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can former affair partners still work together?


frozensprouts

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frozensprouts

I have often read on here ( and in other place as well) that former affair partners can't ( or at least shouldn't) work together after the affair is over.

 

To be honest, I have often wondered about this. My husband had to work with his former affair partner ( he had no choice, his is not a job you can just up and leave) and it really bothered me at first. After a while, I figured that I had to trust that if the reasons he had for cheating were within himself, and that he had dealt with them, then I would need to be able to trust him around women, all women, especially her.

 

I think that seeing her a work after the affair ended and the way she behaved also helped him to lose the idealized vision that he had of her.

 

Was this the case for anyone else, or did you find that a change of workplace was necessary for you to move on?

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Artie Lang

anything is possible. the thing of it is-- they shouldn't.

 

they should never be in a position where they can re-ignite old feelings. there's just to many questions surrounding this type of arrangemment.

 

you need to completely purge this person from your life. and even that, is not likely to happen.

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I still work with the exOM.

 

It did make the recovery in the months after dday much harder for both my H and I and also slowed reconciliation I am sure but we are here together and doing good. (My H did agree that I should not leave my job and this is something that has been posted about at length already on LS so I am not going further into that debate).

 

As for the exOM, he and I work as colleagues and with no hint of/reference to the affair. It is history. At first, seeing him every day was cr*p especially as he would play games. Leading up to dday, the affair had ended but he continued to text me. After dday, he would try to flirt with me (looks, standing too close, some comments) yet when I confronted him on these behaviours, he absolutely denied them - even the text messages. When I stopped reacting to his games, he eventually backed off (though even now there are times when he look me up and down but I just ignore them). My H and I have discussed the exOM and my H is of the opinion that the exOM has demonstrated some sociopathic tendencies (and I can see this too).

 

As I began to see him for what he really was, any remnant of fog cleared. When he got married a couple of years ago, I loved that. Not because of anything to do with him being with someone, etc but because it actually meant nothing to me. It was just someone getting married and it did not make me feel any emotion of sadness or happiness - I was neutral and that made me happy for my husband and I.

 

How do he and I interact at work? Professional, "normal" - but no personal chat at all. Our conversations are purely work and nothing more. There are not even the basic pleasantries you would have with a colleague like "did you have a nice holiday" - none of that.

 

When I think of him now whilst writing this post, all I can think is "what possessed you". Not only was it an insult to my H to have an affair, but it was a further insult to have an affair with this exOM :sick:

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Where I work the are former APs that work together and also people who work with Xs and xBSs who work with their xWS and their fAP-now-spouse. You are supposed to inform your line manager about the R or xR to prevent discrimination etc but mostly people are professional and get on with their jobs.

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Lol, c'mon...if you had your druthers, no they shouldn't work with their affair partner, but if there is no choice then there is no choice. Be realistic, its amazing how people rationalize things, of course you don't want them working with a person they had sex with while they were married to you.

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frozensprouts

in our case, my husband really couldn't ask to be posted somewhere else, as if he did so, he would have had to say why, and that would have been extremely detrimental to him.

He did go to his warrant officer and talk to him off the record about what had happened, and asked that they not be assigned to any tasking alone together, etc. The warrant was angry with him for acting unprofessionally, and his yearly PDR reflected that. he lost out on being promoted because of it, but it could have been worse.

 

If he had gone to the chain of command and asked to be posted, they would have asked why, and he would have had to tell them. If he did so, he could have been discharged, been fined, or even gone to military prison (rare, but it can and does happen)...due to our kids health issues, he had asked to be posted here, and he would have to explain why, all of a sudden, that had changed

 

.

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OMG, NO! If at ALL possible.

 

My H worked with his fOW. He transferred to another satellite office, but they still saw each other.

 

After dday, I threw him out and planned to divorce him although he was begging to reconcile.

 

He eventually told her to stop calling him two months after all physical contact had stopped. She was shocked they couldn't still be "friends."

 

Interesting to note: I attended a lecture at the place they had last worked together and upon leaving, a table of secretaries saw me and with jaws dropping, said to each other, "OMG! That is Mr. Spark's wife!"

 

More humiliation. Nevertheless, I made it a point to tell him, and eventually her, that every woman in that building knew or suspected their inappropriate relationship.

 

Sorry, but it is true. Same in my workplace; women sense the new couple, whether appropriate or not, from a mile away with our relational spidey sense.:laugh:

 

He was eventually promoted. He credits me for it.:love: He never sees her, except once, 2.5 years later when she broke NC in the workplace and wondered if he would like to re-initiate.

 

I had to call her and warn her off, with his full blessing. Probably should have done it sooner, but I left her alone never thinking she'd try again.

 

He also told his bosses, without naming any names. They forgave him.

 

Hopefully, it is OVER, but hey, you never know for sure.

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Ninja'sHusband

We're D-ing because she wouldn't quit a MA class OM goes to. It was driving me too crazy to continue with the M. She is more dedicated to that class than the jobs she had early in our M.

 

If I could have handled it I would have, I had to actually go there and see what my limits were. I often find my self wanting to take it all back and say it's ok, I'll try again....but I already did that, failed. I can't handle it.

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in our case, my husband really couldn't ask to be posted somewhere else, .

 

In our case, my H and I discussed and agreed I should stay in my job. To leave would have meant knocking my career years and would have also put our home at risk (and lose any stability at all we had in our relationship). However I also said (and meant it) that if he wanted me to leave, I would.

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drifter777

I'll assume you mean is reconciliation possible if the cheaters continue to work together. I say no, but nothing is ever absolute. I think for most people, true recovery and reconciliation requires total and complete NC.

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I'll assume you mean is reconciliation possible if the cheaters continue to work together. I say no, but nothing is ever absolute. I think for most people, true recovery and reconciliation requires total and complete NC.

 

It has certainly made it a lot harder for my H and I. We're 4 years in and I think if I had not been working with the exOM, we would probably have been where we are now a year (or more) earlier.

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drifter777
It has certainly made it a lot harder for my H and I. We're 4 years in and I think if I had not been working with the exOM, we would probably have been where we are now a year (or more) earlier.

 

I can't imagine you or your H ever thought (or think) this is a good idea. Do you work in the same facility? Same shift? Do you see him often?

 

Like I said, I'm sure some people can make it work but this would have been a deal-breaker for me. And this is one I'm sure my wife would have understood and complied with my wishes.

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I can't imagine you or your H ever thought (or think) this is a good idea. Do you work in the same facility? Same shift? Do you see him often?

 

Like I said, I'm sure some people can make it work but this would have been a deal-breaker for me. And this is one I'm sure my wife would have understood and complied with my wishes.

 

It's a small company and I probably see him daily, including one to one meetings. It was cr*p at first but it now seems totally bizarre that he and I were once close. I was (and still am) completely open with my H about the interaction with the exOM

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We're D-ing because she wouldn't quit a MA class OM goes to. It was driving me too crazy to continue with the M. She is more dedicated to that class than the jobs she had early in our M.

 

If I could have handled it I would have, I had to actually go there and see what my limits were. I often find my self wanting to take it all back and say it's ok, I'll try again....but I already did that, failed. I can't handle it.

 

You view it as "her class" but for her it's her GATEWAY to meet her men.

 

It's not really about the class but the "opportunities" she can find while she's there - THAT is what she's unwilling to "give up".

 

Fertile ground for her to feed her ego and get it stroked by men... She wouldn't eliminate that part for her M. Her ego comes first.

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wellwhynot
I'll assume you mean is reconciliation possible if the cheaters continue to work together. I say no, but nothing is ever absolute. I think for most people, true recovery and reconciliation requires total and complete NC.

 

 

Why? If you are making the choice to reconcile, truly reconcile, why does it matter who they see when, where and how often? I give lots of props to the people who have posted that they had to work around it and their marriages did recover, because they are the ones that I think have actually reconciled.

If I decided to stay and make it work with someone who had strayed, and then spent every day in fear that NC might be broken and they might run into this person, then nothing has been fixed, because if that person is still that much of a threat, then what was really resolved? The idea of having to police their phone, their facebook, their computer, bugging their car, that just sounds exhausting and like a prison sentence for me.

If they work together and they really are "affair free" and not just better at hiding things than they were in the past, then I think you have true remorse and someone who has actually made the choice to do the work necessary and involved to make it work.

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wellwhynot
I know you say that now, but you haven't had a Dday - I can't remember if you're married or not. In any case, a WS who TRULY wants to reconcile and wants to TRULY prove they are trustworthy wouldn't feel like the checking up is a "prison sentence."

 

When a truly remorseful WS has nothing to hide, they do anything to make the BS feel secure and don't complain about something like that. They actually welcome it because they desperately want to prove themselves any way they can.

 

The WS I see on here who are caught and complain like you mentioned about how "exhausting" it is to have to keep proving themselves are not genuine or remorseful. Those are WS's that are just sorry they go caught.

 

I agree that a WS who wants to reconcile woudln't think that was the case. I actually didn't mean it like that. I meant it sounded like one for the BS. :(

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Ninja'sHusband
Why? If you are making the choice to reconcile, truly reconcile, why does it matter who they see when, where and how often? I give lots of props to the people who have posted that they had to work around it and their marriages did recover, because they are the ones that I think have actually reconciled.

If I decided to stay and make it work with someone who had strayed, and then spent every day in fear that NC might be broken and they might run into this person, then nothing has been fixed, because if that person is still that much of a threat, then what was really resolved? The idea of having to police their phone, their facebook, their computer, bugging their car, that just sounds exhausting and like a prison sentence for me.

If they work together and they really are "affair free" and not just better at hiding things than they were in the past, then I think you have true remorse and someone who has actually made the choice to do the work necessary and involved to make it work.

If the WS already proved they lie over and over via trickle truth...NC becomes that much more important. They need to remove themselves from that situation completely, even if nothing is going to happen. It's a way of giving the BS piece of mind. How can the BS live knowing they were lied to so much and their WS is still in contact? The BS was naive before and lied to, why wouldn't it happen again a year later? I've read too many stories of WS who secretly deal with longing for their AP and how even the smallest contact can start things up again. It's not fair to the BS for them to be in contact, the BS will naturally be worried all the time. If the WS can't understand that and do what the BS needs to feel safe again regardless of their "good intentions", the WS isn't truly committed to the M. It's important the WS PROVE they are committed to the M because after D-Day, there's some real hard proof that they aren't...If the WS can't do something big to make up for what happened, then they are still checked out of the M, or just kinda hanging out there because it's convenient. Probably they'll just cheat again later, maybe with someone else. They aren't committed enough to do the right thing and give the BS piece of mind.

 

And it really depends on the BS and how much abuse they can take...not keeping NC definitely raises that bar making R more difficult.

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Why? If you are making the choice to reconcile, truly reconcile, why does it matter who they see when, where and how often? I give lots of props to the people who have posted that they had to work around it and their marriages did recover, because they are the ones that I think have actually reconciled.

If I decided to stay and make it work with someone who had strayed, and then spent every day in fear that NC might be broken and they might run into this person, then nothing has been fixed, because if that person is still that much of a threat, then what was really resolved? The idea of having to police their phone, their facebook, their computer, bugging their car, that just sounds exhausting and like a prison sentence for me.

If they work together and they really are "affair free" and not just better at hiding things than they were in the past, then I think you have true remorse and someone who has actually made the choice to do the work necessary and involved to make it work.

 

Why? It's like putting the fox back in the hen house isn't it?

 

My wife had an affair with a co-worker. After D-Day #1 she "supposedly" had gone NC with him. Yeah, right. It's hard to work through reconciling when they see the OM/OW on a daily basis. Until she quit her job, there was no true progress on reconciliation.

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It's a small company and I probably see him daily, including one to one meetings. It was cr*p at first but it now seems totally bizarre that he and I were once close. I was (and still am) completely open with my H about the interaction with the exOM

 

Anne, kudos to your H for being strong enough to survive this.

 

I do not think I would have even considered reconciling had he not had options to remove himself from her sphere. Too crazy-making for me to survive.

 

But your response to your OM today is my H's response to her: For that person I risked us? And for me, that is the best response I could have hoped for; it was a mirage, a fantasy and it is over for good.

 

Love? Schmove.:rolleyes:

 

And I, who did not insist on NC because I wasn't sure I would reconcile, or even wanted to for a long time, let him institute it if he was serious about us.

 

When I decided months later to try, I only had one rule: If there is intentional or accidental contact, and you do not inform me immediately, I will have to walk.

 

It was the keeping of secrets that destroyed my trust in him. So, no more secrets regarding your xAP seems like a reasonable enough request, no?

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To note: He was so desperate to reconcile, he SHOWED me his cell, his emails, provided all passwords and accounted for every minute of his day.

 

It made sense for him to do so. Who would've believed him any other way? After all that deception, he could have told me the sky was blue and I would have walked outside and looked at the heavens for myself.:p

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