if she can't start the course this year the least I could do was allow her to go to this conference with her friends. I agreed even though I never had £150.

 

When she came back from the weekend she was very distant, I went to open the door to her and she came in and went straight to bed, I had missed her and was looking forward to seeing her. The next day I noticed her mobile phone bill was around £160, she had thrown the bill away. I confronted her and she said she didn't love me any more and we should break up, I was devastated. The following weekend she said she was going to a friends to think about things, she disappeared on the Friday leaving notes for our children. Then she phoned on Sunday morning asking if we could try again. I met her at the station that evening and she was in a state, thin and like an empty shell. I knew she had been to Manchester again and the following day she admitted going to meet a man she met the previous week, she said she never met him, instead she said she spent the weekend in a hotel room with a

pile of pills and a bottle of vodka and contemplated suicide. Meanwhile I had received our home phone bill which was also high and listed numbers in Ireland, I phoned the number to be greeted by an Irish man's voicemail.

 

I took her to the doctor who diagnosed her with depression and she got counciling and pills to help, we went to marriage guidance and made another go of things. However I always knew in the back of my mind that she was lying about those two weeks. Things would come out, an example being a message from a man with the same name on Facebook asking when she's going to see him again, all the while she lied it away as things were going so well for us again.

 

About a month ago I asked her to come clean, said that as she had depression at the time I would forgive everything. She admitted that the Midwifery Conference was a lie and she met this man and had sex with him that weekend, she claims to have enjoyed the kissing and being with someone new but she got drunk and ended up having sex with him, she said as soon as the sex started she realised she was doing something wrong and wanted it to stop. She claims to have slept on the sofa and come home the next morning. She has since had flirty relationships with men on line, she claims to enjoy the compliments she gets because of her low self esteem. I give her plenty of compliments.

 

I am having a tough time forgiving, I feel like an idiot for being faithful to her all these years and she has thrown it back in my face. She has told me if I need to then go out and have sex with someone else then do it. I have been looking on dating websites for people wanting casual sex, also thought about visiting a prostitute. I feel as though I want to have sex with two people to get her back, so it feels like I'm winning somehow. I want to be with her and our relationship is as strong as ever, she is going to get councilling again and hopefully her issues can be dealt with.

 

I now need to deal with my issue, is cheating back a good idea in this situation. I'm not sure I can go on knowing I saved myself for her and she didn't manage it for me, no matter how ill she was at the time.

 

Thank you for reading and for any advice you might have.

[nofool4u]

If you cheat, even in revenge, then you will have become no better than her and will have lost the right to complain about her cheating.

 

You simply would become a cheater with no excuse. I understand where you are coming from though. Faithful all those years only to be cheated on by a POS.

 

Why don't you simply divorce her? I know its scary, it was for me, but I can say it was the best thing I ever did. There are rough times, but when its all over, you can breath easy and start having fun dating again.

 

But don't cheat, unless you want to be considered a POS. Because there is NO excuse.

[Chi townD]

Revenge affairs never make you feel better in the long run. In fact, they make you feel worse.

 

Plus, they cause more problems in a marriage that already have enough problems in it.

[BetrayedH]

I went thru this and followed thru with it. I had similar permission from my wife. The short version is that it doesn't work. Even if you manage to find a perfect OW that doesn't get hurt, you will still be tormented by your wife's cheating. You will still have mind movies and you will still not trust her. By the way, when I returned from my brief lived affair, it took a good month before my wife were able to reconnect at all. You may have "permission" but you sure as heck better expect that she will now have mind movies of her own and she will not want to be intimate with you even inshe is able to shed them. Your free pass will not be free. Good luck telling her that she has to have sex with you or even treat you nicely. All this does is drop a nuclear bomb on your marriage. As if you need a second one, right?

 

Either stay and truly reconcile or leave.

 

By the way, my wife divorced me.

[BetrayedH]

I can also say it's one of only two real regrets I have following my wife's affair (the other was physically throwing her out the door). It was wrong on many levels no matter how much my battered brain justified it. If you love your wife, stop.

 

It's hard for me to even admit here that it happened.

[K.J]

Thanks for you're advice, nofool4u divorce is still one of the options I'm considering but it is unlikely I will do it, I drove home from work one night and was going to leave, then when I got home I couldn't do it to her or the kids. I love her too much, it's hard because we've had so many good times since she did it, all now under a lie.

 

BetrayedH thanks for you're response, it's good to hear from someone who has been through this. I have to ask if you don't mind before you went and had the affair, did it seem completely justified in your head, because for me right now it just seems the best thing to do. Guess I should speak to my wife again. Sorry to hear how it turned out for you.

[NotCamelot]

K.J........Don't do it. I can assure you, you will regret it. There is enough damage done already. All you will do is make things worse.

 

It may feel like you will be vindicated and on "even ground" if you get revenge. But you will then hurt her worse than you have been hurt --- because it is deliberate. And, if you love her, do you really want to intentionally hurt the one you love?

 

 

I have been and am there still --- and have been on both sides of the issue.

 

It is so easy to think revenge will make things better. But think about how you feel right now. Did she intentionally have sex with someone just to hurt you? Probably not. But that is what you will be doing. Do you want to live with that?

 

Either divorce her OR find a way for the two of you to fix your M. That is really your only sane thing to do.

[ghgh750]

I am of the different mentality than most posters. I believe that revenge affairs can be quite beneficial. Your wife asked you for money to go meet her lover? She lied to you and betrayed you. The fact that you were each other's one and only makes it even worse. She gave you no consideration before engaging in her sexual deviance and you at least have the permission to do so. If marriage is about equality, than the fact that she cheated makes this relationship unequal. She showed that she respects you less, has other options, and is a better prospect than you are.

 

It is up to you to restore the balance. Make your wife suffer the same injustices she inflicted upon you. Then and only then will you be even. Afterwards, go to marriage counseling and try to fix things to realize why she cheated. Your cheating is MUCH MUCH worse since you only did it for revenge and with her permission. Your likelihood of cheating is less but hers is higher if she does not see that her actions have negative consequences. Give her mind movies to deal with also.

 

Then, if things don't work out, you can leave knowing you are both even. Otherwise, you have been a cuckold.

 

One other option is to cheat secretly and not tell her. Then force her to bend over backwards for you and go to marriage counseling. This might be best option since then you maintain the moral high ground but can reaffirm your self esteem. You can then eventually tell her in the future and have her deal with the mind movies or you can take it to your grave.

[BetrayedH]

Thanks for you're advice, nofool4u divorce is still one of the options I'm considering but it is unlikely I will do it, I drove home from work one night and was going to leave, then when I got home I couldn't do it to her or the kids. I love her too much, it's hard because we've had so many good times since she did it, all now under a lie.

 

BetrayedH thanks for you're response, it's good to hear from someone who has been through this. I have to ask if you don't mind before you went and had the affair, did it seem completely justified in your head, because for me right now it just seems the best thing to do. Guess I should speak to my wife again. Sorry to hear how it turned out for you.

 

It absolutely felt like the right thing to do. I was trying to reconcile my marriage, couldn't shed the anger (it seemed to be getting worse), I had a lot of jealousy about her getting to have this year-long fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage. I was desperate to do anything to get over it. She had already said she would forgive me (and had dropped other clues that I should just quietly do it and get it over with). I figured if I did this, it would give me some fantasy fulfillment, I wouldn't be so angry with her, it would balance things, I would have some of my own guilt to deal with. I didn't want "revenge" and had planned to never tell her. I went to an online site and looked for a married woman so I wouldn't get a single girl attached. I figured a woman there already was cheating so I wasn't personally destroying a marriage.

 

It was all bull**** from a broken mind. My OW got attached and hurt. I backed out several times (guilt) and eventually told my wife before it was sexual. She told me to go do it. So much for the theory of not hurting my wife. In the end, I end up divorced and her year-long affair is pretty much a wash considering that I also had an affair. It brings a whole new level of havoc.

 

There's just simply no magic pill to make your suffering go away after infidelity. It's going to take years to heal (4 is about what I see here) and the more nonsense you add, the worse it becomes.

 

Delete your profiles. Never go back. Fix your marriage. Get out if you can't. This route doesn't work, brother. It just doesn't. I had the perfect plan. What a crock. Shake this crap out of your head. Wish I knew what else to say. I know your life already seems like a soap opera. Don't add to it. Lead by example. I can't imagine what I will say to my kids when they are older and ask the tough questions. Well, your Mom had this awful affair and then I had one, too. Lovely. Run from this. Accept that it's not the answer and look elsewhere. Sorry you find yourself here.

[BetrayedH]

I am of the different mentality than most posters. I believe that revenge affairs can be quite beneficial. Your wife asked you for money to go meet her lover? She lied to you and betrayed you. The fact that you were each other's one and only makes it even worse. She gave you no consideration before engaging in her sexual deviance and you at least have the permission to do so. If marriage is about equality, than the fact that she cheated makes this relationship unequal. She showed that she respects you less, has other options, and is a better prospect than you are.

 

It is up to you to restore the balance. Make your wife suffer the same injustices she inflicted upon you. Then and only then will you be even. Afterwards, go to marriage counseling and try to fix things to realize why she cheated. Your cheating is MUCH MUCH worse since you only did it for revenge and with her permission. Your likelihood of cheating is less but hers is higher if she does not see that her actions have negative consequences. Give her mind movies to deal with also.

 

Then, if things don't work out, you can leave knowing you are both even. Otherwise, you have been a cuckold.

 

One other option is to cheat secretly and not tell her. Then force her to bend over backwards for you and go to marriage counseling. This might be best option since then you maintain the moral high ground but can reaffirm your self esteem. You can then eventually tell her in the future and have her deal with the mind movies or you can take it to your grave.

 

Ugh. This is awful advice. DON'T give up your moral high ground for anything. It doesn't come back whether you were "justified" to have a fling or not. Divorce if you must. Then you retain your integrity and can get laid all you want.

[Chi townD]

If you're serious about wanting to reconcile, then you definately need to go to marriage counseling. BUT!!! You need to find a counselor who specializes in marriages with infidelity. Any run of the mill MC will turn her affair on you. "Well, she had the affair because you weren't filling her emotional needs, that you put up a wall between the two of you, that there was a breakdown of communication in the marriage" CRAP!!!

And, of course, your wife will start to believe it because it came out of the mouth of a "professional". Therefore, her affair was your fault. Avoid these counselors.

 

Do your homework and find on that specializes.

[ghgh750]

Ugh. This is awful advice. DON'T give up your moral high ground for anything. It doesn't come back whether you were "justified" to have a fling or not. Divorce if you must. Then you retain your integrity and can get laid all you want.

 

BetrayedH,

 

Correct me if I am wrong but your wife's affair lasted for about 13 months right? (Can you tell me how long the affair lasted for?) She met for sex at least 50 times in hotels? (How many times did they have sex?). She even wrote about her exploits on a hot wife website? (Again, I might have this wrong so please correct me if I am mistaken.) If these are all true, then how can your brief affair make you less of a moral person?

 

Did your wife think about you when she was doing all this? She should have realized it was going to hurt you but she still continued to do it. I actually have more respect for you since you had a revenge affair. It shows her that you are not weak and that other women want you. However, I think your affair should have lasted an equal length of time/number of sex as hers did. Then you will be even.

 

As of now, don't feel bad for her. She got to enjoy someone else much longer than you did. How is that fair?

[ghgh750]

Wait Betrayedh, you did not actually have sex with the OW? So it wasn't a PA? And you wound up divorced?

 

Why did your wife cheat? What was her reason? And did she or you make more money?

[BetrayedH]

Wait Betrayedh, you did not actually have sex with the OW? So it wasn't a PA? And you wound up divorced?

 

Why did your wife cheat? What was her reason? And did she or you make more money?

 

I did have two days (PA) with the OW after I confessed about what I was doing and my wife officially said to go ahead. Forgive me if I don't answer all of your questions that are just about my personal situation (why she cheated, money, etc). Just not my thread.

[Owl]

As of now, don't feel bad for her. She got to enjoy someone else much longer than you did. How is that fair?

 

Fair is for preteens.

 

Pretty much anyone else over the age of 12 usually has learned by then that the world isn't fair. If you're expecting/demanding fair...your best bet is to live in a log cabin in a woods, very far away from anyone.

 

Fair applied as a concept to any relationship touched by infidelity is even more foolish.

 

If the OP wants to reconcile...he should forget about "fair", and work on repairing the damage done rather than add to it on his side.

 

Ghgh...did you reconcile your marriage after infidelity by having a revenge affair on your wife? Did it work out?

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH,

 

Correct me if I am wrong but your wife's affair lasted for about 13 months right? (Can you tell me how long the affair lasted for?) She met for sex at least 50 times in hotels? (How many times did they have sex?). She even wrote about her exploits on a hot wife website? (Again, I might have this wrong so please correct me if I am mistaken.) If these are all true, then how can your brief affair make you less of a moral person?

 

Did your wife think about you when she was doing all this? She should have realized it was going to hurt you but she still continued to do it. I actually have more respect for you since you had a revenge affair. It shows her that you are not weak and that other women want you. However, I think your affair should have lasted an equal length of time/number of sex as hers did. Then you will be even.

 

As of now, don't feel bad for her. She got to enjoy someone else much longer than you did. How is that fair?

 

You got the facts right. I certainly agree that her affair wasn't fair. Perhaps I would have gotten "even" in your scenario but that wasn't exactly my goal. I couldn't stomach 50-0. For some reason, 50-2 was going to lessen the cuckhold factor. If it had gone 50-50, my marriage would have obviously been over which wasn't my goal. I wanted to save my nuclear family for myself, my kids, and for my (perceived) remorseful wife.

 

I may have gained some of your respect but lost some of my own. Too much, really. I had always valued honor, integrity, honesty. It wasn't worth the trade off and didn't save my marriage. In the end, I still attribute TT to have been the final nail but my RA sure didn't help. I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree.

[drifter777]

... She admitted that the Midwifery Conference was a lie and she met this man and had sex with him that weekend, she claims to have enjoyed the kissing and being with someone new but she got drunk and ended up having sex with him, she said as soon as the sex started she realised she was doing something wrong and wanted it to stop. She claims to have slept on the sofa and come home the next morning.

 

The chance that this is the full story is very, very remote. Cheating wives lie more about the sexual component of the affair than any other part of it. Your wife will NEVER tell you the whole truth, but you may be able to get more details if you tell her that her story is preposterous and if she doesn't come clean you are kicking her out. She still will lie, but you may get more of the truth - something that is absolutely necessary to even begin the reconciliation process.

She has since had flirty relationships with men on line, she claims to enjoy the compliments she gets because of her low self esteem. I give her plenty of compliments.

 

As you can probably guess, this is a really, really bad sign for your future relationship. To have any chance at reconciliation your wife has to work with a counselor to figure out how to deal with her insecurity in a way that is not destructive to her relationship with you.

I am having a tough time forgiving, I feel like an idiot for being faithful to her all these years and she has thrown it back in my face. She has told me if I need to then go out and have sex with someone else then do it. I have been looking on dating websites for people wanting casual sex, also thought about visiting a prostitute. I feel as though I want to have sex with two people to get her back, so it feels like I'm winning somehow. I want to be with her and our relationship is as strong as ever, she is going to get councilling again and hopefully her issues can be dealt with.

 

I now need to deal with my issue, is cheating back a good idea in this situation. I'm not sure I can go on knowing I saved myself for her and she didn't manage it for me, no matter how ill she was at the time.

 

Thank you for reading and for any advice you might have.

 

You shouldn't even be talking about forgiveness at this point because it really isn't possible. Rather than go out and cheat yourself maybe you should start marriage counseling and see an individual counselor yourself so you can begin the healing process. Whether you decide to reconcile with your wife or not, you have been damaged by her betrayal and need to get help for yourself.

[GLDheart]

A revenge affair is to a relationship what a fire truck full of gasoline is to a burning building.

 

Seriously, if you want to "prove your manhood" by screwing new people, what do you need a wife for?

 

Tell her you want a seperation. Fruck whoever you want, and if THEN she is hurt by your NON CHEATING actions maybe she will understand... or maybe not and the seperation will stick.

 

But if you want to REBUILD your marriage more destruction is a piss poor way of repairing things.

 

 

 

p.s. In light of your story, My vote is on the seperation option.

[K.J]

Hi

 

Thanks for all the responses, I'm seeing now that this is not that great an idea after all. I'd like to ask all those that have made my wife out to be a bad person why they get that impression, she is a genuinely loving and caring mother and wife, she went off the rails for a few months and did this, now we have to deal with it. I'm not having a go and genuinely appreciate all the responses just interested to know why. The affair is definitely not still going on as the guy lives 500 miles away when he's in this country, I'd know if she went to meet him again as she would have needed money. He has tried to contact since and she ended up askinv him to leave her alone, again I only have her word for this. But I'm sure she only had sex with him once, and her thinking of suicide tells me how remorseful she is.

 

This was my idea of the best to way to deal with it now I have to find another, I'll probably seek counseling. Its the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

[In Like Flynn]

What was the deal with the crying fit/act while she was asking for the money? That is coldblooded and calculated!!!

[turnera]

When a betrayed spouse takes back a cheating spouse, there are some guidelines that should be set up that will give you the best chance of the marriage surviving. They include:

• She writes a No Contact letter to the OM that you approve and send yourself.
  
• She removes all passwords to computer and phone or else gives you the passwords.
  
• She hands over said phone and computer any time you need to verify she's no longer cheating.
  
• She finds a good counselor for her self esteem issues and starts going on a regular basis.
  
• You find a good marriage counselor (pro-marriage, not one who advocates divorce, or 'finding yourself') and you both go and do the homework
  
• You start spending 10 to 15 hours a week together doing non-kid/household/work-related things; in other words, you date each other again to keep the marriage fresh
  
• You both fill out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders and use that information to improve your marriage
  
• You meet up once a week for an hour to discuss the status of your marriage, bring up any issues, and resolve them, so you can just enjoy each other the rest of the week (because you know you'll have a chance to discuss any problems during that hour, so it can wait)
  

If you can both do these things, you have a fair chance of making it work.

[karnak]

 

He has tried to contact since and she ended up askinv him to leave her alone, again I only have her word for this. But I'm sure she only had sex with him once, and her thinking of suicide tells me how remorseful she is.

 

 

Sorry in advance to all the women who will be offended by what i'll say:

 

NEVER... NEVER take what a woman says as the Absolute Truth.

 

Guys lie as much as women do... But they're way better than men at doing it.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

it sounds like that you view cheating as something that is morally wrong. Cheating on your wife out of revenge or to 'balance' things will be to go against the values that you hold, and you may well end not liking yourself very much should you decide to cheat.

Is getting revenge , "balance" or "relaxation" worth turning yourself into someone you don't like very much?

The thing is that should you decide to take this path, you will end up doing so based upon cold calculation designed to hurt your wife...is that who you are?

[K.J]

What was the deal with the crying fit/act while she was asking for the money? That is coldblooded and calculated!!!

 

I know it was, and this is one of the aspects I'm struggling to deal with. I'd been to Manchester that weekend as a football supporter to see my team play. She also.used this against me too, if I can go then why can't she.

 

She had a friend at the time who she's also cut ties with, she moved away soon after. It was her house she was going to most nights to get drunk. It was her who was using internet dating sites and webcam to meet guys. This girl was seriously ****ed in the head and I knew this. I dismissed a lot of what was happening putting it down to way wife trying to help her friend.

 

This girl was trying to break us up.for some reason, I don't know why. She helped come up with the story and apparently was on hand while that call was made. I would phone my wife and ask her if she was coming home, in the background I'd hear her friend telling her to stay and asking if she was scared of me. I should have put a stop to it, I should have asked what was wrong, I should have seen something was wrong.

 

This girl was supposed to go too but backed out last minute, I feel this was because she knows my wife wouldn't have done this if she had been there. She set it up in my eyes, introduced them and instigated the meeting, but it doesn't excuse my wife going through with it one bit.

 

The back story to all this is that I wasn't giving her the attention that she needed, ignoring her most evenings. She started going out to this friends house and drinking because of this, at some point I should have seen something was wrong, this went on for 5 months and I ignored it. But she also should have told me something was wrong. I take my responsibilities in this, I also hold her friend and the OM responsible. But the blame lies squarely at her feet.

[K.J]

When a betrayed spouse takes back a cheating spouse, there are some guidelines that should be set up that will give you the best chance of the marriage surviving. They include:

• She writes a No Contact letter to the OM that you approve and send yourself.
  
• She removes all passwords to computer and phone or else gives you the passwords.
  
• She hands over said phone and computer any time you need to verify she's no longer cheating.
  
• She finds a good counselor for her self esteem issues and starts going on a regular basis.
  
• You find a good marriage counselor (pro-marriage, not one who advocates divorce, or 'finding yourself') and you both go and do the homework
  
• You start spending 10 to 15 hours a week together doing non-kid/household/work-related things; in other words, you date each other again to keep the marriage fresh
  
• You both fill out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders and use that information to improve your marriage
  
• You meet up once a week for an hour to discuss the status of your marriage, bring up any issues, and resolve them, so you can just enjoy each other the rest of the week (because you know you'll have a chance to discuss any problems during that hour, so it can wait)
  

If you can both do these things, you have a fair chance of making it work.

 

Some good points and some of these we've already implemented. Remember she hid the affair for 5 years so we've done a lot of living since then.

 

I don't think she'd know how to contact him anymore but I will ask her to do that.

 

With passwords anytime I've asked to look around her Facebook or phone in the past few weeks she's unlocked them and handed them over. For me that's enough, she can easily just delete anything incriminating as soon as she's read it. If she ever denies me access I know something is wrong.

 

She is waiting to see the counselor for her issues, here in the UK its done through the national health and takes a bit longer. She's had a phone session where she was diagnosed with serious depression, she is actually at the GP now as he is keeping an eye on her. Sessions should start in a month or so.

 

We talked about marriage counseling today, over here there is a charity called Relate who we saw before, we should have carried on with it.

 

Spending that amount of time together will be hard but we need to do this as much as we can. We have started to spend more time doing things other than sitting around the house, we need to keep that up.

 

I'll check out the questionnaire, never seen it before.

 

I like the idea of having the hour every week, makes sense.

 

Thanks.