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Question for wives that left and came back


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A week and a half ago my wife moved half way across the country. There is every indication she has found someone new. A couple of months ago she said she was spending the weekend with some girlfriends at the beach. Well, I got an email from the airport parking that said her car was at the airport all weekend so I confronted her about it. She said she was thinkiong about moving and wanted to check out the new city. Wow, the forst I heard of it. Now I know this didn't happen overnight and she has likely been planning her exit for some time so we don't have to have that discussion. At this time she gets new FB and email passwords, password protected phone when it didn't used to be and late night texts. I got upset told I want a divorce and moved into another bedroom. The next morning she wants to know if we are going to get past this and I said no and left for the day. She later asked if she was going to have to move out and I said no I can be cool until you leave and we were cool. Since then I saw and attorney and she said she didnt have to sign anything and wouldn't. We went to the beach and I even flew with her to visit her parents (who didn't know what was going on). The night before she left she asked if I wanted to talk and I said no. She said, you idiot don't you know when a woman asks you if you want to talk it means they want to talk. She basically wanted to know why I didnt make a bigger fuss when she said she was leaving. I said it was because she made it pretty clear she didn't want me anymore. She said I'm still here and I replied then postpone leaving and let's work on this. Needless to say she left the next day. I haven't heard a word from her since she left but yesterday my friends wife said she contected her asking how I am doing. The friends wife said he's fine. I guess my question is; if you left why do still care? BTW, married 17 years, no kids, no abuse, financially secure and seemed to have got along good. She just said we lost the fire. Sorry about the typo in the title I couldn't edit it.

Edited by BugsyK
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Thanks for the response but it's so much easier said than done and it really doesn't answer the original question.

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It hurts a walkway wife's ego when her man is not a crying mess over her leaving. You held your pride and are not falling apart over her and she wants to know why.

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Bellechica

BugsyK,

What exactly is the question? Is it why if she left, did she ask via a friend if you're okay?

 

If that's the question then I suppose that even though she left, it doesn't mean she hasn't stopped thinking about you or that she doesn't care. You were married a long time. She may have fallen out of love, but it doesn't mean she hates you. She may have just wanted to make sure you're fine.

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Thanks for the reply Bella, did you leave and come back? I'm sure you know what I'm thinking. If she still cares is there a chance there is still something there? As I said I tried to start divorce paperwork and she wouldn't have it. Said she wasn't sure what she wanted. Of course she denies there is another man.

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Bellechica

No, I didn't leave. I stopped cheating because I knew it was wrong and I didn't want to lose my H and my family. I never left my H. I don't want a divorce at all.

 

If she said she won't sign the papers then yes she may want to work it out with you, but you have to decide what to do. You need to ask her. You all need to talk and really discuss what is happening.

 

My H and I both have trouble communicating with each other and we avoid our problems. Our M was a mess, still no reason for me to cheat, but I did. Some women have exit affairs. They usually aren't descrete about it because they want out of the M. It doesn't seem to me your W is doing that or she would sign the papers.

 

Like I said, talk to her and figure out what's happening.

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Well, I thought I gave ger that chance when she wanted to talk and I asked her to postpone leaving. I kind of feel like I should let her have her space and see if she contacts me. Can she really want to throw away a more than 20 year relationship. The distance she has put between us just makes it more difficult.

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Bellechica

Do you think she's having a midlife crisis?

My H and I have been together almost twenty years. I couldnt throw that away.

You didn't think there were any problems at all prior to this?

Was she acting different?

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Bellechica

Bugsy,

I got into IC because I knew something was broken in me to cheat even though there were serious issues in my M. I don't have low self-esteem or NPD so perhaps that's how I was able to stop.

Does your wife seem insecure? Again, any things you can think of in your M that were broken? Did she ever say she was unhappy? How was the intimacy and communication between the two of you?

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Bellechica
I forgot to add, that my ex-wife came from a family where the vast majority of women had cheated. Sometimes, it is important to look at the family of origin since some behavior patterns are inherited.

 

I'm a first for my family. My H and I both have very stable backgrounds.

 

Bugsy, are you waiting for her to reach out to you? Do you want to call her?

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She comes from a stable family. Recently she told me she doesnt like where we live. I told her we are at about a break even point on our house and should wait until the housing market returns. Yes, I was/am hoping that she might reach out to me.

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Agreed, that is why I am waiting to see if she makes an effort. I suppose I should put a timeline in place for myself and then file.

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Bellechica
She comes from a stable family. Recently she told me she doesnt like where we live. I told her we are at about a break even point on our house and should wait until the housing market returns. Yes, I was/am hoping that she might reach out to me.

 

Just complaining of the place to live? That's not clear.

Is she not reaching our because you said D at the get go? I don't assume she's having an A, but even if she is hurt and insulted by you, it seems odd she hasn't called.

How did she act when she was leaving? Was she crying?

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Hated her job too, I remember her saying she hates everything but me. I brought up D because she didi have an A 7 years ago. I forgave her and we got past it. When she lied about where she was I assumed it was an A and wanted a D. Passwords, late night texting, lying all point to an A. The last time I saw/talked to her was the night before she left. The next morning I left for work and she never came out of the bedroom.

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Sex stopped about 2 weeks before her trip out of town. We talked but not about serious issues until I caught her lying. The thing I found odd was she moved my things back into "our" bedroom before she left. So your thinking she just wanted to make sure I'm ok but still doesn't feel anything. Why would she start the conversation the night before she left and say "I'm still here" but leave anyway? She did have a couple Margarita's maybe it was the booze talking.

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All things you mention point to cheating. She wasn't honest - that's for sure.

 

Cut off her available money. She will drain the accounts and spend on cards if you keep them open.

 

Ask an attorney how to get the D when she abandoned you.

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I just have to wonder why so many of you believe I need to file for divorce immediately. I realize things can get ugly and have for many of you but why the rush to file. Yes, when we went to a marriage couselor years ago the MC said I had done nothing wrong as well. So Pierre, what did it take for your ex wife to work so hard on reconciliation? Did she have some sort of an epiphany, did you nudge her in that direction, tough love?

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Bellechica

I think you need to speak with her face to face. I don't understand why she left. Sounds like she is giving mixed signals.

Again, I don't assume she's having an A. The sexual intimacy stopped only two weeks prior to leaving.

 

She sounds depressed to me.

 

The fact that she cheated years ago isn't good. She should know that you will always suspect her of doing it again, so if she is, I would think it's because she wants out of the M.

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Bellechica
Belle:

 

I forgot to congratulate you for stopping the affair on your own without a d-day. I really admire that!:cool:

 

Thanks Pierre, odd that your exW treated you better during the A. It was the opposite for me. I was becoming a bitter person that I didn't even recognize. It was the lowest point in my life and it was destroying my family. I could feel it happening, and I got so confused about what I wanted. The OM was convincing me M was horrible. The communication with my H was becoming less and less. I had to quit the behavior.

 

Bugsy, as Pierre and I have described how two WW behaved differently in regards to our treatment of our Hs, did you notice and changes in your W's behavior recently? Your gut is telling you she is having an A. Do you know for sure where she is staying now and with whom?

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After I moved into the guest bedroom she was much nicer and would do little things for me i.e. bring me coffee in the morning. I have a forwarding address but I have no proof that is where she is living.

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Bellechica

Is she a stubborn woman Bugsy? Do you think she is messing with your head and heart by not contacting you?

I think like Pierre said, you're a very proud man and that is why you aren't contacting her. I think you're doing the right thing by not chasing after her.

 

I think if she wants to stay with you and if she loves you, then she will need to show some action and come back to you. She should be the person to intiate contact.

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SomedayDig
Belle:

 

I forgot to congratulate you for stopping the affair on your own without a d-day. I really admire that!:cool:

 

The only reason there was no Dday is because she never told her husband. Very admirable...:sick:

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She is stubborn. In fact the last conversation she initiated started out with "we're both too subborn, I messed up and lied about where I was going and you messed up by asking for a divorce and moving into the guest bedroom". Little things come back to me here and there as we discuss this. She also told me I need to find someone "less needy" than her.

Edited by BugsyK
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